My friend got upset

Mego1685 · August 2010

Alright here's the deal, I choose my wedding party and when I started asking people for their address so I could send them an invitation, one of my friends sent me an email about how hurt she was that I didn't choose her as a bridesmaid. (I never told her I choose a wedding party, I just asked her for her address)

We haven't spoken since my engagement (5 months ago, which all she replied was "happy for you") and I haven't seen her in over a year. Yes, we've known each other since we were young, but she has never wanted to meet my fiancee or tried to say hi.

I know friendship is a two-way street, and maybe I could have tried better to stay in touch, but I think it was a little rude for her to ask why she wasn't chosen.

My question is should I give her explanation or just leave it alone?

Please do not be rude, I only want advice.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Don't give her an explanation, even if she pushes for one. There's no way that conversation ends well.

Just tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we're looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!" Then change the subject.

For the record, she's in the wrong for not only assuming she's owed a spot in the WP, but for saying something to you about it.

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

No, I would just leave it alone. To give an explanation is to only point out why this person wasn't 'good enough' to be in your wedding party. There's nothing quite like a, "Here are the top 10 reasons why I don't want you in my wedding party," speech.

Essentially, yes, it's terrible that her feelings are hurt by not being in your wedding party, but it's something she'll have to get over. If anything, you could let her know about your concerns of the two of you drifting apart and try to build a stronger friendship, but there really is nothing you owe her an explanation for.

trix1223 · August 2010

You don't owe her an explanation at all, and any attempt at that conversation just can't go well.

Brooke gave you great advice: "I'm sorry that you feel that way. We are looking forward to having you at our wedding".

And please don't feel compelled to offer a pity position: personal attendant, or getting ready with you on wedding day or getting a corsage. I think those things that people often recommend, while perhaps well intentioned, just underscore that someone wasn't asked to be in a WP.

emilykathleen511 · August 2010

I wouldn't offer explanation as to why she wasn't good enough...I don't see that going well. I also agree with Brooke's suggested words for her. Good luck.

suz62984 · August 2010

You're in a lose lose situation. Unfortunately she was rude enough to put you there. If you don't say anything at all then she gets mad. If you tell her why she wasn't chosen she gets mad. Just say what brooke said and leave it at that.

"Please do not be rude, I only want advice." - I don't think you said anything that would prompt a rude response IMO.

banana468 · August 2010

I wouldn't give her an explanation at all. If she pushes, just say, "I would hope that you'd respect me as a friend not to ask that."

beautifulbridetobe11 · August 2010

I don't have any advice to add, but I just wanted to say that I anticipate having this situation as well. I have a friend who thinks were besties and we're not and another friend who doesn't do the two way street thing, like you said. So thanks, ladies! I'll probably be using your advice as well.

Angrytomato · August 2010

Agree with PPs. Nothing new to add.

nikiandchris · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-got-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f2e9a2d-5569-4af7-a0cb-187edfe30df8Post:22b9de99-6995-4a92-b764-7af6bb5b9998">Re: My friend got upset</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I would just leave it alone. To give an explanation is to only point out why this person wasn't 'good enough' to be in your wedding party. There's nothing quite like a, "Here are the top 10 reasons why I don't want you in my wedding party," speech. Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

Could not agree more. I actually have a BM that fully expected to be my MOH, and for several reasons I chose someone else. At first I felt like I needed to explain those reasons to her to help soften the blow-- but like Licia said, it'll only hurt her more to explain in depth why she isn't good enough.

NashBride01 · August 2010

No one here! Seriously. I was sticking up for OP asking people to keep it nice, which posters here did. Some posters are really rude to people with innocent questions, which is uncalled for. If you've been on this site before, you've probably noticed.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Given that people were really nice, the tone in your post was completely uncalled for and rude. Especially since you got such great advice for your own question. If you see rudeness, call it out. But don't paint us all with such a broad brush. It's not fair.

NashBride01 · August 2010

I'm glad you guys have been fortunate enough not to be in the chats with the nasty folks on here. No offense to this group intended.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Yeah, Nash, I've been on this board for two years (as has Stage) so you can quit the condescension. You signed up six months ago and have 15 posts. I don't know if you are really in a place to lecture about the tone of the boards. Just sayin'.

Many times people are told what they don't want to hear, but what they need to hear. Then they accuse people of rudeness.

You also may be confusing this board with some of the other national ones, which can run much more snarky than this one.

Angrytomato · August 2010

Nash: OP, you got some great adivce and it's a good thing you didn't have to put up with any jerks giving you snarky answers

everyone else: OMG THERE ARE NO JERKS HERE WE WEREN'T BEING SNARKY WTF GO DIE YOU NUB

Nash: But I just said there weren't any jerks here.....

everyone else: NO YOU SAID THERE WERE AND WE TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR LIKE LOTS OF YEARS AND WE KNOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE BEING OFFENSIVE AND YOU CAN'T TELL BECAUSE YOU HAVE LIKE 2 POSTS TOTAL SO HOW WOULD YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED TO MAKE THAT ASSESSMENT ON THE GENERAL TONE OF PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW AND WE ARE WE HAVE LIKE OUR DOCTORATES IN ONLINE THREAD MANAGEMENTOLOGY SEE WE HAVE THESE DIPLOMAS HANGING IN OUR OFFICES SO WE KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW AND YOU DON'T SO DON'T TELL US WHAT YOU MEAN AND WHAT YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE ONLY WE KNOW AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING

/guffawing today thanks for the laff

ToNiZiLLa · August 2010

Definitely just leave it alone. Its weird that she hasn't even met your fiancé and she would expect to be a bridesmaid. Friendship is a 2 way street, but you're not obligated to give her a role in your wedding if you don't feel as close to her anymore.

I always say, pick the people who you know will still be a big part of your life 15 yrs from now when you look back at your wedding pictures.

staceytaylor0704 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-got-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f2e9a2d-5569-4af7-a0cb-187edfe30df8Post:4d2a271a-b938-46f1-9018-0171740daea2">My friend got upset</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright here's the deal, I choose my wedding party and when I started asking people for their address so I could send them an invitation, one of my friends sent me an email about how hurt she was that I didn't choose her as a bridesmaid. (I never told her I choose a wedding party, I just asked her for her address) We haven't spoken since my engagement (5 months ago, which all she replied was "happy for you") and I haven't seen her in over a year. Yes, we've known each other since we were young, but she has never wanted to meet my fiancee or tried to say hi. I know friendship is a two-way street, and maybe I could have tried better to stay in touch, but I think it was a little rude for her to ask why she wasn't chosen. My question is should I give her explanation or just leave it alone? Please do not be rude, I only want advice.
Posted by Mego1685[/QUOTE]

I had the same situation a few weeks ago. This "friend" no longer speaks to me. All I did was tell her I was sorry she was offended, but due to budget concerns, we were having a small wedding party. The way I see it, if she can't accept that and be happy for me instead of being jealous, then I don't really need her as a friend.

janell21 · August 2010

I had this EXACT same thing happen! I tried to ask her to do a different task during the ceremony, but she was SO HURT that she wasn't a bridesmiad. I actually tried to explain thoroughly (but nicely) why I picked the party I did. I told her it wasn't that I valued her any less...it's just that I had formed closer bonds to other girls in more recent years, & had a really hard time choosing. I also explained that I picked people who showed an interest in getting to know my fiance. at first, we had a very strained friendship (after that), but I apologized for hurting her feelings, & told her that I still value her friendship, & over the course of a few months, we worked things out.

askheidi · August 2010

OP, I totally sympathize. I have a friend who I used to see weekly but she's told me how much she dislikes my fiance and we haven't been seeing each other regularly. Since I got engaged, though, she's become VERY interested in wedding planning and I"m going to feel bad when she realizes she's not a bridesmaid.

Great advice here, and I'll just keep emphasizing how much I appreciate her willingness to talk weddings and how much I want to see her at the wedding.

JohnCarrieC · August 2010

A friend who begs to be in the wedding party doesn't deserve the position. I agree with the apologize and move on strategy with this one. You did your part and you don't need to explain to her why she wasn't picked or why someone else was. Nothing but a bad argument would ensue, further worsening the relationship with your friend. She will get over it.

stephaniejbass · August 2010

Wow, just Wow. I agree with NASH! Nash wasn't pointing any fingers. She was just saying that she agreed with the OP. Stop reading too much into things Bab and Stage. Seriously, grow up and stop freaking out.

Anyways, I had the same situation and thus far I am just leaving it alone. If she brings it up I am just going to tell her that I am trying to keep the wedding small. I already have two MOH and two Bridesmaids. And for a wedding under 80 people, and paying for things ourselves, adding more BM just adds to the stress. I have already been "de-friended" on Facebook because I didn't INVITE someone who I haven't spoken to in years. And she couldn't grasp that we were having a family, family-friend, and close BFF wedding. But like people mentioned, when I explained that to her, it added insult to injury and just made things worse. Just ignore it best you can and keep your eyes on the prize.

It's YOUR wedding after all.

lziaks · August 2010

As a newish member of the boards some of the above got a little uncomfortable to read.
But to Mego

I completely hear your situation with your "friend". I got engaged after that 1st year post college when everyone is figuring their lives out. When my parents had an engagement party at their house this summer I wasn't allowed to invite anyone who wasn't definitely invited to the wedding.

I had to leave a few "close college friends" off the list because we had lost touch over the past year and space at this time doesn't permit them. Long story short - she isn't speaking to me over the engagement party so I probably wont be inviting her to the wedding. It's unfortunate but sometimes people are just going to act the way they are going to act. I was more hurt by the fact that our relationship had fizzled into nothing.

As far as the wedding party - my fiance had this perdicament between a college buddy who's part of a group of friends and an adult friend of his that has been a huge part of his and my life.

He chose the college buddy but the close friend completely understood and since he was a good friend he didn't hold it against him (my fiance was in the guys wedding last month!)

If they are a good friend - they understand. If not - they'll take it out on you to make you feel bad during your planning for YOUR wedding. It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I think I've got it now.

Amelia24 · August 2010

LOL This is way too funny... I would have to agree with Miss AngryTomato... we are not bitches but everyone is pouncing on Nash for saying that everyone is nice... Are you people being sarcastic? I don't understand why the anger... there was no condescending or rude tone... You women are CRAZY... and yes, I understand that this is only my 3rd post... You ALL have more seniority than me... And yes, I have seen posts where the commenter's completely REAM the poster because they disagree with their point of view. The most recent one was when a bride said she didn't want kids at the wedding... my God... people... leave it... hahahaha... anyways... the irony makes my giggle.

Actually, what's even MORE funny is that Nash kept saying apologies and meant no offenses... but people still kept getting angry with her... lol... wow....

fabulousmsmoxie · August 2010

I agree that you were put in a really uncomfortable situaion, and I'm so sorry an old friend of yours has cornered you like this.

Where I understand where everyone else is coming from-- and have DREADED this conversation myself as news of who's in and who's out of the wedding party circulate-- ... if I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I could just ignore her. That's just me personally, and this is just an opinion, but here's how I see it:

It depends on how you want your relationship to go from here. The conversation you have with her next will probably set the tone for the rest of your friendship. The girl I left out of my wedding party is very similiar in circumstances to your friend. I've known her for decades. We were close friends, then lost touch. She met my fiance all of once, and she's notorious for breaking plans to get together and catch up. Eventually, I just stopped trying because it was so disappointing, and now... she's not a bridesmaid.

BUT. If she were to ask me why she didn't make it into the party, I know just ignoring her would end our friendship entirely, for good, forever. And I don't want that either.

If you choose to ignore her, or give her a short response, I love the language the other brides have recommended. Specifically, apologize that her feelings were hurt.

If you feel uncomfortable leaving it just at that (like I would be if this friend confronted me), the speech I've already mentally prepared to have with her goes a little like this, "I'm very sorry that your feelings were hurt. I know we've been friends for a long time, please know it was never my intention to make you feel badly. When I chose the party, I chose from the perspective of people who were actively involved in the building of my relationship with {Fiance}. You and I had fallen out of touch, and to be honest, I wasn't sure if you were enthusiastic about this union. I'm thrilled to find out that you ARE, and for that reason, I'd be honored if you would..." and then I already plan to ask her to read a poem, or manage the ushers, or straighten my train when I get to the front of the aisle. Just a small task, a token gesture to let her know that I DO appreciate her interest and that I want her to be involved.

But. Again. You have to go with whatever you're comfortable with. I agree with all the other brides-- you don't OWE her anything, and if you're not comfortable explaining, don't.

Just know that either course of action, again, is going to determine how she views your friendship going forward, and approach your response from the strategic point of how you want that to play out.

Good luck, and remember-- it's your day, and everything will end up working out just fine.

Amelia24 · August 2010

BTW... sorry Mego for changing topic... but I think you have plenty of great advice up above.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

Dear OP,

I was in a similar situation. I'm getting married next year, and one of my BM got engaged several months after me. Since I asked her to be in my WP as one of my best gal pals, I just assumed I would be in hers. I offered to throw her a bridal shower, gave her tips on where to shop for wedding dresses, talked about color schemes and place settings, etc. When I found out from her MOH that she had picked her WP and I had not had a call from her in several weeks, I got the hint. My feelings were hurt but I assumed I had just misunderstood. So I called some mutual friends who would have more of a scoop on the WP and they were surprised I wasn't invited to be a BM.

Finally, the bride called me and we had a heart-to-heart. I let her know my feelings were hurt, and she explained who was in the WP - she didn't really include whys (except for the family members) but I was even more hurt when I learned that she had 7 BMs and I still wasn't one of them (I have 5 and she was one of the 1st ones I asked). But, it was my fault for having expectations and making assumptions. She told me that she didn't quite know how to handle the situation and was glad that I had inquired about it so that we could talk. She was very sorry, and gratious when she didn't have to be. I understood. Your wedding day is supposed to be All. About. You. regardless of other people's feelings.

I will still call and talk to her about place settings and wedding cakes, and ask about BM jewelry. I invited her to a bbq last weekend and it was wonderful chatting with her and her FH for three hours. If your "friend" is not able to get over her hurt feelings, then she was never a friend. A friend sticks with you regardless of wedding drama, and I will happily be a guest at my BM's wedding and won't have to do anything but eat, drink, and be merry. Whatever role she assigns me, I'll always be there.

Hopefully, OP, your friend's hurt feelings will pass as she learns to be grateful just to be a guest (wedding's are expensive and narrowing down your guest list is impossilbe!) and eat your hand picked food. If she doesn't, then it's her loss. BTW, I think this post was just as much about airing my feelings ab my situation as it was about answering your post. Thanks for that opportunity.

For all of you who are nagging at each other about being rude, just focus on the woman who asked for your advice instead of picking fights with one another. That's what's rude and unnecessary.

Good luck OP!

hsunij · August 2010

OP - Im really sorry and that is really uncomfortable. Although I agree with the pp, I dont really thnk avoid the situation is really a solution either. I wouldnt say an explaination is needed, but just telling her it was a "decision you and your FI made" should be enough.

I put people in my WP that I thought would be to immature to handle me not putting them in my WP cause I was in thiers. and I didnt put people in my WP that I knew would understand. I know how backwards that sounds, but my friends that are not in the WP havent asked me about it and know that I love them regardless. Of course, not everyone one in my WP is immature. I really just referring to two girls out of six.

anyways, it was a decision I made, and they're respecting that.

But when I was in a WP one of the BM asked the bride and groom, in front of a crowd why they picked my FI to be the best man and not, a different (specific) groomsmen.... it was really awkward, and their response, because both my FI and the other GM was present, they said "It was a decision we made" and that was that!

allimac13 · August 2010

This exact thing happened to me TODAY. My sister and cousin got into a conversation on Facebook (on a wall for everyone to see) about how disappointed and shocked they both are that they aren't bridesmaids. I have been spending my morning formulating a reply to both of them. After reading this advice, I may or may not send it to them. But I want them to know that it hurts me that they would have this conversation "behind my back" (really, it's in my face since they're both my "FB friends"). I thought a lot about it when I picked my bridesmaids and have my reasons for my choices. While it's not really any of their business why I made the choices I made, I feel like I should offer them something. Like I said, I may or may not send a response. And if I do, it will be a MESSAGE, not on a freaking WALL.

vamstadt · August 2010

I'm with you Nash! Whenever I post on any of these boards, I always come out of it feeling like I've been punched in the face. One time I too commented on this message board snippiness and babblingbrooke took my head off too.

sfrank5683 · August 2010

I experienced a similar situation recently. I explained to her that the topic was not open for discussion and validated her rights to have those feelings. It didn't go well...She resent her RSVP as declined and is no longer a guest at the hotel. Its a really tough spot, but I'm equally upset with her for putting me in that light. Weddings are about the bride and groom and as a couple we do our best to accommodate our guests but in the end I just can't afford to have every person be a part of the wedding.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-got-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:9f2e9a2d-5569-4af7-a0cb-187edfe30df8Post:aa1df27d-4c05-4a98-bbe4-ffffc9a8adf0">Re: My friend got upset</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with you Nash! Whenever I post on any of these boards, I always come out of it feeling like I've been punched in the face. One time I too commented on this message board snippiness and babblingbrooke took my head off too.
Posted by vamstadt[/QUOTE]
Because posting that others are rude is rude in itself. If you don't like the tone, no one is forcing you to post here or read what's said.<div>
</div><div>I'll agree that not every response is nice and we call can do better. That being said, 99% of the time the "rudeness" is just telling a bride what she doesn't want to hear and giving a response other than, "It's your day honey do what you want!" </div>

My friend got upset

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