Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding

3 months after securing our venue/date, my bridesmaid got engaged and chose a date for 2 weeks after our wedding. She asked that I be a bridesmaid prior to them choosing a date and I accepted. 

Unfortunately, because of her choice of dates we had to cancel our honeymoon which was going to be 2 weeks long. When I told her that we were supposed to be on our honeymoon during her wedding, she responded by saying "wow, must be nice to be able to afford a 2 week long vacation, isn't that a little long?". Now, her honeymoon is scheduled to be 12 days long and ours has been dropped to 5 days. 

In addition, she has complained about financial stuff because she has "her wedding to pay for". She is bailing on participating in my shower or bachelorette parties unless I'm willing to do a "co-shower & co-bacherlorette party" so that dates are convenient for her. 

Additionally, we share a group of friends that would be traveling a long distance to attend our weddings and now they have to decide which wedding because they can't do both. 

Overall, she has yet to acknowledge that maybe it wasn't smart (for even her own sanity) to not put her wedding 12 days after ours. I'm definitely not the type of bride that thinks my wedding should be life consuming for everyone but I do think for the sake of our shared friends and in consideration of planning stresses, that the date is entirely too close. 

BTW, we are getting married on our 6 year anniversary...my bridesmaid chose their date because she might be teaching and that is spring break time...though she will also have the entire summer off and could have planned it for then. I love my bridesmaid dearly and would have never expected this from her...it's just really disappointing. And for the past 5 months A LOT of decisions we've made have been planned around her wedding agenda instead of our own. 

I've been super nice throughout the whole thing but the co-showers and money complaining is starting to push me over the edge. Any advice...I deifnitely need it!
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Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:ca3231be-bdd0-43a3-a0b3-6b769c63bfc4">Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]3 months after securing our venue/date, my bridesmaid got engaged and chose a date for 2 weeks after our wedding. She asked that I be a bridesmaid prior to them choosing a date and I accepted.  Unfortunately, because of her choice of dates we had to cancel our honeymoon which was going to be 2 weeks long. When I told her that we were supposed to be on our honeymoon during her wedding, she responded by saying "wow, must be nice to be able to afford a 2 week long vacation, isn't that a little long?". Now, her honeymoon is scheduled to be 12 days long and ours has been dropped to 5 days.  In addition, she has complained about financial stuff because she has "her wedding to pay for". She is bailing on participating in my shower or bachelorette parties unless I'm willing to do a "co-shower & co-bacherlorette party" so that dates are convenient for her.  Additionally, we share a group of friends that would be traveling a long distance to attend our weddings and now they have to decide which wedding because they can't do both.  Overall, she has yet to acknowledge that maybe it wasn't smart (for even her own sanity) to not put her wedding 12 days after ours. I'm definitely not the type of bride that thinks my wedding should be life consuming for everyone but I do think for the sake of our shared friends and in consideration of planning stresses, that the date is entirely too close.  BTW, we are getting married on our 6 year anniversary...my bridesmaid chose their date because she might be teaching and that is spring break time...though she will also have the entire summer off and could have planned it for then. I love my bridesmaid dearly and would have never expected this from her...it's just really disappointing. And for the past 5 months A LOT of decisions we've made have been planned around her wedding agenda instead of our own.  I've been super nice throughout the whole thing but the co-showers and money complaining is starting to push me over the edge. Any advice...I deifnitely need it!
    Posted by lazybride21[/QUOTE]

    JIC
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  • Seriously dude, dont cut your honeymoon short. I think its incredibly rude she would put you in that position. It really sounds like shes just being purposely difficult. PLEASE dont cut your honeymoon short for her.
  • The nerve of her stealing your thunder and making YOUR honeymoon shorter!  B.S.  I would just tell her that you can't support her being so rude to you, and not supporting that YOU got engaged FIRST and planned your wedding first!  Ugh.  I'm so annoyed by this for you.  
  • All I have to say is no one made you shorten your honeymoon for her wedding.  You could easily (probably more easily than shortening your HM!) have said "Sorry, we'll be out of town.  If your heart is set on that date, I just won't be able to make it."
  • I agree with JK.  If I were in your shoes, I would back out of her wedding and take your originally planned HM.  Also the idea of a co-shower is beyond ridiculous in my book.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2009
    If you didn't want to shorten your honeymoon, you shouldn't have.  YOu could have said "sorry, we'll be out of town that day."  Or, you could have pushed the trip back a couple of weeks. 

    2 weeks is plenty of time between weddings.  If she doesn't make it to your parties, so what?  An invitation is not a subpoena. 

    It sucks that she's making your mutual friends choose, but they knew about your wedding first and will probably choose yours.  Schedules are complicated, and things just work that way sometimes.
  • Allrighty, step by step here :)

    1. You should not have cut your HM short, and if you can, change it back. On the flipside, don't judge the length of her HM because of a random comment, Maybe she does think it's long, but someone is helping them pay for it,  whatever, who knows, or her FI booked it and didn't really care she thought it was too long.

    2. She should not be complaining about financial cost to you, unless you're asking these parties to be thrown.

    3. She chose her date for spring break, and that bothers you beause she didn't choose the summer. Maybe she doesn't want to wait any longer to get married. We're getting married on spring break because I wanted a HM and I'm tired of waiting so that's why we chose spring break instead of summer break.

    I feel like maybe you both are being a little unreasonable.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:0fe8eea0-fb46-48d2-8284-88fa6248c7f3">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]An invitation is not a subpoena.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    If TK was allowing me to have a sig, this would be there.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:277949a6-7a79-4b44-bd43-4c7f44beca18">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]The nerve of her stealing your thunder and making YOUR honeymoon shorter!  B.S.  I would just tell her that you can't support her being so rude to you, and not supporting that YOU got engaged FIRST and planned your wedding first!  Ugh.  I'm so annoyed by this for you.  
    Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

    Also, I may not have been around enough lately for you all to remember, but this was blatant sarcasm on my part. Juuuust in case you were wondering.
  • This is clearly another situation in which sneaking into her house and cutting off all of her pant legs is the answer.
  • Why couldnt you just shorten your honeymoon the day before her wedding? that would still give you practically 2 weeks, no?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:fdecc2ba-1901-4fd9-b30d-aaba1c0ace69">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why couldnt you just shorten your honeymoon the day before her wedding? that would still give you practically 2 weeks, no?
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]


    THIS. and tell her that if she can't afford to throw the showers, then don't participate. she also shouldnt expect you to throw showers for her based on that kind of logic. You have other bridesmaids no? they can take of it and let her just show up and wear the dress. I would also stop consulting her on ANYTHING. Just tell her, this is what we're doing, I hope you can come. She's doing that to you.
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  • While I agree it sucks and it may have been insenstive on her behalf, only you can decide how to behave and feel about it.  Don't cut your honeymoon short for her.  You will probably regret it.

    You had your reasons for planning your wedding the day you did and she did as well.  You may not agree with it, but it doesn't have to change anything for you.
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  • one of my bridesmaids is also having her wedding 13 days after my wedding. I am in her wedding too. Its making it hard but we are making it work. I am getting back from my HM the day before her wedding.. so I will miss her bach. but we are okay with that.

    we organized things together, making sure showers and such wouldnt overlap- and tried on bridesmaid dresses togehters.

    We made it work... sounds like your friend and you arent working together on this.

    and I agree just having your hm end the day before hers.

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  • As PP's said, no one made you shorten anything. That was your choice. You could have said "hey BM, I'm happy for you, but as you know, we've already planned our HM and it overlaps with your wedding.  I'm so sorry I can't make it."  And then left it at that. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:2d2f1319-618a-4c2c-b54f-d41f000dd16c">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is clearly another situation in which sneaking into her house and cutting off all of her pant legs is the answer.
    Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

    This always works for me.
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  • Why did you change your HM plans for her wedding? You're stuck now and it was your choice.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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  • I know that no one made me cut the honeymoon short. Yes, perhaps that was the best time to step down as bridesmaid (she had asked me prior to setting her date). Honestly, I wussed out and didn't want to complicate things for her.
  • So you cut your first trip together with your new husband from 2 weeks to 5 days just to avoid making things difficult for your friend?
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • Why didn't you just cut it short a couple days?

    I agree it's annoying, but her reasoning sounds logical to me. And I think a lot of places here spring is still cheaper than the summer, so that (or a million other reasons) could be why she didn't want summer. The point is, I'm sure she didn't do it to be a problem for you, so there is no reason to be mad at her. It sucks, but that's just the way life works out some times.

    And honestly the money comments are probably true, weddings are expensive to pay for. Why don't you compromise and do a bachelorette together and seperate showers. That actually makes sense to me (not so much a co-shower) and then maybe more of your friends could come to everything.
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  • You should have never cut your honeymoon short.  At this point, I would book your honeymoon back again and then step down as a BM for her wedding.
  • MyNameIsNot: if everyone thinks I shouldn't have cut the honeymoon short, then why is moving my honeymoon to another time the right solution? I don't have a problem with whether she attends the parties, I do care if she is complaining about costs/dates to me and the other BM's. 

    AmoroAgain: we've been planning for 1.5 years. I've been a member for a while because I'm a wedding photographer.

    Mwhitson14: She coordinated her honeymoon plans and regularly speaks of the lengthy vacation she is taking; if the scenarios you mentioned applied, of course I wouldn't judge. No, I'm not requesting the parties be thrown. I've been extremely reasonable with her...judging by all the comments in this thread, I've been too reasonable. EXAMPLE: she is complaining about me not being able to attend her destination 5 day long bach party a week before our wedding while simultaneously complaining about the date of my 1 nigh bach party because she has "things to do"

    nda_roxybabe: We thought about your suggestion, but her wedding activities are spread throughout the week and getting a flight to her destination from ours was going to cost way too much.

    Overall: 
    I considered joint parties, but I'm not traveling to another country for 5 days before my wedding...I can't afford it. Contrary to the responses here, I do think it's unreasonable to put the wedding near ours and then complain every step of the way about how things are working, especially when I have compromised plenty of times. I don't want or need to back out of responsibilities to her, I just want the complaining to stop.

  • Well, this thread is about to be gone as soon as Dani or Ring gets on because she's going to be banned.
  • I second, third and fourth the following statements:

    1. Nobody made you cut your honeymoon time.

    You could have cut it down by a day or so and just not been a part of the rehearsal or something.

    2. Nobody made you accept the position of Bridesmaid.

    She asked you. She didn't demand you.

    [quote]3. She chose her date for spring break, and that bothers you beause she didn't choose the summer. Maybe she doesn't want to wait any longer to get married.
    I feel like maybe you both are being a little unreasonable.[/quote]

    And lastly, I agree with the PP who mentioned that it sucks that you have mutual friends but there's not much you can do. Just hope for the best and stop worrying.

    Trust me, I'm 7 days from my wedding and I've had 4 people inform me last minute they can't come. I'm actually happy to have less.
  • navybaby1113: why would I be banned?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:8968d493-a6ab-4720-acd8-96af980e1ca8">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]navybaby1113 : why would I be banned?
    Posted by lazybride21[/QUOTE]

    Because you told us that you're a wedding photographer. Read the rules, sista.
  • Because vendors aren't allowed.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-chose-wedding-date-2-weeks-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d84b4b2-940b-480a-944f-c5e4d222148fPost:8968d493-a6ab-4720-acd8-96af980e1ca8">Re: Bridesmaid Chose Wedding Date for 2 Weeks After Our Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]navybaby1113 : why would I be banned?
    Posted by lazybride21[/QUOTE]

    Obviously you didn't read the rules when you signed up for the site.  Vendors aren't allowed.
  • If only Likefrankiesaid was still around to tell her the woes of being a wedding photographer on TK.
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