Wedding Etiquette Forum
Feel like I "upstaged" the bride - how do I make this right?
A few weeks back, my sister, a few years younger, announced her engagement and asked me to be the MOH in her wedding next fall in our (small) hometown. I was/am over the moon happy for her, I love her fiance.
Myself, I had at the time, been dating my BF for almost a year, and we'd been discussing marriage as a "when" not an "if". Since my sister's engagement, he and I had been debating, is it rude to get engaged before my sister's wedding, what if we waited until after the wedding to announce the engagement (we'd get married after my sister's wedding), etc. After awhile of this, he and I agreed that when we all get together over the holiday weekend, my sister and I would have a heart to heart, and I'd find out her feelings on the subject.
My sister is very easygoing, but her dad/g-ma (she is technically my half sister) not so much. They've accused me most of our lives of upstaging my sister, etc. our extended fam, family friends, etc, largely disagree with these claims. I know my *sister* loves my BF and is one of those "be happy other people are happy types", but that she's also close to *her* fam.
The option to delay our marriage is off the table though - BF and I have just found out we are expecting our first child! We are surprised though overjoyed - my first husband and I divorced several years ago when a few doctors told us I was unlikely to be able to conceive without medical assistance. (Because we thought I was infertile, we didn't bother with birth control after our test results came back clean) Our miracle baby is so far looking great, but for obvious reasons, we agreed that we're going to have to move our wedding date up until *before* my late-Jan due date.
My dilemma is - Not only did I definitely "upstage" my sister, I feel like I'll be launching both her and myself into a world of family drama when people figure out we're expecting/we announce our engagement.
I'm also torn as to whether i owe her an apology - I feel horrible and think it's unfair to her that I stole her spotlight, but am not in the least bit sorry about our miracle baby, nor do I feel it's healthy/that I'm obligated to apologize for having a child. I also don't want all heck to break loose with my step-relatives, since the potential for all that negativity/anger is not good for a baby.
How do I make this situation right with her? With my step-relatives? It would break my heart, but her wedding is her day - should I offer to step down as MOH?
TIA. I need to talk to her soon.
Myself, I had at the time, been dating my BF for almost a year, and we'd been discussing marriage as a "when" not an "if". Since my sister's engagement, he and I had been debating, is it rude to get engaged before my sister's wedding, what if we waited until after the wedding to announce the engagement (we'd get married after my sister's wedding), etc. After awhile of this, he and I agreed that when we all get together over the holiday weekend, my sister and I would have a heart to heart, and I'd find out her feelings on the subject.
My sister is very easygoing, but her dad/g-ma (she is technically my half sister) not so much. They've accused me most of our lives of upstaging my sister, etc. our extended fam, family friends, etc, largely disagree with these claims. I know my *sister* loves my BF and is one of those "be happy other people are happy types", but that she's also close to *her* fam.
The option to delay our marriage is off the table though - BF and I have just found out we are expecting our first child! We are surprised though overjoyed - my first husband and I divorced several years ago when a few doctors told us I was unlikely to be able to conceive without medical assistance. (Because we thought I was infertile, we didn't bother with birth control after our test results came back clean) Our miracle baby is so far looking great, but for obvious reasons, we agreed that we're going to have to move our wedding date up until *before* my late-Jan due date.
My dilemma is - Not only did I definitely "upstage" my sister, I feel like I'll be launching both her and myself into a world of family drama when people figure out we're expecting/we announce our engagement.
I'm also torn as to whether i owe her an apology - I feel horrible and think it's unfair to her that I stole her spotlight, but am not in the least bit sorry about our miracle baby, nor do I feel it's healthy/that I'm obligated to apologize for having a child. I also don't want all heck to break loose with my step-relatives, since the potential for all that negativity/anger is not good for a baby.
How do I make this situation right with her? With my step-relatives? It would break my heart, but her wedding is her day - should I offer to step down as MOH?
TIA. I need to talk to her soon.
Mom to a beautiful boy and girl!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feel like I "upstaged" the bride - how do I make this right?
[QUOTE]A few weeks back, my sister, a few years younger, announced her engagement and asked me to be the MOH in her wedding next fall in our (small) hometown. I was/am over the moon happy for her, I love her fiance. Myself, I had at the time, been dating my BF for almost a year, and we'd been discussing marriage as a "when" not an "if". Since my sister's engagement, he and I had been debating, is it rude to get engaged before my sister's wedding, what if we waited until after the wedding to announce the engagement (we'd get married after my sister's wedding), etc. After awhile of this, he and I agreed that when we all get together over the holiday weekend, my sister and I would have a heart to heart, and I'd find out her feelings on the subject. My sister is very easygoing, but her dad/g-ma (she is technically my half sister) not so much. They've accused me most of our lives of upstaging my sister, etc. our extended fam, family friends, etc, largely disagree with these claims. I know my *sister* loves my BF and is one of those "be happy other people are happy types", but that she's also close to *her* fam. The option to delay our marriage is off the table though - BF and I have just found out we are expecting our first child! We are surprised though overjoyed - my first husband and I divorced several years ago when a few doctors told us I was unlikely to be able to conceive without medical assistance. (Because we thought I was infertile, we didn't bother with birth control after our test results came back clean) Our miracle baby is so far looking great, but for obvious reasons, we agreed that we're going to have to move our wedding date up until *before* my late-Jan due date. My dilemma is - Not only did I definitely "upstage" my sister, I feel like I'll be launching both her and myself into a world of family drama when people figure out we're expecting/we announce our engagement. I'm also torn as to whether i owe her an apology - I feel horrible and think it's unfair to her that I stole her spotlight, but am not in the least bit sorry about our miracle baby, nor do I feel it's healthy/that I'm obligated to apologize for having a child. I also don't want all heck to break loose with my step-relatives, since the potential for all that negativity/anger is not good for a baby. How do I make this situation right with her? With my step-relatives? It would break my heart, but her wedding is her day - should I offer to step down as MOH? TIA. I need to talk to her soon.
Posted by PiscesFish[/QUOTE]
personally, my feelings is that your sister gets her day, you can have yours. it is not fair for her relatives to ask you to put your life on hold while yall await her wedding. you're expecting, that's great! she needs to know that. and if you want to get engaged, again, great! it doesn't mean you are upstaging her. have you thought about the fact that your sister may be truly happy for you, and to hell with her relatives?
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Congrats on the baby and the wedding!
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Congrats!
I am getting married this year and so are my close firends. While the bride should be celebrated and showered with love and attention leading up to the wedding, it is important to keep things in persepective...you deserve your day and your sister deserves hers. If the family doesn't like it they are entitled to their feelings but should respectfully keep them to themselves.
I would sit down and have a talk with your sister about everything before discussing it with anyone else. If she is supportive and comfortable with the situation then you two can come up with a plan of action for how you will handle everyone else.
People may react differently if they see the support and encouragement of your sister and you will feel more comfortable with your plans knowing that the most important persons in all of this is on your side.
I think my step-fam's issue is, well, that I'm "not (SF's) kid". I know my sister and know she will be ecstatic for me, but feel horrible that I'm once AGAIN putting her through the ringer of "divided loyalties". Also, small town gossip = I feel badly that my mom is likely to be the subject of "Pisces was jealous and did this on purpose"!
Any tips on breaking the news to mom/SF and such, laying the boundary up front that I won't tolerate negativity?
Always take the high road...if people start in with the questions and comments then simply state "we are so happy and excited to begin this new chapter in our lives and we would appreciate everyone's support".
If they continue to be negative and hurtful just reply with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on with the satisfaction of knowing that in 5 years no one will even be thinking about the weddings and you will be too busy with your beautiful son or daughter to care.
You could go for shock value: "Actually, Pisces was knocked up. Guess she won't be wearing white to the wedding!"
I tease, of course.
How close are you with your sister's family? You said they were your step-family, so I'm assuming your step-father is her father and you share a mother? If so, I can understand how things could get awkward if your step-family is as obsessively defensive of your sister as it seems they are.
I would still follow SarahPlz's advice and talk to your sister. Tell her the truth: you had every intention of waiting until after her wedding to announce your own engagement -- but now that you're pregnant, it's important to you and your fiance to be married before the baby comes. If your little sis as awesome as you say she is, then she'll not only support you, but she'll also help defend the decision to the naysers in her extended family.
Another thing you may want to consider before talking to your sister is the scope of your wedding. If your sister is planning a big party, maybe (if it's something that you want,) you could plan a more intimate wedding with just close friends and family. It will be easier for you to plan on short notice, will probably be a less stressful process, and cost a lot less. Plus, you'll be married, but may avoid the "drama" of "upstaging" your sister.
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Your two weddings will be different enough and separated enough that one person can't really claim they've been "upstaged."
As for your step-relatives, eff them. They're for her to deal with, not you. If they're so crass as to say something to you, they're the classless idiots, not you.
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Really, though, there might be some jealousy at first, but worry about your relationship with her. Don't worry about family members....just talk to her about your situation and work something out. You can share ideas and vendors (if you have the same size wedding). Remind her that this baby is going to be her niece or nephew. Concentrate on the blessings you both have.