Very confused.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

BF and I got into a HUGE fight tonight. I was at work so it was all via text message. There's a lot to it I feel, but I'll try and make it short. When we started dating he knew I was planning on moving to NC from where we lived in upstate NY. And he was fine with the long distance thing. We see each other every month. He works more and makes more, so he comes down. He's been constantly making me feel guilty about not seeing his family since May (I moved in June) and I finally told him I'd go up to see them. I'm supposed to go back to school next month, so it would mean missing a day or two of school. I told him I might have to work around that and yet he told his whole family I was coming this specific weekend in February. He has a big family and I love them. But he's moving away to be with me in April and he's making me feel bad about taking him from his family. I don't have a big family and its just my Mom and I down here. But I love it and don't regret moving. But if he had his way we'd live down the street from his parents and my Mom would be left behind. I've been in a relationship before where the family always came first and I feel that way now. I know he's going to expect we'll spend every holiday with his family. We tried discussing it the other night and it really upset me. Now I'm just lost. I feel like our relationship is hanging by a thread and I don't know what to do. Help!

jeanacorina · December 2010

This is very important, very heavy stuff. Deciding how much time to spend with your families and where to live are big conversations and usually CAN NOT be hashed out in one day.

You guys need to sit down together and talk about this. Where do you each want to live? Are either of you willing to relocate permanently? How will you determine where to spend holidays? Will you alternate years? Specifically, will you be able to afford to travel and spend holidays with family? (DH and I have had a hard time with this, so I haven't been with my family for Christmas in 4 years... but I don't hold it against him because we're saving up and hoping for next year)

There's no right or wrong answer. To be honest, neither family is MORE important than the other. If/when you get married, you are each other's family and priority. Everyone else is second to that. It's important that you both reach an agreement on how visiting/vacations/holidays should be handled, but that's something you both need to hash out together. As a team. Compromising.

jeanacorina · December 2010

Also, fighting via text is pretty rough. I suggest in the future you guys agree to save the heavy conversations for face-to-face.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Thanks.

He would ideally love to live near his family. Which is nice, but I don't want to move back to New York. I love the town of Chapel Hill and he knows that. However, whenever I've tried to discuss where we'll live, he's never interested. He says that he prefers to focus on the present and not worry about things like that. So I get frustrated. I assumed we'd do every other holiday with his family. But he gave the impression that Christmas will always be with his family. And I don't think that's fair.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:aad4b2f3-2ea6-4ab0-8a64-a05c773474a2">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, fighting via text is pretty rough. I suggest in the future you guys agree to save the heavy conversations for face-to-face.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

I know. I wasn't planning on it. One thing led to another and boom.

Elle1036 · December 2010

Ugh. There must be something going around and causing us to fight with our SOs.

Anyway, you can't "take him" away from his family, or anywhere that matter. However, if he feels like you are trying, he probably just hasn't had a chance to express his feelings about being away from his family.

Take some time to cool down and then discuss things together, preferably in person.

Also, when BF and I have had major fights, I've found it helpful to write things down before hand to sort out my feelings.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

He's never said that I am, but I just know its in the back of his mind. I know I could give in and just move back to NY, but I would be unhappy. I wasn't planning on falling in love with him or anyone before I moved.

SeaTea02 · December 2010

I am going to touch on one of the more surface issues: holidays

My BF has a small immediate family too. For holidays we ALWAYS invite his mom to our home for dinner. It means the world to BF and makes us closer as a family unit. It takes away a bit of that mine v. your mentality and we don't have to really decide on who to be with. Would his family be willing to host your mom too? Would your mom be willing to go?

The deeper seeded issue is obviously your BF's resentment. I really don't have much advice on this, but it really needs to be worked out before you get married. This is a duh statement.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:34162132-3f59-4bed-adb9-998f220194bd">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to touch on one of the more surface issues: holidays My BF has a small immediate family too. For holidays we ALWAYS invite his mom to our home for dinner. It means the world to BF and makes us closer as a family unit. It takes away a bit of that mine v. your mentality and we don't have to really decide on who to be with. Would his family be willing to host your mom too? Would your mom be willing to go? The deeper seeded issue is obviously your BF's resentment. I really don't have much advice on this, but it really needs to be worked out before you get married. This is a duh statement.
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

I've mentioned that to her. She hasn't met them yet. Its assumed she'll meet them next fall when both his cousin and my cousin are getting married a week apart. But she says she wouldn't feel comfortable.

desertsun · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:01837cd7-d545-4f67-aab1-e3623f4c7082">Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]BF and I got into a HUGE fight tonight. I was at work so it was all via text message. There's a lot to it I feel, but I'll try and make it short. When we started dating he knew I was planning on moving to NC from where we lived in upstate NY. And he was fine with the long distance thing. We see each other every month. He works more and makes more, so he comes down. He's been constantly making me feel guilty about not seeing his family since May (I moved in June) and I finally told him I'd go up to see them. I'm supposed to go back to school next month, so it would mean missing a day or two of school. I told him I might have to work around that and yet he told his whole family I was coming this specific weekend in February. He has a big family and I love them. But he's moving away to be with me in April and <strong>he's making me feel bad about taking him from his family</strong>. I don't have a big family and its just my Mom and I down here. But I love it and don't regret moving. But if he had his way we'd live down the street from his parents and my Mom would be left behind. I've been in a relationship before where the family always came first and I feel that way now. I know he's going to expect we'll spend every holiday with his family. We tried discussing it the other night and it really upset me. Now I'm just lost. I feel like our relationship is hanging by a thread and I don't know what to do. Help!
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Remember that no one can FORCE you to feel anything without your consent.</div><div>
</div><div>Do you maybe feel guilty b/c YOU feel you're taking him away from his family?</div><div>
</div><div>Are you worried that he will resent you b/c he will have less time with his family?</div><div>
</div><div>Are you afraid of having fights with him?</div><div>
</div><div>It is OKAY to feel any or none of these things.</div><div>
</div><div>But you need to sort out what feelings are YOURS and WHY you feel them. </div><div>
</div><div>And you need to have an open and honest face to face conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>You absolutely can work this out, IF you both can commit to what Jeana mentioned -- you have to be each other's FIRST priority. That means sometimes you have to compromise what you want b/c his feelings are important, too. And vice versa. Neither of you will ever again be able to have everything just the way you like.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm a firm believer in balance. You guys just need to figure out how to balance each other's needs. You need to feel like his family doesn't come before you, and he needs to feel that you value what is important to him. The hard part is figuring out just how to make that happen, and you might have to be patient, b/c it could take a lot of practice.

</div><div>The absolute most important thing is that both of you must be willing to talk openly and honestly about what you each want. How else can you reach a fair balance? If your BF doesn't know what you want, he can't factor that into his decisions, and that will cause all sorts of problems.</div><div>
</div><div>HTH! Good luck and please keep us updated!</div>

SeaTea02 · December 2010

Like I said that his and mine mentality will get you in trouble. You need to think of his family as your family and vice versa. I know you say your mom hasn't met them yet, so I see how Christmas might be a big leap. After she has met them and is still not willing this is a failure on your moms part to realize that you have two families and accept that. She will see you much much more during the year it kind of isn't fair, especially if the failure to compromise is on her part.

I know this is off topic, but if both sets of your parents really care about seeing you on the holidays they will put up with a few uncomfortable meetings and learn to be a family unit. You are not just marrying each other, you are marrying both your families.

EDIT: I have no idea why this is in two fonts and I can't fix it...

[Deleted User] · December 2010

He is without a doubt my first priority. And sometimes I feel like I'm his. Other times I'm not so sure. I just feel like he's always guilt tripping me. He's always saying how his family can't wait to see me and wants to know when I'll be up. And its a nice feeling knowing they like me, but still. He mentions it a lot more then he needs to.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:ddc47657-00f8-4b0b-8492-aef55beca26e">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]Like I said that his and mine mentality will get you in trouble. You need to think of his family as your family and vice versa. I know you say your mom hasn't met them yet, so I see how Christmas might be a big leap. After she has met them and is still not willing this is a failure on your moms part to realize that you have two families and accept that. She will see you much much more during the year it kind of isn't fair, especially if the failure to compromise is on her part. I know this is off topic, but if both sets of your parents really care about seeing you on the holidays they will put up with a few uncomfortable meetings and learn to be a family unit. You are not just marrying each other, you are marrying both your families. EDIT: I have no idea why this is in two fonts and I can't fix it...
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

Hehe. The two fonts made it funny. And my Mom is her own topic. I love her to death but she's very selfish. She actually started crying tonight when I told her about our fight. Not because I was unhappy, but because she won't get to spend every moment with me. We've always been really close but now she feels like I'm all she has.

desertsun · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:dfaf927d-e68a-41dd-bd0e-219f90fe6163">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]He is without a doubt my first priority. And sometimes I feel like I'm his. Other times I'm not so sure. <strong>I just feel like he's always guilt tripping me.</strong> He's always saying how his family can't wait to see me and wants to know when I'll be up. And its a nice feeling knowing they like me, but still. He mentions it a lot more then he needs to.
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You cannot be guilt tripped if you do not allow yourself to be.</div><div>
</div><div>I am getting a very strong sense that you and your BF do not talk nearly enough about your priorities and boundaries as individuals and as a couple. You seem to both have a hard time clearly articulating what you want from each other. </div><div>
</div><div>These conversations are absolutely essential for your future happiness. </div><div>
</div><div>You will never feel confident in your relationship with so much left unspoken, and this in time will only lead to resentment. Resentment is a relationship killer.</div><div>
</div><div>Start practicing having these conversations now. They don't have to be long, drawn out hours long talks. It can be as simple as saying, "Honey, do you want me to make time with your family more of a priority? Why?" and then going from there. You can always say, "I need some time to think this over. Let's talk about this again in a week."</div><div>
</div><div>It really does get easier with practice, and I promise you will be happier in your relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

zipis1 · December 2010

Honestly, the main thing I'm going to touch on is this:

Push the alternating holidays thing (respectfully of course). Not only do you have to start thinking of his family as your family, but he does too. And he of course has to learn to compromise, which means that he cannot always expect to only see his family every Christmas. You have to speak up and make sure he hears you, or this will become a pattern in more than just whose family gets seen when. Guaranteed.

This is honestly a bit of a red flag for me, to be honest.

Edit: Could I have said honest any more in this comment? :P

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I know we need to sit down and talk. However, we won't be seeing each other still for another 17 days. I'm the one that brings up the important topics and for the most part he tells me those things are things we don't have to worry about right now. Such as where to live, the holidays, etc. And when I get frustrated he says its just his personality to be like that. As for his family being a priority, I think he's figuring time with my Mom won't be as important because we'll live not far from her. At least for the next couple of years.

paintgirl · December 2010

I'm sorry you had a fight with BF. I just moved to be with my bf. I didn't leave my biological family (I left them YEARS ago), I left my friend family - the people I spent holidays with, who took care of each other when the other we sick, my FAMILY family. If I had had an OUNCE of hesitation about that, I wouldn't have moved. It is not fair of your bf to say he would move for you then make you feel guilty about it. If you are not pressuring him (doesn't sound like you are) then he should either make the move willingly and lovingly or not at all.

More and more couples deal with the holiday thing since we don't often marry our neighbors or high school sweethearts these days. You can figure that out (although I agree with pps that it must be addressed before you get married). But the move... I'm not saying he won't be homesick from time to time - I was a mess in November for some reason - but this little guilt trip crap will turn in to major bitterness on his part. Bitterness ruins relationships. Don't go there. If he can't move without reservation, he shouldn't move. (And yes, I know it's a HUGE sacrifice for him. It was for me too. But if I had acted the way your bf is acting...)

PS Your relationship with your mom sounds dysfunctional too. You didn't say much so I could be way off, but it seems pretty co-dependent.

LizzyTish88 · December 2010

I kind of know where you are coming from. I also think that you and your BF need to sit down and talk and like Elle said, write up a list of things you want to say so you don't forget anything. Also if you won't be seeing him for 17 days, you have plenty of time to think about everything you want to address. I also want to talk about the Holidays since they are all in the present, and if I repeat the PPs it would be too much.

BF and I went through something similar this Christmas. We decided to split the Holiday for the first time in 8 years. Both he and I are only children, I live with my mom and step-father and he lives with his mom. We decided that he would do Christmas morning with his mom, then come to my house to do Christmas with my family, then to my aunts for dinner, then to his cousin's house with his whole family. We told him mom well in advance so that she knew he was not going to be there.

On Christmas night when he got to his cousin's house, at about 5:30-6pm, she was livid. She was so mad that we hadn't gotten there sooner, and that he came to spend the day with my family even though she knew well in advance what our plan was. I felt really bad for BF because he thought it was all good, until we got there and his mom wouldn't talk to us and was rude to both BF, me, and her family. She left shortly after we got there.

His family understood, as they all have to split Holidays and reassured us that the first one is the worst but that it will get better. BF's mom only has him, so when he comes with me, she is left alone. I felt really bad and told him that he could do what he needs to, to make sure she wasn't alone.

So sorry that this is so long, but what I am trying to say is that no matter what, the first Holidays of spending time with your SO is always going to be hard for both families, but it will get better. They need to get the idea that you two are your own family and that you are working together to get that family established.

HTH, and please keep us updated.

paintgirl · December 2010

I already commented but not about the holidays - my family is a little nuts. His is nice but...

We spent Christmas home with just the two of us!! No traveling, no traffic, no drama. I think his mom was a little bummed but she got over it. My family is used to me not being there. They don't love it either but - eh - whatever.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Thanks everyone. I'm not really sure what's going to happen right now. During the fight last night he said he needed to think and was going to bed. That happened before I posted here. He didn't respond to any other texts and I haven't heard from him since. So we'll see.

marleylikeair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:2a3b18a2-9e42-4424-a38d-fd173b386a4d">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]I already commented but not about the holidays - my family is a little nuts. His is nice but... We spent Christmas home with just the two of us!! No traveling, no traffic, no drama. I think his mom was a little bummed but she got over it. My family is used to me not being there. They don't love it either but - eh - whatever.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

Paint--so did we! I was a little sad not to be with family, but it was so great to have our own Christmas. You and I have another thing in common in that we moved to be with our BFs. *internet five*

Coffee, I'm so sorry to hear about your fight.To put it simply, it sounds like you two just need to communicate more. BF and I kind of had a similar problem at first--we were so afraid of a fight that we didn't bring things up when we should have. He sort of had an idea that it wasn't necessary to bring up things that seemed small, but eventually they'd come out in an argument. We're working toward not letting things just sit, and talking about them instead. Like desert said, it doesn't have to be a huge, drawn-out conversation. Just keep calm, and keep communicating, and once you both see that it doesn't have to start a fight, it'll get SO much easier.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I agree with Desert... If he hasn't actually said that you're taking him away from his family but you feel that way, it is because YOU actually feel that way... He *may* feel the same way but unless he voices it, it shouldnt be your concern... and like Elle said, you can't take him away from his family... He is making a conscious decision to move to NC to be with you and therefore HE is taking himself away from his family...

You guys definitely need to sit down and discuss the future... He can't just have the mentality of "living in the present"... The future is very real and you have to be at least a little prepared for it... I understand what you're going through with that because I had the same issues with my BF... I had to explain to him how important it is to actually discuss the future but my BF's reason for not wanting to discuss it was because he didnt actually believe that I wanted to be with him for the long-term...

As for your mom, I totally understand... My mom lived in FL for 10 years and she got so used to being alone that since she's moved back to NY she's made it very difficult to have family functions because she 'can't deal with a lot of people and noise'... I've invited her to BF's sisters house a number of times and she never wants to go (neither do I most of the time but still)... So, now my attitude about it is... I'm going to continue to invite her but if she chooses to stay home I'm not going to feel guilty about it because I have my own life and I have a BF that is will eventually be a H and 'our' family is my first priority... That attitude goes for both my parents... I spent Thanksgiving with my Mom, Christmas Eve with my dad and Christmas day with BF's family... Both my parents were 'alone' on Christmas day... but that was their individual choices, they are grown adults and I don't feel guilty about it... and that's the attitude that you might need to take... but you and your BF need to learn how to discuss things fully and compromise... Someone is always going to have to sacrifice...

::off soapbox:: lol sorry!

marleylikeair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:95555d43-4780-470d-a8dc-9209b350e7e9">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]So, now my attitude about it is... <strong>I'm going to continue to invite her but if she chooses to stay home I'm not going to feel guilty about it because I have my own life and I have a BF that is will eventually be a H and 'our' family is my first priority...</strong> That attitude goes for both my parents... I spent Thanksgiving with my Mom, Christmas Eve with my dad and Christmas day with BF's family... Both my parents were 'alone' on Christmas day... <strong>but that was their individual choices, they are grown adults and I don't feel guilty about it... </strong>and that's the attitude that you might need to take... but you and your BF need to learn how to discuss things fully and compromise... Someone is always going to have to sacrifice... ::off soapbox:: lol sorry!
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

This is so true, Lyz!

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Lyz, you're right on everything. Actually, all of you are. Never thought I'd say that. Haha. But I guess all I can do is wait to hear from him. I'll let everyone know what happens. Thank you ladies.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:4a21a151-0631-4b27-8d85-549054579646">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]Lyz, you're right on everything. <strong>Actually, all of you are. Never thought I'd say that.</strong> Haha. But I guess all I can do is wait to hear from him. I'll let everyone know what happens. Thank you ladies.
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]

You underestimated US!? SMH LOL We're brilliant! ;)

paintgirl · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:95555d43-4780-470d-a8dc-9209b350e7e9">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]IIf he hasn't actually said that you're taking him away from his family but you feel that way, it is because YOU actually feel that way... He *may* feel the same way but unless he voices it, it shouldnt be your concern...Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

Really? If you know someone well and love them you can't anticipate their feelings or interpret their feelings from their actions? I know when bf has had a bad day at work by his body language when he comes through the door or his voice on the phone. He doesn't have to tell me it was rotten. And crappy day at work looks and sounds different from other issues.

I can see how a man could have difficulty admitting he's going to miss his family and that a move might be more than he can handle. Eventually he'll need to grow a set and speak up, but I don't think coffee is projecting her feelings on him. That's not really what desert said either (I don't think).

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:c22c1791-78c6-4867-8e7f-03223859e7ff">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very confused. : You underestimated US!? SMH LOL We're brilliant! ;)
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

I bow down to your brilliance ;-)

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_very-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:bee36b5c-734a-48d9-8c3f-338143ad083fPost:41135a06-f482-47a4-abb6-7a0780f10011">Re: Very confused.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Very confused. : <strong>I bow down to your brilliance ;-)</strong>
Posted by CoffeeBean330[/QUOTE]

THUMBS UP!! ;)

SeaTea02 · December 2010

I agree with Lyz. That was the point I was trying to make but she just did it better :-)

bsidebella · December 2010

This is almost exactly like disagreements that FI and I keep having. When we were each living with our families, we were a half hour from each other. Now that we live together, I now live an hour from my mom (and an hour from all my friends) and 20 minutes from his parents and his friends.

The town we now live in is a quiet rural area, where the job oppurtunities are scarce. It's not a problem for him, we live a mere 5 minutes from his job. But for me, so far away from the bigger cities where a job in my field is possible, it's very frustrating. The only reason why we moved here in the first place was because the rent was dirt cheap. Now I'm regretting it.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

Update.

BF and I had a long talk (on the phone) about everything. I told him how I feel and he doesn't understand how I'm feeling the way I do. But I think things are good for now. And when he comes down next month we'll sit down and have a long talk.

Very confused.

Re: Very confused.

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