How do I address my in-laws??

elle621 · August 2012

Hi ladies!

I'm sure this has been asked before and a lot of you have probably dealt with it, so I'd love to hear your thoughts. Sorry, it's a bit long....

I have no idea how to address my future in-laws. My fiance has a long last name, so I've always called them Mr. and Mrs. "X". When my fiance talks to me about them, he'll call them Mom and Dad, i.e. "Dad finally saw that movie and really liked it." And, I know from talking with my FMIL that she'd want "Mom" and thinks it's weird (and somewhat disrespectful) that her son-in-law doesn't call her that.

Now on to my side of the family. My mom is extremely sensitive about this. My sister is married and calls her MIL Mom. At a family gathering, my sister said something like "Can you hand me that Mom?" My mom responded, and my sister said "No, other Mom". I guarantee she's still upset to this day and talks about how SHE was the one who gave birth and took care of her all her life. My dad passed away a few years ago.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable with it but don't want to be rude. What to do?

SVPW · August 2012

I would address them however you feel the most comfortable.

ericaandtom2012 · August 2012

Call them by their first names? It's not rude to be uncomfortable calling your FMIL "mom" and you'd still be using a name that is appropriate for her. I know I'm not comfortable with that (same with grandparents). I use first names because that's what I'm comfortable with. If you're talking to your FI, you could always use "your dad" and "your mom".

If she says anything, you can always say, I'm really not comfortable with calling you mom, I hope your first name is ok. Don't cave into calling her something you're not comfortable with.

Gabrielle76 · August 2012

You let them lead. If you call them Mr and Mrs X, and they haven't said anything about it, then keep calling them that. If they ask you to call them by their first names, then do that. If they ask you to call them mom and dad, you can just explain that you think it might offend your real mom, and ask if you can stick to first names.

*Ignore me, I missed the part where you said your FMIL wanted mom, reading comprehension fail*

HockeyFan4 · August 2012

it doesn't have to be the same on both sides or in every situation.

I refer to my MIL when speaking with her or about her to other people by her first name. When I am talking to my H I call her "Ma"...as in "Ma called" or just say "Your mom called"

My H usually calls my parents Mr. and Mrs. X occassionally he might use their first name, but it makes my H uncomfortable calling them by their first name

Meegles4 · August 2012

Ditto SVPW.

FWIW, I call my ILs by their first names, because that's how I've always done it. My H calls my parents by their first names as well.

I personally wouldn't call my ILs mom and dad and would find it weird if H did that with mine. Of course your H refers to his parents as mom and dad when talking about them. That doesn't mean you have to call them that.

ETA: And when I'm talking to H about his family I say "how's AUNTNAME"? Not "how's mom?"

funandfreckles · August 2012

I didn't call my FILs anything for the longest time, just did the awkward, "hey...you..."

I now call them by their first names. My FILs would be appalled if I referred to them as Mr. and Mrs. as it's so formal. I don't think I can call them "mom" or "dad", even though I know both of my parents call their respective ILs "mom" and "dad". I just think it would be awkward. Once we have kids, I'll probably call them Nana and Pop, just like my kids will...

lyndausvi · August 2012

We both call our in-laws by their first name.

My parents HATE being called Mrs/Ms by their children-in-laws (if that is such a thing LOL). They even introduce themselves by their first name. They think it's too formal since they all call my aunt/uncles and their friends by their first name. They don't really care if you call them by mom/dad or their first name, just don't call them Mr/Mrs.

So in our family BIL calls them nothing as he doesn't want to call them by their first name or mom/dad. DH and 1 SIL call them by their first name. Last SIL calls them mom/dad.

I'm the only in-law on DH's side. But everyone pretty much calls her by her first name except for the kids anyway. Even all DH's friends.

monkeysip · August 2012

While I currently call my future in-laws Mr. __ and Mrs. ___, I plan on calling them Mom and Dad when we get married.

It's funny because I always thought that was completely normal...just what you did.

FI, however, is uncomfortable with that and isn't sure of what he'll call my parents. For my Dad, he's pretty sure he'll always call him Mr. ___ because I'm not that close with my Dad, and my FI is definitely not close to him. He lives across the country.

For my Mom, who we're both close to, and will even be living with us for a while after we get married, he might call her Mom, but might just keep calling her Ms. ___.

He wouldn't use first names with either. And neither would I. My mom doesn't want my FI using her first name, so he doesn't have that option. And I would just feel weird calling my Future in laws by their first names. Just a personal thing I guess.

It's really just up to you. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, as long as it's something you're comfortable with, and something that doesn't make the in-law uncomfortable (for example, maybe they don't want you calling them by their first names).

I do, however, think it's silly for your parents (or anyone's parents) to be upset by you calling your in-laws "Mom" or "Dad". Yes, they are our biological parents and will always be the ones that raised us, but calling our in-laws "Mom" and "Dad" just signifies how we feel like we're part of the same family now.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

You can also ask them how they'd like to be addressed if you're not sure.

We both call our in-laws by their first name. I could never call MIL and FIL "mom and dad." So weird to me. When we first started dating I called them Mr. and Mrs. but over time, I transitioned to first names. They always signed cards to me with their first names and referred to each other to me by their first names.

julibug86 · August 2012

OP, I have to go with your Mom on this one. I only have one Mom and Dad and would feel incredibly weird calling my FILs this (not to mention, it's confusing!). I'm pulling off the "hey you" pretty well right now and just biding my time for the next few years until I have kids. Then they become Grandma and Grandpa.

I think a lot of this is on family tradition and what you're comfortable with. Nicknames can also be helpful.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:560bc692-0ca3-49e6-9c34-381ac5bb36e3">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE] I do, however, think it's silly for your parents (or anyone's parents) to be upset by you calling your in-laws "Mom" or "Dad". Yes, they are our biological parents and will always be the ones that raised us, but calling our in-laws "Mom" and "Dad" just signifies how we feel like we're part of the same family now.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents.

Everyone has different comfort levels with this.

libby2483 · August 2012

I call my FILs by their first names. Even once FI and I get married, I can't see calling them "Mom and Dad".

monkeysip · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:42c82219-5b22-47d3-b729-534955849410">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying it's silly not to call them that. It's everyone's personal choice.

I'm just saying that if you wanted to call your in-laws "mom and dad", your parents shouldn't be upset by it. It doesn't mean your in-laws are competing with your real parents, or replacing them. I want to call them "mom" and "dad" because I feel close to them, like parents. That doesn't mean that I love them more than my own parents, you know?

But by no means am I saying that people should call their in-laws that. It's whatever you're comfortable with.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

You need to have a conversation with them, plain and simple.
If you have a strong dislike to calling them mom and dad, begin the conversation with TACTFULLY mentioning this, then ask what their preferences are.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:b8f17da7-522c-482a-8f4a-3f1827ca2389">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I'm not saying it's silly not to call them that. It's everyone's personal choice. I'm just saying that if you wanted to call your in-laws "mom and dad", your parents shouldn't be upset by it. It doesn't mean your in-laws are competing with your real parents, or replacing them. I want to call them "mom" and "dad" because I feel close to them, like parents. That doesn't mean that I love them more than my own parents, you know? But by no means am I saying that people should call their in-laws that. It's whatever you're comfortable with.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way?

I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.

amyelise25 · August 2012

My sister had a funny way of doing this with her in-laws. She didn't want to call them mom and dad so they all came up with something different. She calls them Fil (like Phil) and Mil (MIL). I think this could only work out if you have a very laid-back relationship with your future in-laws. I know that I won't be calling my FMIL Mil.

TaraMc728 · August 2012

I address my ILs by thier first names, and my H does the same for my parents. I cannot see myself calling anyone mom and dad except my own parents,

monkeysip · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:05afacd0-c326-4ed6-9d08-49e36ff7fdf1">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way? I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Well, I'm not trying to invalidate people's feelings. You're right, if that's how parents feel, then maybe the person should take that into consideration. But it might be solved with just a simple, "I want to call them this, but you know you'll always be my true mom and dad..." kind of talk.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:9d1ae967-2d5b-44ff-9df0-4601e21bfa6c">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister had a funny way of doing this with her in-laws. She didn't want to call them mom and dad so they all came up with something different. She calls them Fil (like Phil) and Mil (MIL). I think this could only work out if you have a very laid-back relationship with your future in-laws. I know that I won't be calling my FMIL Mil.
Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

And do they call her her "Dil" ? (like Dill)

[Deleted User] · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:05afacd0-c326-4ed6-9d08-49e36ff7fdf1">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Hmmm... I see what you're saying, but I still think it's okay for Mom or Dad to feel a little slighted. If the children think it might be a bad idea then why isn't it okay for the parents to feel that way? I think the comfort levels are on all sides of the equation.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Never ever ever thought I would get jealous, but I did when my daughter got married! She has a very good relationship with her MIL, whom she calls by her first name. But I have to say I was a bit anxious and worried they might get closer than she and I. Not the case, and not likely to happen, but I can see why a mom might get upset if their kids adress in-laws as mom and dad.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:5ccfcab5-1675-4776-be67-0397edfaf4e4">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : Well, I'm not trying to invalidate people's feelings. You're right, if that's how parents feel, then maybe the person should take that into consideration. But it might be solved with just a simple, "I want to call them this, but you know you'll always be my true mom and dad..." kind of talk.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

That's fair!

amyelise25 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:08020dad-bc92-4984-b500-a3d0c50bd2fd">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : And do they call her her "Dil" ? (like Dill)
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

They should!!! But I don't think they do.

Kate61487 · August 2012

My MIL and I are still in a kind of awkward stage on what to call her. She's a teacher, and kind of an 'elder' of the family, so EVERYONE either calls her Mrs. Lastname or Auntie First Name. I got the distinct impression from her early on that just calling her by her first name made her uncomfortable.

I always called her Mrs. Lastname until we got engaged, but then it felt weird to use that since it would soon be my name too and I didn't want to automatically think of MIL when I heard the name anymore.

We've sort of fallen into a weird limbo of changing the name up frequently. Usually I address her as "mother in law" and she calls me "daughter in law". It kind of has a sarcasticly formal feel to it and is just a running thing we started right after the wedding. Sometimes I'll shorten it to "Mother" - I'm not comfortable calling her mom, but in my head I'm still saying the "in-law", so it works. Other times she'll sign emails/cards "mama first name" since some of H's college buddies jokingly called her that. I'm honestly just waiting til we have kids and so I can comfortably call her grandma/granny/nana first name whatever she chooses.

Calypso1977 · August 2012

my in laws wanted (expected)to be called mom and dad. i woudnt do it as i didnt feel comfortable.
they were mr. and mrs. x well into our engagement then finally relented to first names, but that took my H basically saying to them, can Calypso call you jane and john?

AceTT · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:42c82219-5b22-47d3-b729-534955849410">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This. We call each other's parents by their first names.

PhoneCardLady · August 2012

Right now I'm calling my FI mom and step-dad by their last name, altho when she sends me email she signs it with her first name.

When we get married, I will ask them what they would like to be called. I have no problem with calling them Mom and Dad or by their first names.

My Ex-BIL never called my parents by any name that I know of except Lisa's parents. My current BIL calls them Mom and Pa (I think he go the "Pa" bit from my niece and nephew, who call him that.)

My brother was upset at first when BIL called our mom "Mom"....

tpender13 · August 2012

I've always called my in-laws by their first names, H calls my parents by their first names as well, but we don't see them that often, so it's pretty rare that he addresses them.

Now I sometimes call MIL "Mama Firstname" and I usually call SMIL "Mrs. Lastname" -- but that's because we're both "Mrs. Lastname" and we get a kick out of it.

WIth Christmas gifts, we usually write, say, "Mom or Dad Lastname" because my mom and SMIL have the same first name, and gifts usually end up sitting under the tree for awhile before we give them, so we lose track of what's what.

kmleon83 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-address-my-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:245fde20-7991-4ce6-a87c-115276a885c0Post:42c82219-5b22-47d3-b729-534955849410">Re: How do I address my in-laws??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I address my in-laws?? : I would never call anyone Mom and Dad other than my own Mom and Dad. Ever. My husband's parents are his parents, not mine. I'm not sure I will ever think of them as my parents. Everyone has different comfort levels with this.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

THIS! No one else will ever be mom and dad for me so I'm still trying to figure out what to call FI's parents. His mom will send me cards and emails with all conflicting messages..mom, virginia, mrs. xx. I'm so confused, I just stick with Mrs. xx. She once wrote me an email and said "I guess you can call me Mom now!" and I was so put off by it I actually stopped calling her anything in the emails...HAHA. Guess we'll just see how it goes!

ootmother2 · August 2012

My parents called their ILs by first name.

Only my dad was living when we married but he told my exH to call him Bob.

I can't imagine calling another woman Mom. I had a Mom but she's dead and no one ever will get that title

katypeg · August 2012

I will say I got really upset when my SIL called my parents Mom and Dad. But I'm pretty selfish, I only want to share my parents with my five siblings.

I call FI's parents by their first name and will always. His mom asked to be "mom" and his grandparents asked to be called grandmas. I told them kindly but seriously that I was uncomfortable with that. They seemed to respect that. I'm with some PPs about just waiting it out until the ILs become Grandma and Grandpa LASTNAME.

How do I address my in-laws??

Re: How do I address my in-laws??

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