Alcohol at reception?

dirtymartini · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:1a7a6f0c-f409-4c4e-a6ab-bbec7f16fa15">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, a cash bar is rude. You don't make your guests pull out their wallets at an event you are supposed to be hosting. [/QUOTE]

This. Guests should not be expected to pay for anything at your wedding. If you are making them pay for things, then don't call them your guests. You can call them attendees or whatever else you like, but don't fool yourself into thinking they are your guests if you're having them pull their wallets out. Also, I've never been to a reception without alcohol, but I've heard from all the people who have, that it feels uptight and no fun.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Yes, a cash bar is rude. Your ceremony is about you. The reception is where you recieve your guests and thank them for coming to witness you get married. The point is that you host them.

You don't have to have alcohol, a full meal, favors, whatever. But what you do have should be provided for your guests. Would you ask your guests to pay for their own meal? Would you charge for a slice of cake? A cash bar is just as rude.

cminetti23 · December 2009

My family and fiances family do not drink very much, So we decided to have an afternoon wedding and after the reception we are having an afterparty. It was a tricky situation for us because my family is comfortable around people who are drinking even though they do not drink, But my fiances family cannot stand being around people who are drinking, so we just had to compromise. We are just having champagne and wine for toasts and thats it. We are still having a dj and dancing too, you do not need to have alcohol to have a good time or dance at wedding. I have been to many dry weddings and they were alot of fun

pooh8402 · December 2009

cash bar is completely rude. you wouldn't invite people to a dinner party at your home, then charge them for the food, would you? same thing, but on a larger scale.

megk8oz · December 2009

Cash bar is rude. No, it really is. I'm not even going into the house party arguement here.

Look at it like this: would you charge guests for a slice of the cake? People don't NEED to eat a piece of cake to enjoy a wedding. However, desert DOES make people happy, and people have food addictions, I might add. Would you honestly say "Oh, well if I charge them for a piece of cake, then it's there if they want it, but at least I'm not completely enabling their obesity by putting it out there for free"?

There are ways around a cash bar if you can't afford an open bar: dry wedding, limited alcohol (Beer and wine). Asking people to open their wallets at something your hosting is just rude. People are already incurring attire, travel and gift expenses for you, you should be a good host in return.

Jamie124 · December 2009

I've read on these posts so many times about how rude cash bars are. Is it like a status thing?

If you want a dry reception, then have it. Don't do it cause you can't afford to have open bar. You'll probably regret it. And you don't want to stress about how much money it's going to cost to booze up 200+ people. I'm going to have a cash bar. I'll probably have a cocktail hour but that's it. If they want to continue drinking, they can pay.

No I don't ask people I invite to my house to pay for their food...HOWEVER I don't invite 200+ people to my house for a dinner party and I sure as hell don't buy all kinds of booze for people at my house. Everyone I know believes in BYOB. A casual dinner party at home and a formal wedding reception are a BIG difference.

Where I'm from flashing your cash is snotty. People will say worse things about you showing off your wealth than making them pay for a drink at a wedding. Especially when the bride and groom are paying for the whole thing. I really think people would understand a cash bar and if they are SO offended by it, then they can leave.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

No, it's not a status thing. Even my white trash relatives would be offended if they were asked to pay at my wedding.

It's about hosting your guests. Would you charge them for cake? Why do you think it is ok to charge them for other parts of your wedding? If you can't afford it, fine. Just don't have it.

Jamie124 · December 2009

Well I guess it's just a difference of opinion from location to location. I know my guests won't be offended. Even my white trash relatives. AND if they really are that offended, I don't care. Its enough work to try and organize the even to have to worry about what everyone will think do or say. We will be paying for our drinks all night also. We won't even be around for the cocktail hour to enjoy the drinks we already paid for!

I guess the point is do what you want to do, not what your mother-in-law, friends, cousins or anyone else says. In the end it's your decision. If I cared about what everyone thought, I'd never get anything done

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:b088cc9d-e941-42c3-8b8b-7618d55f9ea9">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE] Where I'm from flashing your cash is snotty. People will say worse things about you showing off your wealth than making them pay for a drink at a wedding. Especially when the bride and groom are paying for the whole thing. I really think people would understand a cash bar and if they are SO offended by it, then they can leave.
Posted by Jamie124[/QUOTE]

If your main entree is made from polar bear meat: THAT is "flashing your cash".

If your dress costs $40,000 because it was hand-made by silk-weavers from a secluded monastary in Tibet: THAT is "flashing your cash".

If your center pieces are ivory bird cages with planitum gilt and housing white doves: THAT is flashing your cash.

Not charging for alcohol is not "flashing your cash". It's being a good host. It's one thing is you're having a dry wedding for religious reasons or you live in an area where having any kind of alcohol is offensive.

But outside of either of those 2 scenarios, I'm sorry, there's is not a place on the planet where people are going to walk out of a wedding shaking their heads saying "Can you believe they had the nerve to NOT charge us for alcohol? Those hoity-toity snobs think they're better than us!"

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:e9724f09-90d4-4201-981d-5dc412f694eb">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]AND if they really are that offended, I don't care. Posted by Jamie124[/QUOTE]

If you don't care enough about them to treat them right, why are you even inviting them?

People will be offended. Cash bars are rude, and people know this. They probably have enough class that they'll never say a word to you about it. But they will realize that you are a poor host. If you don't care what they think, they shouldn't be on your guest list.

sharp70joc · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:b088cc9d-e941-42c3-8b8b-7618d55f9ea9">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]No I don't ask people I invite to my house to pay for their food...HOWEVER I don't invite 200+ people to my house for a dinner party and I sure as hell don't buy all kinds of booze for people at my house. Everyone I know believes in BYOB.

Where I'm from flashing your cash is snotty. People will say worse things about you showing off your wealth than making them pay for a drink at a wedding. Especially when the bride and groom are paying for the whole thing. I really think people would understand a cash bar and if they are SO offended by it, then they can leave.
Posted by Jamie124[/QUOTE]

I could not agree more. I am having an open (beer and wine) bar at my cocktail hour but only because it is included in my per person package cost. After that, it's a cash (beer and wine) bar. I am having a day wedding and that defintiely helps me justify keeping the bar offerings to a minimum.

After doing a LOT of reading on this and other boards, I think the perception of cash bars being rude is a regional thing. I'm in MA and have NEVER been to an open bar wedding.

Long story short - do what makes you comfortable.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:cef4c0b6-2577-4bd0-b3bf-ec8c88793435">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Look at it like this: would you charge guests for a slice of the cake? People don't NEED to eat a piece of cake to enjoy a wedding. However, desert DOES make people happy, and people have food addictions, I might add. Would you honestly say "Oh, well if I charge them for a piece of cake, then it's there if they want it, but at least I'm not completely enabling their obesity by putting it out there for free"?
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

This is a much better parallel than the house party scenario, Meg.

Ultimately, you're allowed to do whatever you want for your wedding, no one will stop you. But your friends and family are likewise allowed to think less of you for it, to leave the reception early because they are uncomfortable or unhappy, and to hold it against you for as long as they choose, and no one will stop them either.

I find it so amusing that the people who insist that cash bars aren't rude are the people who are having cash bars. If I come across a bride who is totally okay with cash bars but is having an open bar at her own wedding, I'll buy her a drink myself.

Jamie124 · December 2009

So showing people you care about them is by how much you give them? I didn't grow up in that house.

And $4000+ on a bar bill IS extravagant.

I hope they do realize that I AM a poor host. I'm not by any means rich, or even well off. But I do like to have a good time. And so don't the people I'm inviting. I think I know them better than you do. If you have that kind of money, then more power too ya.

But you know what, you're probalby right. If they were offended they would have enough class not to say anything. I'm sure glad that you don't to point that out to me. God forbid anyone have a difference in opinion.

sms274 · December 2009

I have been to quite a few weddings that did not serve alcohol and they are certainly not as fun and rarely do I see people on the dance floor, and especially not all night. If alcohol is a matter of cost, just make it a cash bar and let your guests decide if they want to drink. If hte opportunity is there I think that it will change the atmosphere of the event enough.

HTH

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Poor host meaning bad, not poor. If you can't afford something, don't have it. We couldn't afford steak. I sure didn't set up a cash grill. There just wasn't any steak.

So are you going to charge them for cake also? And why not just charge them for dinner? You could also charge X amount per minute on the dance floor so that they are covering an equal share of the DJ. These things are all exactly the same as charging for drinks.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

We're on a very tight budget, and certainly couldn't afford a full open bar. We shopped around until we found a caterer with a decent package on beer and wine, so that we could at least provide something. We're considering adding a couple of signature drinks to the package, but might not be able to afford it the extra $9/person. But I wouldn't ask my guests to kick in that extra $9 so they can have a martini. I'll just give them what I can afford.

Like I said, show me a bride that is fine with cash bar but doing all night open bar herself, and I'll buy that it's a matter of opinion. Otherwise, it's just trying to justify your own actions.

rmichalak · December 2009

This is your and your FI's choice...unless someone else is paying or contributing. I totally agree with a cash bar if you do not want alcohol.

PrincssGS · December 2009

IMO having a cash bar is equivalent to inviting your friends over to your house for a party and charging them for drinks. You're not making them pay to eat, why make them pay to drink?

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:ad144d21-395b-4fe8-9909-307a92c7f68b">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Poor host meaning bad, not poor. If you can't afford something, don't have it.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. I'm not some rich snobby girl that's having Daddy pay for my wedding. FI and I are footing the bill ourselves and are by no means "well off": we both work, we have a mortgage and utilities and all those lovely "grown up" expenses. And we are getting married in an area where unless you have a backyard BBQ, it gets expensive quickly. Like I've said earlier, in my neck of the woods you have an open or limited bar (Beer and wine), but you do not charge, and you do not have a dry wedding. FI and I worked very hard and crunched a lot of numbers and made tons of sacrifices to make our wedding as ideal as possible, and that included having the open bar. Sure, we didn't get to invite 200 people, and my dress isn't a custom Vera Wang, but dammit our wedding's going to be nice and the booze will be free!

And I, too, would love to meet the bride that approves of a cash bar that personally isn't doing one.

Jamie124 · December 2009

I am all for a cash bar if you can afford one. Not my point. My point is why it is such a big deal and why you are such a rude person if you can't afford to buy the booze. I think people would be more upset and want to leave early if there was none offered instead of paying for it. And I know you ment poor as poor character. I was playing on the words. Just because I can't afford to offer you something doesn't mean I'm a jerk.

And it's not the same as dinner party, sorry. I want to see you invite 200 or even 100 people to your house. Not gonna happen. And some of us don't have the option to invite less. Some people would be more offended to not be invited than to have to pay for their drinks.

Open bar is open ended. You have no idea how much it's going to be. You know right off the bat how much the dinner per person is going to be. You know how much a slice of cake will cost. You know how much the DJ per hour is going to be...You have an open bar and that's it, you don't know what the bill is till the end of the night. And if you truely open it up, drinks could be anywhere from $3 a beer to $7 a cocktail.

mbcdefg · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:0b8402fd-c26c-4162-8393-cad3f25f9f73">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]A cash bar is rude? Dont listen to these people. This wedding is about you and your groom. It is a celebration of your love, it is not a night club. If your guests need to drink to enjoy themselves at a wedding,they don't need to be there. It isn't about being drunk, it's not even about dancing, it's about supporting and celebrating with the ones you love. You don't not have to serve your guests. I say no alcohol, if people can't dance without it, they just won't dance, that's their problem and they are the only one's making it a problem. We aren't serving any alcohol at all. It saves loads of money.
Posted by friendlypeanut[/QUOTE]

Actually, you're wrong ... the reception is something for the guests. To "receive" them and thank them for attending your ceremony.

So, no, the reception is not all about the bride and groom. It's also about what their GUESTS would appreciate.

mbcdefg · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:0912d623-2a9e-4502-9932-b3af77acdc26">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am all for a cash bar if you can afford one. Not my point. My point is why it is such a big deal and why you are such a rude person if you can't afford to buy the booze. [/QUOTE]

Nobody said it's rude not to offer any alcohol at all. People have only said that it's rude if you are leaving your guests to pay for it. Plenty of people here have said that it's fine to have a dry wedding if you cannot afford to provide free beer/wine/liquor for the guests.

As far as cash bars go ... you really need to think about your social circle. In my circle and area, people would probably go nuts if there was a dry wedding or a cash bar. In other circles, people say, "Well, if there's no free booze then at least I can buy my own drink." I don't think I've ever heard someone way, "Woo hoo, cash bar!" though.

[QUOTE]I want to see you invite 200 or even 100 people to your house. Not gonna happen. And some of us don't have the option to invite less. [/QUOTE]

You <em>always </em>have the option. Unless someone is holding a gun to your head. You can always say NO to your parents, you can always say NO to people who ask if they can come. You just CHOOSE not to. It's fine to say that you don't want to cut certain people, but don't pretend that you have absolutely no choice in the matter.

[QUOTE]Open bar is open ended. You have no idea how much it's going to be. You know right off the bat how much the dinner per person is going to be. You know how much a slice of cake will cost. You know how much the DJ per hour is going to be...You have an open bar and that's it, you don't know what the bill is till the end of the night. And if you truely open it up, drinks could be anywhere from $3 a beer to $7 a cocktail.
Posted by Jamie124[/QUOTE]

That's not true. There's a difference between paying by comsumption versus paying a flat fee per person. For my reception hall, we're charged the same rate for everyone, whether they have 40 beers or whether they drink nothing but Sprite all night. You're talking about paying by comsumption, where you pay for each drink as someone orders it.

If that's your concern, then talk to your venue about doing a flat rate. Or say, "We'll put $x toward the open bar (or "we'll pay for x cases of beer and x bottles of wine") and once it runs out then tell people it's a dry wedding/cash bar only."

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:0912d623-2a9e-4502-9932-b3af77acdc26">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]IOpen bar is open ended. You have no idea how much it's going to be. You know right off the bat how much the dinner per person is going to be. You know how much a slice of cake will cost. You know how much the DJ per hour is going to be...You have an open bar and that's it, you don't know what the bill is till the end of the night. And if you truely open it up, drinks could be anywhere from $3 a beer to $7 a cocktail.
Posted by Jamie124[/QUOTE]

This is not entirely true and therefore, can't really be used as an excuse to not do it. It all depends on your venue. Some places charge you at the end of the night for what was consumed, but nowadays with venues wanting to ensure that they're not going to be scammed, they require you to have your ENTIRE reception (Including the bar) paid for in full before the day of your recetpion (Usually 7-10 days before).

There are many places that upfront either provide a package that includes a bar, or they tell you "If you want to have a bar, it's x amount more per head". As in, if you were already paying $85.00 pre-bar, they would charge you maybe $95.00 a head instead to tack on the bar option.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Actually, my open bar isn't open ended. $14/person for beer and wine, $23/person if I add a selection of martinis. I know a lot of people have similar flat-rate arrangements with their venues all over the country, it's just a matter of doing your homework. So using that as an excuse for cash bar just means the bride is lazy as well as cheap.

If you can't afford to have it at the wedding, don't have it there. Period. We're still in that pesky little recession, money's tight for everyone. I'm perfectly fine attending a wedding with limited or no alcohol, but when the bride and groom start hitting me up, I get annoyed.

Jamie124 · December 2009

Exactly my point! Why is it so rude? Why does it spark such a response in people? I'm guessing that it's all about location and who is invited. I've only been to one wedding that had a cash bar, and that was only for 4 hours and was a last minute present from the brides dad. Every single wedding i've been to, i've paid for my drinks.

I would never, ever in a million years think badly about a couple if I had to pay for my drinks at their wedding. Not even for a second. I've always brought my wallet with cash. I wouldn't even think badly if they had a dry wedding. I wouldn't stay very long, but I wouldn't think they were rude.

What is the big flipping deal if I decide to have a cash bar, or if anyone else decides to have a dry wedding? It's the decision of the bride and groom, period. And yes, the reception is for the guests and you have to think about what they would like more. Well my guests would rather pay for their alcohol than have none. End of story!

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Bar packages are an option. The other option is choosing a venue where you can bring your own booze. The consumption bar is an excuse, and it just indicates that you haven't taken the time to research your options.

Like PP said, it indicates the couple is both rude and lazy.

If you can't afford the booze, don't have it.

If you can't afford this many people, don't invite them. You don't have to invite anyone. You choose who you invite. If you choose to have a large guest list, that means you are choosing to spread your budget thinner. That's your choice.

KellyandEddie0808 · December 2009

I'm from NJ where open bar is the norm. Every venue I looked at the open bar is included in the pp price. I have never been to a wedding with a cash bar. It's just tacky. Like some of the other girls said, you don't invite people to your wedding and make them pay. I've been to plenty of weddings where some guests didn't seal the card envelope until they saw what was offered at the wedding. your guests are giving you money and gifts and you can't or won't provide them with drinks?? At least have beer and wine.

jenn.daniel · December 2009

Actually, open bar can be open ended if your venue is uncooperative. The venue I wanted would only do open bar or no bar. But it turned out open bar meant “$19 per person unless they average more than 4 drinks pp and we’ll charge you later for all additional drinks”.

What I find interesting is the house party analogy. In grad school everyone always wanted $5 if you came to a party at their house. I wish they had the same sense people on TK have. It was rude, and I wouldn’t go.

Go for a dry reception if you can't find a way to actually limit alcohol consumption.

CEV88art@ku,edu · December 2009

look carefully threw your guest list, if the numbers start adding in favor of those who are going to cause problems then those who aren't. Dry reception. Because lets be honest, a good sized wedding and a few crazies go hand in hand. But majority crazies and you've got your self a situation. I'm having a dry reception in the middle of the afternoon at the church, so no dancing or drinking. Which my FI is bummed about, but I'm thrilled. No amount of drinks could get me on a dance floor, wedding day or no.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_alcohol-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:ba5e55d3-ac8d-4453-a9bf-8a6eeb4a97efPost:1d3866f4-c3ba-4968-b878-89db9711bfc9">Re: Alcohol at reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, open bar can be open ended if your venue is uncooperative. The venue I wanted would only do open bar or no bar. But it turned out open bar meant “$19 per person unless they average more than 4 drinks pp and we’ll charge you later for all additional drinks”.
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]
Our dream venue only had a consumption package that was way out of our price range, and we couldn't talk them into a preset cost. We scrapped all of the plans that depended on that venue and went somewhere else, drastically downsizing so that we'd be able to afford at least some booze.

Now, our AHR is going to be dry, because we're looking at doing it on a public beach where the open container laws are strict. So I have nothing against dry weddings, especially if there's a good reason (venue restrictions, religious restrictions, many guests with legitimate alcoholism). Even if it's just to save money, I won't judge (well, unless the bride's wearing a $5K dress, the flowers are all exotic and out of season, etc.) But the idea that a cash bar is somehow an antidote to those various problems with alcohol is just ridiculous.

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