This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong

mmw&lmd · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:d0675329-53a6-4b84-9b34-d855768ebf29">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : Where did I say I don't like her because she's working at 85? Stop saying things I didn't say. I said she's 85, we would never be friends outside of work. And that's the truth. Other than the elders in my family, I don't have any close friends outside of my age range and I'm not 85. I don't know how old you are but when is the last time you went out for a drink with someone 50+ years older than you that wasn't related to you?
Posted by luvvtoobeme[/QUOTE]
It was implied. She's saying if her age wasn't important in determining why you didn't like her, you would have never mentioned it in the first place. It would have been irrelevant. <div>
</div><div>I don't have any 85 y/o co-workers, but I go out with my 50-60 y/o co-workers, and I'm in my 20's. Age shouldn't be a factor... personality is. So if your co-worker was just a rotton person, we're saying you should have just left it at that and excluded the bit about her age. When you mention something, you're telling us it matters to you... otherwise you wouldn't have even thought to mention it. </div>

redheadfsu · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:d0675329-53a6-4b84-9b34-d855768ebf29">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : Where did I say I don't like her because she's working at 85? Stop saying things I didn't say. I said she's 85, we would never be friends outside of work. And that's the truth. Other than the elders in my family, I don't have any close friends that far outside of my age range and I'm not 85.<strong> I don't know how old you are but when is the last time you went out for a drink with someone 50+ years older than you that wasn't related to you?
</strong>Posted by luvvtoobeme[/QUOTE]

I drink with people that age...it is called networking.

I just wanted to add CNN did abit about a stockbroker who is still working at 106. The newscasters went "awww, good for him." OP, same thing there. People don't understand why you think her age is a bad thing/her age would prevent you from being friends with her.

luvvtoobeme · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:4502ae5e-8853-45a2-902b-8dd0df3dd817">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : It was implied. She's saying if her age wasn't important in determining why you didn't like her, you would have never mentioned it in the first place. It would have been irrelevant. I don't have any 85 y/o co-workers, but I go out with my 50-60 y/o co-workers, and I'm in my 20's. Age shouldn't be a factor... personality is. So if your co-worker was just a rotton person, we're saying you should have just left it at that and excluded the bit about her age. When you mention something, you're telling us it matters to you... otherwise you wouldn't have even thought to mention it.
Posted by mmw&lmd[/QUOTE]

It was relevant to me because generally people in their 20's and people in their 80's don't socialize much unless they're family. I mentioned it to illustrate how far we are from being friends even outside of work. My grandmother is 98 years old. I can spend forever with her and love every second of it but that's because she's my grandmother not girlfriend.

luvvtoobeme · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:64654153-ec9b-45ef-bdee-f92ce1cbf8d6">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : I agree with this. What if she was 25? Would you invite her?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Absolutely not. 85 or 25 she's not a nice person.

mmw&lmd · December 2011

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : It was relevant to me because generally people in their 20's and people in their 80's don't socialize much unless they're family. I mentioned it to illustrate how far we are from being friends even outside of work. My grandmother is 98 years old. I can forever with her and love every second of it but that's because she's my grandmother not girlfriend.
Posted by luvvtoobeme[/QUOTE]I understand what you're saying here, but I don't get that out of your OP.<div>
</div><div><strong>" She is rude, fake, and constantly talks behind my back but is always "pleasant" to my face but I know its not sincere. Other than the "I simply don't like her" reason, is the fact that she's 85 years old!!! (Don't ask me why she's still working... I'll never understand it) We would NEVER be friends outside of work"</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Perhaps you just worded your OP poorly, but when I read the quoted portion above, what I see is "Besides the fact that I <em>just don't like her, </em>she's 85 years old!! Why would I want to invite an 85 y/o to my wedding/be friends with one?" I get that that may not be what you were trying to say, but I hope you're understanding why a lot of people got irritated with that remark.</div><div>
</div><div>As a PP mentioned, a ton of 20-somethings socialize with older people for networking purposes. It's very common, actually.

</div><div><em>Anyways</em>, if she really is just a bitter nasty lady, I would politely tell her that the details of your wedding aren't open for discussion. If she pushes, tell her you will not discuss it with her, and you would appreciate it if she would not ask again. Without being in that situation, that's the best advice I have on how to handle it.</div>

luvvtoobeme · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:3a6c5dd3-421f-4143-b573-8e334ca7301d">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand what you're saying here, but I don't get that out of your OP. " She is rude, fake, and constantly talks behind my back but is always "pleasant" to my face but I know its not sincere. Other than the "I simply don't like her" reason, is the fact that she's 85 years old!!! (Don't ask me why she's still working... I'll never understand it) We would NEVER be friends outside of work" Perhaps you just worded your OP poorly, but when I read the quoted portion above, what I see is "Besides the fact that I just don't like her, she's 85 years old!! Why would I want to invite an 85 y/o to my wedding/be friends with one?" I get that that may not be what you were trying to say, but I hope you're understanding why a lot of people got irritated with that remark. As a PP mentioned, a ton of 20-somethings socialize with older people for networking purposes. It's very common, actually. Anyways , if she really is just a bitter nasty lady, I would politely tell her that the details of your wedding aren't open for discussion. If she pushes, tell her you will not discuss it with her, and you would appreciate it if she would not ask again. Without being in that situation, that's the best advice I have on how to handle it.
Posted by mmw&lmd[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the advise.
I see your point about networking with older people but there's a difference between networking and socializing.

toeveryhour · December 2011

And SHE'S the fake one? Listen, I don't know what goes on at your work place behind closed doors, but everything you said regarding the other co-worker kind of describes you in a similar fashion. She may talk behind your back, but aren't you doing the same thing here on this forum?

You have a few options. 1. Quit being a coward and tell her straight up she's not invited, and ruin your professional environment at work. 2. Don't invite either coworker, which will in turn cause some tension at your work place regardless considering the other is your friend. 3. Invite both. Inviting her doesn't mean that you have to spend all night babysitting her. She seems independent enough as it is at 85. Tell her you are thankful that she came and move on. Who knows, considering she has no money problems and doesn't even need to work, she may just buy you a decent wedding gift!

whitsy · December 2011

It's weird that you think we're getting hopped up on the age when you brought it up in the first place. Andplusalso, you got good advice, which was what I was trying to tell you earlier. You said thanks, ok great. But by your later responses, it seems like you're not listening. Yes, we are saying to invite her. But you are also getting some great responses about how to handle her questions.

I also think that not inviting her is going to cause hella more drama than not inviting her, but that's just me. If you're ready to come back to work on Monday after the wedding and listen to her sobs and pleas for why you didn't invite her, have at it. I'd feel way too guilty.

Kate61487 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:79d67e12-7316-4601-b2b1-faeb06a629f4">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : <strong>Thanks for the advise</strong>. I see your point about networking with older people but there's a difference between networking and socializing.
Posted by luvvtoobeme[/QUOTE]

advise = verb. "Please advise me on this issue" pronounce it like a Z - adv"eyes"
advice = noun. "I could really use some advice" pronounce soft c - adv"ice"

Sorry, it's just like the third time you've misused it and I feel like at some point someone should clue you in.

luvvtoobeme · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:49438627-dccf-4b11-80d7-2a458bd9ab91">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, unlike your username, <strong>I would not love to be you</strong>.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I still do <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />
If you heard whining that wasn't coming from over here.
Have a fantastic day everyone!

SilverLining1 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:4a69dee5-1888-4373-9c84-9baba4cd5809">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong : Just making the point that all of a sudden you're presenting us with information intended to make people "side" with you instead of your co-worker. Just an observation. We're only working with the information you provide. If you didn't provide all the information we need to form an informed opinion, who's fault is that?
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not sure if anyone said this yet, but OP did say that the woman talks behind her back.</div>

kimberlyr22 · December 2011

This is completely after the fact...but,

I work in a very small office (me +3) within a very large company (by office I mean our building is separate from the other 1500 people who work here). Under normal circumstances I would invite only my boss to my wedding, because my relationship with the other two employees in my department is a strictly working relationship. However, because we have worked together for five years in close quarters, I'm inviting both of them. I don't know if they'll come, but I thought it was a nice gesture. My budget is not enormous either, in fact we just cut it in half in order to put more down on our house.

To address the OP's "real" question -- I have about ten women who I do not work directly with, but know through associating with them at work, who ask me on a daily/weekly basis how my planning is coming. This includes some of the cafeteria ladies who ensure I stick to my salad-diet at lunch. I see no issue telling them my plans. We're not close outside of work, and we're not really close inside of work beyond just doing the normal girl chit-chat thing. I don't feel pressure to invite them to the wedding, they don't expect to be invited, it's just a conversation topic.

I don't see how talking about a wedding to someone automatically means they're invited. When you work with people 40 hours a week, conversation that does not revolve around work is going to come up. Otherwise, it's a pretty boring work place. But, as far as I know, answering her questions doesn't automatically qualify her for an invitation. And when she doesn't get one, it seems like you're prepared to handle her reaction to it. The tension right now between the two of you seems pretty high, I can't see her not getting an invitation will make it that much worse.

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

OP: just invite her. Think of the amount of misery and awkwardness you'd be saving yourself from. And she could always kick off before the wedding.

Sydney91 · December 2011

As to the questions at work: "My fiance is handling it and I have very little interest." Should shock her enough to change the subject. (I know a few groomzillas)

missy68 · December 2011

The fall off those big Budweiser workhorses is a long one. Make sure you've got padding around.

cindyn9178 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:287ee291-f516-440d-91fc-5739a4828772">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]This is completely after the fact...but, I work in a very small office (me +3) within a very large company (by office I mean our building is separate from the other 1500 people who work here). Under normal circumstances I would invite only my boss to my wedding, because my relationship with the other two employees in my department is a strictly working relationship. However, because we have worked together for five years in close quarters, I'm inviting both of them. I don't know if they'll come, but I thought it was a nice gesture. My budget is not enormous either, in fact we just cut it in half in order to put more down on our house. To address the OP's "real" question -- I have about ten women who I do not work directly with, but know through associating with them at work, who ask me on a daily/weekly basis how my planning is coming. This includes some of the cafeteria ladies who ensure I stick to my salad-diet at lunch. I see no issue telling them my plans. We're not close outside of work, and we're not really close inside of work beyond just doing the normal girl chit-chat thing. I don't feel pressure to invite them to the wedding, they don't expect to be invited, it's just a conversation topic. I don't see how talking about a wedding to someone automatically means they're invited. When you work with people 40 hours a week, conversation that does not revolve around work is going to come up. Otherwise, it's a pretty boring work place. But, as far as I know, answering her questions doesn't automatically qualify her for an invitation. And when she doesn't get one, it seems like you're prepared to handle her reaction to it. The tension right now between the two of you seems pretty high, I can't see her not getting an invitation will make it that much worse.
Posted by kimberlyr22[/QUOTE]
Finally, someone with some sanity in this thread.

I also don't understand why being 85 years old earns you respect? Being a respectful person earns you respect, not your age. Unless she is her mom, she doesn't have to respect her just because she's older.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

I'm assuming that question was for me? My parents taught me to respect my elders. Wouldn't you give your seat on the bus or subway to an older person? Wouldn't you open the door for an older person?

And don't get all bent out of shape when I say this, but this thread has been quiet for awhile so I really hope you're not going to come into this thread and stir stuff up like you did in the other one.

cindyn9178 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-co-worker-probably-thinks-shes-getting-invite-shes-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d76018a7-25b9-408f-92a6-a334f2fd3dc7Post:a4b8b4ea-9053-4866-9c88-0867f9407b79">Re: This co-worker probably thinks she's getting an invite... She's wrong</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm assuming that question was for me? My parents taught me to respect my elders. Wouldn't you give your seat on the bus or subway to an older person? Wouldn't you open the door for an older person? And don't get all bent out of shape when I say this, but this thread has been quiet for awhile so I really hope you're not going to come into this thread and stir stuff up like you did in the other one.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

Um, I'm sorry, but the last post was 10 minutes before mine. How is that a quiet thread?? I'm not trying to stir anything up, I was simply commenting in a thread that tons of other people had commented in. I didn't know we couldn't comment if nobody has said anything in the last 5 minutes.

I respect anybody who earns my respect and treats me with respect in return, elders are otherwise. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated, and if they don't return it, then they won't get it. Yes of course I would respect my elders if they treat me the same. But if this woman is as disrespectful to her as she claims, then there is absolutely no reason she owes her any respect, and certainly doesn't have to invite her to her wedding just because she is her elder.

redheadfsu · December 2011

Cindy, this is the second drama filled thread you stirred up after it was dead by making comments about how wrong the previous posters are. I assume you posted in the first because of a thread on your local which said we were mean. So making snarky comments in this unrelated thread which was basically dead makes it look like you are just trying to keep the drama going. I'm just explaining why it looks like you need to let it go.

mollyehren · December 2011

Since you obviously are not going to invite her, why don't you just talk to the co-worker you are inviting to let her know not to mention anything about being invited to the wedding at work. Then just tell the older co-worker you want to keep it to family only....then don't say anything at work that conflicts with that story

batfacepattermonth · December 2011

Does the coworker you don't want to invite have to know if you invite the one you do like? Couldn't you just tell her not to talk about it?

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