I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic

geographtea · February 2013

The ceremony is probably the scariest aspect of wedding planning to me, because I am an atheist and my fiance is a practicing catholic. I was raised catholic, and I am ok with the idea of him raising our future children as catholic, as long as they get to make their own decision about religion at some point. But how do we have a ceremony, when it is important to him to be married in the eyes of the Catholic church, but I don't want to feel like a hypocrite by "accepting god" and the like (which I seem to remeber happening in Catholic ceremonies I've seen before) during the ceremony. Is it possible to find a priest who is willing to marry us without me having to feel like a hypocrite? I want us to both be able to be ourselves during the ceremony and as we prepare for it. Any suggestions, tips, experience stories, etc would be greatly appreciated.

professorscience · February 2013

Talk to the priest who marries you about all of your reservations. It's not impossible for you two to be married, but you're absolutely right -- some of the things you'll be representing in your ceremony are things you don't agree with.

I don't think you're asked to "accept God" in the vows, just to be faithful and accept children and teach them the faith, which you've already said you could do.

My SIL is dating a man who has some big hangups about the Catholic church, and it's the biggest reason they haven't gotten engaged yet -- he doesn't feel comfortable participating in a ceremony if he doesn't agree with everything.

It takes a lot of time, but I think you can do it.

mandi195 · February 2013

Also, I saw in your post over on Ceremony that you "won't be getting married in the church".. for a Catholic, they must be married in the Catholic church in order for the marriage to be recognized, and for them to continue to practice their faith. I would make sure you and FI get with a priest ASAP.

itzMS · February 2013

Since it appears like your wedding isn't until 2015, you have plenty of time.

That being said...I think your FI should make arrangements to talk to his priest NOW (both with you, and without you) to discuss the role of faith in your relationship.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:5960f75c-3af0-418f-a7d3-73f38e1dd8ce">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to the priest who marries you about all of your reservations. It's not impossible for you two to be married, but you're absolutely right -- some of the things you'll be representing in your ceremony are things you don't agree with. I don't think you're asked to "accept God" in the vows, just to be faithful and accept children and teach them the faith, which you've already said you could do. My SIL is dating a man who has some big hangups about the Catholic church, and it's the biggest reason they haven't gotten engaged yet -- he doesn't feel comfortable participating in a ceremony if he doesn't agree with everything. It takes a lot of time, but I think you can do it.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

Thanks for being pretty much the only person in these forums that is actually pretty reasurring about this. I just hope we can find a more modern priest who is respectful of that fact that not everyone in this world believes in god.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

Also, I saw in your post over on Ceremony that you "won't be getting married in the church".. for a Catholic, they must be married in the Catholic church in order for the marriage to be recognized, and for them to continue to practice their faith. I would make sure you and FI get with a priest ASAP.

if this is indeed true, that you arent marryign in a catholic church before a priest, then this is going to be very problematic for your FI.

if you are marrying in a catholic church, i think its really important for both you and your FI to realize that you are going to have, IMO, a very tough road ahead in your marriage when children come along given your two drastically different belief systems. not saying it cant be done, but its going to be difficult for you. for example, have you thought about how to handle questions from your children as to why you dont go to church with them? why you dont believe in God? and how do you plan to answer those questions so as to not undermine your spouses authority on raising them catholic?

im just trying to stress a few points you really need to think about because it doesnt end with the wedding and ceremony, but rather that is just the start.

good luck!

professorscience · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:5e4efbef-69a7-4ab9-a33e-dcf0f667cdfb">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : Thanks for being pretty much the only person in these forums that is actually pretty reasurring about this. I just hope we can find a more modern priest who is respectful of that fact that not everyone in this world believes in god.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>I would think most priests would be accepting of your beliefs. I'm not saying they won't want to talk to you about it or find out WHY you don't believe, especially if you were raised Catholic, but they're not just going to kick you to the curb.</div><div>
</div><div>A lot of what you'll be asked about is more to make sure that you won't stand in your FI's way of teaching your future children about the faith. I'm not saying you would, but I've heard so many heartbreaking stories of nonCatholic spouses not only disagreeing with the Catholic parent's teachings, but blatantly undermining them, and that's horrible no matter what faith you've chosen for your household.</div><div>
</div><div>Just remember that if you want openness, you have to display it. ;)</div>

Calypso1977 · February 2013

i just read your post and the replies on the Ceremony board.

based on yoru attitude over there, i think a SERIOUS and honest discussion is needed between you and your FI. im sure you love each other very much, but unfortunately love isnt really enough when it comes to marriage.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:083c1e41-e12c-4925-8c47-a904f0d72960">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I saw in your post over on Ceremony that you "won't be getting married in the church".. for a Catholic, they must be married in the Catholic church in order for the marriage to be recognized, and for them to continue to practice their faith. I would make sure you and FI get with a priest ASAP. if this is indeed true, that you arent marryign in a catholic church before a priest, then this is going to be very problematic for your FI. if you are marrying in a catholic church, i think its really important for both you and your FI to realize that you are going to have, IMO, a very tough road ahead in your marriage when children come along given your two drastically different belief systems. not saying it cant be done, but its going to be difficult for you. for example, have you thought about how to handle questions from your children as to why you dont go to church with them? why you dont believe in God? and how do you plan to answer those questions so as to not undermine your spouses authority on raising them catholic? im just trying to stress a few points you really need to think about because it doesnt end with the wedding and ceremony, but rather that is just the start. good luck!
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

These are all things I've considered and thought about A LOT, and won't really be able to answer until I actually have children... but I think my response to why I don't go to church with them will be that I learned about God when I was a child, and it is important to have a knowledge of God, but when I reached a certain age, I made my own decision which I celebrate in my own special way, and when they are older they will be allowed to do the same.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:e17fc784-5210-4164-99a2-57e3afdf50d8">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]i just read your post and the replies on the Ceremony board. based on yoru attitude over there, i think a SERIOUS and honest discussion is needed between you and your FI. im sure you love each other very much, but unfortunately love isnt really enough when it comes to marriage.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Religion really is not going to stand in the way of that. Please refrain from giving your opinions about my life when you don't know a thing about our relationship.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

These are all things I've considered and thought about A LOT, and won't really be able to answer until I actually have children...

but see, waiting until kids arrive is TOO LATE.

also, a direct quote from you on that other thread - "This is why i hate religion".

you HATE your FI's religion. you HATE the religion that your children will be raised in.

you dont see that as a problem? you dont see how this attitude will show through to your children? you will have to support religion and support their upbringing in a religious home.

Riss91 · February 2013

Catholics are allowed to marry non-Christians. So, even a "traditional" priest shouldn't be shocked by a Catholic marrying an atheist. I haven't seen a detail of the rite of marriage for a Catholic marrying a non-Christian, so I can't confirm that the consent is different from the usual. But professor is correct - it would only be the "accept children willingly from God". I'm not sure if this can be altered without creating a problem for the validation of the Catholic marriage.

I applaud you for not wanting to be insincere. Hopefully the priest will have experience in this situation to make you more comfortable.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

based on her other thread, she is dead-set against marrying in the Church. i wonder if her FI knows this.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:a161d6bd-226e-49bb-b58c-21f0caa6bb58">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]These are all things I've considered and thought about A LOT, and won't really be able to answer until I actually have children... but see, waiting until kids arrive is TOO LATE. also, a direct quote from you on that other thread - "This is why i hate religion". you HATE your FI's religion. you HATE the religion that your children will be raised in. you dont see that as a problem? you dont see how this attitude will show through to your children? you will have to support religion and support their upbringing in a religious home.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Didn't realize posting about a simple question about my ceremony would cause all of these people to judge my relationship and my character. I will not have a religious home, and I will have no hand in their religious upbringing. I will be respectful of their religious learnings, as I respect my SO and his beliefs, but I will not compromise what I beleive either. No priest will ever know what goes on in our home. It is between myself and my future husband.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:55224cbb-2945-4af6-a452-579e8774d013">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]based on her other thread, she is dead-set against marrying in the Church. i wonder if her FI knows this.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
He knows it. He doesn't mind because he doesn't really want the ceremony to occur in a church either. BY THE WAY IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

agapecarrie · February 2013

There is a possibility of "dispensation from form" so that a couple marries outside of the church with good reason, however, to be clear, all of the elements still have to be there about the marriage--- freedom, raise children in the faith, etc

That other thread is a hot mess with all sorts of inaccuracies about what is allowed, etc

Bottom line, the vows are the same. If you find a "priest" that will change them, then the marriage won't be valid.

Resa77 · February 2013

The only tricky thing I see here is that this isn't a non-sacremental marriage. OP is a baptized Catholic who has left the faith and does not believe in God. However, baptism is an indellbile mark, so their marriage would still be sacramental. Therefore I would imagine the same ceremony would be used for them as between two Christians.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:935adc9b-a706-4e18-bc8e-9bf877d83659">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a possibility of "dispensation from form" so that a couple marries outside of the church with good reason, however, to be clear, all of the elements still have to be there about the marriage--- freedom, raise children in the faith, etc That other thread is a hot mess with all sorts of inaccuracies about what is allowed, etc Bottom line, the vows are the same. If you find a "priest" that will change them, then the marriage won't be valid.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Thank you SO SO much I will definitely be researching that.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:2a535307-498e-4b85-b92c-0b6d30ca7a6f">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]The only tricky thing I see here is that this isn't a non-sacremental marriage. OP is a baptized Catholic who has left the faith and does not believe in God. However, baptism is an indellbile mark, so their marriage would still be sacramental. Therefore I would imagine the same ceremony would be used for them as between two Christians.
Posted by Resa77[/QUOTE]

Right, I was baptised and I went through my first communion and confirmation.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

He doesn't mind because he doesn't really want the ceremony to occur in a church either.

well then he isnt a "praticing catholic" then as you initially stated, because a practicing catholic is bound to marry according to proper form.

its quite possible that he doesnt understand the ramifications of marrying outside of his faith. he really needs to consult with a priest to get a full explanation and understanding.

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:780f2803-6fe1-4c48-82ca-e670e51b0f19">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : Thank you SO SO much I will definitely be researching that.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, as I said, the elements still have to remain. The priest will ask you the questions that are normally in the wedding during your meetings with him. You still have to vow to those things.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

agapecarrie · February 2013

OK, Im sorry I mentioned it. IN your case, you won't be able to get a dispensation from form, because you are batized catholic. If both of the couple are catholic, then you must marry in the church.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

There is a possibility of "dispensation from form" so that a couple marries outside of the church with good reason,

also, they need to determine what is a good reason. your reasons might not be considered good reasons, particularly given that while you claim to be atheist, you were actually baptized catholic, so they will probably view this marriage as two catholics marrying.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:587894be-8eb2-4125-8d20-90b281d529f7">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, Im sorry I mentioned it. IN your case, you won't be able to get a dispensation from form, because you are batized catholic. If both of the couple are catholic, then you must marry in the church.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

Guess I'll lie about it then. *shrug* Is that something they can check?

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:8f188aed-2212-448b-b393-8d3017fc621a">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a possibility of "dispensation from form" so that a couple marries outside of the church with good reason, also, they need to determine what is a good reason. your reasons might not be considered good reasons, particularly given that while you claim to be atheist, you were actually baptized catholic, so they will probably view this marriage as two catholics marrying.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
How do I unbaptize myself?

Calypso1977 · February 2013

you cant unbaptize yourself (at least to my knowledge).

i cant even comment on the fact that you want to lie.

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:fa6b114a-3a64-4b6a-b84d-8c611265253e">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]you cant unbaptize yourself (at least to my knowledge). i cant even comment on the fact that you want to lie.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Ok bye! Clearly I'm going to have to lie either way

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:d5e8c3cd-eb73-47b7-8a93-57282ee6d8c5">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : Guess I'll lie about it then. *shrug* Is that something they can check?
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm going to assume the best of you here and take it that you don't know how absolutely ridiculously offensive that is.</div><div>
</div><div>Your marriage will be invalid if you lie at any point.</div><div>
</div><div>And you were already planning on having a wedding in the church, so now that you find out about this, you say you will lie? </div><div>
</div><div>The fact that you ask if you can be unbaptized shows that you don't really have an understanding of the religion that you reject. You are free to reject it, but I wish for you that you would understand what you are actually rejecting.</div>

geographtea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:f690c566-8c83-4350-b4a7-9f61950cfa24">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : I'm going to assume the best of you here and take it that you don't know how absolutely ridiculously offensive that is. Your marriage will be invalid if you lie at any point. And you were already planning on having a wedding in the church, so now that you find out about this, you say you will lie? The fact that you ask if you can be unbaptized shows that you don't really have an understanding of the religion that you reject. You are free to reject it, but I wish for you that you would understand what you are actually rejecting.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

You're right, I honestly don't understand it at all, and unfortunately that doesn't make me want to learn anything about it either.. Neither of us have ever really wanted to marry in a church, and until today I had no idea that it wasn't an option. I guess my fiance didn't know either apparently. So I guess he's a terrible catholic.

Calypso1977 · February 2013

Clearly I'm going to have to lie either way

no, as otehrs have said, you need to talk to your FI and come to agreement. if you agree on a catholic wedding, then you both need to meet with a priest and be honest with him abour your beliefs and concerns and what it will mean for your marriage. he will give guidance (although you might not like it) on the best way to proceed.

honestly, as the catholic, your FI is the one who should be figuring out the ceremony. in a way, its not even fair he's having you do this as the burden to validly marry is on him as teh catholic, not you.

agapecarrie · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:acdc9a12-7e39-42ad-946b-c35efa658c9d">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : You're right, I honestly don't understand it at all, and unfortunately that doesn't make me want to learn anything about it either.. Neither of us have ever really wanted to marry in a church, and until today I had no idea that it wasn't an option. I guess my fiance didn't know either apparently. So I guess he's a terrible catholic.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>As I said, it isn't an option for you.</div>

I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic

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