Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons

baystateapple · March 2010

I've told this story before on other boards, but it bears repeating, even if you're just talking about it in a joking manner.

I was MOH in a wedding three years ago. The night before the wedding, one of the BMs came up to me and said, "Tomorrow, don't ask for the wedding license to sign. They're already married." I was floored. The bride and groom had apparently been secretly married for over a year, and had told nobody -- including her parents, who had told her many times that if she tried something "cute" like eloping and having a big wedding later, they weren't paying for her big elaborate wedding. She lied to them so that she could still have the whole big affair.

I was hurt that she didn't tell me (I was her MOH, for crying out loud) and it really ruined the entire experience of the wedding for me. The whole thing felt so fake and contrived. Because it was. We don't speak anymore, because this was one of many decptions and thoughtless moves she pulled, but I have never forgotten it. Every time someone brings up "secretly marrying" on these boards, I cringe. Please don't do it. Even if nobody says so at the time, they're thinking it.

sctfrk1314 · March 2010

I don't think getting married in secret is okay but I think there are some reasons to get legally married and then have a celebration/formal vows/reception/whatever later. Just be honest.

My sister is getting married in Italy to her fiance, who is an Italin citizen. No one in my family can afford to go so it will be her, her daughter, him, and his family. They're doing it for citizenship reasons I don't fully understand. Anyway, when he comes to the States, about 3 months following the legal union (he's finishing college), they're going to have something, a small ceremony/reception, State-side so my family can celebrate with them. I don't see anything wrong with this. They aren't going to have a huge party over in Italy or here but they want to make sure that they can celebrate with their loved ones. They are telling the truth about it, though. I think my parents would be hurt if she just went and got married without telling them.

KatyRoseM · March 2010

I attended a wedding where the couple had been married for a year before hand while he converted. They felt they had to so that they would not be stationed apart, this was the only way the army would cooperate. The only part I found odd was that they told some people and not others, I understand that the reason they did two weddings was for a part of the community (the religious part that would not have recognized the union without it) but it was odd to find out and wonder if they would get caught.

sophistryliz · March 2010

I don't think doing that is a big deal at all. If you're worried about being rude or hurting someone's feelings, just don't tell anyone! You ladies who think it's rude are being very silly.

jesi_nickles · March 2010

There are always going to be people that will find out you are married and get offended about it. There is no denying it. If you are intent on getting married before your actual "wedding", then it can NOT be called a wedding anymore. Rename it as a vow renewal ceremony.

There are other boards on here that talk about it. The military brides board is a big one to go to and read if you are curious.

Like some pp's said, lying is very immature and it WILL ALWAYS hurt someone, whether you meant it to or not.

Jesi

thatsmrs.2u · March 2010

If you get married before hand just forget the ceremony and have a reception. There's really no reason for the front!! If you do decide to "lie" I really don't think anybody would care though......except maybe your parents. But who says you ever have to tell anyone?? Just keep it between the two of you!!

banana468 · March 2010

Why can't you buy COBRA?

prideeinpynk · March 2010

Um...wtf... if you can get insurance through the domestic partner clause, do that?! I don't even see why this is an issue.

When I was working at my last company, FI was on my insurance through a similar clause. We didn't have to lie to our wedding guests to get it for him. Unfortunately, I changed jobs and now work at a place that does not have a policy for DPs, but we're 6mos away and just going to tough it out.

philbrickra · March 2010

Seriously?! My FI and I are technically already married, most couples who live together for a certain period of time (in certain states) are considered married. It's called a common law marriage. We didn't go to a courthouse, or have any paperwork signed other than our insurance paperwork. Once we signed those, we were considered bound by marriage...in the state of Colorado. We haven't hidden it from family or friends. We have told them that we are married in the state of Colorado and the wedding is just to make it legal in the other 49 states. They think it's funny more than anything. No one is upset with us. No one considers it a "fake" marriage. We've only been together for 2 years and most of his coworkers and friends call me his wife already - even before we got married in CO. We just never corrected them.

Our families understand the need for health insurance for my FI and the way we did it made the most financial sense. Especially in these hard economic times, people will understand.

I think if you hide the truth from people, they will be upset. If you are upfront and honest with them, why would they be angry??

banana468 · March 2010

IMO that's the big thing.

If you cover up what you're doing, you have to expect people to be upset that they were deceived...because you DID deceive them.

If it's "not a big deal" then be honest.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:42b95f8b-d4b4-4347-816d-5fd25967bb70">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]i always love the let's get married in secret for health insurance reason. you don't need to be marrried to be on his health insurance. i have been on FI's health insurance for about a year and a half now. we are not married. we are officialy domestic partners. we have not hidden that from anyone, and no one is thinking twice about our wedding because we aren't married. yes it's a loop hole but it works.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

Yes, she already said that she could be on his insurance.

Good for you that his company offers that. My H's doesn't, so it wouldn't have been an option for me and I'm sure it's the same for many other people.

luckyme502 · March 2010

Yes, start your marriage by lying to everyone you know! That is the right thing to do!

beatlesgirl25 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:521bfc05-4b08-406d-9871-2d396f2f6a7c">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]I've told this story before on other boards, but it bears repeating, even if you're just talking about it in a joking manner. I was MOH in a wedding three years ago. The night before the wedding, one of the BMs came up to me and said, "Tomorrow, don't ask for the wedding license to sign. They're already married." I was floored . The bride and groom had apparently been secretly married for over a year, and had told nobody -- including her parents, who had told her many times that if she tried something "cute" like eloping and having a big wedding later, they weren't paying for her big elaborate wedding. She lied to them so that she could still have the whole big affair. I was hurt that she didn't tell me (I was her MOH, for crying out loud) and it really ruined the entire experience of the wedding for me. The whole thing felt so fake and contrived. Because it was . We don't speak anymore, because this was one of many decptions and thoughtless moves she pulled, but I have never forgotten it. Every time someone brings up "secretly marrying" on these boards, I cringe. Please don't do it. Even if nobody says so at the time, they're thinking it.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

That's awful, baystate. This is the perfect anecdote for why lying about this is wrong and hurtful. I can't imagine anyone in your position being told the bride was already married and them thinking, "OMG that's so great!!!"

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:cf108709-28cd-44ee-b4c8-078d2a96ec19">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think doing that is a big deal at all. If you're worried about being rude or hurting someone's feelings, just don't tell anyone! You ladies who think it's rude are being very silly.
Posted by sophistryliz[/QUOTE]

I think you're silly (and foolish) for having your first and last names in your sig.

sucrets4 · March 2010

btw, I always thought that you get hit the hardest first year you file joint and that there is a 'marriage penalty' if you make above a certain amount. Maybe an accountant can correct me. Are there instances where filing jointly would be beneficial, $ wise?

beatlesgirl25 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:18c62637-1b84-4caf-953f-4abb86686235">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : I think you're silly (and foolish) for having your first and last names in your sig.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Haha! I guess she favors secrecy for marriages but not for internet safety?

ETA: Just checked out the site. Full names, dates, addresses, personal info, the works. Yikes. Password protection is your friend.

jeb113 · March 2010

I don't see anything wrong with this at all. My FBIL got married at the JOP a few months before the actual wedding. They were already in the planning process for the wedding when his job ended and insurance ran out. He has a bleeding disease so if he had a lapse in insurance he would not be able to find anyone to cover him again.
They told the family what was going on but they didn't consider themselves married until they were married in the church. They didn't wear their rings, she didn't change her name, and they still referred to each other as "fiance" rather than husband/wife. They only celebrate the day they were married in the church not the day they were married at the JOP. It didn't take away from the day at all and I actually thought it was a very smart idea and would have done the same thing in their situation.
I don't know why any guests would feel deceived. You're still at the reception and giving a gift to celebrate the marriage. Who cares if the legal union was a few months/days earlier. They still got married and deserve a big celebration if that is what they choose.

sucrets4 · March 2010

jeb - if your FBIL told people, then it wasn't in SECRET which was in the title of the post.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:c9c2b3dc-b2f4-4cd5-89cd-997eea4c6bb9">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : Haha! I guess she favors secrecy for marriages but not for internet safety? ETA: Just checked out the site. Full names, dates, addresses, personal info, the works. Yikes. Password protection is your friend.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

Road trip? We can either crash the wedding or break in to their house. Not to steal stuff, but we'll just move the furniture around and mess with stuff, okay?

beatlesgirl25 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:76d4ac21-2464-47c2-8cf8-f04bb5d3d83f">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : Road trip? We can either crash the wedding or break in to their house. Not to steal stuff, but we'll just move the furniture around and mess with stuff, okay?
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Sounds like a blast! I vote for crashing the wedding. The cocktail hour is poolside though, so bring your swimsuit!

felicia220 · March 2010

I too have many medical conditions and I think the only time I would do that if my insurance was about to run out.. Cobra for me is almost $600 a month, I don't have that kind of money, so getting married early would probably be the best option, if I was in that situation. Although I am not sure I would keep it a secret, I think everyone would understand why I was going it. I think to do it for taxes is dumb, wait a year you'll get the tax break then.

As a guest, I didn't care. Went to a wedding, found out the B and G were already married (he was in the navy, honorable discharge, got injured) But was still active when they got married, if they waited he would have gone out to sea and they wanted to do it before then. Honestly, it was one of the best weddings I have ever been to, so it really didn't matter that they were already married, we still got to celebrate with them and that was all that mattered to me.

Miss Biscuit · March 2010

Not sure how old you are, but if you're 26 or younger, you can go back on a parent's health plan under the new provisions passed health bill. Your parent would simply list you as a dependent on their current plan. You could work out a payment plan with them in the next few months, contact their insurance provider, etc. This might be enough to tide you over until the actual wedding.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:6c245524-2e8b-4dd9-94e8-eaedf680300f">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : Sounds like a blast! I vote for crashing the wedding. The cocktail hour is poolside though, so bring your swimsuit!
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

Sweet! When is it? I'll need to get rid of the baby weight before then. At least it'll give me a goal!

BecW2be · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:6f1796c1-e7e9-4913-ac62-4b03fb00f157">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : Sweet! When is it? I'll need to get rid of the baby weight before then. At least it'll give me a goal!
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Spoken like a true bitchy, hormone-nutty pregnant woman!

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:357571d7-e065-43c1-9e0b-db5d8be797a0">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons : Spoken like a true bitchy, hormone-nutty pregnant woman!
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

You forgot ignorant.

Ingamckinley · March 2010

If its kept secret, I wouldn't be hurt cause I would never know ;-)

I have a cousin who was married in court about 2 years ago and is having his big wedding this year. The reason he got married is because he was going to be deployed to Iraq and he wanted his now wife to also be covered under his benefits in case anything happened to him.

At first I thought it was kind of dumb to be having a wedding after being married 2 years with a kid. But now I am kind of indifferent cause it really doesn't affect me. I'm going to his wedding and I'm still getting him a gift. He wanted to celebrate with his entire family and have a church wedding which is fine if he wants it.

But to go as far as saying that I'm being cheated because he's having a church wedding after his court wedding, yeah not really. BFD.

jeb113 · March 2010

sucrets4 - my FBIL only told immediate family but not any guests or extended family so it was a secret to them. people on here were saying that the guests would get mad about it and feel deceived because they didn't know about it. None of the guests cared when they found out.

beatlesgirl25 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_getting-married-secret-practical-reasons?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5cae9a8d-a9ce-4abd-8ec6-2dabdcd7f480Post:35e56e04-151c-4fa4-af09-4d1bd5291247">Re: Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons</a>:
[QUOTE]sucrets4 - my FBIL only told immediate family but not any guests or extended family so it was a secret to them. people on here were saying that the guests would get mad about it and feel deceived because they didn't know about it. <strong>None of the guests cared when they found out.</strong>
Posted by jeb113[/QUOTE]

How do you know this? Did they all say, "hey congratulations!" Because that's what people say at weddings to be polite. Who knows how they really felt or what they really said about it behind your FBIL's back?

People are missing the bigger picture here. For every "the guests (maybe) didn't care" anecdote, there is also a story where a family member or friend really was hurt and angered by this selfish act of LYING about being married, and then making everyone come to your fake wedding. Why is the possibility of hurting someone worth the risk of doing this? You can't predict how people are going to feel about it. If it's even a little bit potentially damaging to your loved ones, why must you do it? Wouldn't it be much easier NOT to lie about it? FFS already.

sucrets4 · March 2010

Yeah, the other problem with it being 'secret' is that inevitably someone will find out.

See baystate's post on page 2 before you assume that everyone was a-okay with it.

nefariousmango · March 2010

What about getting married at the courhouse, telling those closest to you the where, when, and why, and still having your "big day" as planned? I guess I don't see the problem with being legally married at the time of your wedding, although I agree lying = rude. I mean, you're having a wedding to celebrate your love, you're getting married for practical reasons.

Getting health insurance is not as easy as many of you seem to think it is, although w/ the reform bill it's hopefully getting better. I have a "pre-existing condition" that I was born with, I cannot get health insurance on my own. Period. No one will insure me if they have any little loophole to get around it. On my parent's plan I still pay $1,000/mo for coverage (that's just the additional to cover me, not the total policy cost), and once we get married I'll pay about $400/mo for significantly less coverage but on my FI's insurance he gets through work.

Getting Married in Secret for Practical Reasons

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