Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

desertsun · February 2012

I'm starting to feel like a broken record, but I want to reiterate that your wedding is about you and your FI.

It sounds like right now, other people are distracting you from your purpose.

Which is to get married to your FI.

Dude. AS LONG AS YOU END UP MARRIED, THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.

Don't let other people and their opinions distract you from the joy of marrying the one you love. Keep your focus on THAT.

When it comes to other people, you need to get on the same page as your FI, and set appropriate boundaries and communicate effectively. If you can't do that, you need to find a way to not involve them.

Again, this is as simple or complicated as YOU choose to make it.

But step one is talking ALL of this through with your FI.

HULU · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:7a0a0075-30ad-4937-b399-eab7a5a3fbe1">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I don't know what you mean. He said everything that I mentioned in front of me while FI was sitting next to me.<strong> I wish we could refuse the money but at this point, we can't. If we do, there won't be a wedding at all.</strong>
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

<div>I know it's easier to say this from the outside looking in, but from my perspective, I would seriously be reconsidering whether I wanted to have this wedding right now. If my FFIL talked to me that way, and my FI allowed it to continue past the first insult, I would have bigger problems to worry about than a wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>If that becomes a regular occurrence (say, when you have your first child, and your FFIL starts making more demands that your mother should be paying for everything), I would honestly start asking myself if that's a family I would want to be married into.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as the bolded part is concerned, you could always go to the courthouse and have a JOP marry you. You do not HAVE to accept his money in order to be married. If you and FI are still 100% in line that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, you have to decide what's more important: standing up for yourself and refusing to accept even a penny from someone who obviously has blatant disrespect for you and your FI.... or having a PPD.</div>

bsidebella · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:dc1b85e9-bd3e-4bb3-9d39-fb2c12148421">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : You're right. You should call up your mother and say, "Mom, I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about my wedding budget when I realized that you've been DISINTERESTED in my wedding..." COME ON! Don't try to act like this isn't about money when the entire post is about money. You want your FILs money to pay for your PPD. Your FILs are PO'ed that your family is not contributing and made several ridiculous comments because of it. You feel like you "need" the money because without it, your PPD wouldn't be your dream wedding day. So now you're questioning whether or not you should ask your mother, who has already stated that she's not contributing, to give you money. Give me a break. This isn't about your mother. This is about your PPD.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

PPD? Are you f*cking kidding me? I completely and utterly resent that, and I'm shocked that you think that way. Calling it a PPD is an insult.

You don't know me. You don't know my situation, my mother, my fiance, my entire situation. How dare you make ridiculous assumptions. There is a lot going on that you don't know, honey.

I'm happy that you have enough money to pay for your own wedding. Bravo. You are clearly a better person than I am. Some are not so lucky.

IrishDreamer · February 2012

Whoa, whoa whoa ladies.

B has been having a rough couple of months, and came here looking for somewhere to vent/rage/cry/whatever -

I feel like a dead horse is being beaten here....but maybe that's just me

peekaboo2011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:dc1b85e9-bd3e-4bb3-9d39-fb2c12148421">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : You're right. You should call up your mother and say, "Mom, I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about my wedding budget when I realized that you've been DISINTERESTED in my wedding..." COME ON! Don't try to act like this isn't about money when the entire post is about money. You want your FILs money to pay for your PPD. Your FILs are PO'ed that your family is not contributing and made several ridiculous comments because of it. You feel like you "need" the money because without it, your PPD wouldn't be your dream wedding day. So now you're questioning whether or not you should ask your mother, who has already stated that she's not contributing, to give you money. Give me a break. This isn't about your mother. This is about your PPD.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Shoes, I usually feel like you give good advice. I feel like you're usually pretty level headed. This crosses a line for me.

</div>

bethsmiles · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:dc1b85e9-bd3e-4bb3-9d39-fb2c12148421">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : You're right. You should call up your mother and say, "Mom, I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about my wedding budget when I realized that you've been DISINTERESTED in my wedding..." COME ON! Don't try to act like this isn't about money when the entire post is about money. You want your FILs money to pay for your PPD. Your FILs are PO'ed that your family is not contributing and made several ridiculous comments because of it. You feel like you "need" the money because without it, your PPD wouldn't be your dream wedding day. So now you're questioning whether or not you should ask your mother, who has already stated that she's not contributing, to give you money. Give me a break. This isn't about your mother. This is about your PPD.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Wow Shoes. This post is way harsh. I'm all for honesty and bluntness but IMO you are just trying to be mean here.

loves2shop4shoes · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:72009805-d0e4-46be-80c5-116b73679d1e">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : PPD? Are you f*cking kidding me? I completely and utterly resent that, and I'm shocked that you think that way. Calling it a PPD is an insult. You don't know me. You don't know my situation, my mother, my fiance, my entire situation. How dare you make ridiculous assumptions. There is a lot going on that you don't know, honey. I'm happy that you have enough money to pay for your own wedding. Bravo. You are clearly a better person than I am. Some are not so lucky.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

No, I am not kidding you. You can get married by a JOP for less than $100. Don't act like you don't have options. You DO. You just don't like them. Stating otherwise is disingenuous and an insult to our intelligence.

If there is more you'd like to share, I'm happy to offer adive and opine, but I can only go by what you're saying here. And whay you're saying here doesn't add up.

I'm sorry, but I think it's better to advise you according to reality, as opposed to shitting rainbows & puppies or saying nothing at all.

I never said I was better than you. I'm sorry that you are feeling inferior. I started from scratch...ZERO. FI and I worked together, made sacrifices, and SAVED for our wedding. I'm not some spoiled brat. Frankly, you would do well to follow our example by ceasing this pity party and shoulder the expenses for your OWN wedding.

peekaboo2011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:613552f4-cb5f-4236-931d-f49caaf1c0d6">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : No, I am not kidding you. You can get married by a JOP for less than $100. Don't act like you don't have options. You DO. You just don't like them. Stating otherwise is disingenuous and an insult to our intelligence. If there is more you'd like to share, I'm happy to offer adive and opine, but I can only go by what you're saying here. And whay you're saying here doesn't add up. <strong>I'm sorry, but I think it's better to advise you according to reality, as opposed to shitting rainbows & puppies or saying nothing at all.</strong> I never said I was better than you. I'm sorry that you are feeling inferior. I started from scratch...ZERO. FI and I worked together, made sacrifices, and SAVED for our wedding. I'm not some spoiled brat. Frankly, you would do well to follow our example by ceasing this pity party and shoulder the expenses for your OWN wedding.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>I feel like your first post did that. You still crossed a line when it came to B's mom. You had no right to sit here and tell her that her concerns about her relationship with her mom weren't real. Nor did you have any right to judge that those concerns were purely financially motivated.</div><div>
</div><div>As far as saying nothing at all, not everything needs to be said in the open.</div>

jemmini6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:72009805-d0e4-46be-80c5-116b73679d1e">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : PPD? Are you f*cking kidding me? I completely and utterly resent that, and I'm shocked that you think that way. Calling it a PPD is an insult. You don't know me. You don't know my situation, my mother, my fiance, my entire situation. How dare you make ridiculous assumptions. There is a lot going on that you don't know, honey.<strong> I'm happy that you have enough money to pay for your own wedding. Bravo. You are clearly a better person than I am. Some are not so lucky. </strong>
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

bside, that's not what most of us are getting at, and you know it. Your original post was venting about your FFIL, which I totally get, but then YOU made the connection between your mom not paying and not being interested, which are two totally separate things, and that's why a lot of people commented about paying for your own wedding.

I think the main points everyone is trying to make is this:
1. Your FI needs to support you and needs to realize that it is not your mom's responsibility to pay.
2. If your FFIL's contribution is contingent on you asking your mom for money, then the only thing to do is turn down his money, which despite what you say, IS an option.
3. If you have to turn down his money, then you likely won't get to have the wedding you were originally planning. It sucks and he's wrong to hold that over your head, but you need to make the adult decision on what is more important to you: having the wedding you want, or letting your FFIL treat you like shiit. If all you can afford to do is go to the courthouse, then that's what you should do.
4. Basically, don't let this wedding stress get in the way of your marriage.

ETA: and I think most of us are just trying to help you through an all around shiity situation. It really does suck that this is how things are turning out and I really hope your FFIL will come around and this whole thing will be a non-issue, but just in case he doesn't, that's where the other advice comes from.

bethsmiles · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:d68d414f-f064-4e80-8d8a-a1fb886a5d55">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I feel like your first post did that. <strong> You still crossed a line when it came to B's mom. </strong> <strong>You had no right to sit here and tell her that her concerns about her relationship with her mom weren't real. Nor did you have any right to judge that those concerns were purely financially motivated. As far as saying nothing at all, not everything needs to be said in the open.</strong>
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

I agree with Peek 100% and since she said it much nicer than I would've I'm going to leave it at that.

ravenray · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:613552f4-cb5f-4236-931d-f49caaf1c0d6">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : No, I am not kidding you. You can get married by a JOP for less than $100. Don't act like you don't have options. You DO. You just don't like them. Stating otherwise is disingenuous and an insult to our intelligence. If there is more you'd like to share, I'm happy to offer adive and opine, but I can only go by what you're saying here. And whay you're saying here doesn't add up. I'm sorry, but I think it's better to advise you according to reality, as opposed to shitting rainbows & puppies or saying nothing at all. I never said I was better than you. I'm sorry that you are feeling inferior. I started from scratch...ZERO. FI and I worked together, made sacrifices, and SAVED for our wedding. I'm not some spoiled brat. Frankly, you would do well to follow our example by ceasing this pity party and shoulder the expenses for your OWN wedding.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
<span style="font-size:11pt;line-height:115%;font-family:'Calibri','sans-serif';">Shoes, chill. I know you are trying to help her but I really don't think it is helping in this case. B has struggled with money for several long months and I feel like it is unfair to tell her she should just save it all herself. That would be nice yes but not necessary. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to have the wedding of your dreams and I do feel like B has adjusted those dreams to fit her budget. I don't think she should take money from her FFIL but If she does it's not the end of the world. I know you pride yourself on being blunt but I think you went overboard. </span>
EDIT: I am sorry I don't know why the font is all Fup!

DanieKA · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:613552f4-cb5f-4236-931d-f49caaf1c0d6">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : No, I am not kidding you. <strong>You can get married by a JOP for less than $100. Don't act like you don't have options. You DO. You just don't like them. Stating otherwise is disingenuous </strong>and an insult to our intelligence.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree that this has probably gotten a little sharper than it needed to. And I do think shoes was harsh in the last few posts to Bside. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I agree with this. I think plenty of posters have gently and more firmly told B over and over that this is not a one time thing. That if she takes the money there will be strings and it will extend beyond the wedding. But she seems to want to take the money because she wants to have something more than the bare minimum for her wedding. That's fine. No judgements, though I wish she'd just admit it one way or the other. </div><div>
</div><div>BUT that's going to lead to some serious eye rolling and frustration when every 3 days there's a wedding related vent on the board that she could have prevented by taking control and going down to the courthouse (or taking no money and saving longer as a couple). Is it glamorous? no. Is she married at the end of the day? yes. I think her willingness to give over the control and then hem and haw about it endlessly when we've all given her really viable options is what's irking some people. Or just me. You know I don't speak for anybody:) </div><div>
</div><div>butalsoplus, I'm not touching the mother issue. Family stuff is complicated. </div><div>
</div>

Swazzle · February 2012

While I wouldn't have said it quite the way Shoes did, I do see her points. Especially the part about saving for the wedding that YOU WANT rather than relying on other people.

I'm still not understanding why if you don't take FFIL's money for the wedding (which you said you weren't expecting to begin with) why you can't still have the wedding you want.

loves2shop4shoes · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:d68d414f-f064-4e80-8d8a-a1fb886a5d55">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I feel like your first post did that. You still crossed a line when it came to B's mom. You had no right to sit here and tell her that her concerns about her relationship with her mom weren't real. Nor did you have any right to judge that those concerns were purely financially motivated. As far as saying nothing at all, not everything needs to be said in the open.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

I have a right to give my opinion.

And I never said her relationship concerns weren't real. I said THIS wedding, financial stuff has NOTHING to do with her relationship with her mother. Two separate things that SHE comingled in a post about MONEY. I never said her relationship concerns were PURELY financially motivated, but it's hard to believe there's no financial component to them when she mentions it in a post about MONEY.

I have a hard time sitting here and having everyone pat her on the back about her relationship with her mother in the middle of a "WAHHH, I DON'T WANT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE PAYING FOR <u><em><strong>MY WEDDING</strong></em></u> TO BE MEAN TO ME" post.

bethsmiles · February 2012

Seriously Shoes? As I remember it you had some pretty big pity parties over your lost PPD before you pulled it together and payed for the wedding by yourself. I think you need to get off your high horse because no one else here is "shitting rainbows & puppies" and they also aren't being overly harsh, unhelpful, and really judgmental.

You have the right to your opinion and yes, you made good points. Unfortunately, good points are often lost when someone can't bother to state them in a constructive manner. That is my opinion.

TheMutleys · February 2012

I think that Shoes is coming from a place of getting extremely burned when it comes to money being offered and then having to majorly adjust their wedding plans. (She did throw a big stink about it. AND she was taken to town for throwing that stink. Then, she put on her big girl panties and started to adjust her expectations and plans.) I do think that the base of her advice is spot on but maybe the delivery was off. Enh.

The message is...

You do what you can with what you have. If you cannot do what you want with what you currently have, then you need to either adjust your wants OR wait until you can afford them. It is THAT simple. It's called being an adult. It doesn't matter if it is a wedding, a car, a house or whatever other thing you may want. AND if you accept someone's financial help in getting those things, you may be agreeing to strings you may not like.

At the end of the day, I still think the biggest problem is that your FI is not on the same page as you. Eff the in-laws. Eff your mom's disinterest. Your FI is the one you are marrying. The two of you need to communicate until you are both secure in your JOINT decision.

IrishDreamer · February 2012

Shoes, Take a step back.

You are right, you have every right to give your opinion. The problem comes when you cross that line from constructive, helpful criticism to hurtful, mean, borderline self righteous sounding criticism.

Beth is right, the ladies supported you through your issues with law school, and you trying to figure your wedding stuff out - why shouldn't we do the same thing for B?

loves2shop4shoes · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:6267d092-f25d-411c-87a9-1c332e83262b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think that Shoes is coming from a place of getting extremely burned when it comes to money being offered and then having to majorly adjust their wedding plans. (She did throw a big stink about it. AND she was taken to town for throwing that stink. Then, she put on her big girl panties and started to adjust her expectations and plans.) </strong>
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

BINGO.

HULU · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:42ab4dd8-d2af-46aa-9a02-b92bc9f95750">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : I agree that this has probably gotten a little sharper than it needed to. And I do think shoes was harsh in the last few posts to Bside. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I agree with this. I think plenty of posters have gently and more firmly told B over and over that this is not a one time thing. That if she takes the money there will be strings and it will extend beyond the wedding. But she seems to want to take the money because she wants to have something more than the bare minimum for her wedding. That's fine. No judgements. BUT that's going to lead to some serious eye rolling and frustration when every 3 days their a wedding related vent on the board that she could have prevented by taking control and going down to the courthouse. Is it glamorous? no. Is she married at the end of the day? yes.<strong> I think her willingness to give over the control and then hem and haw about it endlessly when we've all given her really viable options is what's irking some people.</strong> Or just me. You know I don't speak for anybody:) butalsoplus, I'm not touching the mother issue. Family stuff is complicated.
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think it's just you, Danie. I think that's a good observation of what's going on here. Granted, there is a lot of dead-horse beating going on (as Lauren stated), but I think B had at least a little bit of an idea on how people would respond, and that she was trying to ward off any negative responses she didn't want to hear with the "Don't Judge" in the title.</div><div>
</div><div>I understand that you're upset, B, and I wish I could offer you a great big hug and tell you everything's going to be okay. I don't think any response I have read so far has been judgey. No one's judging you by saying anything along the lines of "Why can't you pay for your own wedding? I did!", but rather "If you want to have this ideal wedding, without being guilted by someone for using their money, you NEED to pay for it yourself. It IS possible, because I did it." See what I mean?</div><div>
</div><div>The only judgment I saw in this thread was your response to Shoes about not being "as good as her" and we all know it was said out of anger and frustration. We all understand, and no one is faulting you for that. It hurt, I know it did. But you have to realize she didn't have anything handed to her on a silver platter, either. To say you can't have a wedding without your FFIL's money is probably, to her, like saying "There's no way you did that, it's not possible. You had to have had it handed to you."</div><div>
</div><div>I know I probably just beat a dead horse even further, but I've never been very good with words, so please take it with a grain of salt.</div>

peekaboo2011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:67d3da34-4c28-46c1-bd3f-9c583b047ebf">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : BINGO.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>Bingo, yes.</div><div>
</div><div>You need to take a step back and give her a chance to get through this. And I'd be willing to bet you that once she's processed through all of this and has a chance to sit down and really go through it, big girl panties will come on and good decisions will be made. But jumping down her throat now is NOT constructive.</div>

desertsun · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:6267d092-f25d-411c-87a9-1c332e83262b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that Shoes is coming from a place of getting extremely burned when it comes to money being offered and then having to majorly adjust their wedding plans. (She did throw a big stink about it. AND she was taken to town for throwing that stink. Then, she put on her big girl panties and started to adjust her expectations and plans.) I do think that the base of her advice is spot on but maybe the delivery was off. Enh. The message is... You do what you can with what you have. If you cannot do what you want with what you currently have, then you need to either adjust your wants OR wait until you can afford them. It is THAT simple. It's called being an adult. It doesn't matter if it is a wedding, a car, a house or whatever other thing you may want. AND if you accept someone's financial help in getting those things, you may be agreeing to strings you may not like. At the end of the day, I still think the biggest problem is that your FI is not on the same page as you. Eff the in-laws. Eff your mom's disinterest. Your FI is the one you are marrying. The two of you need to communicate until you are both secure in your JOINT decision.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Yes. This. My usual ability to express myself must be broken today. Or this week.

NurseyK · February 2012

Agreed with Mutley.

Your biggest problem right now is that your FI isn't backing you up 100% to his own parents. He should be sticking up for you and your beliefs and opinions, not pressuring you to pressure your mom.

I'm sorry that this situation blows. You should save up what little bit of money you can. All you really need is about $1000 between the two of you for a dress, a suit, two wedding bands, a small bouquet, a guitarist, and an officiant. Elope and have an extravagant weekend somewhere nice.

I'd be willing to be that the married peeps on here would agree that 20 years from now you will be proud that you were able to do what you could at the time. It won't matter that you didn't have a $20K wedding.

Or keep their money, but be willing to deal with their strings, and more manipulation in the future. Be prepared to deal with what attitudes and expectations they might throw at you in the future.

MerNuss · February 2012

[EDIT: I replied to page 1. I didn't see the... *ahem* Chaos of pages 2&3. Ultimately, I agree that the most important thing is Bella's and her FI's wedding, and ultimately it started out as just that... a really small wedding. I think FI's family got upset at the idea, expected more, and it developed into this without B or FI's realization. This has been a really fast process, and I hope it smooths out for them. Ultimately, if they decided to go to a JOP, I would support them, but the backlash from the FILs would ultimately be really hard on FI, knowing him personally. He'd really let it get to him. It's a pretty complicated family.]

Bells, as tough as it is, I agree with them [RE: realizing the attachments to the money they offered] . I had no idea how bad last night's arguement was. Did you say anything to FILs about Mom's situation? Yell back, tell them their accusations aren't true?

I know your mom. Your mother has defended you to the ends of the earth, don't think I don't remember. There's no way she would withold something from you that would make you happy, especially your wedding, no matter who you're marrying. FI always has his own story for what happened and why he does what he does, but I really, seriously hope you stood up for yourself. The demands you mentioned here, as well as the ones you told me about on the phone are over the top and ridiculous and there's no amount of money he could give you guys to make it worth the agony he's putting you through. "Thats just the way weddings are[?]" Well not yours. That's just it. In the beginning, your sentiment was "lets just get married, what are we waiting for??" Now FFIL is turning it into something different. If he wants the extras, if he so badly wants you two to have a typical wedding, he should pay for just those and quit b*tching to you two about it; OR, HE can consider not going if he's not going to enjoy contributing to his Son and future daughter-in-laws happiness or if their wedding is apparently too lame for his tastes (bargh I'm mad). But seriously, if you guys just said "EFFIT, we don't want your money," what would they do? You two can get married anyway, and those of us who love you will back you up. You and FI just enjoy beginning your life together, and remember I'm right behind Y-O-U every step of the way.

Love,

Maid of Awesome, Dith :-)

klkaigev · February 2012

Ugh, good lord. You poor thing. I dunno..I'd say F* it and turn everyone's money down and go get married by Elvis somewhere with no one present but my FI.

Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards