Does this make me mean?

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

Also, I seem to remember y'all having similar problems before the wedding where he really did think all you did all day was sit around and watch TV and not look for jobs. You really need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him about how he treats you. If you dojn't bring it up, he'll never change because he won't know what he needs to work on.

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

eye to eye, poli!!

NuggetBrain · June 2010

He puts the cans and bottles on top of the counter by the sink. The recycling bag is under the sink. Literally, about two feet away.

He always left the cans and bottles there, but he was starting to get better with it before I lost my job. Now he thinks he can just leave them because he knows I hate clutter and I'll put them away myself rather than waiting for him to do it, because I'm home all day now and I don't like spending my day in mess. Everything else though, I'm not sure if he did it before and I just didn't notice, or he's gotten worse, or what. All I know is that it seems like now he just drops his clothes NEXT TO the hamper. And leaves glasses NEXT TO the sink. That's what pisses me off the most. Seriously dude, it's RIGHT THERE.

ohwhynot · June 2010

After reading about his family, I kind of get it, maybe. In your mind, you're comparing what you're doing against what he's doing, and he's falling way way way short. True. In his mind, maybe he's comparing what he's doing against what his dad did, and he's way ahead of the game. Also true.

This often happens with childcare after babies are born. The men compare themselves to their dads and pat themselves on the back for doing so much more. The women compare their husbands to themselves and wonder why the hell they're doing all the work. Both are right, it's just a matter of perspective.

Does that make any sense? I think he's acting like pretty jerk-y, and you need to have a come-to-jesus talk with him pronto, but perhaps he simply doesn't see it from your perspective.

akhunter1 · June 2010

It sounds like you are both pretty immature to me...You need to learn to share responsibilities.

I Want Cake · June 2010

You are absolutely not in the wrong. It sounds like he's resentful that you can stay home all day and he has to go to work. If it were me, I'd make sure to get this figured out right away because it cannot go on. The longer it goes, the more resentful you'll both be.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

Poli and Georgia, you guys are right. And he still always says to me "you need to find a job, you need to get a job" like I don't know that and am just sitting on my ass eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. It's really, really starting to piss me off. And I'm already stressed knowing my unemployment runs out in August, which only gives me two months to find a job.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:65203626-f2ee-49e7-9cd5-e5f66bac6488">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you are both pretty immature to me...You need to learn to share responsibilities.
Posted by akhunter1[/QUOTE]

WTF, how is me doing 95% of the housework and asking him to pick up his goddamn clothes being immature?

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:65203626-f2ee-49e7-9cd5-e5f66bac6488">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you are both pretty immature to me...You need to learn to share responsibilities.
Posted by akhunter1[/QUOTE]

I never do this, but....who are you?

LesPaul · June 2010

No, you're not being mean. I could see picking up a little more of the household duties since you're home more right now, but he should continue to do his own basic adult maintenance for himself. I would never leave dirty clothes on the floor for DH to deal with, for example, when I am perfectly capable and expected to put my own stuff in the hamper. Noodle is acting like a spoiled brat.

kikibaby · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:bb0dfaa2-5602-40ec-b106-6a1934eebdb9">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]Poli and Georgia, you guys are right. And he still always says to me "you need to find a job, you need to get a job" like I don't know that and am just sitting on my ass eating bon bons and watching soaps all day. It's really, really starting to piss me off. And I'm already stressed knowing my unemployment runs out in August, which only gives me two months to find a job.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I'm getting pissed off for you, Nugget. Please please try and get him to go to counseling. Both the way he is talking to you and treating you are not fair or right. You don't deserve that.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

Own, what you say makes perfect sense. And I wouldn't be surprised if that's what was in his head.

laladypoet · June 2010

That's just disrespectful.

I don't think we need to go to THAT extreme. I think he's just being lazy. I hate to say it, but a lot of men are (my H included).

NickDanielleB · June 2010

I think you are justified in being pissed about him not helping out a little bit. Calling you "mean" because you want him to act like an adult is stupid.

We have a rule in the house, I do everything but dishes, trash and kitty litter. If he wants something washed, it needs to be in the hamper. If he complains that his favorite band t-shirt isn't clean when he wants to wear it, tough, if it was in the hamper then it would be clean. It took a while to get it through to him, but I stuck to my guns. He still slips and we argue about chores. But I made it clear to him, I'm not his maid and I'm not his mom. Good luck with your guy. Hopefully you can get through to him somehow.

laladypoet · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:2a82a969-c6d8-40bd-bc43-93f08cc1cb48">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE] If you dojn't bring it up, he'll never change because he won't know what he needs to work on.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]
I 100% agree with this. when I feel Jose is being lazy and taking advantage of me, I tell him so. I mean, sometimes I yell that he is a lazyass, so that's probably not the BEST way to go about it, but hell, marriage has a learning curve.

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

From the other perspective, my H was in your position (he was unemployed from Feb-Apr) and it is hard (for the working spouse) when you know your spouse is looking, but you feel like they could be doing more even when you know they are doing everything they can. I think it's just human nature. We're raised to think that people's value is based on their employment. But feeling that way and taking it out on your spouse are two different things. I made it a point not to nag him about what he'd done everyday, because I've been there and resentment can build very quickly. In our case, we decided that he would benefit from furthering his education, so he's now working at Lowe's and will be starting school this summer. But I think that you should not be taken advantage of just because you happen to be home more.

I think you just need to lay it on the line with Noodle. Tell him that you couldn't possibly be trying any harder, but that you are starting to resent his feelings towards you and encourage him to be honest with you, even if it means you'll hear something you might not want to.

The only way we get through things like this is constant open communication.

I also think you need to tell Noodle that you feel disrespected when he treats you like a maid. No matter how he was raised, you entered a marriage together, and it's not his parents' marriage, and he needs to understand that. Plus, it's 2010 and the economy is in the shitter, so he can't have June Cleaver even if he wanted to.

Sorry for the wall o'text. I just feel like you need to stand up for yourself and tell him that his actions hurt you more than he seems to realize. I'm sure some of those feelings were put on the back burner when the wedding got close, but you hav to live together for the rest of your lives, and I'd be damned if I was going to be someone's maid.

laladypoet · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:554eafde-b658-45d6-9592-2ed3856190b5">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading about his family, I kind of get it, maybe. In your mind, you're comparing what you're doing against what he's doing, and he's falling way way way short. True. In his mind, maybe he's comparing what he's doing against what his dad did, and he's way ahead of the game. Also true. This often happens with childcare after babies are born. The men compare themselves to their dads and pat themselves on the back for doing so much more. The women compare their husbands to themselves and wonder why the hell they're doing all the work. Both are right, it's just a matter of perspective. Does that make any sense? I think he's acting like pretty jerk-y, and you need to have a come-to-jesus talk with him pronto, but perhaps he simply doesn't see it from your perspective.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
OWN is wise. I think this is a much more logical explanation than he's just a rude, incosiderate disrespectful jerk who is rude and disrespectful and inconsiderate and jerky. if he made a habit of being an asshat, I doubt you would've married him.

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

I really don't talk that much IRL. I don't know why I am such an online blabbermouth.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:7e2e5b7c-cec4-4449-9797-86dad8fec2e6">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]He puts the cans and bottles on top of the counter by the sink. The recycling bag is under the sink. Literally, about two feet away. He always left the cans and bottles there, but he was starting to get better with it before I lost my job. Now he thinks he can just leave them because he knows I hate clutter and I'll put them away myself rather than waiting for him to do it, because I'm home all day now and I don't like spending my day in mess. Everything else though, I'm not sure if he did it before and I just didn't notice, or he's gotten worse, or what. All I know is that it seems like now he just drops his clothes NEXT TO the hamper. And leaves glasses NEXT TO the sink. That's what pisses me off the most. Seriously dude, it's RIGHT THERE.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

Well, my DH does this too. Not so much laundry, but with cans and glasses. He sets everything on the counter right above the recycle bin (seriously, drop it in there, dude), or puts his plates down without rinsing them off (gross). I think it's mainly him just being a spacey guy with a lot on his mind.

However, he will put everything where it belongs if I ask. He won't throw it back in my face and say that I have more time so I should clean up. It's not so much about what he's doing, but how he's responding to your requests. You should sit him down and let him know you don't appeaciate how he talks to or treats you.

polichik · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:3fefe02a-7c60-48eb-904f-bdd42649ff95">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's just disrespectful. I don't think we need to go to THAT extreme. I think he's just being lazy. I hate to say it, but a lot of men are (my H included).
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

Lala, if this was the first time I'd heard about someting like this from Noodle, I'd agree with you. But what from Nugget says (at least from her perspective), this has changed and become deliberate since she's been unemployed. That's the difference... Being messy is different from trying to make a point by making your wife pick up after you because she's "home all day."

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

Please tell him how you feel! I would hope that if he knew you were feeling this way, he would help out.

That being said..he is bogus! You are not the maid and not putting his clothes in the hamper, whether you were going to pick them up or not, is triflin! Any grown person should put their own nasty clothes in the hamper. Even if you were the maid, he should still do that.

It really seems that he is doing these things to spite you. Stopping at the store on his way home should not be a big deal. Isn't he going to eat?? I would really talk to him about the way you are feeling and hopefully he steps back and sees that he is really not treating you as his equal.

AmoroAgain · June 2010

I agree with all of what OWN and Georgia said. H doesn't say anything to me about job hunting or cleaning-- but i also think he's weird and remarkably un nosy about that stuff for some strange reason.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:263c0108-1838-4311-b647-89decc4b1185">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me mean? : Lala, if this was the first time I'd heard about someting like this from Noodle, I'd agree with you. But what from Nugget says (at least from her perspective), this has changed and become deliberate since she's been unemployed. That's the difference... Being messy is different from trying to make a point by making your wife pick up after you because she's "home all day."
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

I feel like he's doing it not really to make a point, but because he knows that he doesn't have to be as neat because I'm home all day to be neat for him. Noodle is a neat freak - bigger than I am. So before, he knew that to keep it neat since I was working, he had to put his own sh*t away. Now, he thinks since I'm home all day, he doesn't have to anymore because now I have the time to put his sh*t away. I do have the time. What I lack is the inclination.

laladypoet · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:263c0108-1838-4311-b647-89decc4b1185">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me mean? : Lala, if this was the first time I'd heard about someting like this from Noodle, I'd agree with you. But what from Nugget says (at least from her perspective), this has changed and become deliberate since she's been unemployed. That's the difference... Being messy is different from trying to make a point by making your wife pick up after you because she's "home all day."
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
I hear ya, poli, but I disagree that his motives are to make her feel bad about herself. I personally think his motivation is that he thinks he has a free pass to be lazy now. I think it's as simple as that, and to look for another reason is chasing rabbit trails.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

Has he lived on his own before, Nuggs? Because lazy is one thing. Seriously not realizing how much you are already doing if you're used to having your mom do it is one thing. Passive agressive behavior and/or a sexist view of division of labor is totally something else. But either way, you should bring it up to him calmly.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:c2566502-9b5c-4d07-8b34-f42dd5a68776">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me mean? : I hear ya, poli, but I disagree that his motives are to make her feel bad about herself. I personally think his motivation is that he thinks he has a free pass to be lazy now. I think it's as simple as that, and to look for another reason is chasing rabbit trails.
Posted by laladypoet[/QUOTE]

I see that point, but a few months ago, she posted about how he was pissed that she couldn't find a job because he's always found a job within, like, a month, and she's been unemployed since last fall, I believe. So he could just be mad at her for that, or resentful of the fact that he has to support the household. Not that it's justified because of that.

NuggetBrain · June 2010

He went from living at home to his own place, but only had his own place in theory (it was in his name, but I spent pretty much every night there). I do think there's a lot of built up resentment regarding my not working, and that he doesn't understand why I haven't found a job yet. I've gone on a few interviews, but nothing came of them.

polichik · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:42a072e8-8c15-46e7-b5c4-9b6b6157295d">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me mean? : I see that point, but a few months ago, she posted about how he was pissed that she couldn't find a job because he's always found a job within, like, a month, and she's been unemployed since last fall, I believe. So he could just be mad at her for that, or resentful of the fact that he has to support the household. Not that it's justified because of that.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

That's sort of my thinking. I do see what you're saying, lala, and I really hope it's as simiple as that. I know I'm also a bit biased because I've had a really hard time with some of the stuff that I've heard about Noodle on here, although I know it's biased since I only hear the tough stuff, not the good stuff, which I know exists in plenty.

laladypoet · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:42a072e8-8c15-46e7-b5c4-9b6b6157295d">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Does this make me mean? : I see that point, but a few months ago, she posted about how he was pissed that she couldn't find a job because he's always found a job within, like, a month, and she's been unemployed since last fall, I believe. So he could just be mad at her for that, or resentful of the fact that he has to support the household. Not that it's justified because of that.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
I remember that but I'm hoping that just because he was being a jerk a few months ago (and from what I remember, they talked about it and he got much better) doesn't mean it's related to this.

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-mean-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7c5215c4-d13d-47b6-825d-aff25dc8ff73Post:7a6a51f4-dbd6-417a-babb-7d0c50071f95">Re: Does this make me mean?</a>:
[QUOTE]He went from living at home to his own place, but only had his own place in theory (it was in his name, but I spent pretty much every night there).<strong> I do think there's a lot of built up resentment regarding my not working, and that he doesn't understand why I haven't found a job yet. </strong> I've gone on a few interviews, but nothing came of them.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

I'm sure that that is partly the case. I know that, at times, I resent FI for being the one who got laid off. As much as I logically know that he's just as frustrated and is trying to get a job, that little part inside of me is jealous and it kills me, I don't want to feel this way (and I've considered counseling) but I can't help it. We have had many talks where we're both open about how we feel and it helps a lot to air everything out in a (usually) calm way. It helps me understand where he's coming from and vice versa.

Does this make me mean?

Re: Does this make me mean?

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