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Wedding Etiquette Forum
inkfingers
member
Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference
I'm 19 years old and my husband-to-be is fifteen years older than me. We discovered our age difference after the tenth date and, since it didn't bother us, decided to continue to develop our relationship. Both our families are supportive (even my dad) and there is no question that we love eachother very much and that we'll have a wonderful, lasting marriage.
Unfortunately, many people feel it's ok to make rude comments if they don't know us very well. Some call me "gold-digger" or call him "cradle-robber" or simply insult my youth, his age, or try to talk me out of the engagement! The comments don't bother me as much anymore, but I am always caught off guard by his/her rudeness. I don't know what to say to them because I don't want to respond unkindly. Does anyone know a polite way to respond?
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Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference
Planning Bio with For Sale
I mean, if that's the choice you're making and you're confident in it, then why let it bother you?
Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.
The Margarita Evolution
Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.
The Margarita Evolution
I do think that you're both nuts.
19 $ 34?
sheesh
But all that aside, in general it is said that the only thing worse than a social faux pas is actually pointing that faux pas out to the one in error. Basically you just need to grit your teeth and move on to other subjects. People are going to have opinions on such an age difference. They just are. So best just accept that and do your best to prove them wrong.
[QUOTE]If you were my friend, I'd be trying to talk you out of it, too, to be honest. So, I'm afraid I'm not much help.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
Yeah. I had a close friend who married a man in his fourties when she was 21. They are divorced now. I think people are concerned for you. I'm sure your FI is a nice guy, but hes done a lot more living then you have. Your friends, and family don't want you to make a mistake. I am not saying you are making a mistake! Your FI might be the one for you, but most people won't get beyond the numbers. So, this is what I would do.
For a close family member/friend (someone who actually cares about you) say, "I understand your concern, but I love this man with all of my heart, and the age difference dosen't matter to me." Then change the subject. For someone who is not a close family or friend I would not even acknowledge that they said anything, and change the subject. You don't owe these rude people an explanation.
[QUOTE]Change the subject? Honestly I 'judge' your relationship also. It's not even the 15 year difference. If you were 30 and he was 45 I wouldn't even think twice about it. 19 vs 34...yeah I kind of give a side-eye to.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<div>Ditto this. I don't have very much in common with 19 year olds, and I'm only 27. I can only imagine that in another 7 years I'll have absolutely nothing in common at all. So if I was friends with either of you I would be trying to talk you out of it. I'd be trying to talk my 19 year old friend out of getting married regardless of age.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly though, how does your age not come up until the 10th date? I can only assume that you both weren't bringing it up because you wanted him to think you were older and he wanted you to think he was younger. Obviously none of these dates were to happy hours or bars.</div>
[QUOTE]I'm 19 years old and my husband-to-be is fifteen years older than me. We discovered our age difference after the tenth date and, since it didn't bother us, decided to continue to develop our relationship. Both our families are supportive (even my dad) and there is no question that we love eachother very much and that we'll have a wonderful, lasting marriage. Unfortunately, many people feel it's ok to make rude comments if they don't know us very well. Some call me "gold-digger" or call him "cradle-robber" or simply insult my youth, his age, or try to talk me out of the engagement! The comments don't bother me as much anymore, but I am always caught off guard by his/her rudeness. I don't know what to say to them because I don't want to respond unkindly. Does anyone know a polite way to respond?
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : <strong>Ditto this. I don't have very much in common with 19 year olds, and I'm only 27. I can only imagine that in another 7 years I'll have absolutely nothing in common at all. So if I was friends with either of you I would be trying to talk you out of it. I'd be trying to talk my 19 year old friend out of getting married regardless of age. Honestly though, how does your age not come up until the 10th date? I can only assume that you both weren't bringing it up because you wanted him to think you were older and he wanted you to think he was younger. Obviously none of these dates were to happy hours or bars.
</strong>Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Ditto every word of this. Especially the bolded words.
Nose Job Blog
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
Sorry, I can't respect this situation at all. WTF are your parents thinking?
[QUOTE]It doesn't bother me, I just need a way to respond in such a way that tells them that I don't appreciate their rude behavior, but is still polite on my part
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
It must bother you or you wouldn't be asking for advice.
If I were your friend, I would be concerned. COllege age is such a time of learning and growing as an individual and who you are as a person isn't established yet. There is a world of difference between 19 and 35 both in experience and maturity (and FTR, I'm not saying you're immature). Are you 150% sure that you want to commit to an "old man" {I can say that b/c I'm 37 ;-)} for the rest of your life? Think in terms of ages. When you're 35 he'll be 50. When you're 50, he'll be 65. When you're 65, he'll be 80 (and probably changing his Depends). I'm sure your friends are just genuinely concerned that you know what you're getting into.
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
I think deep down you know you are making a mistake, and that is why you are so sensitive to anyone telling you its a bad idea.
or
That you have been through so much that you're wise beyond your years
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
<div>No, but I think everyone that has posted on this thread is well over 19, and can speak from experience. You probably aren't looking at the big picture, just thinking about how much you love him and want to be with him. </div><div>
</div><div>What about kids? At 34 he is probably ready to start a family. That would seriously affect you being able to go to/finish college in a timely manner.</div><div>
</div><div>Vacations? All your friends are going to Cancun and Cabo and his friends want to go to Sandals. </div><div>
</div><div>Work functions? Hope they aren't in a bar or happy hour. </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, I could go on and on. </div>
"So I sing a song of love, Julia"
06.10.10
BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
Now I get it.
[QUOTE]LDS? Now I get it.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
This chick immediately came to mind.
<a href="http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/obeying-6-rule.html" rel='nofollow'>http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/obeying-6-rule.html</a>
<a href="http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/engagement-pictures.html" rel='nofollow'>http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/engagement-pictures.html</a>
Nose Job Blog
[QUOTE]To Drama Geek: In response to your question, we've been dating 8 months. I find it really sad that I'm seeking etiquette advice and most of you are seriously breaking every universal form of etiquette I can think of. <strong>I'd rather marry a healthy, nice man twice my age than a fat, abusive guy my age who could die from a heart-attack tomorrow by eating at McDonalds and drinking.</strong> If you have nothing nice to say, please don't post. I've dated people like that before and I am so grateful I've found a man who isn't like that. All I want is a kind way to respond. I'm sorry if you've had a bad marriage, bad experiance, or if you think I'm too young. I don't expect your approval or anyone else's-- I just want to know what I can say to let people know it is NOT their place to disapprove.
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
In your "experiance," are all the 19 year old men in the entire world obese, abusive drunks?
Nose Job Blog
Rude people can be called out on it: "I don't appreciate you calling me/my fiance names so please refrain from doing so." If they don't stop, don't talk to them anymore.
For people whose opinion you care about or you think they really care about you: You can try to explain that you've made your decision and it's not up for discussion or you can change the subject as PP suggested.
BTW, I don't think anyone on here was rude, they're just expressing surprise and concern at such a large age difference at such a young age (for you). I think 19 is young to get married anyway and adding the age difference makes it even more concerning. You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone, but realize that these concerns aren't frivolous or people just being judgmental for the sake of being judgmental.
You know, there is eight years difference between FI and I (I'm 25, and hes 33) There are times when he says something, or makes a pop culture reference, and I totally don't get it.
Also, think of it this way. In some states just a year ago if he had touched you it would have been considered statutory rape. I kind of regret being so nicey-nice earlier. There is something awfully strange about not knowing someone's age until the 10th date.