Wedding Party

MOH

So i know that most of you say not to ask people to be in your bridal party untill like 9 months before the wedding. However that seems odd to me but it could be bc i already knew who i wanted in my bp. So my Fi pretty much lets me do whatever i want when it comes to planning our wedding. Knowing this my MOH whom is my best friend has been helping me out with looking for locations, even though im not getting married for a yr places book fast. So we went and looked at a few places and two were booked one wasnt all three places were really nice. But my MOH really  liked one of the places that was booked and told the manager of the place that i would change my date. Which i said i most likely wouldnt but was willing to hear him out anyways. Now the Church i want to get married in without seeing the inside yet, she tells me i cant get married in bc i have to be a member. Im very willing to become a member permitted i like the inside of the church which im going to sunday. She then continues to tell me that if i dont get a move on it then i'm going to have to change my date. I love her dearly but she stresses me out more so than i already am. Also we we went to look at dresses for her and the one she liked i didnt like at all. However i said try it on maybe it looks different on than on the hanger. I'm not having all my girls wear the same dresses, i just asked that they are black and that i approve of them first. Her knowing this said well im buying it so i don't care if you like it or not its not all about you. I think im being pretty laid back by letting them pick their dresses as long as they are black and i like them as well. Her acting like this almost makes me want to have everybody wear the same dress and i dont really want to include her in the planning bc shes kinda controlling. Now i may be looking at this all wrong but my FI and I picked the date because its already our annivesary and we dont plan on changing it. But my MOH texts me and says your not gonna have a very good wedding if you dont get a move on it. I just booked my dj and im discussing pricing with several different places and my parents. Not to mention she told my cousin whom shes friends with that i was getting married before i even had the chance too. 
Which is another issue i have is my one sister has told my whole family including my other sisters that i was engaged before i had the chance to tell them. And wants complete control over everything wedding related. I understand that shes super excited about it but she shows me ideas she has and things she likes and if i dont like them she gets very upset at me. Not to mention she has been inviting her friends already. Im still working on my guest list granted i have a yr but i like to have most things done ahead of time. And being on a budget its really hard with her just randomly inviting all of her friends as well. Which i told her no unless shes paying for since most places charge by person. I have talked to my parents about it and they think i should let her have who she wants there bc i know them too and its just not very nice of me. However my parents arent paying for my wedding either granted they said they would pay $700 to whatever i would like it to go towards but the bulk of everything is being paid for by me and my FI. So i'm more just venting but if anybody has any suggestions on how to handle both my sister and MOH that would be super helpful.. Also the girls are fully aware that they will be paying for their dresses.
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Re: MOH

  • Have you talked to her about how much she is stressing you out?  She might think she is being helpful.  Has she always been kind of controlling?  Maybe it's best to stop talking about plans with her.  Can you plan with your fiance?  I'd say you need to pick your battles, and it sounds like the dress is going to become a power struggle.  In the end all you'll have is pictures, anyways.  Will the dress really jump out that much to you in the end?

    As for your sister...give her some time to calm down.  Just smile when she shows you things, and say you love it....then, do what you want. :)

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • 1. If you've read other posts about picking your bridal party, then you know the reasons why you shouldn't pick them a year out; people change, friendships change, etc etc etc. You've made your bed, you've gotta lie in it.

    2. Stop talking about the wedding with her and handle planning with your FI. If your MOH is being so controlling as you put it, then stop sharing things with her. If she brings stuff up just tell her "I've got things under control, but thanks". She'll get the hint. Same with your sister.

    3. If you don't like the dress she picked then tell her. Don't just go along with it and pretend like it doesn't bother you. Tell her you want her to be comfortable, but it's your wedding and the only criteria you had was the color and your approval of the dress. Those aren't very tight restrictions, she should be able to work with that. If she doesn't want to wear a dress that you approve of, then that's something you're going to have to talk about.

    4. If your sister isn't contributing money to the wedding, then she doesn't get to invite all of her friends without you or your FI's approval. End of story. I mean, unless you're also friends with these people, I wouldn't worry too much about it. They're going to realize they're not actually invited when they don't get a STD or invitation, and when they ask your sister why they didn't, she's going to look stupid for inviting people to someone else's wedding. Although in that case, I'd probably put some security at the venue's to make sure you don't have any party crashers...

    Also, I'm usually not a grammar nazi, but it was very hard to read this post, kind of gave me a headache... just sayin'.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Actually i don't at all understand why most people say to wait so long to pick your bp. And i tried telling the MOH that i have this under control considering i have alot of time still but she still feels the need to push it on me that i don't. And no my fiance doesnt like to have an input on the planning at all. And yeah she has always been controlling which i knew when i picked her, but i honestly didnt realize it was this bad. And as for her dress i did tell her i didnt like it but she doesnt seem to care if i like it or not bc shes wearing it not me. 
  • Ditto yellow. It's a simple fix, stop talking about the wedding with her. 

    People are advised to wait because the relationship can chage and get sour during the wedding. This seems to kind of be happening to you. This is why people wait. 
  • pgcppgcp member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    I'm pretty offended that you would be willing to join a church if the inside is pretty.  Do you not care about the congregation?  The teaching?  The specific theology?  The ministries?  Churches aren't just pretty places for a wedding.
    japrincess24
  • I actually dont believe in god or a high power at all for that matter. Not to mention a church is just a building and most would say that the church is the people gathering not the building.
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited April 2012
    Wow!  So you're using a House of Worship for a prop??  FWIW, I also believe that the people are the church but their House of Worship is sacred to them, as are the memberships.

    ETA: Ask anyone who is a Mormon - they can't even invite non-Mormons to their ceremonies.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

    japrincess24
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:d525ae07-15f7-45bf-8001-4d96c8b3ce96">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I actually dont believe in god or a high power at all for that matter. Not to mention a church is just a building and most would say that the church is the people gathering not the building.
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    <div>Then why would you get married in a church?  Or join one?  You are making a mockery of everyone that does have faith.</div><div>
    </div><div>Also, is your enter key broken? </div>
    japrincess24
  • pgcppgcp member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:d525ae07-15f7-45bf-8001-4d96c8b3ce96">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I actually dont believe in god or a high power at all for that matter. </strong>Not to mention a church is just a building and most would say that the church is the people gathering not the building.
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]
    Then WHY would you want to be married in a church? 

    Most churches require potential new members to go through classes (or have already gone through classes if they are transferring membership within the same denomination), meet with a pastor or elder/councilman/deacon, stand before the congregation and take vows (which in your case would be a lie since you don't believe in God).  Why would you go through all of that just to have a pretty backdrop? 

    Yeah, I'm still offended, and very little actually offends me in life. 
    japrincess24
  • If  it came down to me taking vows i wouldnt do that. But i think most churches are very pretty buildings and want to get married in one. Plus most non-religious people  still get married in a church. Which i guess would mean they use it as a backdrop then. However it still happens and i just admit that its something i would do.
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to Re:MOH:[QUOTE]Ifnbsp; it came down to me taking vows i wouldnt do that. But i think most churches are very pretty buildings and want to get married in one. Plus most nonreligious peoplenbsp; still get married in a church. Which i guess would mean they use it as a backdrop then. However it still happens and i just admit that its something i would do. Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    What is your evidence for this statement? No one that I know, who is not religious, had married in a house of worship just to have pretty pictures.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
    japrincess24
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited April 2012
    Well, maybe a lot of non-religious or non-active people do get married  in churches, but do they all join in order to use the sanctuary (think about the meaning of that word, BTW)?  It's just that what you're planning to do takes the sacredness of becoming  a member of the church, the body of Christ, and cheapens it. You're making a committment when you join a church.  This isn't like signing up for a credit card at Kohl's in order to get the 20% off of today's purchases and then cutting up the card when it comes in the mail. 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

    japrincess24
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:d525ae07-15f7-45bf-8001-4d96c8b3ce96">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I actually dont believe in god or a high power at all for that matter. Not to mention a church is just a building and most would say that the church is the people gathering not the building.
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]



    So why the heck are you getting married in a church if you don't believe in what they stand for? A church isn't a prop for pretty pictures...you can have pretty pictures anywhere. People get married in churches because they believe in their practices not for pictures.

    As for your MOH, if you are tired of hearing her tell you what to do stop sharing your wedding plans with her. And if she persists let her now that you have everything under control and that her constantly pressuring you to get things done is stressing you out. But like you said, you knew she was controlling before so this shouldn't be that big of a shock.

    japrincess24
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:1732670e-f079-494c-9dae-fdfb2befca4e">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]If  it came down to me taking vows i wouldnt do that. But i think most churches are very pretty buildings and want to get married in one. Plus most non-religious people  still get married in a church. Which i guess would mean they use it as a backdrop then. However it still happens and i just admit that its something i would do.
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    Woah.  I'm not sure what else to say here except that you have very little respect for religion or places of worship.  I find your views of churches offensive and I'm not even overly religious.
    japrincess24
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:884a89f2-3d67-4ec7-b5f8-c024e237a97b">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH : Woah.  I'm not sure what else to say here except that you have very little respect for religion or places of worship.  I find your views of churches offensive and I'm not even overly religious.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]



    I agree. I am not a religious person at all and neither is my H, which is why we did not get married in a church. We both though that since we did not practice our religion that getting married in a church would be highly hypocritical of us.

    To get married in a church the pastor or priest or minister will want to know why their church. What are you going to tell them? Are you going to lie or be truthful and tell them it is because it is a pretty building. I doubt they will be happy about that let alone want to marry you and your FI.

    japrincess24
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:1732670e-f079-494c-9dae-fdfb2befca4e">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]If  it came down to me taking vows i wouldnt do that. But i think most churches are very pretty buildings and want to get married in one. Plus most non-religious people  still get married in a church. Which i guess would mean they use it as a backdrop then. However it still happens and i just admit that its something i would do.
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    No actually. Churches are not just pretty buildings. They are places that people are baptized in and married in and have funerals in. They MEAN things to people. The people inside them means things to people and what the church represents is what some people use to help guide the way they live their lives.

    My FI and I are not religious people but we were raised in religious families. Would I like to get married in the gorgeous church that my parents were married in and that I've attended for many years of my life? Yes. But I don't believe the things that the church represents anymore and I would never cheapen what that means for other people. I would feel insanely guilty saying my vows in a context that does not feel "true" to me.

    You're seriously messed up.
    June 16, 2012
    image
    japrincess24
  • I completely agree with what PPs are saying.  I think it's bizarre that you'll include vows that encompass religion and God and faith, but you actually don't believe in any of it.  So essentially, your vows are lies.  I'm not religious, so we didn't include any religious aspects in our wedding, and we DIDN'T get married in a church.  There are plenty of beautiful places to get married that aren't churches.  See if you can find a commercial venue that has the church-like aspects you want.

    Also, stop booking vendors until you have a venue.  You don't have a date until you book your ceremony and reception spaces.  
    japrincess24
  • Actually i don't at all understand why most people say to wait so long to pick your bp.

    Well, all the reasons you gave for your MOH and sister annoying you are pretty solid evidence behind this mantra. If you hadn't thought you were special and that advice didn't apply to you, you could've waited a while to ask them to be in your wedding and therefore avoided all of their meddling.

    But judging from your super-offensive views on churches and your refusal to listen to people about how wrong you are for using a holy place as just a pretty building, I'm guessing there's a lot of things in life that you don't really understand.
    image
  • Is your MOH religious at all?  Because if she is, maybe that is why she is acting this way.  Being not religious myself, if any of my friends knew I was going to get married in church "just because it's pretty" they would be pretty rude too.  And I wouldn't blame them.
    image

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    japrincess24
  • I dont even want to start dress shopping yet i feel its way to soon for the exact reason that peoples bodys do change over time she wanted to go look at them so we went. Im putting pretty much everything on the back burning with the exception of the hall cattering church photographer and dj on the back burner for a while bc i feel its way to soon to actually start doing much else. The only only reason im even doing those now is bc i know places book soon and dont want to miss out. And she was baptized but doesnt follow any sort of religion the same as both my parents and they agree theres nothing wrong with getting married in a church. Its not like im having religion in my ceremony at all bc my whole extended family is catholic and his is all christian. But neither of us were raised at all religious. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:43ddcfae-8835-42cf-a0ca-512bb944b89f">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont even want to start dress shopping yet i feel its way to soon for the exact reason that peoples bodys do change over time she wanted to go look at them so we went. Im putting pretty much everything on the back burning with the exception of the hall cattering church photographer and dj on the back burner for a while bc i feel its way to soon to actually start doing much else. The only only reason im even doing those now is bc i know places book soon and dont want to miss out. And she was baptized but doesnt follow any sort of religion the same as both my parents and they agree theres nothing wrong with getting married in a church. <strong>Its not like im having religion in my ceremony at all bc my whole extended family is catholic and his is all christian. But neither of us were raised at all religious. </strong>
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    Ummmm.....Catholicism is a form of Christianity.
    image
    japrincess24
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:43ddcfae-8835-42cf-a0ca-512bb944b89f">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont even want to start dress shopping yet i feel its way to soon for the exact reason that peoples bodys do change over time she wanted to go look at them so we went. Im putting pretty much everything on the back burning with the exception of the hall cattering church photographer and dj on the back burner for a while bc i feel its way to soon to actually start doing much else. The only only reason im even doing those now is bc i know places book soon and dont want to miss out. And she was baptized but doesnt follow any sort of religion the same as both my parents and they agree theres nothing wrong with getting married in a church. <strong>Its not like im having religion in my ceremony at all bc my whole extended family is catholic and his is all christian. But neither of us were raised at all religious. </strong>
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    I don't think you understand how church ceremonies work.
    June 16, 2012
    image
    japrincess24
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b6f59943-17ee-4b6a-b2f2-ccaa1519ca61Post:43ddcfae-8835-42cf-a0ca-512bb944b89f">Re: MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont even want to start dress shopping yet i feel its way to soon for the exact reason that peoples bodys do change over time she wanted to go look at them so we went. Im putting pretty much everything on the back burning with the exception of the hall cattering church photographer and dj on the back burner for a while bc i feel its way to soon to actually start doing much else. The only only reason im even doing those now is bc i know places book soon and dont want to miss out. And she was baptized but doesnt follow any sort of religion the same as both my parents and they agree theres nothing wrong with getting married in a church. Its not like im having religion in my ceremony at all bc my whole extended family is catholic and his is all christian. But neither of us were raised at all religious. 
    Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]



    Um, if you get married in a church by a priest, guess what...there will be loads of religion in your ceremony. You will have prayers and blessings and such that will pertain to the religion of the church. There will be no way to ask the priest of the church to take out all religious wording in the ceremony...that would be a very offensive thing to do.

    japrincess24
  • frantastic12frantastic12 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited April 2012
    Also...becoming a member at a church isn't just something you sign up for. I see you're in NE Ohio...in Columbus, most churches require a pretty hefty fee and/or donation; in part to deter people such as yourself who just want to marry in the church because it's pretty. I've seen as much as a $1000 fee for a member of a church to marry there...and becoming a member requires your attendance and donations on top of that $1000. Churches aren't just a charity to provide you with a pretty venue for free.
    image
    japrincess24
  • Actually yes you can ask for no mention of religion in the ceremony...have you never been to a non religious wedding before? And i have been a member at several churches with no fee so its something i would have to look into which is what im doing tomorrow. Not to mention it depends on what type of church it is. And yes i am from north eastern ohio and its nothing like columbus at all you cant even compare the two actually.
  • eirwyneirwyn member
    100 Comments
    edited April 2012
    A church is not "just a building". It is a house of God. You cannot have a non-religious ceremony in a church. Even IF you can get the officiant to omit any reference to religion (which is extremely disrespectful, given that you are in a *church*), you will still be surrounded by religious symbolism and... you know... IN A CHURCH.

    I'm an atheist, but I am still very respectful of churches when I walk into one for a wedding, funeral, etc. Your attitude is rather snotty and entitled.
    japrincess24
  • I'm with the others.  It's really disappointing how quickly you seem to be writing off the meaning of a church building.  It's not just a beautiful building, it's a place for spiritual reflection and contemplation, for practicing devotion and taking sacraments, for expressing one's religious commitment.  It's not a backdrop.

    DH and I are non-practicing Catholics.  We did not get married in a Church - though we easily could have as both of our home parishes were willing to overlook our lack of rigor.  Instead, we found a beautiful public space to use.  Are there really no parks, museums, theaters, ballrooms or other spaces that you can use?

    Previous posters are right - you can't have a nonreligious ceremony in a church.  If you don't believe in what is being practiced, you will come across as fake.  If you push to hard to remove all religion from a religious ceremony, you will likely find yourself without a venue and officiant.  Please rethink your plan. 
    image
    Anniversary


    japrincess24
  • In Response to Re:MOH:[QUOTE]Actually yes you can ask for no mention of religion in the ceremony...have you never been to a non religious wedding before? And i have been a member at several churches with no fee so its something i would have to look into which is what im doing tomorrow. Not to mention it depends on what type of church it is. And yes i am from north eastern ohio and its nothing like columbus at all you cant even compare the two actually. Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]


    How exactly have you been a member of several churches when you don't believe in a god or higher power at all?
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    japrincess24
  • In Response to Re:MOH:[QUOTE]Actually yes you can ask for no mention of religion in the ceremony...have you never been to a non religious wedding before? And i have been a member at several churches with no fee so its something i would have to look into which is what im doing tomorrow. Not to mention it depends on what type of church it is. And yes i am from north eastern ohio and its nothing like columbus at all you cant even compare the two actually. Posted by RWhitesell[/QUOTE]

    Have you been to a nonreligious ceremony in a church before? And what the hell do you mean about how you can't compare Columbus and NEO? Religion is religion, and Cleveland doesn't have it's own set of religious values. I was citing that as a reference for fees associated with marrying in a church. Same cost of living, relatively the same costs of weddings, etc.
    image
  • The building itself would mean nothing to a "god". Its about the people that go there that make up a church. However most refuse to think that way and i can tell that most of you do. And yes you can have a non religious weddingin a church i have been to several of them. Bc not every church makes you be a member to get married in it. Knowing that people will want to get married there without faith. All you do is rent out the church its a pretty common thing to do. 
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