getting married on the DL?

[Deleted User] · May 2011

Wow, so a liar and a thief. Awesome.

baystateapple · May 2011

Oh yeah, also, OP? I work for a Catholic church. Pastors make you do the whole pre-cana (premarital counseling) and PMI. A pastor will find out if you are already married. And they won't "remarry" you if they find out you are a liar to your friends and family.

And as for stealing the internet...pretty sure Catholic priests frown upon that too.

jrkjpf · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. <strong>If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it.</strong> I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

I missed this part. So in otherwords, if you are not Greek, or were not in a sorority, then you don't understand the concept of a "secret". A living and breathing human is just that. Doesn't matter if you are Greek, German, English or Pig Latin. But you aren't German, so you wouldn't understand.

thesequel · May 2011

This happened to a close friend of mine. Her sister got married a year ago so that her (now) husband could apply for citizenship. They just told everyone that they were engaged. They got married in a small courthouse. Her father offered to help pay for the wedding (when he thought that they were engaged). Somehow it came out that they had actually gotten married. My friend was incredibly hurt and her dad was so mad that he told her that she was married...so he wasnt going to be paying for a "dress-up" day. Do you really want to be hurting your family and friends?

I don't know about insurance rates in the States, but the PP have given you some great advice.

Don't get upset because your ideas aren't being validated....

pgcp · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. <strong>If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it.</strong> I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

Seriously? People who aren't a part of the Greek system don't know how to keep a secret? That may be the dumbest thing I've heard in a while.

Lying to friends and family is a terrible idea. As a good Catholic you should know that it is not just a bad idea, but a sin. Asking a friend to lie for you is also a sin.

lyndausvi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:4f2c566e-02bc-4d2e-a0a2-301a41b42cd0">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]And what if something serious happens and you have to use your new H's insurance? How will you explain that to everyone while pretending you're not married?
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

<div>God forbid something happens to either one of them. As the spouse they get to make the choices not the parents. I would not want that kind of information found out in a time of crisis.</div>

pantherRN · May 2011

I'm Greek, would do anything for my sisters, and I still don't get it either.

sarah0725 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:7efa54da-4393-4e9e-91dd-9bfc581dc060">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : 1. The state considers a real marriage as one that is legal, as in you signed the paperwork and swore before an officer of the court, so yes, you would really be married. A church wedding does not make it real, the legal paperwork does. 2. You won't know unless you ask. I can't believe your parents would rather have you get married to get insurance than let you go without. <strong>3. Please tell me you are not stealing internet service from your neighbors, because that is what I am getting out of that comment.</strong> BTW, If you were looking for validation for your bad idea you definitely came to the wrong forum. Please take what we have all said to heart, especially those of us who have dealt with situations like this. When people find out, and they will one way or another, they will be hurt and mad. Continue looking for insurance somewhere else. Have your FI ask at work, because if you live together you may still be able to on his insurance even without getting married first.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

Really? You've never, ever taken advantage of somebody's unsecured wireless router? That really isn't stealing, because if the person didn't want other people to use it, they would password protect it. Setting up password protection is not hard.

Folks, if you have a wireless network, and it doesn't have a password, your neighbors are using it. I promise.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

You can defend and explain all you want, OP, but you're not going to convince anyone on the E forum that you're not being dishonest.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

And Joy wasn't judging your priorities - she was comparing costs of a necessary expense vs. a less necessary expense.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Also, how does your friend really feel about you lying to family and friends? I know my best friend would smack me upside the head, tell me I'm being crazy and then convince me to not do it. Because she wouldn't want to lie for a year to my family whom she is close to.

lyndausvi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:7e385e76-2fd4-44fe-b92a-9c412061a407">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : Really? You've never, ever taken advantage of somebody's unsecured wireless router? That really isn't stealing, because if the person didn't want other people to use it, they would password protect it. Setting up password protection is not hard. Folks, if you have a wireless network, and it doesn't have a password, your neighbors are using it. I promise.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with you.</div><div>
</div><div>BUT she is pulling the whole Catholic card, yet at the same breaking some of the 10 Commandments like 'thou shall not steal'. She certainly is not Honoring her parents either.</div>

ggirl2001 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:abcbb8a7-1804-4dca-a2da-6d79e98930ba">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : I agree with you. BUT she is pulling the whole Catholic card, yet at the same breaking some of the 10 Commandments like 'thou shall not steal'. She certainly is not Honoring her parents either.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
THIS EXACTLY. I hate when people do this. Please don't bring up being Catholic and needing a Catholic wedding and then talk about lying to family and friends. It's hypocritical. I am admittedly not the best Catholic but I don't also use it to get what I want.

SoonToBeMrsH0309 · May 2011

I wasen't looking for validation from everyone. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else had done the same thing. The best advise I got from all of this was to see if we can do a early add on on his insurance. His insurance is not very expensive. Hes got a good job and his empolyer picks up a big chunk of the cost.
I didn't mean to offend anyone by the church wedding verse secular comment. I don't think non church weddings are any less valid then other weddings. That is just how I was raised and that is what is acceptable in my family.

and no, I am not stealing internet. They know I am using it. They even gave me their password for their router.

laurenpm · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:2759c683-30ba-4ba1-96de-7b81f77968c8">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, how does your friend really feel about you lying to family and friends? I know my best friend would smack me upside the head, tell me I'm being crazy and then convince me to not do it. Because she wouldn't want to lie for a year to my family whom she is close to.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Ditto this. Even if it was my sorority sister doing this (See I'm Greek, so I do understand) I would tell her she was an idiot and there's no way I would go along with it. And really it's extremely inconsiderate for you to ask her to hold the burden of your secret. You are asking her to lie for you and that's not being a very good sorority sister.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Why not just tell your family and do a vow renewal later? Why would that be such a bad thing? No one is saying not to do that. We're saying don't lie to your loved ones.

sarah0725 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:abcbb8a7-1804-4dca-a2da-6d79e98930ba">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : I agree with you. BUT she is pulling the whole Catholic card, yet at the same breaking some of the 10 Commandments like 'thou shall not steal'. She certainly is not Honoring her parents either.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but there's plenty to address here without everybody getting all hoity-toity about internet usage. Benedict is not going to excommunicate her for taking advantage of the unsecured wireless signal that her neighbors are pumping through her apartment. She's certainly not breaking a commandment there.

Habs2Hart · May 2011

Either way you spin it, you are lying to your friends and family.

There is nothing right about that. Under any circumstances at all.

waltzingmatilda13 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:7e385e76-2fd4-44fe-b92a-9c412061a407">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : Really? You've never, ever taken advantage of somebody's unsecured wireless router? That really isn't stealing, because if the person didn't want other people to use it, they would password protect it. Setting up password protection is not hard. Folks, if you have a wireless network, and it doesn't have a password, your neighbors are using it. I promise.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have honestly never used someone's unsecured wireless router. I've always had my own and thus no need or desire* to steal it. I've seen them when I've searched for my own and just rolled my eyes at people's stupidity. Mine is secured because I've seen stories where people steal and actually use it to download child porn and guess who's account it shows up on? The owner's. </div><div>
</div><div>*edited

</div>

lyndausvi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:1a09949e-113e-4e66-a250-0ef71ee97fc4">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasen't looking for validation from everyone. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else had done the same thing. The best advise I got from all of this was to see if we can do a early add on on his insurance.<strong> His insurance is not very expensive. Hes got a good job and his empolyer picks up a big chunk of the cost.</strong> I didn't mean to offend anyone by the church wedding verse secular comment. I don't think non church weddings are any less valid then other weddings. That is just how I was raised and that is what is acceptable in my family. and no, I am not stealing internet. They know I am using it. They even gave me their password for their router.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

<div>Just double check. My company picks up 100% of <strong>my</strong> insurance, but if I add someone to the policy it's $104 per paycheck. That is $2700 per year. If I had to pay that kind of money anyway, I would rather just get my own policy (with help from FI) and not have to live with a lie.</div>

sarah0725 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:1a09949e-113e-4e66-a250-0ef71ee97fc4">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasen't looking for validation from everyone. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else had done the same thing. The best advise I got from all of this was to see if we can do a early add on on his insurance. His insurance is not very expensive. Hes got a good job and his empolyer picks up a big chunk of the cost. I didn't mean to offend anyone by the church wedding verse secular comment. I don't think non church weddings are any less valid then other weddings. That is just how I was raised and that is what is acceptable in my family. and no, I am not stealing internet. They know I am using it. They even gave me their password for their router.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

And look into domestic partnership stuff. Vermont tends to be pretty liberal about marriages and partnerships, and I wouldn't be surprised if they've invented some sort of legal situation to cover health insurance.

Meg1036 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly.<strong> We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church.</strong> A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

OP, there are other problems with your plan from a Catholic perspective. Yes, the Catholic church requires that Catholics get married in the church. But they consider all civil marriages valid for the purposes of determining whether or not a person is single and eligible to be married. A priest will not marry you if you are already civilly married. For Catholics married outside of the church, you can have a convalidation of your civil ceremony (to put you back in the graces of the church), but not a wedding mass. Most priests will not allow a convalidation ceremony to have all the "bells and whistles" of a true wedding ceremony. Most often this means no dress, no wedding party, etc.

What I am trying to say is that if getting married in the church is important to you (and it sounds like it is), you are probably giving that up if you pursue this plan, and you are almost definitely giving up having a large church ceremony and a big white dress. I'm not the most knowledgable to talk about it, but the ladies on the Catholic Wedding board (link under the Special Topic Wedding Boards at right) could give you a lot of insight.

baystateapple · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:1a09949e-113e-4e66-a250-0ef71ee97fc4">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasen't looking for validation from everyone. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else had done the same thing. The best advise I got from all of this was to see if we can do a early add on on his insurance. His insurance is not very expensive. Hes got a good job and his empolyer picks up a big chunk of the cost. I didn't mean to offend anyone by the church wedding verse secular comment. I don't think non church weddings are any less valid then other weddings. That is just how I was raised and that is what is acceptable in my family. and no, I am not stealing internet. They know I am using it. They even gave me their password for their router.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

Nobody was telling you that you can't JOP it and then do a vow renewal. What everyone was saying was that it's wrong to lie to your friends and family. You keep stressing how much it would bother them for you to not have a Catholic wedding, how they wouldn't view it as a marriage. But you're not seeing our POV, that it's just <em>wrong</em> to lie to your friends and family about being married. It doesn't matter if your family doesn't see it as a real marriage, or if that was "how you were raised." That doesn't make it right.

SoonToBeMrsH0309 · May 2011

I am not making a blanket statement about all catholics everywhere....I am talking about MY parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles ect...... We would be shunned if we didn't get married in a church...not by the church, but by my family.

Wiscisbliss · May 2011

Have you looked into Catastrophic insurance? It doesn't pay for thing like prescriptions, or strepthroat tests, but it would pay for breaking an arm or hospital stay. It is a less expensive option and a good choice for people who are healthy and not on expensive medications (my brother gets this when he is in the US for a month or two at a time). This type of plan wouldn't cover BC... but I'm sure since you are Catholic and won't be married in the church for some time, it's a moot point since you obviously would not be on BC.

Meg1036 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:296175a7-f538-4da8-81fa-6ddd0736c8e9">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : OP, there are other problems with your plan from a Catholic perspective. Yes, the Catholic church requires that Catholics get married in the church. But they consider all civil marriages valid for the purposes of determining whether or not a person is single and eligible to be married. A priest will not marry you if you are already civilly married. For Catholics married outside of the church, you can have a convalidation of your civil ceremony (to put you back in the graces of the church), but not a wedding mass. Most priests will not allow a convalidation ceremony to have all the "bells and whistles" of a true wedding ceremony. Most often this means no dress, no wedding party, etc. What I am trying to say is that if getting married in the church is important to you (and it sounds like it is), you are probably giving that up if you pursue this plan, and you are almost definitely giving up having a large church ceremony and a big white dress. I'm not the most knowledgable to talk about it, but the ladies on the Catholic Wedding board (link under the Special Topic Wedding Boards at <strong>left</strong>) could give you a lot of insight.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

Edit: by right, I meant left.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:2ecdba91-35d2-4db1-b99b-69e470b37b1f">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not making a blanket statement about all catholics everywhere....I am talking about MY parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles ect...... We would be shunned if we didn't get married in a church...not by the church, but by my family.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

But they will appreciate being lied to? That makes sense.

baystateapple · May 2011

Meg, you are partially right, but it really depends on the priest. I have known a couple of priests in my time working for the church (have had a few different bosses) and some priests just think that it is better to let someone have a full-fledged fake wedding for their convalidation, so long as they're getting their marriage blessed and are coming back to the church. Because in their eyes, the couple was never really "married" in the Catholic sense.

BUT. I know they pretty much universally frown on lying about it.

Habs2Hart · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:2ecdba91-35d2-4db1-b99b-69e470b37b1f">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not making a blanket statement about all catholics everywhere....I am talking about MY parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles ect...... We would be shunned if we didn't get married in a church...not by the church, but by my family.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

You don't think you'd be shunned by your family for LYING to them for a year about already being married?

Please read the above posts about getting "Married" in a church when you're already legally married. It won't happen.

Stackeye210 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:1a09949e-113e-4e66-a250-0ef71ee97fc4">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasen't looking for validation from everyone. I mainly wanted to see if anyone else had done the same thing. The best advise I got from all of this was to see if we can do a early add on on his insurance. His insurance is not very expensive. Hes got a good job and his empolyer picks up a big chunk of the cost. I didn't mean to offend anyone by the church wedding verse secular comment.<strong> I don't think non church weddings are any less valid then other weddings</strong>. That is just how I was raised and that is what is acceptable in my family. and no, I am not stealing internet. They know I am using it. They even gave me their password for their router.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

Now you're lying (again, you must like lying to people). You JUST said in your post before this that you don't consider what you'd be doing a real wedding. So yes, you do see them as not valid.

What you're doing is WRONG. It's bad etiquette. But what's dark, always comes to light. The truth will always come out, and you're going to look like a big idiot when it does.

Have fun with that.

getting married on the DL?

Re: getting married on the DL?

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