We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

My DD the bride will only be 20 yrs old at the wedding. The grooms parents have not and will not pay for anything at all! The liquor is traditionally the grooms side responsibility. But since it is all up to us and she is not of age I don't feel obligated.
Also, we are inviting to just the reception for some friends and her old classmates. We are serving a "midnight" snack of pizza and soda.
Anyone else think this is ok?
Many opinions around here seem to think this is fine. I do beleive the problem we will have is the only children invited are out of town guests children. This was tough for me to swallow! I would prefer not to have them, much to my suprise, EVERYONE is coming!

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:094ade01-c8ef-400a-b02f-398236d3697e">We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE] My DD the bride will only be 20 yrs old at the wedding. The grooms parents have not and will not pay for anything at all! The liquor is traditionally the grooms side responsibility. But since it is all up to us and she is not of age I don't feel obligated. Also, we are inviting to just the reception for some friends and her old classmates. We are serving a "midnight" snack of pizza and soda. <strong> Anyone else think this is ok?</strong> Many opinions around here seem to think this is fine. I do beleive the problem we will have is the only children invited are out of town guests children. This was tough for me to swallow! I would prefer not to have them, much to my suprise, EVERYONE is coming!
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]
What? <div>The midnight snack or the reception only invites? </div><div>Yes to the snack. No to the invites.</div><div>You don't have to have a bar at all if you don't want.</div>

livnsamsmama · August 2012

why are you inviting people to the reception only? Is the ceremony space too small to invite them all to it?

rajahmd · August 2012

Don't have a cash bar, and don't have reception only invites. Neither one is very respectful for your guests. If you don't want to pay for alcohol because your daughter isn't old enough to partake, just have a dry wedding.

strlzfan11 · August 2012

The groom's parents are not obligated to pay for any parts of their son's wedding. If they OFFER to pay that is their choice, but it is not required. People often mix up traditional expenses with required expenses. How they choose to spend their money is none of your business.

Cash bars are rude, but are more acceptable in some areas than others. Are you hosting other drinks? You need to host something. It is perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding, especially if the either the bride or groom is underage.

Unless you are having a truly intimate ceremony (parents, siblings, and maybe grandparents), it is NOT acceptable to invite people to the reception without inviting them to the ceremony (and vice versa). You need to invite everyone to both parts of the day.

ThankfulSnail · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:094ade01-c8ef-400a-b02f-398236d3697e">We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE] My DD the bride will only be 20 yrs old at the wedding. The grooms parents have not and will not pay for anything at all! The liquor is traditionally the grooms side responsibility. But since it is all up to us and she is not of age I don't feel obligated. Also, we are inviting to just the reception for some friends and her old classmates. We are serving a "midnight" snack of pizza and soda. Anyone else think this is ok? Many opinions around here seem to think this is fine. I do beleive the problem we will have is the only children invited are out of town guests children. This was tough for me to swallow! I would prefer not to have them, much to my suprise, EVERYONE is coming!
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]
It's very generous of you to help your daughter pay for her wedding, but parents are under no obligation to do so and it's rude to assume the groom's family should have been responsible for X or Y expense. Just because you don't want to pay for liquor doesn't mean you need to have a cash bar. An appropriate response to this would have been to have a dry wedding, which I think makes total sense when the B&G are not of age. Guests should not have to open their wallets at a wedding, so a cash bar is rude.<div>
</div><div>Why are those friends only invited to the reception? Is it a space thing with the ceremony? It can't be a money thing, since the reception is the expensive part. Regardless, tiering their invitations would be extremely rude. Either invite them to both the ceremony and reception or to neither.</div>

libby2483 · August 2012

I don't know if you are just trying to rile people up, but when you are doing several things against etiquette, and ask people's opinions of it on an etiquette forum, you will not be very well-received.

Carson386 · August 2012

Where I am from, cash bars are very common, but I have also been to weddings in other areas where a cash bar is considered rude. We aren't having any alcohol at our reception because of other issues with famiy. My fiance's family never offered to help pay for anything, which was fine- it just means that they don't have a say in what hapens (that might sound rude but, it's true). Also, as the bride's parent- you don't HAVE TO pay for anything. When we first started planning, my parents weren't going to help pay. We planned on paying ourselves and having a VERY small wedding (like immediate family only). When my parents realized they couldn't have their friends of the family there, things changed and hey offered a specific amount of money- we are paying for the rest on our own. It's the bride & groom's responsibility to pay for the wedding unless offered money by parents.

Kate61487 · August 2012

I'm getting the impression that the "reception only" invites are AFTER dinner invites, hence the mention of the midnight snack.

OP - The only people responsible for paying for you daughter's wedding are your daughter and her FI. It's very nice of you to offer to host your daughter's wedding, but don't put such a stress on yourself for it. Have a dry wedding, cut the guest list so that you can invite everyone to EVERY part, have the wedding at a non meal time so that you can just serve apps or cake and punch. There are a lot of ways to cut wedding expenses without being rude to your guests, cash bar and tiered receptions are NOT the way.

NOLAbridealmost · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:094ade01-c8ef-400a-b02f-398236d3697e">We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE] My DD the bride will only be 20 yrs old at the wedding. The grooms parents have not and will not pay for anything at all! The liquor is traditionally the grooms side responsibility. But since it is all up to us and she is not of age I don't feel obligated. Also, we are inviting to just the reception for some friends and her old classmates. We are serving a "midnight" snack of pizza and soda. Anyone else think this is ok? Many opinions around here seem to think this is fine. I do beleive the problem we will have is the only children invited are out of town guests children. This was tough for me to swallow! I would prefer not to have them, much to my suprise, EVERYONE is coming!
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]

<div>Uh, you ARE rude! </div><div>
</div><div>It's not okay. It doesn't matter if your daughter is underage or her FI's parents aren't paying. Who<em>ever</em> is hosting needs to see to it that there's not a cash bar. Just don't have booze at all---you're not obligated to provide drinks, but if drinks are offered they must be paid for. </div><div>
</div><div>Skip the midnight snack and pay for meals for ALL invited guests; no one should be invited to only one part of the wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously woman, set a good example for your daughter. Don't send her off into adulthood thinking that this is how you treat people. </div>

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

I knew this would be a hot topic. However, it IS what we are doing and everyone in this region and everyone polled said they think it is fine. My drinking friends and relatives said they would like the option to have a drink and they don't mind paying for it. We are hosting non alcoholic beverages. Also, it is a blended family so the family ties up almost all of the dinner seats. The reception only invites are mostly for the bride and grooms co-workers that they want to be able to stop in and say hello. My DD works at a large restaurant and has been there a long time. Also, the God father to the bride lives in a very central local and hosted a pre party and will be hosting a day after present opening. He has some pals that helped and will help with set p and tear down, these are knew friends to us, and want them to be included. Everyone invited to the reception only was pleased to be included and knows family has the space tied up. If the person coming isn't offended why do other people get so upset about it. It IS working well for us.

Is there anyone who is doing this? I was hoping to chat with someone who has done it.

ThankfulSnail · August 2012

Also, I would love to know where you found these "many opinions around here" that indicated to you that these plans were fine.

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:71fc04c5-d314-4682-9fdc-f49a44c619d6">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know if you are just trying to rile people up, but when you are doing several things against etiquette, and ask people's opinions of it on an etiquette forum, you will not be very well-received.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

I understand this, however I thought I would find someone who likes it. Maybe I should have posted in Chit Chat. Also Iwant to let people know that it is working.

achiduck · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:5c2f1d8d-d65e-410a-a210-5f765959a70e">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew this would be a hot topic. However, it IS what we are doing and everyone in this region and everyone polled said they think it is fine. My drinking friends and relatives said they would like the option to have a drink and they don't mind paying for it. We are hosting non alcoholic beverages. Also, it is a blended family so the family ties up almost all of the dinner seats. The reception only invites are mostly for the bride and grooms co-workers that they want to be able to stop in and say hello. My DD works at a large restaurant and has been there a long time. Also, the God father to the bride lives in a very central local and hosted a pre party and will be hosting a day after present opening. He has some pals that helped and will help with set p and tear down, these are knew friends to us, and want them to be included. Everyone invited to the reception only was pleased to be included and knows family has the space tied up. If the person coming isn't offended why do other people get so upset about it. It IS working well for us. <strong>Is there anyone who is doing this? I was hoping to chat with someone who has done it.</strong>
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Then I suggest you post this on your local board if you think that it's more of the "norm" in your area. This is the Etiquette board and expecting people to pay for the wedding, having a cash bar and a tiered reception so people WILL tell you what you're doing is tacky and very rude.

</div>

NOLAbridealmost · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:5c2f1d8d-d65e-410a-a210-5f765959a70e">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there anyone who is doing this? I was hoping to chat with someone who has done it.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]

<div>You're not going to find them on this board as this is a board full of people who actually care about proper etiquette and what you're doing is so unbelievably rude that it's shocking. </div><div>
</div><div>Try your local board or month board or try Weddingbee. Much more likely to find similarly tacky people there.</div>

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:32f9c496-1cc1-4432-bb33-96c2765c84e8">Re:We ARE having a cash bar! amp; We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you asked, no I don't think it is okay. It is no one's responsibility but the couple's to pay for their wedding. It is very gracious of you to pay for it, but if you don't want to pay for alcohol and your daughter is under age, just have a dry wedding. Don't make the guests pay for it. Also, it is only okay to invite people to just the reception if it is a small private ceremony and the majority of the guestlist is coming to only the reception. Ironically, inviting some kids and not others is the only thing in your post I wouldn't find offensive as a guest.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I do believe the children issue will be the only thing people are unhappy about. I don't know how to fix that though.

ThankfulSnail · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:5c2f1d8d-d65e-410a-a210-5f765959a70e">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew this would be a hot topic. However, it IS what we are doing and everyone in this region and everyone polled said they think it is fine. My drinking friends and relatives said they would like the option to have a drink and they don't mind paying for it. We are hosting non alcoholic beverages. Also, it is a blended family so the family ties up almost all of the dinner seats. The reception only invites are mostly for the bride and grooms co-workers that they want to be able to stop in and say hello. My DD works at a large restaurant and has been there a long time. Also, the God father to the bride lives in a very central local and hosted a pre party and will be hosting a day after present opening. He has some pals that helped and will help with set p and tear down, these are knew friends to us, and want them to be included. Everyone invited to the reception only was pleased to be included and knows family has the space tied up. If the person coming isn't offended why do other people get so upset about it. It IS working well for us. Is there anyone who is doing this? I was hoping to chat with someone who has done it.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]<div>Now you answered my question, it's not people around here on TK but local friends and family. People have a much harder time telling you you're being rude to your face than strangers on the internet who have no fear of offending you.
Why did you ask about this if this is what you are going and you are unwilling to change your mind? Sorry, but you aren't going to find supporters on the etiquette message board. The fact that you're looking for validation or others who are doing the same thing in the first place indicates to me that you know that you are being rude but are doing it anyway.</div>

GloriosusEtLiber · August 2012

OP, I don't think you're going to find anyone on the Etiquette board who has done this since what you're doing breaks numerous rules of etiqutte.

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:5c2f1d8d-d65e-410a-a210-5f765959a70e">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]I knew this would be a hot topic. <strong>However, it IS what we are doing</strong> and <strong>everyone in this region and everyone polled said they think it is fine.</strong> My drinking friends and relatives said they would like the option to have a drink and they don't mind paying for it. We are hosting non alcoholic beverages. Also, it is a blended family so the family ties up almost all of the dinner seats. The reception only invites are mostly for the bride and grooms co-workers that they want to be able to stop in and say hello. My DD works at a large restaurant and has been there a long time. Also, the God father to the bride lives in a very central local and hosted a pre party and will be hosting a day after present opening. He has some pals that helped and will help with set p and tear down, these are knew friends to us, and want them to be included. Everyone invited to the reception only was pleased to be included and knows family has the space tied up. If the person coming isn't offended why do other people get so upset about it. It IS working well for us. Is there anyone who is doing this? I was hoping to chat with someone who has done it.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]
Then why ask for opinions if you basically don't care? <div>
</div><div>Every single person in the region was polled? Doubtful.</div>

lyndausvi · August 2012

I don't get the point of this post.

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

Did any of you who find this rude mention where you were registered in your wedding invites? You are ONLY suppose to mention gift registry at a shower. Never the wedding invite. I am sure it worked for you. All I am saying is that this is working. I should have posted it on another board.

wrigleyville · August 2012

People aren't going to tell you you're being rude to your face.

A year ago, a friend told me she was on a super tight budget for her wedding and could only invite so many people for dinner, but the rest of us would be welcome to come later for dancing. I said, "I know... weddings are expensive. Don't worry about it."

I judged her pretty hardcore internally, though. What I really wanted to say was, "Have a cheaper meal or cut your expenses elsewhere," but she is my friend and I didn't want to start anything. I bit my tongue when I got my RSVP card (no postage) and an insert asking for cash instead of gifts too.

A lot of people may say something is fine, but that doesn't mean it is.

crash2729 · August 2012

What?

No. Sure didn't say where I was registered in my wedding invite.

Good for you that it's "working". It's still rude, and I'm sure that some people are offended but they won't say it to your face, they'll just talk behind your back.

wrigleyville · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:81e1ff95-29ec-466e-9bdf-3fca83f5974d">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Did any of you who find this rude mention where you were registered in your wedding invites? </strong>You are ONLY suppose to mention gift registry at a shower. Never the wedding invite. I am sure it worked for you. All I am saying is that this is working. I should have posted it on another board.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]
No, we are not. Registry info doesn't belong in the wedding invitations.<div>
</div><div>You definitely should have posted on another board. This is the Etiquette board, and you are not following etiquette.</div>

NOLAbridealmost · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:81e1ff95-29ec-466e-9bdf-3fca83f5974d">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Did any of you who find this rude mention where you were registered in your wedding invites?</strong> You are ONLY suppose to mention gift registry at a shower. Never the wedding invite. I am sure it worked for you. All I am saying is that this is working. I should have posted it on another board.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]

<div>No.</div><div>
</div><div>You are correct that mentioning the registry in the wedding invites is rude which is why, again, you aren't likely to find anyone here who did that either.</div><div>
</div><div>Whether something "works" and whether something is "rude" are two completely different concepts. For example, hiring a bouncer to keep people from bringing in their significant others would WORK at keeping them out, but excluding them in any way (bouncer, failing to invite them, etc) is still RUDE. Get the difference? </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Something that "works" accomplishes a goal; something that comports with etiquette accomplishes the same goal without offending people or looking like a huge thundercvnt.</div>

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:3fab93b1-f1cf-4c96-b00b-6407358125ca">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only! : Then why ask for opinions if you basically don't care? Every single person in the region was polled? Doubtful.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I wanted to get it out there that this CAN work and chat with someone else who did it. Also, since you are offended by my situation (and u r right people on here don't care if they offend me) but my very honest GF's and family all liked this plan. Did you live with your groom or did anyone here who is offeneded? My DD will not till they are married, but co habitation seems to be ok now too. I wasn't looking for an argument I was looking for a productive discussion on this.

ThankfulSnail · August 2012

WTF? No... I have never even seen a wedding invitation with registry info, and if I had, I would think they're incredibly tacky.

Are you trying to trick the etiquette board into admitting a faux pas? You might want to pick a lesser-known one than that.

We're trying to tell you that this is NOT working and people will judge you or have hurt feelings due to the way they're being treated, as guests at your daughter's wedding. But if you don't want advice and are just looking for validation, I agree with PPs who said that weddingbee is a GREAT place for you.

NOLAbridealmost · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:c1b45529-08f2-4533-864b-65c096200fa4">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only! : I wanted to get it out there that this CAN work and chat with someone else who did it. Also, since you are offended by my situation (and u r right people on here don't care if they offend me) but my very honest GF's and family all liked this plan. <strong>Did you live with your groom or did anyone here who is offeneded? My DD will not till they are married, but co habitation seems to be ok now too.</strong> I wasn't looking for an argument I was looking for a productive discussion on this.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]

<div>Cohabitation has nothing to do with properly hosting a guest at an event. This is completely irrelevant to the issue of whether you're being rude by having cash bar, tiered reception, and asking for gifts in invitation. </div><div>
</div><div>It's never "rude" to live with someone before marriage (even if it does go against some people's morals) because whether someone else chooses to live with another person is none of anyone's business because it doesn't affect their own life or comfort at all. </div>

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_we-are-having-a-cash-bar-we-are-sending-reception-invites-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:85575f50-825e-48ca-a125-aa149cdbee3ePost:c1b45529-08f2-4533-864b-65c096200fa4">Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We ARE having a cash bar! & We ARE sending reception invites only! : I wanted to get it out there that this CAN work and chat with someone else who did it. Also, since you are offended by my situation (and u r right people on here don't care if they offend me) <strong>but my very honest GF's and family all liked this plan</strong>. <strong>Did you live with your groom or did anyone here who is offeneded?</strong> My DD will not till they are married, but co habitation seems to be ok now too. I wasn't looking for an argument I was looking for a productive discussion on this.
Posted by MomoftheBriade[/QUOTE]
1.That is not "everyone in the region". Your friends aren't going to tell you you're rude and tacky no matter how honest they are. <div>
</div><div>2.What does this have to do with a tiered reception or putting registry inserts in an invitation?</div>

ThankfulSnail · August 2012

Living with your significant other before marriage is not against wedding etiquette. Nothing about my apartment with my FI causes my wedding guests to be uncomfortable on my wedding day. If I didn't invite them to the ceremony or to dinner at the reception and only for "late night snacks", therefore saying they are only important enough to bring me a gift and eat less expensive food, or if I were not properly hosting their drinks, that would be agains wedding etiquette and would make my guests uncomfortable. See the difference?

aurianna · August 2012

It sounds like she's already done it so there's no going back now.

Just because people you sent the "hey, we don't like you enough to feed you, but you should still come by and give my daughter presents"-invites didn't say anything negative about them to your face doesn't mean people were actually 100% ok with it. Some people don't like being rude and will act gracious even when they don't really want to.

Also, not sure if MN is where you're having the wedding, but if it is... as my husband is from there I've been to several weddings near the cities and have never once only been invited to part of the wedding. Also, one of the weddings, after cocktail hour, the bar went from open to cash for everyone but the bridal party... and believe me, there was a lot of muttering and hard feelings amongst the guests I was seated with... but no one said a word to the hosts so they never knew how rude we thought it was.
So... if that's the region you're talking about, I think you're getting misinformation.

I would change your venue and find one that would seat everyone and is less expensive so you can host wine and beer or just go dry. Call up everyone you sent the gift-grabby-pity-vite to and apologize for the invite they were sent, say of course they're welcome to the whole wedding.

That's the advice you'll get from the etiquitte board.

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