Venting about FI

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

Marriage counseling is not scary. Unless the counselor is like, Satan or Hosni Mubarek or something.

DodgersBride · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:e1258b41-2b02-46c1-b1e0-6db388e008ca">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Yeah, I don't really find jeans that comfortable either. And my H never wore jeans at all until he graduated law school. It was only khakis before then.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

I think a lot of it has to do with attending private school all his life so jeans were never an option. He had to wear dockers and polos so it just kind of stood with him. For work he has to dress up a lot more. Our dry cleaning bill can be ridiculous sometimes.

santana9505 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:1237618c-4a25-4676-a814-fdd91eee2d75">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Same with my mine, this thread is making me so thankful
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

I'm sure it is.

santana9505 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:1237618c-4a25-4676-a814-fdd91eee2d75">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Same with my mine, this thread is making me so thankful
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

I'm sure it is.

Birdie1483 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0a78e08b-6465-41b1-8b8e-09fee04da93c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Her point, I think, wasn't that black jeans are inherently bad
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Hah, no I think that WAS her point :)

lbarr088 · December 2011

I think this whole thing is like beating a dead horse. There are issues that you need to work on. I don't care if it's 80/20 50/50 75/25 ... or whatever. Go work on yourselves and save eachother from a future of bitterness and misunderstandings. Yikes, what more can anyone say that hasn't been posted?

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:6719251f-b853-4d96-9ff7-8ae94d4d3243">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not against counseling at all. Scared a little, maybe, yes.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Being scared is a piss poor reason not to do it.

Why are you scared? Are you scared that you'll realize you guys shouldn't be together? That's the only thing I can think of. And it's way better to find out now than later.

Look, we only know what you tell us. But every clarification you make screams bad news to me. Maybe you're not expressing yourself well. That's fine. It happens.

Only you guys know what's best for your relationship, but if 30 people on the internet are telling you to take a closer look, maybe you should. That doesn't mean you need to run right out and leave him. But you yourself acknowledged communication problems, and I don't understand why you wouldn't want to work on that. Working to overcome obstacles TOGETHER does nothing but make your bond stronger. Or you realize you can't work together, and that's ok too. But it's still better to find out now than later. In the worst case scenario, calling off a wedding is cheaper and easier (though still not easy, of course) than a divorce. And that's the WORST CASE SCENARIO. There are tons of other ways it could shake out.

But one thing is for sure. Unless you guys do something to change things, nothing will change. If you're fine with that, let him wear his jeans to his wedding and have a blast. But it doesn't sound like you're fine with it.

santana9505 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:5227fb58-b475-468d-b249-a1276e531aa0">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : And you don't think that's a problem?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

It's a huge problem. I just got hit by the Get a Clue Cab halfway through this thread.

santana9505 · December 2011

Thank you J&K. You are very wise.

mica178 · December 2011

I think everyone in the world would benefit from counseling from time to time. The time leading up to your marriage is stressful, but it's also an important time in your development as a couple. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try it out.

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:3d696ef7-60ba-45d9-b17d-edd74a514602">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Like horoscopes? They write just enough so that you say "THAT'S ME!! WOW!" but it could apply to almost anyone? And how it's only like 40 questions long?
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

Haha, I just don't think they're very reliable or valid and...well, yes that too. :-p BUT I will concede that it's a great tool to open discussion and foster communication. Just not the end all be all! When it's used as a tool with people that are open to it, it's great. But it's mis-used a lot. Doesn't sound like yours was, which is great! Ok, I'm totally done now. DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

santana9505 · December 2011

And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?

jemmini6 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:57b851cd-097e-4876-8f7d-789183f1be17">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]We're not marrying in a church so our religion/ etc. doesn't require it. I appreciate all of the feedback I'm getting, though. And no replies are offending me. Our marriage might look like a "failure" from the outside, but I'd beg to disagree. <strong>We may have to work on things like communication (obviously) but we're good for one another in many different aspects.</strong>
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

You can have a multi-million dollar house built on a crappy foundation and one shift can cause the whole thing to come crashing down. Communication is literally the foundation of every type of relationship, but especially marriage, so even if your relationship is perfect in every other aspect, doesn't mean that it'll be a healthy one.

Since you admit that this aspect of your relationship needs work, and you also admit that he shuts down when you try to actually communicate anything, I think getting professional help would be beneficial to you. It doesn't mean your relationship is a failure, it just means you want to work out any issues that could cause it to fail in the future. To keep with the whole 'house' example, if you had a crack in your foundation, would you try to DIY fix it when neither of you know how to, or would you call out an engineer to make sure it's done right?

lyndausvi · December 2011

I've seen my DH in a suit/tux TWICE and one of those time was NOT our wedding.

The last time was 2 weeks ago at a black-tie affair. He bittched ALL.NIGHT.LONG about having to wear a suit jacket and tie (mind you it was an event for him, not me).

Now this is a guy who wears a chef jacket all day, 6 days a week. His non-work clothes are always nice high-end button down shirts and un-stained jeans, pants (causal) or shorts (depends on the time of year).

For the life of me I can not figure out why the boy freaks the f'out over a suit coat and dress pants. It makes no sense as his normal clothes are really only a 'step' down from wearing a suit. But man it's one of those things he digs his heels over.

If I had a event than required him to wear a suit I'm sure he would have to work that night. Which would be fine with me, I would rather him not there than there bitching the whole time.

I have no advice, but understand your frustration.

kalpi108 · December 2011

I cannot relate to this ish. At. All. FI wears casual clothes to work, jeans and a hipstery tshirt but he's in advertising, but boy does he love dressing up. We go on dinner dates to nicer places randomly just so we can get dolled up. He is also crazy about his suits and is in disbelief when a guy on TV wears an ill fitting suit and will often comment if he sees a suit he'd wear. It's silly but cracks me up. Anyway, as ridiculous and childish as I think OP's FI is about dressing decently for a few hours, clothes are clearly not the issue here. You took on all his favorite things and he doesn't care to do something like dress up once in a while because it would make you happy. And the mom issue? OP, aren't you the one that posted like 5 times about FMIL hating your wedding dress and saying she "knows his taste better?" Well at the time she was portrayed as the only bad guy in the situation but it's clear why she feels so much more in the know about him than you. He acts like a child, gets away with it, goes to his mommy when he prefers her to you, and you guys don't communicate and you don't want to seek help. Marriage is going to be hard if these things don't change.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:50405f47-e9ac-416a-8c29-e3f66845a78c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Ben went willingly and he really enjoyed it.

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:abc5c72b-5403-454b-a872-9a08e9c9d3bb">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you J&K. You are very wise.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

I know I'm being hard on you. It's because I see you where we were a couple years ago. You DON'T have to live with being upset about the way he dresses, etc. Little things like that are hiding bigger issues. Things can get better, or if they don't, then you can make things better for YOU.

I know it's scary, I know it's hard. I didn't like thinking about the alternatives when we were having our rough patch. I cried a lot. I was angry a lot. I thought the worst, I thought the best, and got mad at myself for both. But PLEASE do something to take control of your own situation and make yourself happy.

Good luck, and I hope things turn out for the best, whatever the best may be.

Or, I could be totally wrong and this could absolutely 100% be about nothing other than the way he dresses. In that case, it's probably jsut something you need to let go. Only you know which it is.

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:fd5ef42a-b619-4c05-b1e6-2834f1f482ef">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]I think everyone in the world would benefit from counseling from time to time. The time leading up to your marriage is stressful, but it's also an important time in your development as a couple. It wouldn't be a bad idea to try it out.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]
OKay, I think I read all the pages and so far this is my favorite comment.

Everyone needs someone objective to talk to at some point in their life.

You need to decide why it is exactly that you're afraid. Are you afraid you're going to hear something you dont' want to hear?

I know that's why my friend is afraid to go to MC. And her husband refuses to go because he doesn't believe in "airing dirty laundry to strangers." It's all very facepalmable. My point is, everyone has an excuse not to go. But none of those are good excuses.

You're scared? Go anyway. We got your back.

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:50405f47-e9ac-416a-8c29-e3f66845a78c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

FI isn't wild about it, but he is willing to go...not to mention it will save us $40 on the marriage license so there is an incentive.

Matty143 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0699ef02-4760-4a44-8fa1-1e5d65d1a3fc">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : Welp..sorry but I thought the whole big picture is all about compromise. I'm trying my best, but I'm just not getting the 50/50 back from him. And because the shiitt aint' right that's why<strong> I came here to see what everyone else would do. So far I've gotten marriage counseling our get rid of his ass</strong>.
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

This is outta control. I'm sorry, but this wedding is going to look ridiculous with you in a ball gown and he in his camo vest.
And sorry, but those are your options.. well, those and divorce after another year of his shiit. Take your pick.

J&K10910 · December 2011

santana, FI didn't really want to go, and wouldn't have suggested it, but when I told him why I wanted to go (I said it was to work on building a stronger foundation and making us both happier in the long run) and that it was important to me, he agreed to try a couple sessions, and then re-evaluate.

He ended up being really happy we did it. He was scared that it would be me and the therapist against him. I heard him out on that, and I told him if it would make him feel better, he could pick the therapist and make the appointment, or anything else that would make him more comfortable with it.

If he would have refused, or made it into a joke, I would have been done.

J&K10910 · December 2011

And now, I've put way more about myself out there on the internet than I think I ever have. Except for one time, but that was a long time ago. I'm mildly uncomfortable about it...but I hope it helps someone.

Simply Fated · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:50405f47-e9ac-416a-8c29-e3f66845a78c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]
If you can't get him to go with you, try going by yourself at first.

J&K10910 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:cdc6aef9-8d4b-43e3-aa19-b3b88c8c210c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Venting about FI : If you can't get him to go with you, try going by yourself at first.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This is another really, really good suggestion. Definitely do this if he doesn't want to go.

santana9505 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:0d7aa280-9aa6-404f-a465-e37511b94214">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And now, I've put way more about myself out there on the internet than I think I ever have. Except for one time, but that was a long time ago. I'm mildly uncomfortable about it...but I hope it helps someone.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Seriously...Thanks for putting all of this on here. Particularly this thread since it's given me an open mind.

Thank you.

redheadfsu · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:50405f47-e9ac-416a-8c29-e3f66845a78c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

Say...

I really think our relationship would benefit with some pre-marital counseling. I want our marriage to last, so I think having an independent third party to talk about our future and how we solve problems would be very beneficial.

If he still says no...

Honey, we have some communication issues and we really need to work on them. For me to feel comfortable saying "I do" we really need to seek counseling.

If he says no then, well you have your answer that he won't work your issues out. Personally, I would walk away then.

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b8c084e-59d3-49d6-89df-094a35fad14bPost:50405f47-e9ac-416a-8c29-e3f66845a78c">Re: Venting about FI</a>:
[QUOTE]And convincing FI to go to pre marrital counseling? Have any of you (particularly J&K) pulled H's teeth to go to these sessions?
Posted by santana9505[/QUOTE]

"FI, we need to go to pre-marital counseling, and I will not marry you until you agree to this. If we are not in counseling within X period of time, I will call off our wedding and leave."

He'll either man up and go with you, or he'll dig in his heels like a stubborn child and lose you. Either way, you'll be in a better position than you are now.

santana9505 · December 2011

Nothing like getting to the point, StephBean.

Kate61487 · December 2011

I'm still trying to catch up here, so I apologize if this has been said a dozen times. OP - I agree that marriage counseling is likely your best bet, but I honestly can't tell how much you've tried to talk this through, so I'm gonna give you some tips on that.

1) pick a time where neither of you is super stressed (not after a long day at work, for example)
2) remove all distractions. No TV, no laptops, etc.
3) calmly explain to your FI that you want to talk to him sincerely about something, and that you need him to listen. Tell him that you will openly listen to him and his feelings also (and mean it)
4) don't pick on a particular event, especially not an upcoming one (i.e. Bill and Suzie's party is tomorrow and I want you to dress nicer). I'm guessing most of your 'conversations' about this up to this point have been you nagging him about a specific upcoming event, and that's why he shuts it down and changes the subject.
5) focus on the bigger issues. You feel like you compromise way more on what you want. You feel like he's disrespecting you by not dressing appropriately for a work function. etc. Don't make it about the wedding unless/until you get some common ground under you.
6) don't air every single greivance you have in this one sitting. Pick something and focus on getting to the bottom of it
7) give him an open opportunity to air a greivance as well. This works for H and me. When I need to tell him that it's driving me NUTs that he won't take the garbage out unless I ask him I also ask him if there's something I can imrove on.

Good luck.

jemmini6 · December 2011

Santana - I just wanted to add that I'm glad posting this might help your relationship. I know you got a lot of tough love in here and you seem like a really level-headed person to have actually taken this advice to heart and not get offended by it. I truly wish you the best of luck in working on your communication! Keep us updated!

Venting about FI

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