getting married on the DL?

laurenpm · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:6838a5f5-b7ab-4c0b-8b4a-66e9039b6ed1">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : You couldn't make yourself sound more condescending if you tried. OP, just go do it. Lie to your friends and family (and it IS intentional, because you know you're doing it), have your JOP, then having your big fake wedding. You're going to do it anyway, regardless of what we've said, and even if it's against etiquette. So just do it.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]
Yep. Stop stamping your foot and just do whatever your little heart desires.

Beachy730 · May 2011

H and I considered this for about a millisecond when I broke my wrist and needed surgery a week before my teaching contract was up and I was losing my insurance. Then we realized what a horrible idea it was and we would figure it out. I was able to get COBRA insurance for $175 a month, which was a lot but I swung it. All I know is that the look in my parents and grandparents eyes when I got married for the FIRST and only time was worth every penny I paid. Had I been lying to them, I would have felt like the world's biggest piece of trash.

mica178 · May 2011

OP -- talk with your FI, but as a Catholic who has been involved in marriage preparation with other couples, I have to say that your idea is not great. Marrying in secret for insurance would be considered a mortal sin (false witness, disrespect of parents, adultery), so you would not be able to take Communion until things got resolved. Many priests will decline to do a convalidation for a couple that married civilly for insurance purposes, but even if yours does, he'll likely refuse to lie for you, so he will call it a vow renewal, not a marriage. Most priests do not allow for big, grandiose convalidations.

I would suggest that you follow the PPs' advice and get insurance on your own if you want your big wedding celebration. If that's not an option, then consider getting married sooner in a small church wedding. You can have a blow out anniversary party in 10 years.

Good luck with your planning.

Wiscisbliss · May 2011

Seriously, look into catastrophic insurance. I think it is a great solution to your conundrum.

I understand that hearing the word "lying" is hurting your feelings, but other posters are trying to prevent you from hurting the feelings of your family. If you really think that your family will not care that you got legally married in a courthouse and kept it secret from them, then go for it. I know that it would hurt my family.

You keep bringing up what the Catholic vs Courthouse means to your family. What will the courthouse mean to you? Will you consider the two of you to be married? Because you will be. It will be very, very real. (For example - if it doesn't work out, you will have to get a lawyer and a divorce) I did not have a courthouse wedding, but maybe another poster can explain what it entails. I believe you have to say vows/I dos.

SoonToBeMrsH0309 · May 2011

The last 3 PP, thats kind of what I was expecting as a reply to my question, NOT having people call me a liar and a theif or that we were getting married just for sex.

Wiscisbliss- I know that we would have been legally married. We were going to not live together as a married couple until the church wedding. I know that would have meant divorce if we split before the church wedding.

Thank you for the advise on catastrophic insurance. Before this morning, I wasen't even looking at that. I was looking for insurance comprobale to what I had had before.

SoonToBeMrsH0309 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:6838a5f5-b7ab-4c0b-8b4a-66e9039b6ed1">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? :<strong> You couldn't make yourself sound more condescending if you tried. </strong>OP, just go do it. Lie to your friends and family (and it IS intentional, because you know you're doing it), have your JOP, then have your big fake wedding. You're going to do it anyway, regardless of what we've said, and even if it's against etiquette. So just do it.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

I wasen't trying to br condenscending. I was just saying that every ones idea of a meaningfull wedding cermony is different. I have been to many beautiful outdoor wedding cermonies that were perfectly planned with the couples interests and personalities in mind.

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:ea99c5b6-6f03-4651-ae12-b38d16987fdf">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]The last 3 PP, thats kind of what I was expecting as a reply to my question, NOT having people call me a liar and a theif or that we were getting married just for sex. Wiscisbliss- I know that we would have been legally married. We were going to not live together as a married couple until the church wedding. I know that would have meant divorce if we split before the church wedding. Thank you for the advise on catastrophic insurance. Before this morning, I wasen't even looking at that. I was looking for insurance comprobale to what I had had before.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

<div>Well I guess it's your lucky morning, because I can be the biggest bitch about this subject when I want to be. I'm a military wife, and see every excuse imaginable for why they need to lie about their JOP, when truly there is no reason to lie about it. You said yourself that it will only cost $25. So to me, that's saying that your love and marital committment can be bought for $25. Ask yourself if that's truly worth cheating yourself out of everything you have the Catholic wedding worked up to be. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, I have a friend who tried doing this, and her parents found out and are still bitter about it, almost 2 years later. People always find out some way or another. If you're going to do it, just be honest about it. Why on earth would you want to start your marriage out by lying to everyone you love for a year? </div><div>
</div><div>And yeah, I get that being called a liar is upsetting. But seriously, that's what you would be if you went through with this. Everyime you referred to him as your FI instead of your H, you would be lying. If you hate being called a liar, don't do it.</div>

mica178 · May 2011

OP -- please be aware that this is a public board. That means that we cannot control who posts or what they say. You've received some good advice, even if some of it was sarcastic or blunt. I suggest that you lurk a bit, try out the search function below if you have any questions (to see if other brides have asked similar ones), and consider visiting your local, month and culture-specific boards (see menu on the left).

baystateapple · May 2011

I love you hard, DNB.

OP, I don't care if you didn't mean for it to come across as condescending. It did. H and I wanted our marriage blessed in the Catholic church, so that's what we did. I also didn't go around on a message board (full of ladies who aren't getting married in a religious ceremony) and talk about how MY FAMILY doesn't think that secular ceremonies are valid.

Your family can believe that the moon is made of green cheese. That doesn't make it real.

Birdie1483 · May 2011

I'll say it again.

PUBLIC RECORDS! You can't escape them!

Calypso1977 · May 2011

a priest most likely will consider a wedding moved up for insurance to be a marriage that is not entered into freely. you are entering into it to get something (i.e., insurance). its really no different than marrying someone for money.

you can find a way to pay for COBRA or your schools program. or shop around - find a plan with an insanely high deductible/co-pay - that will get you lower premiums. you just need something in the event of catastrophic incident.

jemmini6 · May 2011

My company doesn't offer insurance, so I had to buy my own. I pay $80/month for a $5000 deductible plan, which will also cover 3 doctor visits a year and pay 100% of my annual well-woman exam....that's it. If I had to go to the ER for a broken wrist (for example), I'd pay a $100 copay, then probably pay 100% of the x-ray, cast, etc. After I reach $5000 in bills, my insurance will cover 80%, but I still have a 20% coinsurance up to a max out of pocket of $7500.

FI on the other hand has ridiculously AMAZING insurance with his max out of pocket total being $100...yes, only $100. His company pays for 100% of his premium too, meaning he doesn't pay anything to have insurance. It covers EVERYTHING from dental, to vision, to maternity, even therapy. To add me as a spouse would only be another $100/mo.

And yet...we aren't married yet because I think insurance is probably the DUMBEST reason to get married. (especially when you don't have anything that requires immediate medical care). It's even more unexcusable when you plan to lie about it...and yes, you are lying no matter how you try to explain it away.

The point is, you are an adult and that comes with adult decisions. You can either get married now because you are too childish to buy your own insurance for a year and lie about it to your friends and family and have a fake ceremony later, or you can actually be an adult, buy priviate insurance for a year, then get married the right way for both you and your family. The choice is yours, but don't come crying to us when your family disowns you for lying to them...

firsttimersluck · May 2011

I think you should post this question in the military board. They give great advice on this topic there. :P

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:d2cd06ef-735b-4d93-9097-1e68fc6f12dc">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : Yeah, but there's plenty to address here without everybody getting all hoity-toity about internet usage. Benedict is not going to excommunicate her for taking advantage of the unsecured wireless signal that her neighbors are pumping through her apartment. She's certainly not breaking a commandment there.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

It's still not very ethical though. It's not a win-win situation. By using someone else's bandwidth you're affecting THEIR internet speed and productivity and they are therefore paying for bandwidth they are not using. Someone else is.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:6eee8b04-759a-423b-99f1-7840f3ba9bff">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : no, it was helpful. There was just a lot of people being rude about the situation. Everyone was just jumping on the bandwagon of I was intentional trying to decieve my family which wasen't the case. Which goes back to us not considering a JOP wedding to be 'real' FOR OUR FAMILY. I don't flipping care if you get married in front of a tree. If thats how you would like to get married, thats fantastic. I am sure it will be beautiful and be meaningful TO YOU. We weren't even going to live together as husbend and wife until after the catholic wedding (which I know my church would do because they have in the past). So, the only benifit of a JOP would be CHEAP health insurence. <strong>It was going to cost like $25 out of his bi-weekly paycheck.</strong>
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

When I worked at Starbucks my health insurance was also like $25 out of my bi-weekly paycheck. And I only had to work 20 hours per week to qualify. I think you have a lot of options, here.

I would also like to say that my JOP marriage has many, many benefits other than cheap health insurance. I assure you, the state government, federal government, and insurance company will consider you to be married. And isn't that the point? Trying to convince them you are married? Well guess what, you would be. I can think the sky is yellow, but that doesn't make it so. You can think your legal marriage "doesn't count" but it sure does.

lyndausvi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:dce18024-7ad6-42c2-9c05-eaf8d3c29748">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : When I worked at Starbucks my health insurance was also like $25 out of my bi-weekly paycheck. And I only had to work 20 hours per week to qualify. I think you have a lot of options, here. I would also like to say that my JOP marriage has many, many benefits other than cheap health insurance.<strong> I assure you, the state government, federal government, and insurance company will consider you to be married. And isn't that the point? </strong>Trying to convince them you are married? Well guess what, you would be. I can think the sky is yellow, but that doesn't make it so. You can think your legal marriage "doesn't count" but it sure does.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good point. You will now have to file as a married couple. How will that effect your taxes? What about any financial aid? Loans? Are there income limits where you live? They will now consider it joint income.</div><div>
</div><div>Getting a JOP does not only give you cheap insurance, it can have other consequences also.</div><div>

</div>

airair44 · May 2011

wow how judgemental are some of these posts? those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... not that i am agreeing or disagreeing with the topic but people are being a little harsh and I am sure they have never fudged a thing in the world.

Rosie109 · May 2011

I personally don't live in a glass house, nor am I planning on lying to my family about being married. WINNING

annakb8 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:624e5e8e-5969-43c8-b9e6-a442a681609a">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]wow how judgemental are some of these posts? <strong>those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones</strong>... not that i am agreeing or disagreeing with the topic but people are being a little harsh and I am sure they have never fudged a thing in the world.
Posted by airair44[/QUOTE]

I don't think you understand this saying.

Rosie109 · May 2011

For some reason I am thinking about the new episode of True Life that came out and it had the chick on it who was embarassed that she was black so she lied to all of her friends and said she was costa rican BECAUSE she thought being black was lame and not "cool"

The point of this story is, I lie sometimes. I sometimes lie about what time I went to sleep. I do. I don't lie about being married and I don't lie about what race I am because its not cool.

OBX2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:624e5e8e-5969-43c8-b9e6-a442a681609a">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]wow how judgemental are some of these posts? those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... not that i am agreeing or disagreeing with the topic but people are being a little harsh and I am sure they have never fudged a thing in the world.
Posted by airair44[/QUOTE]

Ummmmmm fudging something and flat out LYING about your wedding are two very very different things.

P.S. You should lurk before adding your 2 cents....which you can have back now.\

Carla1019 · May 2011

I know people who didn't want to "Live in Sin" so they got married at the JOP and saved their money for a big church wedding. They told the truth to all their friends and family and no one cared.

All the people in your life that love you will support you.

I don't know your state laws but here in Texas if you live together for more than 8 months you are common law married. No one is telling these people to get a marriage renewal. We still come to the church and celebrate with them.

I agree that you shouldn't lie but hopefully you can tell your loved ones why you needed the JOP ceremony and they will understand.

jemmini6 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:c2f11c5f-7c7d-4f47-8eaf-8bfd95da3764">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : Ummmmmm fudging something and flat out LYING about your wedding are two very very different things. P.S. You should lurk before adding your 2 cents....which you can have back now.\
Posted by OBX2011[/QUOTE]

This, fudging something would be "Why yes, I do have a Vera Wang dress", when in fact it's Vera Wang White collection for Davids Bridal. You didn't quite lie, but you fudged a little insignificant detail for whatever reason.

Standing up in front of your family and friends taking your vows when no one knows that you did this a year ago, and this is just a fake...is lying. Referring to your husband as your fiance for a year in front of everyone is lying. Celebrating your anniversary on a different day each year is lying.

HUGE difference....

Calypso1977 · May 2011

I know people who didn't want to "Live in Sin" so they got married at the JOP and saved their money for a big church wedding.

as someone else said, if you are Catholic, marrying with a JOP is considered living in sin because while the state says you are married, the catholic church does not.

thesequel · May 2011

If you sign a marriage certificate/document you are married....not pretend married, actually married.

missy68 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:624e5e8e-5969-43c8-b9e6-a442a681609a">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]wow how judgemental are some of these posts? <strong>those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... not that i am agreeing or disagreeing with the topic but people are being a little harsh and I am sure they have never fudged a thing in the world.
</strong>Posted by airair44[/QUOTE]

Let's see... we have our own internet wireless (locked down), pay our correct taxes, pay our bills on time, got married by an officiant (reverend or JOP - I don't remember) in Las Vegas, and EVERYONE KNEW!! So yeah - bite it. My "house" is made firmly of brick and wood (and some damn siding that has to go).

jsleik · May 2011

Dear OP,

You asked a big question that has a lot of implications. And you got a range of answers. I recommend taking a deep breath. The reading what CMGr wrote. She has great advice.

You asked a very big question and asked if anyone had any experience with this situation. Many posters wrote back - they had gone to weddings where the couple had married on the DL. They gave you their honest feedback on that. It hurt. They felt like they were lied to. Families were hurt by this kind of thing. Other posters gave you suggestions on ways to get insurance without having to take such dramatic measures. This is what you asked for.

You said you didn't want to be called a liar. However, if you look at many of those posts again, you will see that people said, "IF you do this thing you say you are going to do, THEN the people you love most in the world are going to be hurt. IF you do this, THEN you are lying." You have not done this yet. So at this point, you are not lying to your friends and family. But what everyone is saying to you is think about how you will feel if you do this. Will you feel like a liar? The advice you got was all trying to help you. Everyone who said not to do this was saying, "You will regret this. This will not turn out like you expect. There is more to this picture than just one person keeping a secret or getting health insurance. Save yourself heartache. Don't hurt your friends and family by doing something that will make them feel like you betrayed their trust in you." They may have said this rather bluntly. But at the end of the day, these strangers showed you kindness by taking the time to read your question and to write an answer to you. You do not have to take that advice, but you did ask for it and it was given to you. They were trying to help you avoid a bigger problem for you that you might not see by sharing their experiences and opinions.

Ultimately, you and your finance will have to decide what you are going to do. And so I come back to my original advice - listen to CMGr. She said ask your priest. Clearly your priest does share you values and you value what he thinks. Sleep on it. Pray on it. In then end, I hope you do what is right for you.

GeauxTigers17 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:49ba5c28-bb19-4c18-b61f-1fae644cd08c">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know people who didn't want to "Live in Sin" so they got married at the JOP and saved their money for a big church wedding. They told the truth to all their friends and family and no one cared. All the people in your life that love you will support you.<strong> I don't know your state laws but here in Texas if you live together for more than 8 months you are common law married. </strong>No one is telling these people to get a marriage renewal. We still come to the church and celebrate with them.<strong> </strong> I agree that you shouldn't lie but hopefully you can tell your loved ones why you needed the JOP ceremony and they will understand.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

<div>This is so wrong. Don't spout off legal advice when you don't know the law. Common law marriage is called "informal marriage" in Texas, and how long you cohabitate has nothing to do with it. You have to live together, yes, but you also have to show <em>evidence of an agreement to be married </em> and you have to show that you publicly represented yourself to others as a married couple. This is in section 2.401 of the Texas Family Code.</div>

nycheryl · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:a74c6a6f-5ba5-44f1-9f85-4163090ce0e2">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : Nope, I was hoping I would get a <strong>responce</strong>. I was just thinking that I would have gotten more of the helpful suggestions and less of the 'bitchy only read the parts that you can argue about' <strong>responces</strong>. I am <strong>appricatative </strong>of the helpful ones.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

*headdesk*

dragonwagon · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:4b21b71c-aeec-4910-9fe7-09cb2e4c4f6e">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you're under 26, you are required by law to be covered by your parents' insurance</strong>. If not, look into domestic partner coverage before the wedding. Not all companies have it, but your BF's might. United Healthcare is also somewhat reasonably priced and I had no problems with them when I was making about $500 a month before I got my current job. Since I actually HAVE health problems, and they didn't make me broke, it works out.
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

I'm not so sure about "required by law". My brother is 23 and pays his own health insurance, because he chose to do so. If he wanted to be covered by my parents insurance, the law <em>allows</em> that to be. But it's not required by law that all people 26 and younger be covered. Otherwise, my family and I are breaking the law.

getting married on the DL?

Re: getting married on the DL?

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