My son proposed to his girlfriend last night

s-aries8990 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:86c16665-21f4-45c6-a806-ad25a01f67b6">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : Well I apologize then. I read your post in the wrong tone. I do understand your addiction comparison--I see a lot of similarities. I DO still view my son as a child, in some ways, and I think I always will. Not in the respect that I believe I need a say in his decisions (although I certainly wouldn't mind if he asked!), because I certainly did not ask my parents for permission at his age. Normally I have always been a more laid back parent, never really got dramatic about much, and then I had mellowed even more by the time I had him, as I had already been a parent for 10 years, but I truly fear for him with this girl.
Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

In one of my PP's I suggested that you take him out for lunch to make sure this is what he really wants.
M -Are you excited about being engaged?
(Of course!)
M - Do you have a date?
(Not just yet, but we're thinking the next spring)
M- Good, good. I just want to make sure that this is what you really want. i've noticed that you've been through a lot lately with the move and the job and everything else, and it seems you aren't hanging out with your friends as much. I just want to make sure this is what you really want because I want you to be happy.
(But she does make me happy)
M- Alright, I just wanted to make sure. So how IS the new job/apartment/tvshow"

Done.

He is still your son, but he is no longer a child. Your instinct is to protect him, and as noble as that is, he has to fall on his own sometimes.

Be the sweetest MIL you can muster - invite them over for dinner like every week but do NOT just show up unannounced. Make them cookies, offer to petsit, remember her birthday, their dating anniversary (and their wedding one), offer to pick up mail while they're on their honeymoon. Collect gifts and clean up at the end of the night at the reception. Offer to host an engagement party, the bridalshower (or co-host, offer to do work),an RD, an morning after brunch (it seems as though she may refuse your offers, but you can say you tried). Kiss her bum as much as you can without getting too much crap on your face. That's all you can do.

Kate61487 · January 2013

PhasedOut - I feel for you. Obviously none of us know the whole story but something about you makes me want to believe you. I believe that this girl is cray cray and your son is in too deep to see it clearly. (My brother dated a couple of these in his younger days). Unfortunately the advice is still the same; you've gotta grin and bear it. If you try to change his mind he will hold on to her even tighter. In retrospect, after it's all fallen apart, he'll realize you were right and trying to help him; but that might be after years of declining holiday invitations and isolating himself with his wife.

Is this son close to either of your other two children? I know you said they've grown more distant since his FI came into the picture, but were they close before? I think sometimes it's easier for siblings to have that come-to-jesus talk, b/c it removes the dynamic of "you think I'm still a child and can't make my own choices". Maybe one of them can plant the seed and help him see the light.

OliveOilsMom · January 2013

I feel for you Phased. It sounds like this girl is nothing but trouble. Unfortunely, it seems like your son has had ample opportunities to see this throughout their relationship. He has always stuck by her side. So if you give her a reason to hate you and force your son to choose between you and her, he will choose her, just like he has continually chosen her through the years.

As PP said, be overly nice to her. Kill her with kindness. Give your son no reason to think you may not like his FI. Stay in contact with your son, one day, he may wisen up and need help to get out of his current situation.

GoodLuckBear14 · January 2013

OP - do your other children have a problem with this girl? My brothers and I always knew more about eachother's relationships than our parents did - and if we ever saw anything we didn't like, we had that talk with eachother. My parents were never anything but warm and welcoming to the significant others who passed through their home and relied on their other children to air concerns.

PhasedOutMom · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:e5c19055-31ff-45c0-a7bc-2c8aed1b60ce">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]OP - do your other children have a problem with this girl? My brothers and I always knew more about eachother's relationships than our parents did - and if we ever saw anything we didn't like, we had that talk with eachother. My parents were never anything but warm and welcoming to the significant others who passed through their home and relied on their other children to air concerns.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>They do NOT like her. They don't go into too much detail with me, because they don't want to betray their brothers trust, but my son was the one who told me about her fake pregnancy and a few other things. My youngest son has not spoken to my daughter in a few months, since there were words between my daughter and sons fiancee. He still talks to my oldest son a little, but less and less, and oldest son claims it is only when the fiancee is not around. They all used to be so close. Our whole family was. I do keep my feelings about her to myself around my older kids, too.</div>

ridedatbike · January 2013

If you're not paying for anything I wouldn't worry. Even if they do get a divorce it shouldn't be much of a problem. I wouldn't worry unless children become a part of the picture. That's when things get messy.

PhasedOutMom · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:1f37dafd-09e4-4b7b-a927-1f1ae6736a96">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : If they all dislike her too, I think it is important to get them on the same page about not letting their dislike of her get in the way of spending time with him. My uncle had a wife like this (they are getting divorced now) and even though we disliked her, we all were nice to her so as to not make things awkward for him.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

<div>I do think it's time to sit down with my older kids and have a discussion about the whole situation. I believe they know to behave appropriately towards her, they're nice, upstanding adults, lol. But it is still important to have everyone on the same page, you're right.</div><div>
</div><div>I also like the suggestion of just asking if he's happy, without leading into any confrontation.</div>

hoffse · January 2013

Whatever you do, make sure to preserve the relationship so that he feels like he has a family to fall back on if this all blows up in his face. There will probably come a point when he realizes how unhappy he is, but if he doesn't feel like he has a place to turn it's going to be difficult to escape the relationship.

Yes you should be kind to her. But I would suggest you strive for a sort of "professional kindness" if that makes any sense. I had a girlfriend who got into an abusive and manipulative relationship, and she dealt with it for years before telling anybody. The reason? She thought her parents and all her friends actually really liked the guy, and she was worried nobody would believe her or that they would take his side. It sounds crazy that she would think her parents would pick him over her, but they were so damn nice to him that he pretty successfully convinced her this would be the case. So I think you need to strike the balance. Be welcoming and kind to her, but don't go overboard to express your approval at her every action. He needs to understand that you support HIM regardless - whether she is with him or not.

Fancypantsamy · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:d3bea230-c22b-41d4-bb74-66de9f7a8c19">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever you do, make sure to preserve the relationship so that he feels like he has a family to fall back on if this all blows up in his face. There will probably come a point when he realizes how unhappy he is, but if he doesn't feel like he has a place to turn it's going to be difficult to escape the relationship. Yes you should be kind to her. But I would suggest you strive for a sort of "professional kindness" if that makes any sense. I had a girlfriend who got into an abusive and manipulative relationship, and she dealt with it for years before telling anybody. The reason? She thought her parents and all her friends actually really liked the guy, and she was worried nobody would believe her or that they would take his side. It sounds crazy that she would think her parents would pick him over her, but they were so damn nice to him that he pretty successfully convinced her this would be the case. So I think you need to strike the balance. Be welcoming and kind to her, but don't go overboard to express your approval at her every action. He needs to understand that you support HIM regardless - whether she is with him or not.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think the PP has a really good pioint here. Good luck Momma - you sound legit and I really hope your son comes to his senses before a difficult divorce is in order. I'll be crossing my fingers for you. </div>

hoffse · January 2013

Also? Try to keep an open mind - as hard as that is - because I think it's the only way you won't go crazy. Try not to judge until you have all the info from the best source - which is your son, not your older children. Try to be patient. My FMIL thought I was a skanky whore because she found my FSIL's black panties in my FI's bedroom. Apparently my FSIL and FBIL were getting it on in there while FI was away at college. The next time I visited she passive aggressively washed them, folded them, and put them on my luggage. She didn't say more than a couple sentences to me for more than 2 years after that. Eventually FI finally remembered to give the panties back to her to give to my FSIL... and then she realized what she had done. But honestly? I still sort of judge her for judging me - because even if they had been mine, it's really none of her business what her 20 year old son was doing with his girlfriend. So my best advice is try your best not to judge her until you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have all the facts. She very likely knows you don't like her - it's pretty easy to sense - and if she feels like you are judging her unfairly it could be damaging to your relationship with your son.

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

Look I do feel for you. Though it wasn't a child of mine, my best friend married a jerk. Just a straight up jerk and I have personally witnessed him doing these jerk behaviors (he has not been abusive to her but has been manipulative, nasty, etc. a lot like what you describe about your FDIL). I had a talk with her ONCE right when they first started dating and kept it as casual as I could. Thankfully she wasn't angry at me or anything and we continued our friendship, but she stuck with him and is now married to him. He has not changed.

So I do see where you are coming from, but her family members and friends that kept pushing her on this issue, she no longer talks to or has a strained/limited relationship with. It sucks, but she is an adult who can make her own choices, much like your son. The more you push it, the more you will push him away. If she is truly this awful, he will hopefully see it in his own time.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

And be careful - don't put him in a bad position. My boyfriend (N)'s bestfriend M married a skanky whore & a terrible person. She would wear miniskirts all summer without any panties when she knew she would be in the garage with men rolling around under cars on creepers, she would try to have sex with her M in the bathroom,she would tell N that I was a sleeping around, she was just gross. She got pregnant (several times, mind you, but drank them away- a bad person!) and they had a kid.

A few weeks before the wedding - right after their son was baptized, N and his friend T wend to M and told him that he was making a huge mistake and was going to ruin his life by marrying this chick and gave M an ultimatum. He, of course, chose his now-wife's side.

T was kicked out as the BM, was no longer the child's godfather and N was un-invited. that was almost 2 years ago I think.

Don't make their mistake.

Chillchill28 · January 2013

You sound crazy and posting something like this on the internet for everyone to see shows how crazy you obviously are!

lauralaur · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:a57c2257-9912-4977-82ae-3ec57a47696b">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : Wrong. Your "boy" is a man now. He is able to make his own decisions and unfortunately for you, you need to respect them. He doesn't need to make his life decisions to make you happy. Suck it up. Your in the wrong here
Posted by coolwhipz1[/QUOTE]

I disagree with those who are picking up on the use of the word "boy." My father and step-mother regularly refer to myself and my siblings as "the kids." I don't view it as an issue of respect; not only does my father express it but I can FEEL his pride in the adult that I've come to be. To me it just feels like that's what they've always called us, so that's what they call us, not that they don't respect that we are adults. So I don't agree that her use of the word "boy" means she's not able to see her son as an adult leading his own life. I'm not saying that this IS the case here, I'm saying that her use of the word does not automatically translate that way to me.

Fancypantsamy · January 2013

I see nothing similar between this woman and Carson's crazy ass mother in law. (Sorry Carson! Hope she's been sedated!)

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:e4f4a290-5134-4d77-ad80-ede627edb8e3">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : She is a very smart and manipulative young lady. She didn't like how many female coworkers he had at his previous job, so she whined, stomped her feet, and threatened to leave until he got a new one. She made him think it was inappropriate to spend time with his single buddies, but then when some of them entered into exclusive relationships, she didn't want my son around their girlfriends and any female friends they could potentially bring around. His friends caught on, so she convinced him slowly over time to stop seeing them. One of those friends moved somewhat close to them soon after (within walking distance), and when my son and the boy started hanging out again, she made up some elaborate tale about how the friend had come on to her. She has faked illnesses, pregnancies, miscarriages, and anything else she can come up with to get her way. She is beautiful and charismatic, though, so she gets what she wants. I believe she is a sociopath. These are all things that I've either observed or heard through my older son and daughter (who now have very minimal contact with my youngest son, thanks to his lovely bride-to-be) or my sons friends.
Posted by PhasedOutMom[/QUOTE]

<div>Assuming you are 100% correct and this girl is truly manipulative and sociopathic, then you need to try even harder to be nice. If she is what you say, he will eventually see it and need your help. People tend to think men can't be victimized or bullied by spouses, but they certainly can, and they need just as much support getting out of those relationships as women do. Don't pressure him or voice your concerns excessively, just smile and be kind and stay in their lives. Your son may need you soon.</div>

SlothGoals · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:33dfc70d-f404-45ee-ac8b-eaa81a1d309d">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]You sound crazy and posting something like this on the internet for everyone to see shows how crazy you obviously are!
Posted by Chillchill28[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Did you even read anything she wrote? I think this comment is pretty judgy considering you yourself are posting questionable comments on an internet forum.

</div>

TKzilla · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-son-proposed-to-his-girlfriend-last-night?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a031f91e-d7dd-435c-868c-d9c223556bddPost:825367d8-f283-465f-9da9-f52f8db80fd3">Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night : Did you even read anything she wrote? I think this comment is pretty judgy considering you yourself are posting questionable comments on an internet forum.
Posted by kristbot[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

Negazilla · January 2013

Pussy rules, moms drool.

Sorry lady. You're going to have to let him make his own choice, even if it's a mistake.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last night

Re: My son proposed to his girlfriend last night

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