FI and I are waiting. It's just something that is important to us. But we don't have any ridiculous unrealistic expectations of our first time. We're perfectly prepared for the fact that it will probably be painful and not that great and whatnot. And we're not too worried about not being sexually compatible because we've done other things together so I think we'll be okay. But I certainly don't judge anyone else, you just have to do what is right for you as a couple.
I think this is something that can only be answered by each individual for themselves.
A wedding night will be special as it is the first night with your husband whether or not you slept with him before. Having sex or not having sex isn't what makes a marriage special in my opinion so the fact that someone has or hasn't had sex won't affect the 'specialness' of that first night.
I don't see why someone who has had sex would spend their wedding night with friends? I am not sure what is implied, if anything, by that statement.
My wedding night will be special because it is the first night as the wife of the man I love. If we have sex or not, it is our first night as man and wife.
I guess for me, love and marriage aren't all about sex.
I have an anxiety disorder. Not that my anxiety is the sole reason I made the choices I've made, but it definitely has a major impact on my life. I also was sexually abused my ex-boyfriend (Who is the only other person I've had any real "sexual experiences" with aside from my husband), which made for tons of issues that I had to work through with DH for years to get our sex life to the healthy place it is now.
On my wedding day, I actually was not the slightest bit worried about anything, and you can see it in my photos: I look relaxed and incredibly happy. If I had to worry about having sex for the first time since all of the damage my ex did (Or losing my virginity, if nothing had ever happened with my ex)., I can guarantee I would have looked like a nervous wreck in all of my photos (And would not have actually enjoyed any of my wedding), because I would have stressing about it all damn day. And the sex would have been awful, no question about it.
And yes, we did have sex on our wedding night, and it was awesome and it felt extremely special to us.
*I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:398c21b4-ae9b-484b-abd0-91cfaa560c27">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! <strong>I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. </strong>Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-) Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE] The problem isn't that you have an opinion about premarital sex. The problem is that in your OP, you mentioned that you wanted "nonjudgmental" responses, but proceeded to type a question that came across as pretty judgy. I don't think that most PPs are actually offended, but that your post did come off as judgy and condescending while expecting others to be "nonjudgmental." Just own your sentiments and let's move on.
To your question. I had originally planned on waiting until marriage for religious reasons. However, over time my theology did grow/transform somewhat, and my views on premarital sex are not the same as they once were. My FI and I were virgins when we first had sex. We've been able to get better at sex together without the pressure of one being more "experienced" than the other. I cannot speak for other people and their sex lives. It works for us, I don't regret my choice to waith as long as I did or lose my virginity when I did.
As far as our marriage is concerned, I don't think that night will be any less special because we will be <em>married</em>. Committing to my FI for life and merging our lives together, that's a huge deal in and of itself. It's not like since we had sex, our wedding night will be just like any other night or anything. That sounds kind of stupid IMO. There's so much more to marriage than sex.
I have friends who did wait/are waiting until marriage. I respect that. However, I think that sometimes people who put a lot of stock in waiting until marriage rush into marriage a little too quickly. Some of them focus more on marriage as a license to have sex rather than a lifelong commitment to another person. I have friends who did wait and married young or quickly because they wanted to have sex. And quite a few got divorced within a few years.
[QUOTE] I have friends who did wait/are waiting until marriage. I respect that. However, I think that sometimes people who put a lot of stock in waiting until marriage rush into marriage a little too quickly. Some of them<strong> focus more on marriage as a license to have sex rather than a lifelong commitment to another person. I have friends who did wait and married young or quickly because they wanted to have sex. </strong> And quite a few got divorced within a few years. Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]
<div>So glad you brought this up because it was something I was thinking throughout the thread. I respect all people's choices and admire those who stick to their religious beliefs and wait until marriage (though it's not my personal belief). But I have found that some who wait until marriage only think about the sex and not the marriage itself. Sounds kiddie of me, but I watched an MTV True Life episode that was about a couple who waited until marriage for sex AND kissing! Instead of talking about the wedding or the marriage, the entire wedding-planning focused around the sex they could finally have. They went from a couple with a shallow relationship (not necessarily due to no sex, just them in particular) to a couple suddenly thrown into a home together, living on their own for the first time, kissing for the first time, having sex for the first time, etc. etc. I'm not sure where they are today, but for me personally, that's way too much change to be anxious about and my anxiety would be through the roof.</div><div> </div><div>I have a girlfriend who started dating a Pentecostal guy. They were having sex regularly and I guess his family found out about it. The family basically said they wouldn't be welcome in the church if they had premarital sex like they suspected, so my friend and the guy got married.. at 18!!! Granted, they've been married a few years and still seem to be doing well but I just couldn't believe someone would get married due to sex. Seems to cheapen the marriage in their case.</div>
I think the arguing back and forth in this thread is ridiculous. The OP asked a question and it seems like everyone read way too much into her wording. Sure, maybe she could have worded it differently, but I could say the same for a lot of people posting in this thread.
We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else.
Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together.
I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be.
By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school.
And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting.
The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together.
I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting.
Cew, I'm more peeved by her responses later on in the thread than I am by the original post. I mean, the implications in the first post made me roll my eyes a little bit, but at least for me, I wouldn't have been so annoyed if she hadn't come back saying nobody had a right to be offended.
We didn't wait. And I am soooo glad, because my first time was absolute hell for me, and I would not want to be going through all that pain on my wedding night. And my wedding night will be special because it's my wedding night.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:1930d52e-e19a-428d-b09b-9d3fbe10127a">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. <strong>We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together.</strong> I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :) Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
I've done all those things with men who aren't my FI. And I've been physically attracted to all of them too. But when it came time for the actual sex, it just wasn't good...even after the first and second times. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other, physically. I'm not saying you're wrong, just commenting on my experience with sex.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:1930d52e-e19a-428d-b09b-9d3fbe10127a">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible<strong><u>," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!)</u></strong> I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together. I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :) Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
Not being sexually compatible can be many different things. First of all, he could not be able to "perform", or the sex could be really bad and still be bad over time. Bad sex sucks and finding out that the sex is bad with someone you had hoped it would be good with is really disappointing.
To add, I would make my partner get tested for STD's even if he said he was a virgin. As much as I love my H, and trust him, my health and life is important to me. Had he claimed to be a virgin, I would still have asked him to get tested before we had sex. Finding out you have an STD is not the way you want to learn that he lied. (im not saying your or anyone elses fi is lying). I would rather be safe than sorry.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:5a58f69b-159d-4334-86ce-a4fbba4c284c">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]Cew, I'm more peeved by her responses later on in the thread than I am by the original post. I mean, the implications in the first post made me roll my eyes a little bit, but at least for me, I wouldn't have been so annoyed if she hadn't come back saying nobody had a right to be offended. Posted by MandK9[/QUOTE]
Sure, but I think she only reacted that way because people spazzed out about her OP. I'm not saying she didn't do anything ridiculous in the thread. All I'm saying is that a lot of people acted ridiculously.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:7bcdbb12-cbd5-4594-bf17-37fd1b52804b">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I've done all those things with men who aren't my FI. And I've been physically attracted to all of them too. But when it came time for the actual sex, it just wasn't good...even after the first and second times. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other, physically. I'm not saying you're wrong, just commenting on my experience with sex. Posted by regan117[/QUOTE]
Agree. I remember one guy in particular that I dated casually for a decent amount of time. We did plenty of physical things before having sex and I was attracted to him. When we finally had sex, it was the worst ever. What do they call it? "One pump chump?" Yeah he was that. In, out, OVER. (TMI, I know)
We tried many times over time and it was like that every time. He was awkward and terrible. Chances are, the sexual compatibility is more than likely not going to be an issue.. but with divorce rates where they are, something I personally am not willing to risk :)
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:1d2b2102-dd3e-4087-92e2-e17d45f02c68">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]Did this thread become 'unclosed'? I'm confused.. Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE]
I think the mod closed this thread by accident when she meant to close a different one.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:787c5d2d-641b-43cf-b3c5-5f46aa60e815">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I think the mod closed this thread by accident when she meant to close a different one. Posted by dragonwagon[/QUOTE]
Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha.
Lady-" (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) "
Ever heard the phrase "like throwing a hotdog down a hallway"?.
Not all guys are the same size. Some guys are tiny, like, 3 inches hard. Some guys are like, 9 inches hard. Some are skinny, some are fat, some are bent, even. For me, personally, my guy has to be physically compatible with my body. The chemistry can be there, but if its so huge it hurts every single time, or so small you can't feel it, then there are going to be issues.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:df87a6b3-c01e-4f4d-a752-f7ab2d020a5c">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha. Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE] I'm wondering if people PM'd her to have her open it, since the discussion moved on.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:df87a6b3-c01e-4f4d-a752-f7ab2d020a5c">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha. Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE]
Ahem, yes it was a mistake....I thought I was on another thread, posted in here and closed this one....Sorry all!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:86c890d9-a412-4d65-8d51-36255c3bedd1">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I'm wondering if people PM'd her to have her open it, since the discussion moved on. Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
The dog one...which did close but the post didn't appear there, it came on this thread and closed this one....Either I was really on la-la land or the TK gods were at it again. Either way this thread wasn't supposed to have closed.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:10de6b55-c0f1-4881-8502-db5c62fc4843">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]Warning- possible TMI! Lady-" (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) " Ever heard the phrase "like throwing a hotdog down a hallway"?. Not all guys are the same size. Some guys are tiny, like, 3 inches hard. Some guys are like, 9 inches hard. Some are skinny, some are fat, some are bent, even. For me, personally, my guy has to be physically compatible with my body. The chemistry can be there, but if its so huge it hurts every single time, or so small you can't feel it, then there are going to be issues. Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:1930d52e-e19a-428d-b09b-9d3fbe10127a">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. <strong>Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) </strong> I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together. I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :) Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
Compatibility is not just about emotional compatibility...of course you enjoy kissing, cudding, etc. you are getting married. But it's more about how the pieces of the puzzle fit together--remember the shape sorting box? The square block goes in the square hole. Then you always have that poor kid who couldn't quite figure it out, so they would just keep trying to force block in the wrong hole...okay, that was kind of a pervy metaphor, and I took it a little too far...
I also disagree with the idea that sexual compatilibilty makes or breaks a relationship, rather than the strength of your relationship contributing to your sexual compatibility. We've been waiting, too, and I'm not expecting anything mind-blowing on our wedding night. I'm just looking foward to finally experiencing that kind of intimacy with my husband.
Like other PP's have said, I respect those who chose not to wait for their own reasons, and I would appreciate not having my decision dismissed or insulted by implications that by not having pre-martial sex, I don't know if FI and I are sexually compatible. I KNOW we will be, because we have that respect for each other that's been cultivated (in part) by waiting. We have a connection that can only be augmented by sex (and other forms of intimacy), not destroyed if we're not "compatible" in the bedroom.
There is a lot more to marriage than just sex. I've been with my FI for 6 years and we have a son together so obviously I didnt wait but hes the only man I've ever been with. Alof of people think its dumb for me to be getting married since we already have a child together, but marriage is a commitment and sometthing I want to experience. I wouldnt of wanted to wait until my wedding night to be my first time, it is painful but to each her own. I think our wedding night will be very romantic even if thats not our first time together.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_honest-thought-provoking-question-sleeping-together-before-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:01d35481-bc34-4a4f-9a8f-e1950aa87956Post:572790dc-78c8-4c67-ad9a-2bf52c5d95dc">Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?</a>: [QUOTE]We plan on making the wedding night special with whips and handcuffs. Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
LMAO! You're awesome, J&K
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"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue
Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married?
A wedding night will be special as it is the first night with your husband whether or not you slept with him before. Having sex or not having sex isn't what makes a marriage special in my opinion so the fact that someone has or hasn't had sex won't affect the 'specialness' of that first night.
I don't see why someone who has had sex would spend their wedding night with friends? I am not sure what is implied, if anything, by that statement.
My wedding night will be special because it is the first night as the wife of the man I love. If we have sex or not, it is our first night as man and wife.
I guess for me, love and marriage aren't all about sex.
Wait if you want, don't if you don't.
On my wedding day, I actually was not the slightest bit worried about anything, and you can see it in my photos: I look relaxed and incredibly happy. If I had to worry about having sex for the first time since all of the damage my ex did (Or losing my virginity, if nothing had ever happened with my ex)., I can guarantee I would have looked like a nervous wreck in all of my photos (And would not have actually enjoyed any of my wedding), because I would have stressing about it all damn day. And the sex would have been awful, no question about it.
And yes, we did have sex on our wedding night, and it was awesome and it felt extremely special to us.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I wish I knew! Other people were using words like "offended," "pissed off," and "condescension" first! <strong>I would actually prefer if people just answered the question and didn't try to fix motives or judgements onto the original question. </strong>Although, yes, I agree with a PP, it's not really up to me to attempt to correct every single person who happens to "be offended," I have the time, so, why not? :-)
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]
The problem isn't that you have an opinion about premarital sex. The problem is that in your OP, you mentioned that you wanted "nonjudgmental" responses, but proceeded to type a question that came across as pretty judgy. I don't think that most PPs are actually offended, but that your post did come off as judgy and condescending while expecting others to be "nonjudgmental." Just own your sentiments and let's move on.
To your question. I had originally planned on waiting until marriage for religious reasons. However, over time my theology did grow/transform somewhat, and my views on premarital sex are not the same as they once were. My FI and I were virgins when we first had sex. We've been able to get better at sex together without the pressure of one being more "experienced" than the other. I cannot speak for other people and their sex lives. It works for us, I don't regret my choice to waith as long as I did or lose my virginity when I did.
As far as our marriage is concerned, I don't think that night will be any less special because we will be <em>married</em>. Committing to my FI for life and merging our lives together, that's a huge deal in and of itself. It's not like since we had sex, our wedding night will be just like any other night or anything. That sounds kind of stupid IMO. There's so much more to marriage than sex.
I have friends who did wait/are waiting until marriage. I respect that. However, I think that sometimes people who put a lot of stock in waiting until marriage rush into marriage a little too quickly. Some of them focus more on marriage as a license to have sex rather than a lifelong commitment to another person. I have friends who did wait and married young or quickly because they wanted to have sex. And quite a few got divorced within a few years.
Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]
<div>So glad you brought this up because it was something I was thinking throughout the thread. I respect all people's choices and admire those who stick to their religious beliefs and wait until marriage (though it's not my personal belief). But I have found that some who wait until marriage only think about the sex and not the marriage itself. Sounds kiddie of me, but I watched an MTV True Life episode that was about a couple who waited until marriage for sex AND kissing! Instead of talking about the wedding or the marriage, the entire wedding-planning focused around the sex they could finally have. They went from a couple with a shallow relationship (not necessarily due to no sex, just them in particular) to a couple suddenly thrown into a home together, living on their own for the first time, kissing for the first time, having sex for the first time, etc. etc. I'm not sure where they are today, but for me personally, that's way too much change to be anxious about and my anxiety would be through the roof.</div><div>
</div><div>I have a girlfriend who started dating a Pentecostal guy. They were having sex regularly and I guess his family found out about it. The family basically said they wouldn't be welcome in the church if they had premarital sex like they suspected, so my friend and the guy got married.. at 18!!! Granted, they've been married a few years and still seem to be doing well but I just couldn't believe someone would get married due to sex. Seems to cheapen the marriage in their case.</div>
Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together.
I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be.
By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school.
And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting.
The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together.
I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting.
[QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. <strong>We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together.</strong> I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :)
Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
I've done all those things with men who aren't my FI. And I've been physically attracted to all of them too. But when it came time for the actual sex, it just wasn't good...even after the first and second times. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other, physically. I'm not saying you're wrong, just commenting on my experience with sex.
[QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible<strong><u>," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!)</u></strong> I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together. I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :)
Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
Not being sexually compatible can be many different things. First of all, he could not be able to "perform", or the sex could be really bad and still be bad over time. Bad sex sucks and finding out that the sex is bad with someone you had hoped it would be good with is really disappointing.
To add, I would make my partner get tested for STD's even if he said he was a virgin. As much as I love my H, and trust him, my health and life is important to me. Had he claimed to be a virgin, I would still have asked him to get tested before we had sex. Finding out you have an STD is not the way you want to learn that he lied. (im not saying your or anyone elses fi is lying). I would rather be safe than sorry.
DX: PCOS/Recurrent losses/MTHFR mutation (compound hetero)
5 hysteroscopies/2 surgical
3 Inject IUIs = 2 m/c's and 1 BFN
IVF #1= BFP. m/c at 7w6d. Needed 2 D&C's and scar tissue removal. Mild OHSS
IVF #2 = BFP. Severe OHSS. 4 Drainings. TWINS!
[QUOTE]Cew, I'm more peeved by her responses later on in the thread than I am by the original post. I mean, the implications in the first post made me roll my eyes a little bit, but at least for me, I wouldn't have been so annoyed if she hadn't come back saying nobody had a right to be offended.
Posted by MandK9[/QUOTE]
Sure, but I think she only reacted that way because people spazzed out about her OP. I'm not saying she didn't do anything ridiculous in the thread. All I'm saying is that a lot of people acted ridiculously.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I've done all those things with men who aren't my FI. And I've been physically attracted to all of them too. But when it came time for the actual sex, it just wasn't good...even after the first and second times. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other, physically. I'm not saying you're wrong, just commenting on my experience with sex.
Posted by regan117[/QUOTE]
Agree. I remember one guy in particular that I dated casually for a decent amount of time. We did plenty of physical things before having sex and I was attracted to him. When we finally had sex, it was the worst ever. What do they call it? "One pump chump?" Yeah he was that. In, out, OVER. (TMI, I know)
We tried many times over time and it was like that every time. He was awkward and terrible.
Chances are, the sexual compatibility is more than likely not going to be an issue.. but with divorce rates where they are, something I personally am not willing to risk :)
[QUOTE]Did this thread become 'unclosed'? I'm confused..
Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE]
I think the mod closed this thread by accident when she meant to close a different one.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I think the mod closed this thread by accident when she meant to close a different one.
Posted by dragonwagon[/QUOTE]
Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha.
Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE]
I'm wondering if people PM'd her to have her open it, since the discussion moved on.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : Not according to what she said when she did close it.. Oh well. Still interesting / confusing. Haha.
Posted by cupcakesfrosting[/QUOTE]
Ahem, yes it was a mistake....I thought I was on another thread, posted in here and closed this one....Sorry all!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: An HONEST thought-provoking question: sleeping together before married? : I'm wondering if people PM'd her to have her open it, since the discussion moved on.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
Nope.
The dog one...which did close but the post didn't appear there, it came on this thread and closed this one....Either I was really on la-la land or the TK gods were at it again. Either way this thread wasn't supposed to have closed.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]Warning- possible TMI! Lady-" (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) " Ever heard the phrase "like throwing a hotdog down a hallway"?. Not all guys are the same size. Some guys are tiny, like, 3 inches hard. Some guys are like, 9 inches hard. Some are skinny, some are fat, some are bent, even. For me, personally, my guy has to be physically compatible with my body. The chemistry can be there, but if its so huge it hurts every single time, or so small you can't feel it, then there are going to be issues.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
I agree completely.
[QUOTE]We're waiting, and we haven't slept with anyone else. <strong>Are we sexually compatible? As far as I can tell, heck yes. We haven't seen each other naked, we haven't hit second base, much less any further on than that. But we're physically close. We kiss, we cuddle, we caress, and I think that we can tell that we're going to be "compatible," whatever that means. (I'd love to hear a description of what that means from someone who knows, btw, since it comes up in so many conversations on this!) </strong> I find my fiance very attractive, and very exciting, and I'm really looking forward to figuring out this mysterious sex thing together. I feel like a lot of other religious couples may struggle here, because they're so "modest" that they don't touch each other before marriage, and so they don't have any idea what it's like to be affectionate with each other, and this can lead to problems. I also feel like they may not communicate about what their expectations are. Not that I think that "More physical affection!" is a solution to determining compatability before marriage, but I definitely think that "More communication!" may be. By waiting for each other, we're absolutely guaranteeing that we will not give each other sexually-transmitted diseases. I almost don't have to worry about HPV at all, which means I can avoid the vaccine shot, yay. We're also absolutely guaranteeing I won't get pregnant while we're both still in school. And yes, we're also fulfilling our religious beliefs about marriage. According to our beliefs, God gave sex to married couples to celebrate and cement their covenant to each other. We honor God's plan for marriage and for us by waiting. The more I read about sex and marriage as the day approaches, the more I have realized that it's not going to be The Perfect Night. It might be awkward, or uncomfortable, or something- *I* don't know. But it's something we're both going to be novices at, and we can both figure it out together. I'm not judging any non-Christians who make different choices - it's all about your beliefs and priorities. These are just the reasons we're waiting. :)
Posted by LadyArkham[/QUOTE]
Compatibility is not just about emotional compatibility...of course you enjoy kissing, cudding, etc. you are getting married. But it's more about how the pieces of the puzzle fit together--remember the shape sorting box? The square block goes in the square hole. Then you always have that poor kid who couldn't quite figure it out, so they would just keep trying to force block in the wrong hole...okay, that was kind of a pervy metaphor, and I took it a little too far...
Like other PP's have said, I respect those who chose not to wait for their own reasons, and I would appreciate not having my decision dismissed or insulted by implications that by not having pre-martial sex, I don't know if FI and I are sexually compatible. I KNOW we will be, because we have that respect for each other that's been cultivated (in part) by waiting. We have a connection that can only be augmented by sex (and other forms of intimacy), not destroyed if we're not "compatible" in the bedroom.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]We plan on making the wedding night special with whips and handcuffs.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
LMAO! You're awesome, J&K
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"You wore a tit dress at an AIDS party??? You need to go to the whore corner with Mara " - Blue