Friendzilla (sorry its LONG)
Hi everyone!
It’s been awhile since I have posted on the boards L so I will re-introduce myself briefly… My name is Kara and my fiancé and I live in Ithaca. We’re getting married at Ventosa Vineyards on August 18th, 2012.
Ok problem at hand – I have a crazy bridesmaid. We have been friends since we were in elementary school. She got married this past summer and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. I think I was a good bridesmaid – came in from out of town for every event and never argued with her and just did as I was told. However, she has yet to realize that it is no longer her wedding day and that now it is time for some of her friends to get started on their own wedding planning. She was very secretive about everything she did during her planning process including refusing to show us her dress until the day of. I put that behind me and decided to ask her to go wedding dress shopping with me. She came the first time, but I went back out a second time and she couldn’t make it that day and that was the day that I found my dress. I think she is bitter that she wasn’t there for it and that another one of our friends was. I made the mistake of telling her what dress it was so that she could google it to see it since the store didn’t allow us to take photos and I have since learned that she is showing people my dress (my friends back home) and complaining that my dress looks like hers – WHO DOES THAT? You would think that she would be respectful of me since she kept hers a secret until the day of. And I’ve got news for her…. Most dresses these days look alike or at least have things in common (95% are strapless, white, sparkly)! We can choose anything we want for a wedding dress and… I chose what I liked and it’s not like I went out shopping and was like I need to find a dress like hers! This is supposed to be such a happy thing and she’s turned into something so miserable and I’m not even excited anymore L
This also isn’t the only thing that she’s done, but this was the breaking point and I can’t take it anymore – she needs to be put in her place! She is someone who views weddings as being a competition… I feel that everything she asks me about is just so that she can know if her wedding was better or not. She was all about the wedding because that meant that she got to be the center of attention and unlike her I don’t really care to be the center of attention and I don’t view it as being a competition at ALL! It is a day for FI and I to share our love and to bring our family and friends together… it is the one day that we will have almost everyone that we care about in one place! She wasn’t always like this, but she’s become someone completely different. She always needs to get her way and her DH just gives into whatever she asks for and is not helping her improve her attitude at all. She’s been complaining about everything that I’ve planned so far ,which isn’t much so that has me worried that if it is this bad now and we haven’t done much planning yet… how bad is it going to get and that is why I need to put my foot down. Also the worst part is that she hasn’t said anything about the dress or the wedding to my face so I’ve had to hear this from other people at home. I want people in my wedding that are supportive and excited for me not trying to bring me down… this is supposed to be such an exciting time! My question is has anyone else to deal with a bridezilla that turned into a friendzilla after their wedding? And what is the best way to go about talking to her? I hate confrontation so I usually try and avoid it at all costs so I could really use some advice! Thanks!
Re: Friendzilla (sorry its LONG)
I'd probably try to avoid a lot of wedding talk with her. Just be as vague as possible and try to ignore any criticisms she might have. And FWIW, my dress was kinda similar to one of my friends' that got married last year. It's bound to happen!
The worst of her transgressions to me seems to be her showing everyone your dress and complaining that it looks like yours! I would be really upset if my bridesmaids had shown people my dress, even if they weren't complaining. That being said, I'm non-confrontational like you so I'd probably just say "Hey, so-and-so told me you showed them my dress. I was kind of hoping you could keep that to yourself since I'm worried about too many people seeing the dress and my FI somehow finding out. I'm sure you know what it's like." Or some version of that.
Then, I'd stop telling her anything about my wedding.
If she asks questions or offers to help you with favors/programs/etc. THEN I'd explain to her that you'd love for her to help but you've been feeling like she keeps comparing your wedding to hers and it's making you upset. Tell her how happy you were for her to have had such a wonderful wedding but you think now is your time. Then I'd just tell her, if she can put her wedding asside and focus on being excited for you and helping you, then you'd welcome her help, if not, then you'd rather she not help you with those things.
That's just my opinion. It's probably easier said than done! I'm sure the other girls will have some great advice too.
Keep your chin up! Good luck!
Kinda sucks shes being so competative. I have a life long friend who was married 4 months after me and 1 before my sister and our weddings were soooooo similar. We had the EXACT same dress, same flowers, both donated to children with cancer as favors, her BM dresses are same color and style as my sisters. We both had the same first dance song and father/daughter song, both outdoor daytime ceremonies. Its not a competition, its we wedding and a marriage. I say tell her to get over herself.
But in all seriousness, stop talking to her about your wedding. If she asks why wedding talk stopped, be honest with her. Tell her you dont want the details of your wedding broadcast to everyone back home and you heard she was being negative about your plans. If she cant be supportive then she doesnt need to know about it.
People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
If you simply want to get through the process without much more nonsense from her, do as PP said and don't discuss anything wedding-related with her. "FI and I are still figuring that out/we want that to be a surprise/etc, but OHMYGOD please tell me you caught last night's episode of x factor/glee/whatever"
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. People do change, and I think that's why a lot of the women on these boards (not all!) suggest waiting to ask the bridal party until the time gets closer. It's not that you won't be friends, but friendships change with marriage and you can avoid unnecessary conflict.
But with that being said, don't talk about the wedding!!!! Don't show her your dress, accessories, etc. if you know it's going to be a competition!
"This is supposed to be such a happy thing and she’s turned into something so miserable and I’m not even excited anymore"
I don't know about you, but I would never, ever let someone come between my happiness with my FI and the experience of our engagement. Maybe it's easier said than done, but if it truly got the point where it's that miserable, I would just keep the wedding subject on the DL for now.
[QUOTE] " This is supposed to be such a happy thing and she’s turned into something so miserable and I’m not even excited anymore " <strong>I don't know about you, but I would never, ever let someone come between my happiness with my FI and the experience of our engagement. </strong>Maybe it's easier said than done, but if it truly got the point where it's that miserable, I would just keep the wedding subject on the DL for now.
Posted by JN382[/QUOTE]
Exactly!! This is the rest of YOUR life....not hers. This is YOUR wedding...not hers. YOUR happy time...she had hers. I could keep going. Point being, you need to be happy and excited for your day and if shes taking that from you...stop bringing up the subject that creates the misery.
People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
I do have to add though... that your wedding is over 10 months away. I would stop talking about it with her (and well... pretty much everyone except TK and maybe mom and fi) altogether. There really isn't anything that she needs to be a part of this early... and talking about it with her seems to only be causing you stress.
I'm not saying avoid her at all costs, but focus on your friendship and just hang out... sans wedding talk. It will probably do you both good.
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I do have to add though... that your wedding is over 10 months away. I would stop talking about it with her (and well... pretty much everyone except TK and maybe mom and fi) altogether. There really isn't anything that she needs to be a part of this early... and talking about it with her seems to only be causing you stress.
I'm not saying avoid her at all costs, but focus on your friendship and just hang out... sans wedding talk. It will probably do you both good.
Miss Mrs. New & Improved Blog Chart
Online Garage Sale
monica & kevin married 5.28.11
bfp 8.11.11 - m/c 8.17.11
bfp 11.11.11 - edd 7.25.12