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Not Engaged Yet
stacybean
member
Living together before marriage
Im really curious on everyones thoughts on living together first. I have read statistics that suggest couples are less likely to get engaged if they move in together first ans that marriages are less likely to last.
I probably contribute to those since I lived with my ex for a year (after dating for about 1.5 years so total 2.5 years together) and we never got engaged (obv).
I'm now dating my current bf who I'm certain is the one. We don't currently live together even though we spend almost every night together. But moving in is something that we have talked about.
So tell me: did you and your BF/FI/husband live together before getting engaged? What are your thoughts?
I probably contribute to those since I lived with my ex for a year (after dating for about 1.5 years so total 2.5 years together) and we never got engaged (obv).
I'm now dating my current bf who I'm certain is the one. We don't currently live together even though we spend almost every night together. But moving in is something that we have talked about.
So tell me: did you and your BF/FI/husband live together before getting engaged? What are your thoughts?
Sent from my iPad - any unusual words or misspellings are due to an autocorrect incident that I may have missed.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Living together before marriage
Best of luck!
My thought would be that by living together, you get to see how both of you would get along for an extended period of time. My boyfriend and I have been talking about it as well.
Also, even if you are or aren't living together, make sure to take some time for youself. My friend and her boyfriend are pretty much inseperable and always fight, but when I'm hanging out with my friend without the boyfriend, she's insanely happy. Everyone needs some time apart sometimes
BF and I are long distance right now but we may move in together after he graduates with his masters. I think we might wait until we're engaged though, but it's a long way off so we have tons of time to figure it out.
Still here and still fabulous!
I don't think that has anything to do with why we aren't engaged yet. We just haven't got around to it yet. It's on the list. We'll get there. But we're ot in a huge hurry.
I think Tiger has a point - I can see how moving in together could be viewed as a "reward" for getting engaged and so the guy proposes sooner to get the "prize".
I'm glad we live together now rather than waiting for engagement. It's good to learn how you'll live together day-to-day. It's good to know how much closet space he needs (a lot, in our case). It's good to know he can be grumpy when he gets home from work but the pup and I can perk him up. It's good to know he's good to me when I'm sick or hurt and vice versa. It's good to know we can manage our finances (which aren't together, so we have to coordinate bill paying, etc for mortgage and utilities). So... I'm all for livin' in sin!
BF and I initially said we wouldn't live together before being engaged (not for religious reasons or anything) but after 4 1/2 years together and no engagement on the horizon- I went ahead and moved in with him. I couldn't wait any longer to live together. I know that just because we're living together before marriage doesn't mean I'm going to be any less ecstatic to be his wife.
I also think if you know someone well enough that you're ready to marry them not living together beforehand isn't going to ruin your marriage.
ETA: I would never consider moving in if I didn't think this was the man I would marry
Short version: Relationships/marriage do not fail because of the status of your habitation prior to marriage. Relationships fail due to lack of communication, unrealistic expectations, actually being incompatible, thinking that love is enough to get you through, etc.
Statistics do not have a bearing on MY marriage. It is MY marriage. It depends on my husband and I.
ETA: We had been living together for about 6 months when we got engaged. However, we had already discussed the big things in life before we moved in together.
[QUOTE]I personally would never get engaged/married to someone I hadn't lived with. I know that a lot of people disagree, especially for religious reasons. But I feel that living with someone better equips me to understand the subtle nuances of him and our relationship, making it more firmly rooted in reality rather than a fantasy of what it might be like, and me more equipped to be an effective communicator and better significant other.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]
This, all of this. From living with him, I can tell you that if we had maintained separate households then came together after engagement or marriage, I would have straight up killed him.
I'm in a similar situation as Beth; I have no plans or real desire to move in with someone before I'm married. I DID consider it at one point with my ex, but whlie we were talking it over we realized that neither of us actually felt it was the best decision for us. Soo we didn't haha. I don't think it's necessary for a relationship.
I moved in with FI after about a year of dating, I think, but I had slowly started living with him unofficially starting probably 5 months in. I think the way we did it worked for us because we gradually worked up to living together full time and we got to learn about each other in the process and learn how to live with each other. I am happy that we have had the experience to live together and get to know each other in that way instead of waiting until marriage, but I don't think that people that wait until marriage are doing it wrong or anything. It's just my personal preference. It depends on the people.
[QUOTE]I typed up a whole long response and TK ate it. Short version: <strong>Relationships/marriage do not fail because of the status of your habitation prior to marriage. Relationships fail due to lack of communication, unrealistic expectations, actually being incompatible, thinking that love is enough to get you through, etc.</strong> Statistics do not have a bearing on MY marriage. It is MY marriage. It depends on my husband and I. ETA: We had been living together for about 6 months when we got engaged. However, we had already discussed the big things in life before we moved in together.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]
This. Especially the bolded part. Also, nothing I've ever read in the bible says you shouldn't live with your significant other before marriage. It says you shouldn't have <em>sex</em> before marriage. Those two things often go hand in hand, but they don't have to. I have no clue about other religions' particular stances on that, so ignore it if it doesn't apply to you.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : This. Especially the bolded part. Also,<strong> nothing I've ever read in the bible says you shouldn't live with your significant other before marriage.</strong> It says you shouldn't have sex before marriage. Those two things often go hand in hand, but they don't have to. I have no clue about other religions' particular stances on that, so ignore it if it doesn't apply to you.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]
Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
Seriously?!
I don't think that she was saying that at all. She was pointing out the fact that the bible does not say anything about cohabitation. She even said to ignore it if this doesn't apply to you. She was NOT telling you what your own religious beliefs are.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Ugh...this sentence bothers me so much. You really don't need to tell people what their own religious beliefs are.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry it came off that way, that's not the way I intended it. I was just saying that nothing I've ever seen suggests that it's wrong.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : Seriously?! I don't think that she was saying that at all. She was pointing out the fact that the bible does not say anything about cohabitation. She even said to ignore it if this doesn't apply to you. She was NOT telling you what your own religious beliefs are.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]
I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
As I said, I didn't intend to dictate other people's beliefs. I'm talking about <em>my </em>personal experience, which doesn't have to be the same as yours.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : As I said, I didn't intend to dictate other people's beliefs. I'm talking about my personal experience, which doesn't have to be the same as yours.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]
That's fine if that's the way you meant it but that's not the way it came off to me.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : That's fine if that's the way you meant it but that's not the way it came off to me.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
You could be an adult here and say "I'm sorry" ...seriously.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Living together before marriage : I really don't care if she told me to ignore it, it rubbed me the wrong way so I'm going to say something about it.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
Just as the way that you attacked her rubbed me the wrong way. <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/15/82b28078-b87a-40cc-9fef-3f643605a183.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>
I also think that it is one thing to disagree with what somone is saying but a whole other thing to just get defensive about it. It seems like this is a personal issue within yourself and not with Caitlin.
And what the Bible states and what different religions believe can be two different things. Caitlin didn't say anything about a particular religion. She stated a fact about contents within the Bible. If you disagree with those facts, then that is one thing but to just say that what she typed 'bothers you so much' is ridiculous.
ANYWAY. Back to thread topic.
IMHO, I don't think statistics (read:sadistics) really have much bearing on whether or not a couple stays together or not having lived together. What does, however, is the attitude a couple has going in. Some people (not all!) might move in with the attitude, "We'll see IF we can live together. IF we can live together and IF we don't kill each other, then we'll get married." Essentially, you move in with the idea that you're okay to move out.
In my opinion (and this is only really true for myself and some other people, not all), one foot in is the same as one foot out. I think if you move in with someone to "test drive" your relationship, then it can be a lot harder to switch into the mentality of "we're going to stick this out, thick or thin."
That's not to say that everyone who moved in this way has that same problem, but that's my suspicion as to why some couples who co-habitate before marriage end up divorcing.
I'm moving in with my BF in two and a half weeks. When I decided to do so, I made the decision to stick it out with him through thick and thin. If he decides he no longer wants me, then that'll be one thing, but me? I am in it for life, baby!
"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden
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