Is anyone up? I need advice...long

Re: Is anyone up? I need advice...long

• kpdorr member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Reading your post I felt so sad, I know how friends can grow apart, and it is such a shame it also has to involve wedding planning. I hate to say it but it may be time to reduce the size of your wedding party. I know some of the other girls on here have had BM and MOH problems so they probably have better first hand advice, but from my perspective, it just doesn't seem worth it to force the situation. People in your bridal party should be excited and happy for you- if they aren't bringing positive energy and well wishes, they shouldn't be there. I hope that you have others girls- your mom even, sisters or cousins that can fill that role of being supportive and helpful- b/c these girls just don't seem up for the task. Maybe setting them free of their duties, or at least having a conversation with them about it will help clear the air and help you all re-evaluate your relationship. Boo to them!

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• lornarose07

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  OP I'm really sorry to hear about these problems. I've been through exactly what you're gong through and it's hard to deal with, let alone recover from it. I had a BEST friend for almost 8 years (no longer friends) who, during a "fight" we had that literally lasted 2 days that we didn't tlak to each other, took upon herself to book a spring break trip to Florida with our other friend, without me.And they had the nerve to offer me $20 to bring them to and pick them up from an airport that was an hour away. I brought them, got the $20, and texted the day before they were due to be back to tell them I was busy. I. was. PISSED. My ex BFF sounds a lot like your MOH. Honestly, ending the friendship what the best thing I could have done and the most HEALTHY I could have ever done for myself.
  
  Consider at this point what is most important to you and consider your two most feasible options. Option one: People say that kicking a BM/MOH out of the wedding party is a friendship-ending move, which might kill two birds with one stone and liberate you from these seemingly toxic friendships.
  
  Option two: If you don't want to straight up end things with these girls, and fixing your friendships is more important to you, then I'd try to express your feelings to them in a NWR context. General rule, no one will care about your wedding as much as you do, and although we expect our closest friends and ESPECIALLY our WP to be just as happy for us as we are for ourselves, that's not always the case. Your friends might not be happy that they're single, they might be miserable and jealous and resentful that your life is moving forward and are acting out accordingly. You could try a text along the lines of: "Hey, can we meet for lunch/drinks/whatever as soon as possible? I really need to talk to you." If you get an "about what?" response, be honest but concise: "Just been feeling like crap about the way things have been between us lately... but I'd rather not talk over text." If they agree to meet with you, keep the focus of the convo on how they make YOU feel, not specifically what THEY have been doing; they seemlike the type to get super-defensive if you start attacking their behavior. If I were you, I recommend not bringing up anythign wedding related at first.... that might launch an attack of "honestly mek20, I'm sick of hearing about your wedding. Really, I don't have time/money/whatever to worry about it." Who wants to be told that to their face?? Well, maybe you do so you can know for sure how to proceed, at which point you can easily say "In that case, you don't have to hear about it anymore. I'll send you an invitation, and you can choose to come as a guest or not." Again, keep in mind: possible friendship-ending move.
  
  See if you can come to an understanding about the relationship as it relates to you guys outside of your wedding, and then if things seem to be ok, let her/them know that you're glad you sorted it all out, you feel much better, and while we're here let's set a date and time to go pick out your dresses. Like you said, you acknowledge that BMs don't have any requirements to do anything other than show up in the correct dress on the day of, so if they can't even commit to that you might want to try and go back to option 1. IDC what anybody says about the etiquette of kicking out WP members, if they're genuinely treating you like crap and not even living up to their ONE responsibility, they shouldn't be BMs. The point of standing up beside you is to show their support of your union, and if that's the first and only time they've supported you throughout the whole process, that's pretty superficial support to me.
  
  Good luck OP, let us know how it turns out.

  

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• sbolger17 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm sorry you're dealing this.  My first thought was the same as Lorna's -- they might be jealous that you've found a great guy to marry and they haven't.  Or they might just be not on the marriage track right now, so they can barely even conceive of having a friend who's ready for that step.
  
  I would also agree that trying to talk with them about your friendship and not any wedding stuff is the first step.  I tried to limit wedding talk with friends unless asked and put a lot of stuff on here instead (and also talked constantly about it with DH and my mother). 
  
  Good luck and let us know how it goes!  I'm sorry they're being crappy right now.
  

  

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• MelissaC315 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm so sorry they are being that way towards you. It really sucks when friends drift apart and it sucks even more when they drift apart and are rude about it too. It seems like you guys are in different places in your lives. I've been feeling that with some of my friends too. Some of my college sorority sisters are still very much into going out and drinking like 4 times a week and I'm just not at that place anymore. And it is definitely effecting my friendships... I don't even consider many of them friends anymore. Because I won't go out and be "party girl" Melissa or "how I used to be" (as they say)... they get annoyed and some barely speak to me. But I realized I don't need those friendships. If someone isn't going to be a good friend to me because I won't party and be their wing girl anymore than I don't need those people in my life. But it still stings so I get where you're coming from.
  
  As far as the bridal party goes, I knowww this is probably against etiquette but I think you should have girls in your bridal party who are supportive, happy for you, and going to be a positive light on your day. These girls clearly aren't. I would say either have a conversation with them about how you are feeling and how hurt you are that they are not interested in your big day and if they don't respond well/don't change their behavior I'd cut 'em out. Ultimately it is your wedding, once in a lifetime, and you deserve to have girls that are worthy of standing up there with you.

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• mek20 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you all for being so supportive. I do not like the idea of "giving them the boot", but in this situation, it might be the healthiest option for me. I talked with my mom for awhile today, and she said the same thing you all did: these people are bringing me down in what should be such a happy time. 

  
  

  My biggest concern is that when I do talk with them, they will go into a defensive mode and turn it back around on me, which is what happened a couple months ago with MOH. I was upset with her, and by the end of the conversation, I felt like the bad guy for feeling like that. 

  Obviously, I am going to cool down a little bit more before so that I can be calm, and mature (which doesn't seem to be their strong point). 

  
  

  Again, thank you all so much. I promise I wasn't looking for sympathy, but you all usually give such good advice, I knew venting here would be helpful. 

  
  

  
  

  First comes Love (2.23.2006)

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  Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)

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• mek20 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  I re-read what I just posted, and it made an even more convincing argument for me to possibly make a major change to my WP and to my group of friends. If my "friends" know how to manipulate me to feel like a horrible person that much, then they are not really friends in the first place.

  First comes Love (2.23.2006)

  Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)

  Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)

  And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
  

  In the baby carriage! 

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• lornarose07

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_anyone-up-need-advicelong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:bfd63736-b471-4e9c-bb31-0ef588b28b39Post:7e5ef79f-9c28-4121-b2ff-b09f94d6feca">Re: Is anyone up? I need advice...long</a>:
  [QUOTE]I re-read what I just posted, and it made an even more convincing argument for me to possibly make a major change to my WP and to my group of friends.<strong> If my "friends" know how to manipulate me to feel like a horrible person that much, then they are not really friends in the first place.</strong>
  Posted by mek20[/QUOTE]
  
  This! Trust me mek, I KNOW exactly what you're feeling. I hate confrontation, avoid it at all costs, and basically refuse to defend myself or even express myself to people who I am sure will turn it all around on me, blow up at me, or otherwise make me feel like crap. These are not the type of people we should have in our lives, and certainly not the type of people we should be submitting to.
  
  On that note, look for my post on a situation related to this in the future.... and it will come.

  

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• mek20 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  oh no i do not want anyone to go through this, ever. (but, unfortunately, it is something we cannot avoid).

  
  

  
  

   

  First comes Love (2.23.2006)

  Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)

  Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)

  And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
  

  In the baby carriage! 

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• kevinandmonica2011 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Wow... I miss so much being banned from the internet at work.  Boo.
  
  OP- I am so sorry you are going through this drama.  Lorna gave excellent advice and I echo every.single.word.  At this point it depends on how much you value the friendship and how hard you are willing to work to try to "fix" it.  If it is worth it to you, then be prepared to initiate a frank discussion- NWR on all levels... do not even mention the "W" word, period- about your friendship.  It may be worth saving, but you will need to get a lot of things out in the open.  Otherwise, I would cut ties. 
  
  TBH, there are a few friends that I have seperated from since getting engaged- either by my account, theirs or mutual.  I have found that healthy friendships foster healthy marriages... and likewise unhealthy friendships can impact your relationship/marriage negatively.  I did my best to fix what I could... and what wasn't worth fixing, I dropped like a bad habit.
  
  Also, I don't want to use you as an example... (I can use myself too here)... so please don't be offended.... but for anyone else reading this who is newly engaged.... THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU WAIT WAIT WAIT TO CHOOSE YOUR BRIDAL PARTY.  I'm sure you can attest to this... when you asked them to be your BM/MOH, you probably never in a million years thought they would be putting you through this crap and you would be contemplating the decisions you are now.  It sucks. 
  
  I hope everything turns out well for you.  When I come to crossroads in relationships/friendships, I tell myself this... Life is too short to waste your time on people who make you miserable.
  
  ((hugs))... I am sending you positive vibes.

  
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• mek20 member

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  Thanks Monica...I completely agree...I kick myself all the time for picking them so early. It is SO hard, but we just get so caught up in the engagement excitement. 

  
  

  Thanks again to everyone. This is really tough, but what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? I know that at the end of this, I'll have learned something either way.

  First comes Love (2.23.2006)

  Then comes Marriage (6.23.2012)

  Then comes Baby #1 (5.10.2013)

  And Baby #2 (EDD 6.15.2014)
  

  In the baby carriage! 

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• lornarose07

  

  September 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_anyone-up-need-advicelong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:bfd63736-b471-4e9c-bb31-0ef588b28b39Post:67ad6545-7b8a-42d3-a0a4-b69bca68f9ae">Re: Is anyone up? I need advice...long</a>:
  [QUOTE] Also, I don't want to use you as an example... (I can use myself too here)... so please don't be offended.... but for anyone else reading this who is newly engaged.... <strong>THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU WAIT WAIT WAIT TO CHOOSE YOUR BRIDAL PARTY. </strong>
  Posted by kevinandmonica2011[/QUOTE]
  
  Guilty as charged. When I first got engaged I was VERY close with a friend who knew all about it, and ohmygoshhowexcitingyouregoingtobemyMOHright?!ofcourseiwillbeyourMOHthisissoexcitingweeeeeeee.
  
  Ehem. Anyway, it's been just over five months since I've been engaged and now this friend and I barely see each other. We don't talk much, text very infrequently, and not for any dramatic reasons, simply because law school started for me, grad school started for her, her dating relationship that she started in March has already elevated to "We've been talking about getting engaged, we're definitely going to, just need to wait for the right time" and things are just on the fast-track for both of us. Do I hate her for it? No, why would I be mad at her because her life iis good? Am I... thinking twice about asking someone who I'm starting to drift apart from to be my MOH? Yeah, a little. Truth is, though, I am confident that when the time comes she will be more than happy to be my MOH and will be as involved as she can be. I've learned through crap experiences with friends who to put my trust in now and I'm banking on that I made the right choice.... hopefully :)

  

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