Polygamy

kikibaby · October 2010

How would you feel if polygamy were legalized? Do you think it's unfair to be OK with same-sex marriage, but not OK with polygamy? Discuss.

baystateapple · October 2010

It's not for me, but I really hate the government getting involved with who can marry who -- as long as all parties are legal adults and consenting.

arbolita · October 2010

I don't think it would ever happen because it would be a logistical nightmare with insurance/social security, and everything else that requires paperwork.

FutureMrsFezz · October 2010

I agree with PP. Although I find the whole thing to be extremely weird. Whatever floats your boat, I guess?

heartxsongs · October 2010

I don't think I'd mind if polygamy was legal. The only thing I can think of at the moment that would be an issue in my eyes is if people can marry multiple people without letting the partners know that they are already legally married to others. That seems shady and deceptive.

I also agree with arbolita in that it could make insurance coverage and such extremely confusing.

crfische · October 2010

I agree with the masses. If they are adults and consenting, well then. That's that.

At this point, only one of the marriages is legal, right? And then when they take on sister wives, it's more of just a commitment they make to each other, but not in law?

ohwhynot · October 2010

It's none of my business, really. If more than two consenting adults want to consider themselves married, I have no problem with that.

As far as the logistical nightmare aspect of it . . . I don't think that so many people would jump into this option that it would be a huge problem. For those that do want to have a polygamous marriage, I think there are ways to resolve legal issues. Full disclosure requirements, set formulae for insurance/inheritance distributions . . . that sort of thing.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

First off, it could never be me. Second, everyone should have to be of legal concenting age. Third, only the first marriage should be legal. All subsequent wives should be religious only. Only the first wife should be entitled to any financial/insurance/social security. The husband should be able to claim all children on his health insurance and taxes though.

As far as I can see, polygamy with the stipulations I have outlined (all my opinion) would be no different than a married man having a mistress and his wife being OK with it. Same goes for the children, even if the husband is married and has a child with the mistress, he can still provide health insurance under his name for the child.

kikibaby · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:6c8cf8ed-2097-4f6c-8c60-41c93abd4d40">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, it could never be me. Second, everyone should have to be of legal concenting age. <strong>Third, only the first marriage should be legal. All subsequent wives should be religious only. Only the first wife should be entitled to any financial/insurance/social security.</strong> The husband should be able to claim all children on his health insurance and taxes though. As far as I can see, polygamy with the stipulations I have outlined (all my opinion) would be no different than a married man having a mistress and his wife being OK with it. Same goes for the children, even if the husband is married and has a child with the mistress, he can still provide health insurance under his name for the child.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

Why do you think they shouldn't be able to have all of the marriages be legal? And why should the subsequent spouses be shafted on insurance and such?

Rosie109 · October 2010

It wouldn't matter to me if it was legal to have plural marriages. Not on the same topic but somewhat there, nothing grinds my gears more than when people who are against same sex marriage use the line that its a slippery slope and that if gays can marry then soon people will want to marry dogs and goats. Seriously?

waltzingmatilda13 · October 2010

I think it should be okay as long as every marriage but the first is a religious marriage and not a state recognized marriage. If everyone was suddenly allowed multiple partners I could see a lot of abuse happening so that people could become citizens and get entry into the US. Basically, marriage fraud. But as long as everyone knows that their subsequent marriages won't be legally binding and are consenting adults, I don't see a problem with it.

ohwhynot · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:6c8cf8ed-2097-4f6c-8c60-41c93abd4d40">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, it could never be me. Second, everyone should have to be of legal concenting age. Third, only the first marriage should be legal. All subsequent wives should be religious only. Only the first wife should be entitled to any financial/insurance/social security. The husband should be able to claim all children on his health insurance and taxes though. As far as I can see, polygamy with the stipulations I have outlined (all my opinion) would be no different than a married man having a mistress and his wife being OK with it. Same goes for the children, even if the husband is married and has a child with the mistress, he can still provide health insurance under his name for the child.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

How is this different from the status quo? I mean, except for the decriminalized part. Under the status quo, only the first marriage is legalized. Subsequent marriages are only recognized by the religious community of the participants, and children can get insurance and social security coverage either way.

What would you do if 3 people wed at the same ceremony? Who's "first" in that scenario?

arbolita · October 2010

Logistical Nightmare: You have Bob who has 3 wives. One of those wives decides she wants to marry someone else also, and this dude has three wives. Does this make those wives part of the same family as Bob?

FutureMrsTR · October 2010

As long as everyone is legal and able to give consent (age, mental status, etc) I have no problem with it. The logistics WOULD be a nightmare, I could see people using it to abuse the healthcare system, but that's not my area of exptertise and I'm sure you could get around it, I just don't know how.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:44adf7f6-37ea-4e78-adc4-2c9e267b66ea">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Polygamy : Why do you think they shouldn't be able to have all of the marriages be legal? And why should the subsequent spouses be shafted on insurance and such?
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Legal marriage offers entitlements that religious marriage does not. Which wife would be in charge of the husband's health care if he was in critical condition? Who would be entitled to his pension/social security? How would a tax return be filed? Logistically, it seems extremely complicated.

marissa_claire · October 2010

I feel like this is posted every week, but I haven't thought about it in a while.

My greatest concern would be the benefits. I don't care that much for people who are actually polygamist in a real relationship, but I think about the fact we currently have people getting married for the sake of a green card.... and what's to stop people from marrying a group of immigrants? Or marrying ten of their friends to share benefits? I see there being issues with things like that.

Similarly, I wonder the most who will have say if husband ends up on his death bed and someone has to choose whether or not to pull the plug. Would we end up with another Terry Schiavo case? That was obviously way different, but they were basically trying to decide who has the right. Legally it is just a cobweb.

SarahPLiz · October 2010

What consenting adults do on their own time is their business. That's my take on both of those issues.

Anysunrise · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:8856f75d-1b38-41e6-8ad8-89d4234f9163">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like this is posted every week, but I haven't thought about it in a while. My greatest concern would be the benefits. I don't care that much for people who are actually polygamist in a real relationship, but I think about the fact we currently have people getting married for the sake of a green card.... <strong>and what's to stop people from marrying a group of immigrants?</strong> Or marrying ten of their friends to share benefits? I see there being issues with things like that. Similarly, I wonder the most who will have say if husband ends up on his death bed and someone has to choose whether or not to pull the plug. Would we end up with another Terry Schiavo case? That was obviously way different, but they were basically trying to decide who has the right. Legally it is just a cobweb.
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

Well, it's pretty pricey and can take years for one.

Calypso1977 · October 2010

i dont think it should be legal.

but i also dont think people should be jailed for having sister wives. you dont get put in jail for living with someone you arent married to (despite that it is technically illegal in some states, though never enforced) so i dont understand why the law is investigating the people on the TV show. he's just living wtih women he's not married to, and they are all adults. Whehter you think its right or wrong from a moral standpoint, all this guy is doing is living with women and having children out of wedlock. taht happens every day all over the world. they all voluntarily chose that lifestyle, and its in line with their beliefs, and no one is underage.

shaydenise · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:58d0c740-3128-4607-ae4e-ad63a2898475">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]Legally, doesn't bother me in the slightest. The government really shouldn't have a say in anybody's ability to marry, except in the case of minors. Civil liberties and all that. Morally, it bothers me and isn't for me and I don't understand how anybody could be ok with it. The point of marriage, to me anyway, is a commitment to spend the rest of your life with ONE person.<strong> I don't see how it's possible to love more than one person at a time enough to marry them all. Marriage=monogamy, as far as I'm concerned personally.</strong>
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I 100% agree with this, especially the last part.

marissa_claire · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:4c950e90-73c5-4bb6-acf1-6a837240d4bd">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Polygamy : Well, it's pretty pricey and can take years for one.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It must be easier then getting citizenship because otherwise people wouldn't do it currently, right? I don't know all that much about it, but I know it is done frequently and if it's so pricey and takes so long, then why would people do that instead of going through the motions to become a citizen?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

salt78 · October 2010

If it doesn't affect me, I honestly don't care.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:62c8a7c0-16a2-472c-9b14-05fcf30edb6b">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Polygamy : Legal marriage offers entitlements that religious marriage does not. Which wife would be in charge of the husband's health care if he was in critical condition? Who would be entitled to his pension/social security? How would a tax return be filed? Logistically, it seems extremely complicated.
Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

Complicated, sure, but that's one of the consequences you'd deal with when and if you entered a plural marriage.

I have no issues with it being legal, whatsoever. I think it's up to consenting adults to make their own decisions.

ohwhynot · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:ac55963e-d523-4e2a-826d-a8b9b781b82e">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Polygamy : It must be easier then getting citizenship because otherwise people wouldn't do it currently, right? I don't know all that much about it, but I know it is done frequently and if it's so pricey and takes so long, then why would people do that instead of going through the motions to become a citizen?
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

But there are ways of ferretting out marriage fraud now. If someone were to up and marry 10 foreigners who just happened to want to obtain citizenship . . . it would raise a red flag, to say the least. I honestly don't see this as such a huge, insurmountable problem that it should outweigh the interests of the people who do want their plural marriages legalized.

redheadfsu · October 2010

It would never be legal, as how the hell would you figure out the divorce?

My coworkers and I tried to even come up with a way of divorcing a couple that was in a polygamous family. Retirement, Probate, etc. way too hard.

ETA: Would the first wife get more of the pension? What happens if everyone bought a car, how would you divided it in a divorce? What would happen to the house? The kids, do the wives pay child support to the other ex-wife?

Loopyseven · October 2010

LOL!

Moneypenny424 · October 2010

I am opposed to polygamy in practice, as it is often combined with wife abuse and child abuse (including marrying of girls who are under the age of consent). I know that isn't part of polygamy itself, but it is hard to separate the two. This is true, not just of the fundamentalist Mormons. The people on the show seem fine and I'm sure that that is how many polygamist families are, but what about the others? The incidence of wife abuse may not be bigger than in monogamous marriage, but it is food for thought.

I'm a fan of one person marrying one other person. I don't care what sex they are. I mean, I wouldn't be up in arms if it was legalized (and unless there are allegations of abuse, I don't think even now they should be prosecuted), but I don't know that I'd fight the same way I fight for gay marriage.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:3f096035-0a18-4a2e-b761-0557dc035b17">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]I am opposed to polygamy in practice, as it is often combined with wife abuse and child abuse (including marrying of girls who are under the age of consent). I know that isn't part of polygamy itself, but it is hard to separate the two. This is true, not just of the fundamentalist Mormons. The people on the show seem fine and I'm sure that that is how many polygamist families are, but what about the others? The incidence of wife abuse may not be bigger than in monogamous marriage, but it is food for thought. I'm a fan of one person marrying one other person. I don't care what sex they are. I mean, I wouldn't be up in arms if it was legalized (and unless there are allegations of abuse, I don't think even now they should be prosecuted), but I don't know that I'd fight the same way I fight for gay marriage.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

See, I think that comes from 2 issues, though. First, marriage in the FLDS church usually involves girls who are underage, not of the age of consent. It's much easier to coerce them in that case. Second, they often grow up in areas where polygamy is normal - not in areas with diverse kinds of people and relationships. Because their lifestyle must be hidden, they don't get exposed to much else, helping solidify their belief that polygamy is the right/only way.

Simply Fated · October 2010

It's definitely not for me, but it doesn't bother me if someone else wants to do it.
I don't think the government should have a say in who wants to marry who, as long as they are both consenting adults and citizens of this country.
As it is there are people abusing and taking advantage of the system, so I don't see how plurals marriages would make anything different. Granted, as it is now you can only take advantage of the marriage system once, since polygamy is illegal. If polygamy was legal, then we do run the risk of people taking advantage of it more often.
But how do we weed out those who are taking advantage from those who are truly wanting to be married to each other? I feel like it isn't up to me to decide that.

Meg1979 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_polygamy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f567890-b6b9-4e06-a5f7-48c6cd9a1f8dPost:3f096035-0a18-4a2e-b761-0557dc035b17">Re: Polygamy</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I am opposed to polygamy in practice, as it is often combined with wife abuse and child abuse (including marrying of girls who are under the age of consent).</strong> I know that isn't part of polygamy itself, but it is hard to separate the two. This is true, not just of the fundamentalist Mormons. The people on the show seem fine and I'm sure that that is how many polygamist families are, but what about the others? The incidence of wife abuse may not be bigger than in monogamous marriage, but it is food for thought. I'm a fan of one person marrying one other person. I don't care what sex they are. I mean, I wouldn't be up in arms if it was legalized (and unless there are allegations of abuse, I don't think even now they should be prosecuted), but I don't know that I'd fight the same way I fight for gay marriage.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I am for polygamy (well, not FOR polygamy. I don't really care either way), but there are some pretty nasty practices in large polygamous communities. Not only are girls married when they are underage, but they can be married to other men in the community if their husband dies. Also, young men are forced out of the communities to leave more wives for the older men. I think those practices are pretty reprehensible, but for consenting adults I think it's okay.

Simply Fated · October 2010

In the US, polygamy has always, for the most part, been associated with the Mormon church and, more specifically, the stereotypical fundamentalists in Utah that live on those compounds. Yes, there are some very dirty and shameful practices, like betrothing underage girls, abuse, young boys being driven away due to male to female ratios, and even neglect to educate the children properly. And I'm sure we've all wondered how come men can take on multiple wives, but women can not. But those are all part of the fundamentalist Mormon practices.
The thing is, once we separate polygamy from the religious aspect of it, polygamy becomes, once again, fair game in the same way gay marriage is.

Please don't anyone be offended by my use of the Mormon church here, I'm just using this as an example of people's preconceived notions of what polygamy is.

Polygamy

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