Ok so I will start by saying that I know that I am at fault for making a decision without thinking it through all the way. So here is the story.
My Fi has a couple of friends that he wanted involved/included in the wedding party. So he asked the husband to be a groomsman and asked if I would be ok with having the wife be a BM. I said sure we get along when we go out and all so it might be a way to better our friendship and strengthen it. So I asked her. I feel like now it has all blown up in my face. I need brutally honest opinions here to fire away.
The BM has called and text my Fi repeatedly to inform him that I was not choosing the best things for our wedding and that she thinks/thought that I needed to have her make those decisions. Then she started making nasty comments about my mom and getting rude with my MOH and other BM's. My mom and BM's got together with this chick to clear the air and make sure that she was not dragging my Fi and I into her bad/mixed feelings about them. Before they left this meeting they all agreed that the air had been cleared and that if there were any bad feelings that they had resolved whatever situation and would all move on. My mom and the other BM's called and apologized to getting me stressed and trying to play referee between them all. The other BM I will call her DBM called my Fi to inform him that we (including me - I wasn't even present for the gathering) were all picking on her and that she wanted him to stop it and make sure that we all knew just how important she is and that we need to back off.
Then I went dress shopping. The first time it was just my mom, Fi and I and it was great. The next time I invited my in town BM's (this includes DBM) to come along so that way we could look at BM's dresses also. This was a disaster. The DBM felt that the dresses I liked were not right for me and made sure to tell me just how "less than wonderful" I looked in them. Then I found a dress that I loved and she told me "This isn't the dress that we all decided on." To which I told her that it was my choice and I love my dress so I am sorry that she doesn't feel the same way. She then called my Fi to tell him that she should have been included when my mom and I went and purchased the dress. Now my MOH is out of town (8 hours away) and my mom and I are VERY close so I don't think that DBM should have or needed to be there.
So then I hosted a BBQ with the entire bridal party so that way they could all meet and get to know each other a little bit. The entire night DBM would walk off or pick up her phone and call or text someone whenever the rest of us girls tried to speak to her or include her on our discussion. Later that night she went to my Fi and told him that we were all ignoring her and she felt very left out since we were being rude and she didn't know anyone there.
I called her and told her that the whole point of us hosting the BBQ was so that way everyone could meet and have a chance to talk (since the out of town MOH and Best Man) had come up for a visit. She told me that I should have explained that to her from the beginning and that I should have had some icebreaker games set up and then also made sure that I included her the entire night. I told her that with 15 friends and family members running around I was trying and did talk to everyone there that night and that when I tried to include her she walked away. She then told me that she was uncomfortable being in my mom's house since she doesn't agree with my mom being involved in the wedding planning.
Ok and the LAST STRAW was. I took my sis, my mom and my closest BM (in-town) to try on BM dresses one last time to make my final decision. I choose the dress and then text my MOH and DBM that I choose their dresses finally and they need to be ordered by such date and this is the one that I picked and so on. DBM sent multiple texts to my Fi asking why she was not included and demanded to know why I was leaving her out of everything and that she thinks we (mom, sis and I) are all picking on her again. My Fi sent her 4 separate reply's saying "This is an issue that you need to ask her about not me. I wasn't there and it was not my decision so if you feel this way you need to talk to her." So she called and yelled at me because I didn't think to invite her to come along. And that we now have to make a separate trip just her and I to make sure that she will like the dress and that is something that she is ok getting.
I explained to her that I have made my decision about all the dresses and that she had already tried on the dress that I picked. I then told her that I brought the people closest too me since my MOH couldn't be there and because of whatever issue DBM has with my mom - I will not make my family uncomfortable because she has something against them. I told the DBM that I am sorry if I hurt her feelings but if anyone should have been hurt I would think that it would be my MOH/best friend that couldn't be there. I asked her to stop calling and complaining about me and my family to my Fi and if she has any issues that she gets them out and resolve them now or I would have to make a decision that I don't want too.
DBM emailed my mom two day later and asked her "so what is your problem with me." After a few rounds of emails my mom finally very bluntly said "I don't think that you know or understand who my daughter is and that you need to address any issues you have with her not talking crap about her to her FI as they are a couple and it is them first. No one else will get in between them no matter how hard you try. So either deal with it or step down from the bridal party. You need to be supportive of her and her decisions as this is her and FI day. It is not about you and need to understand that."
So now we are coming to the end (sorry so long) but DBM and her husband came over to help us paint the inside of our new house. She was trying very hard to be nice to me but then when I walked into another room she went right up to my FI and asked him "why did you let her choose this color - I would have thought that she had better taste than this." I couldn't believe it - first of all my Fi and I both picked out and agreed on the color and second of all why does she feel its ok to talk to him about things she thinks are poor decisions on my part. I am an adult and a big girl I can handle criticism.
I have spoken to my FI about all of this and he understands the way I am feeling and says that we she is just that way. I told him that I don't want and won't let any one come in-between us and I feel like that is what she is doing. She even ruined my anniversary surprise that I had planned for him and then told me "well you can always just have a night in at home on Sunday before you go back to work." All this is only some of the things that she has done to make me feel like I am the outsider and that she will continue to make me feel bad about every decision that I make or god knows what else in the future.
I am at the point now that I really want to ask her to not be on of my BM's and play a different role in the wedding. My Fi said that he is ok with whatever decision I make as long as it makes me feel better. I told him that I don't want to ruin their friendship but I don't want a BM that will be tearing me down all the way down the aisle either. How would you handle the situation. Do I just suck it up and deal with anything else that will come up in the future or do I try to find a way to have her a part of the wedding in some other way instead of a BM?