Gift or No Gift?

DMD29 · May 2010

Hi ladies, I need some advice & I'm getting lots of different opinions. I hope you'll be able to help me. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I got married this past fall & I invited an old friend from grad school. I hadn't seen her since graduation; I saw her again almost 4 years later, after I got engaged. I met her live-in boyfriend, who told me that he wouldn't be able to accompany my friend to my wedding due to a family issue. Since I hadn't seen or talked to my old friend in so long, I hadn't planned on inviting her, but she seemed really excited, so I invited her. She turned down the invitation to my bridal shower but sent a small gift. She then RSVPed "no" to the wedding invite with no excuse, she just checked the "no" box and never sent a gift. I thought maybe it was b/c she'd be uncomfortable without her boyfriend, but there were plenty of people and mutual friends she would know.

Fast-forward: old friend is now engaged. A mutual friend called me up to see if I'd gotten the save-the-date card (2 weeks later, I still haven't). I don't know when the wedding date is, but I got the shower invitation in the mail. I RSVPed no to the MOH & sent a small gift. Since I have a grandfather and FIL in the hospital with cancer, I will not be going to the wedding, as it is 1500 miles away. My question is, do I send a wedding gift? If so, what?

nda_roxybabe · May 2010

It's up to you if you send a gift or not.
Are you thinking of not sending a gift because she did not send you one?

thesuninherhead · May 2010

I personally would just send a card if I were in this situation. It doesn't sound like you're particularly close in any case.

PsyDet 2155 · May 2010

I think sending a nice card would be appropriate.

samurai21 · May 2010

Send a gift if you want to, but if you're only considering not sending a gift because she didn't send you one, then I think that's dumb.

That part aside though, I would probably send a nice card with a small gift card to where they're registered, nothing too extravagant considering you're not that close anyway.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-gift-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:41591144-2e80-4a11-bf2a-a01b7a19686ePost:4e3d52da-b5c1-432d-814e-0959057124a7">Gift or No Gift?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies, I need some advice & I'm getting lots of different opinions. I hope you'll be able to help me. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I got married this past fall & I invited an old friend from grad school. I hadn't seen her since graduation; I saw her again almost 4 years later, after I got engaged. I met her live-in boyfriend, who told me that he wouldn't be able to accompany my friend to my wedding due to a family issue. Since I hadn't seen or talked to my old friend in so long, I hadn't planned on inviting her, but she seemed really excited, so I invited her. She turned down the invitation to my bridal shower but sent a small gift. She then RSVPed "no" to the wedding invite with no excuse, she just checked the "no" box and never sent a gift. I thought maybe it was b/c she'd be uncomfortable without her boyfriend, but there were plenty of people and mutual friends she would know. Fast-forward: old friend is now engaged. A mutual friend called me up to see if I'd gotten the save-the-date card (2 weeks later, I still haven't). I don't know when the wedding date is, but I got the shower invitation in the mail. I RSVPed no to the MOH & sent a small gift. Since I have a grandfather and FIL in the hospital with cancer, I will not be going to the wedding, as it is 1500 miles away. My question is, do I send a wedding gift? If so, what?
Posted by DMD29[/QUOTE]

Personally, if I hadn't received an STD, I would be a bit aggravated if I received a shower invite. It also sounds awfully early for a shower if STDs just went out 2 weeks ago. Anyway, if there's no official invite, you don't have to send a gift but it's completely up to you if it's in your budget<u> regardless of whether or not she sent you a gift at your wedding.</u> I agree with the others that a nice card would suffice.

Blueyed228 · May 2010

I dont base my gift giving on gifts that I have received from said person.

If you are not in a financial position to send a gift, then dont. If you are and want to, then send one.

I would at least send a card.

stillundecided4 · May 2010

I'd send a card, but probably skip the gift. It doesn't sound like you're close friends anyway.

Lisa50 · May 2010

I believe etiquette dictates that, if you have not been invited, do not send a gift (Is that the answer you were looking for?). However, mushiness might guide you to send a gift if you really want to and not to expect anything, i.e., an invitation, in return.

As others have posted, a nice card would certainly suffice.

Best of luck!!

Butterstick · May 2010

I would wait until you get the invite. And then once you do, if your financial situation allows you to, send a gift. I always thought etiquette was if you receive a wedding invitation but can't go, you should still send a small gift. But, until you receive the invite, I wouldn't worry about it. I woudln't not send a gift just because she didn't, but I also wouldn't buy an extravagant gift, just something small off the registry.

emilyinchile · May 2010

I wouldn't send a gift if I hadn't been invited to the wedding, which it sounds like you haven't.

DMD29 · May 2010

Thanks ladies! I appreciate the feedback. I am going to send a small gift IF I receive a wedding invite, but something tells me I'm on the B-list.

ootmother2 · June 2010

E. Post states that if you are invited to a wedding you send a gift even if you don't attend.

I would send a small gift as you already snet a shower gift and are not attending the wedding.

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