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Snarky Brides

Domestic Discipline?

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Re: Domestic Discipline?

  • Oh man, this just made me so sick.

    This girl is in serious trouble. I can't believe people do things like this. I grew up in a household where domestic violence occured fairly regularly. This is almost worse, because it's planned out and agreed upon in a way. It just doesn't make any sense.
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  • I didn't see that, Ricks, but holy crap.

    Lenore,

    I'm glad your friend got out of that situation.  I'm a bit surprised he allowed her to leave.

    I would agree that these chicks are exhibiting the classic signs of being abused.  The worst part to me is that it seems like these actions are being sanctioned by outsiders.  These husbands are so incredibly controlling it's scary.  SugarAnne has to call her H every day while he's at work?  Why?  What good reason could he possibly have to need to check up on her constantly?
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • Yeah, I found that condescending a well.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:29f28ab7-3595-4011-b549-4005df10db02">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In one of their AUgust entries, they asked for questions to be added to their FAQ. I doubt they will actually answer them, but  I created a new email address and sent them these: What happens if Parker does something wrong, like lying or not calling when he is out? Does Brinlee get to say what time she prefers him to be home, and what behaviors are unacceptable to her? Why is it assumed that Parker (the husband) is the ultimate judge of the wife, that his judgement is infalliable? Why are his needs and wants the only ones that appear to be satisfied by this arrangement?
    Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

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  • She isn't a lawyer yet, but she is going to law school.
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  • If my husband ever tried any of this, we would not be married and he'd probably be in a shallow grave. At first I was thinking "if it happens in their marriage and she consents, what's the big deal," but not only are her punishments pretty extreme (over 30 spankings?!) but if she's hesitant or cries about any of, she's clearly not truly consenting.
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  • Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is abuse.

    "I'm still sore now (several hours later) but the redness and light bruising is pretty much gone. Still, sitting isn't completely comfortable."



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  • SugarAnne's post about what happened to her when she was in Jamaica reminds me of one of those "I shouldn't be alive" stories on TV. 

    J- I'm glad you chimed in here.  I was hoping for a MHW perspective.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:067f51da-35b3-47ce-bb50-b4cd4bdab6a8">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't see that, Ricks, but holy crap. Lenore, I'm glad your friend got out of that situation.  I'm a bit surprised he allowed her to leave. I would agree that these chicks are exhibiting the classic signs of being abused.  The worst part to me is that it seems like these actions are being sanctioned by outsiders.  These husbands are so incredibly controlling it's scary.  SugarAnne has to call her H every day while he's at work?  Why?  What good reason could he possibly have to need to check up on her constantly?
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    <div>It is astonishing he allowed her to leave, it actually goes counter to everything 99% of abusers would do in that situation. Not her time to go I guess.</div><div>
    </div><div>Checking up her constantly-it reminds me of those stories of abuse survivors who say he used to check their car odometers to make sure they were not going anywhere other than where they said they were going. Scary, scary.</div>
  • Omg, I'm appalled.  I've never heard of this until now.  I have to agree with Cew, it's almost as if it's some sexual situation with her husband wanting to control her, and that completely disgusts me. 

    And if she is getting scared and hurts, etc.  I think the line is being completely crossed on it being "consensual"

    As far as Parker not getting the abuse, on that Christian site it said in most situations 1 person is chosen as the "head" and usually doesn't receive any abuse.  How the fvck is that fair?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:5262e208-56ed-4017-b593-0569a31f8d2d">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as Parker not getting the abuse, on that Christian site it said in most situations 1 person is chosen as the "head" and usually doesn't receive any abuse.  How the fvck is that fair?
    Posted by future-mrs[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.  In that Jamaica post "BabyMan" tells SugarAnne it's not fair that she didn't immediately tell him what was wrong with her, and that she's making him hit her with his belt.  Yeah, asshole, it's not fair to you that you have to beat your wife, not fair at all <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:9352fd52-8abe-4fbe-a04c-d26e85aceefb">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]SugarAnne's post about what happened to her when she was in Jamaica reminds me of one of those "I shouldn't be alive" stories on TV.  J- I'm glad you chimed in here.  I was hoping for a <strong>MHW </strong>perspective.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>What does MHW mean?

    </div>
  • Mental Health Worker.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Oh, thanks.  Yeah. I think the part that bugs me the most is that their marriage counselor is ok with this "lifestyle."
  • Thanks for the discussion on this, ladies.  I can't get my hair under control thanks to the rain, so I have to hop in the shower before I head out to lunch with my friend.  I'll talk to you all later and I'll definitely come back to this thread to read any further discussion.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • edited August 2010
    Oh my goodness. I just read all this. I kept waiting for it to go in a sexual/fetish direction, like the dom/sub lifestyle, but this is totally different. I know some people don't even get the dom/sub lifestyle, but at least in that situation there is some sexual and emotional gratification that both parties are getting out of it. This DD shitt is just abusive, plain and simple. She is "terrified" of the imminent punishment, the methods he might use, and the unpredictability of what he will do. This is a pattern of abuse and suggests a traumatic reaction on her part of said pattern.

    I could maybe kind of see if it was equal and they were both held accountable to each other in the same way (like kd intimated), but otherwise this is just another case of an abusive partnership. I hope she gets some help.



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    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:02ab868c-b8c7-45af-84d0-87d38fe7e0ad">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Domestic Discipline? : Exactly.  In that Jamaica post "BabyMan" tells SugarAnne it's not fair that she didn't immediately tell him what was wrong with her, and that she's making him hit her with his belt.  Yeah, asshole, it's not fair to you that you have to beat your wife, not fair at all
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]


    Yeah, it literally made my stomach turn reading what he wrote about how much it "hurts him emotionally" blah blah blah.  What about the emotional AND physical abuse she's getting.  Fvcking sick and twisted.    One of the worst parts, she's absolutely beautiful.  She could have any normal/sane/non-abusive man she wants!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:5612fc24-bdf1-42f4-86ac-6b76aac70e24">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh my goodness. I just read all this. I kept waiting for it to go in a sexual/fetish direction, like the dom/sub lifestyle, but this is totally different. I know some people don't even get the dom/sub lifestyle, but at least in that situation there is some sexual and emotional gratification that both parties are getting out of it. This DD shitt is just abusive, plain and simple. She is "terrified" of the imminent punishment, the methods he might use, and the unpredictability of what he will do. This is a pattern of abuse and suggests a traumatic reaction on her part of said pattern. I could maybe kind of see if it was equal and they were both held accountable to each other in the same way (like kd intimated), but otherwise this is just another case of an abusive partnership. I hope she gets some help.
    Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

    I seriously think this is a case of the man taking advantage of someone with a weaker mind/low self esteem.

    My ex-husband was abusive,his was more due to when he was drinking. So it's not exactly the same kind of scenario, but what made me stay and put up with it as long as I did? And what made me leave?
    And today I wouldnt put up with this crap, he wouldnt have an arm. And he better sleep with one eye open.
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  • If I were her, he would be walking out of the house in handcuffs sporting a black eye and busted lip.  That sh!t is seriously f*cked up.  I had FI read a blog entry and even he was shocked and thinks that it is f*cked up.  I would like to know if her parents know about this or if they live that lifestyle too.
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  • edited August 2010
    Kd, I'm so sorry to hear about your ex, and I'm very happy for you that you found a way out and moved on to happier, healthier things. But you raise a good point. The ability to emotionally manipulate is a "gift" that many abusers have, and it's what keeps their partners feeling guilty and loyal to them even when they logically and cognitively want to leave. Couple that with partners who may feel as though they deserve the abuse in some way, and you have a situation like this DD couple. Only they have taken it a step further and rationalized it as okay under a ruse of "structure" and "agreement." I'm not buying it.  



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • We do a little of the kinky stuff but if anything we did made me cry you had better believe it would be out the door in an instant. I can't believe how she thinks this lifestyle is harder on him! I'm sorry but if was being emotionally disturbed or distraught over beating you he wouldn't be doing it! It doesn't sound like it's hard on him at all.

    I have (and always have had) a huge fascination with the kinkier lifestyle, but never have had the courage to ever go through with pursuing it.
  • After reading the comments I'm terrified by the amount of people who think this is normal! After the linked post about how she was so scared and hurt someone posted "You and your husband have something really special"

    wtf are we teaching our kids these days?
  • I'm surprised posting about this stuff on a blog is not on her list of disallowed behaviors.  Both of them sound f'ing stupid, I had never heard of any of this before this thread.  It's sad to think there are followers of this DD stuff probably turning their kids into future abusers/abusee's.

    Married old Las Vegas hag groom - June 2011

    Getting married in Vegas? Start here! [click]

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:8e29a7b9-a512-4a07-9a1c-d81c4a2472bd">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I'm surprised posting about this stuff on a blog is not on her list of disallowed behaviors. </strong> Both of them sound f'ing stupid, I had never heard of any of this before this thread.  It's sad to think there are followers of this DD stuff probably turning their kids into future abusers/abusee's.
    Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's what I thought too, but look how they're all worded.  "What I did wrong" "what I did it" "My punishment" "Why I won't do it again" "How I feel".  It sounds like this was 'recommended' as part of the lifestyle by the counselor.  Or maybe it's just another one of her 'chores.'</div>
  • Katie, that made me sad as well to see the comments. Clearly those are fellow members of the DD community, just like that counselor they saw. I agree that it's dangerous for them all to normalize this for each other, but then again I can see why they'd be drawn to each other's approval. I just feel upset after reading all of this, ugh.





    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:23e21f26-62e9-4868-b2c8-05cfb4b2b4c2">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kd, I'm so sorry to hear about your ex, and I'm very happy for you that you found a way out and moved on to happier, healthier things. But you raise a good point. The ability to emotionally manipulate is a "gift" that many abusers have, and it's what keeps their partners feeling guilty and loyal to them even when they logically and cognitively want to leave. Couple that with partners who may feel as though they deserve the abuse in some way, and you have a situation like this DD couple. Only they have taken it a step further and rationalized it as okay under a ruse of "structure" and "agreement." I'm not buying it.  
    Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

    TY BG- It was years ago. And I'll be honest it took age and figuring out who I am, and liking myself to get away from men like that,(my second husband was no better,but he never touched me).

    I really needed the years alone that I had to realize who I was, and I like to tell people I "fixed my picker". DH is the most wonderful supportive person I've ever met and would never think of abusing anyone.

    But I agree these kind of people just rationalize this behavior, but it's still abuse.
    Hitting another person to make them conform to your whims, is still abuse whether you call it DD or DV.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:ee06d51a-1a7e-4505-a64e-17ab2158417b">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Domestic Discipline? : That's what I thought too, but look how they're all worded.  "What I did wrong" "what I did it" "My punishment" "Why I won't do it again" "How I feel".  It sounds like this was 'recommended' as part of the lifestyle by the counselor.  Or maybe it's just another one of her 'chores.'
    Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

    Or just further proof how brainwashed she's been by the abuser and her 'counselor', she's so far gone she posts a blog about how bad she's been the same way a normal person would post about their dog chewing up the couch.  I'd like to hope that someone in that state of mind could eventually return to normal but sounds like that would require years of work.

    Married old Las Vegas hag groom - June 2011

    Getting married in Vegas? Start here! [click]

  • Kd, that's wonderful that you found your way. It sounds like you put a lot of hard work into your personal growth (as cheesy as that sounds, but it's totally valid!). :) I think evaluating your own "picker," as you put it, empowers you as someone who is choosing who you will be in relationships with. And obviously it's worked out really well for you!

    Also, I totally agree, Vegas.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_domestic-discipline?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:22679d35-db22-4430-9b90-d496a16ab78fPost:70b35c90-c93d-43d4-9b12-5c0d4d6c1ab4">Re: Domestic Discipline?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Domestic Discipline? : exactly. <strong> Like someone else said... either it's thinly-veiled BDSM or it's abuse.</strong>  Either she likes it or she doesn't.  Considering her post about being truly terrified of him, I'd say it's abuse.  Also the way he talks about her is insanely demeaning and condescending: Brinlee and I started out incorporating domestic discipline into our marriage without a rule list (a formal rule list). But, we found out that it was basically confusing my wife (she says she " couldn't remember everything" even though there really wasn't all that much to begin with ) and so we decided to make one. Our rules (o r, the things I would punish her for) 
    Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

    As I said earlier, this is not BDSM. In BDSM, there is sexual and/or emotional gratification in being totally submissive or dominant of another person. There is pleasure and exhilaration in receiving or inflicting the pain. That's part of the definition of sado-masochism, is that some kind of reward is derived from the direct infliction of pain.

    The only suggestion of any positive reward that the DD wife is getting is from having her husband's "forgiveness" after he punishes her. But she gets no pleasure from the actual punishment and humiliation. In fact, she is terrified and scared for her safety. Maybe he gets off on it, but he claims it's not a part of his process. But if she's not enjoying the spanking or the anticipation of spanking, she's not participating in BDSM.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • I just cannot comprehend this. It is so scary to me. Even more scary is the thought that children/pets would be in this situation. If he beats a "willing" wife with a hairbrush, what would keep him from torturing a dog/child who doesn't understand his fvcked up logic?

    ugh. nausea.
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