Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!

Salandria · April 2012

So my self conscious yet one of my closest friends in town was the last person I reluctantly asked to be in my party. I didnt even entertain the thought of having her as a bridesmaid just because I knew she wouldnt enjoy taking a billion pics.

All my other bridesmaids are over 5'6" and slender enough to fit nicely in any dress so I went dress shopping with this particular person for something flattering to her.

While at salons she gravitated toward anything with a broach or belt no matter how hideous. I kept reinforcing that my dress is simple and plain and Id want the bridesmaid dresses to compliment it.She also looked at more expensive dresses which I cautioned I wanted the cost to be affordable for all. She retorted that even tho its my day bridesmaids need to look nice too and price should not be a factor.

We finally found a dress that she found flattering it was a corsette type for $185, because I bought my dress there there's a $20 discount so $165 which is above what Ithought would be ideal but decided to make it up to them with gifts etc. She stated she would lose some weight before ordering (its late April wedding in Sept, dresses need to be ordered 8-10 wks ahead of time).

While chit chatting about weight loss programs she mentioned that almost $200 was way too much to spend on a dress and she's gonna look around at Ross or Burlington for something nice. Then added the only problem with sopping in these places is you always find things you dont need but cant resist buying.

Background info on her, she a spendthrift and buys anything that she rests her eyes on. Income is not an issue she's a nurse. She's disappointed me once before which worked out in my best interest but overall she's a great person and awesome friend.

However, at this point I REALLY want to releave her of the stress of being in my bridal party because I can see it going down hill really quickly from here.

How do I break it to her gently?

Salandria · April 2012

The worst part is I've already started ordering personalized gifts etc do you think someone would notice an "e" in stead of an "a"

I have another friend who I could give the tote to with a similar name but hers is spelt with an "a" while my to-be-demoted bridesmaid is spelt with an "e"

calliopeia2013 · April 2012

Ok, I really hope you're joking about all of this. If so, ha, ha, very funny, you'll get a good rise out of everyone on the boards.

In the event that you're not:

Kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship-ending move. You can only do it if you are willing to completely end your friendship, never speak to this person again, cut them completely from your life.

You should not have ASKED someone to be in your wedding party who you didn't want to be in your wedding party, because of this. But what's done is done, so here's some advice on how to proceed from here.

Since you seem to like this girl (despite being incredibly judgemental about her weight), you probably don't want to kick her out of your wedding party if you ever want her to speak to you again.

So here's what you do: step one, start standing up for yourself. I'm a big fan of letting bridesmaids pick their own dresses, but that doesn't mean you let one bridesmaid pick the dress for all the other ones without consulting any of the other ones. You MUST ask each BM what their budget is, privately, and you MUST pick a dress that is less than the lowest budget, or offer to pay the difference yourself. You cannot make up the difference in the dress budget with gifts, though you can give your BMs cash, on top of the gifts you would have already given them, to make up the difference.

If friend points out a dress that's above the budget, say "No, friend, that's above the budget; we need to find something udner X amount of money." Do not entertain for a moment her claims that everyone should suck it up because it's your wedding; that's ridiculous. I don't even know what you mean about the shopping at Ross etc. thing- is she wearing the same dress as the other BMs, or isn't she?

You don't actually have a problem here yet, you just have a bridesmaid with unrealistic expectations. All you have to do is quash them very nicely, "No, I don't really care for that dress": "No, that dress is more expensive than the other bridesmaids can pay; let's keep looking." Really, it's easy.

And no, obviously you cannot give someone a tote bag with the wrong name on it. That's the part I'm really hoping was a joke.

Salandria · April 2012

LOL Nope not joking, and no Im not critical of her weight. Shes not that big she just has her post baby belly that makes her look 6mth pregnant. I'm not skinny, actually Ive been gaining weight like its going out of style, 10lbs since I bought my dress, furthermore I have fat friends who love themselves and jump at an opportunity to play dress up and take pics. That's not the case here. She is self-conscious and typically doesnt like seeing her self in pics.

Regarding adding her to the party my fiance has 6 groomsmen I added her as the 6th to match.

I did dress shopping with my other BMs they were all up for whatever, honestly, and they had no issues with the cost I was just trying to be mindful as Im not paying for the dresses I know costs add up quickly there's more than just the dress.

That being said I do appreciate your imput. I dont think it'll cost me our friendship like I said she's let me down once in a major way but I never held it against her because it worked out perfectly fine for me. She felt guilty but I was dismissive and we moved on.

The main problem is I can wait until the last minute for her to tell me she doesnt feel like buyng the dress, or being in the bridal party which is a possibility... actually she's the type that cant say this stuff, she'll just not show up!

All the others love the dress. I do too. She's not gonna lose the weight. She told me she needs to lose 30lbs by June in order to get the dress, hello? Not going to happen! When she was talking I was dumbfounded. I now take it as a red flag for her to disappoint again but this time I cant tolerate it, this wedding planning stuff is a hand full and I work full time plus go to school full time.

Re the bag yeah I was kinda kidding about but if it comes and there's a way I can alter it I will.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:dc1ac74e-106a-4c81-a056-36f600129fcd">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]LOL Nope not joking, and no Im not critical of her weight. Shes not that big she just has her post baby belly that makes her look 6mth pregnant. I'm not skinny, actually Ive been gaining weight like its going out of style, 10lbs since I bought my dress, furthermore I have fat friends who love themselves and jump at an opportunity to play dress up and take pics. That's not the case here. She is self-conscious and typically doesnt like seeing her self in pics. Regarding adding her to the party my fiance has 6 groomsmen I added her as the 6th to match. I did dress shopping with my other BMs they were all up for whatever, honestly, and they had no issues with the cost I was just trying to be mindful as Im not paying for the dresses I know costs add up quickly there's more than just the dress. That being said I do appreciate your imput. I dont think it'll cost me our friendship like I said she's let me down once in a major way but I never held it against her because it worked out perfectly fine for me. She felt guilty but I was dismissive and we moved on. <strong>The main problem is I can wait until the last minute for her to tell me she doesnt feel like buyng the dress, or being in the bridal party which is a possibility.</strong>.. actually she's the type that cant say this stuff, she'll just not show up! All the others love the dress. I do too. She's not gonna lose the weight. She told me she needs to lose 30lbs by June in order to get the dress, hello? Not going to happen! When she was talking I was dumbfounded. I now take it as a red flag for her to disappoint again but this time I cant tolerate it, this wedding planning stuff is a hand full and I work full time plus go to school full time. Re the bag yeah I was kinda kidding about but if it comes and there's a way I can alter it I will.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, yes, you can wait until the last minute. You shouldn't be replacing bridesmaids anyway (it's horrifically rude to everyone involved to do that), so whether she backs out now or the day before your wedding, the effect on the wedding party - you'll have one less girl - will be exactly the same. Leave her alone about this and let her figure it out. She knows what dress to order and when she needs to order it. If she doesn't order it, oh well. It sounds like this kind of behavior is not new for her - I'm not sure why you were expecting her to behave any differently than she ever has before just because you're getting married.

</div>

msuprincess04 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:dc1ac74e-106a-4c81-a056-36f600129fcd">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]...Shes not that big she just has her post baby belly that makes her look 6mth pregnant. [/QUOTE] You just called your friend fat, and that she looks pregnant. Um, that's very judgy.

[QUOTE]Regarding adding her to the party my fiance has 6 groomsmen I added her as the 6th to match. [/QUOTE] You just admitted to adding her as a prop, a place filler, not as a friend. Keep that in mind about who's being what kind of friend here.

[QUOTE] I dont think it'll cost me our friendship like I said she's let me down once in a major way but I never held it against her because it worked out perfectly fine for me. [/QUOTE] Just because you felt that way in the past doens't mean she'll feel that way now. You are not taking her feelings into consideration.

[QUOTE] She's not gonna lose the weight. She told me she needs to lose 30lbs by June in order to get the dress, hello? Not going to happen! [/QUOTE] Her body issues are her own, and your role, as a friend, is to reassure her that she's beutiful and will look great in whatever dress she goes with. This may be a good place to pick a color, designer, fabric and let them pick their own dresses.

[QUOTE]Re the bag yeah I was kinda kidding about but if it comes and there's a way I can alter it I will.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE] Are the monogramed stuff they will actually use? Or something you thought was cute. Gifts are supposed to be personalized as in you bought her something she'd like because you thought about her while buying it. Not something with her name on it.

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:073a3409-2bfb-4eb8-bd68-2132b3e04bae">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : Actually, yes, you can wait until the last minute. You shouldn't be replacing bridesmaids anyway (it's horrifically rude to everyone involved to do that),
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Nope not really see I have 6 bridesmaids including her, </div><div>two are out of the country right now</div><div>one out of state heading out of country on assignment to Korea (yes she's already gotten time off to come back)</div><div>one in state but out of town</div><div>two in town the BM in question, and another who when suggesting her as a BM I said no and why. </div><div>She's not on facebook which is where I've been collectively looking at dresses etc. </div><div>Nobody else knows she's in the bridal party at this point in time. I just asked her and we immediately started looking for dresses this is after I did that with the others. </div><div>
</div><div>So she wont be embarassed publicly. </div><div>
</div><div>And NO WAY am I gonna wait till my wedding day for her to back out. LOL I can see it now her just not showing up, with me calling constantly and her not answering the phone yep. Thanks for creating that vivid image in my mind. I'm calling her today....After I sleep... this bugged me so much I woke up at 4 and couldn't go back to sleep but you've helped me make my mind up. </div><div>
</div>

Salandria · April 2012

<span class="Apple-style-span">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:31597ebb-b969-4efc-afc6-63f1714e541f">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : You just called your friend fat, and that she looks pregnant. Um, that's very judgy.... Her body issues are her own, and your role, as a friend, is to reassure her that she's beutiful and will look great in</span>Y<span class="Apple-style-span"> whatever dress she goes with..... Are the monogramed stuff they will actually use?
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

</span><div>Judgy? Nope just stating the facts I said she was not fat just looks pregnant as a description what the problem is no need to go off on a tangent would you be more confortable if I said she looks like she has a massive tumor growing in her abdomen I think not, and I wouldn't wish that on her so I'll stick with the post baby belly that looks 6 mnths. </div><div>
</div><div>I've done the reassuring thing a million times it doesnt work particuarly when pics are involved. </div><div>
</div><div>The monogramed stuff was a tote bag that Im going to be filling hopefully they'll use it. </div><div>
</div><div>"Fat" is not a bad word in my mind people tend to react strongly on weight issues that's not what I want to turn this into. </div><div>
</div><div>My frustration is from her choosing a dress after mulitple visits that does flatter her, after stating cost was not an issue, she calls to say it is now! After SHE CHOSE THE DRESS!!!</div><div>
</div><div>So forgive me for giving you background on the problem in the first place but you're missign the point. </div><div>
</div><div>Oh re me having her as a filler... seriously.... you wouldnt consider that someone who doesnt like seeing herself or having pictures taken of her would not be an ideal candidate for a bridesmaid, regardless of how close a friend she is? Come on! </div>

mbcdefg · April 2012

At this point I think you'd be doing her a favor if you booted her from your wedding. You should like a shiitty friend.

kaitlyn&henry · April 2012

This is why you dont ask people to even out sides...

its as simple as this: You cant kick her out unless you plan on ending your friendship and her being very angry and upset. There is no nice way of saying, "you werent all that important in my wedding, and since you were jsut a replacement and being too difficult with picking a dress i dont want you in my wedding anymore"

"Oh re me having her as a filler... seriously.... you wouldnt consider that someone who doesnt like seeing herself or having pictures taken of her would not be an ideal candidate for a bridesmaid, regardless of how close a friend she is? Come on! "

I dont mean to sound judgy or mean by saying this, but it seems a bit ridiculous to completely exclude asking a close friend just because she doesnt like pictures...I am sure something could be worked out if she was really that close and supportive of you. I hate having my picture taken...but i didnt find a replacement bride to have all the pictures taken for me. And NO i would not have any one as a filler...think of how you would feel if some asked you to be in there wedding as a filler??

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:54d0a436-6f9c-456b-9875-bf9b4eef8e8f">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]This is why you dont ask people to even out sides... "Oh re me having her as a filler... seriously.... you wouldnt consider that someone who doesnt like seeing herself or having pictures taken of her would not be an ideal candidate for a bridesmaid, regardless of how close a friend she is? Come on! " I dont mean to sound judgy or mean by saying this, but it seems a bit ridiculous to completely exclude asking a close friend just because she doesnt like pictures.... I hate having my picture taken...but i didnt find a replacement bride to have all the pictures taken for me. And NO i would not have any one as a filler...think of how you would feel if some asked you to be in there wedding as a filler??
Posted by kaitlyn&henry[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly I never herd of uneven sides before reading blogs last night. </div><div>
</div><div>She wasn't just a filler in my eyes, I thought I'd give her the opportunity to be in the wedding she's never been in one, and was excited about it, but she's more like a behind the scenes type person, not into the lyme ligt at all. </div><div>
</div><div>Replacement bride lol okay you got jokes now. Im not asking for her to be replaced I just dont want the drama. </div><div>
</div><div>I love weddings actually if someone wants me to fill in I'll jump in! I'd think its an honor to be asked to share in the festivites, thats the most important event in ones life (unless youre religious then its your baptism etc) I've been enough to know what a bridesmaid can do to help as well as hurt, I would want to be helpful. </div><div>
</div><div>She was SERIOUS about going to ROSS!!!!! I can laugh now because I've vented and made up my mind. </div>

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:c0724a2a-1898-4bd0-8b45-9806afc73cb8">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]At this point I think you'd be doing her a favor if you booted her from your wedding. You should like a shiitty friend.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>This. </div><div>
</div><div>You should show this post to all of your friends. They deserve to know that you think of them as props and replaceable. </div>

mbody · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:020d2032-9bc2-4dbb-98bf-e1164ee54f91">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]The worst part is I've already started ordering personalized gifts etc do you think someone would notice an "e" in stead of an "a" ;) I have another friend who I could give the tote to with a similar name but hers is spelt with an "a" while my to-be-demoted bridesmaid is spelt with an "e"
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]
Baahahaha!! Do you actually think your friend with the 'a' won't put two and two together when she sees the 'e'? She's going to know the gift wasn't intended for her. You sound like a real peach. Hopefully your 'fired' BM runs and never looks back at you.

pkontk · April 2012

This, to me, is the worst part:
The worst part is I've already started ordering personalized gifts etc do you think someone would notice an "e" in stead of an "a" I have another friend who I could give the tote to with a similar name but hers is spelt with an "a" while my to-be-demoted bridesmaid is spelt with an "e"

If she is no longer in the wedding, DO NOT REPLACE HER. And do not kick her out. As PPs said, it is a friendship ending move. I had a friend try to 'give me an out' once and I'm still not happy about it. And you know what the most hurtful thing she said was (well, one of them)? "I can't replace you either because I already ordered the personalized gifts and they're non-returnable!"

If you want to end this friendship, then go right ahead and kick her out. If you want to make another friend feel like a replacement, then go ahead and 'replace' the original girl. We're just trying to keep your friendship with this person alive, and telling you the consequences of your potential actions.

NessieGirl80 · April 2012

Why don't you have all of your bridesmaid get the same color dress, and different styles? That way your one friend who happens to be a little bit heavier than your other BM's can feel comfortable.

OR you can always just have your fat BM stand in the back of the ceremony with a box over her head and maybe she won't notice? I think that's your best bet....

sheesh.

megsch88 · April 2012

I personally feel there are times when it is appropriate to "let go" of a bridesmaid. Almost had to do it myself. Luckily I valued the relationship more. :-/

BUT If she wasn't reliable in the first place, why did you ask her? Just to even out sides? YOU created your OWN stress by asking her. Now, if you ask someone else they are going to feel like a replacement too. Honestly, at this point I would kick her out because it doesn't sound like you (especially you) or she care much about the friendship anyway, especially if she was just a filler to even out sides.

Yucky reason, hon. Good luck!

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:e49fb969-1798-4706-b950-3217fda7c203">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you have all of your bridesmaid get the same color dress, and different styles? That way your one friend who happens to be a little bit heavier than your other BM's can feel comfortable. OR you can always just have your fat BM stand in the back of the ceremony with a box over her head and maybe she won't notice? I think that's your best bet.... sheesh.
Posted by NessieGirl80[/QUOTE]

<div>DWL! </div><div>
</div><div>People "the dress" issue was solved by this BM selecting a dress she liked that flattered her and everybody else likes it. </div><div>
</div><div>The problem now is she says the dress is too expensive and she's gonna go look at discount stores (do you know what ROSS is?) and this is after she was most adamant about price not being an issue.</div><div>
</div><div>Get over her weight already she's really not that fat! I only mentioned that as the reason she was MOST integral in the dress selection, everybody else was cool with whatever was selected. </div><div>
</div><div>Wow one mention of weight and everybody gets all frazzled! </div><div>
</div><div>All stores have different colours DB has some nice dresses that everybody else was cool with but not this BM. AA had more figure flattering alternatives and the colors were not the same hence not having people select from different stores I tried various options. </div><div>
</div><div>My intention was to vent how frustrated I was at her suggesting to go to a non-bridal store because all of a sudden the dress was too expensive and its the dress she chose. And in explaining why her suggest was ridiculous I mentioned her body image concerns and the fact that SHE CHOSE THE DRESS!!! </div><div>
</div><div>The first responder had some awesome pointers the rest of you are just being unreasonably defensive and stuck on the fat issue. Okay someone else mentioned the wrongness of taking her out the party. But guess what that totally depends on her take. Remember I know her very well and KNOW she's not comfortable being in the lime light while it appears cool at first when reality sinks in it might not be such an attractive idea. </div><div>
</div><div>Had someone else posted this I would have suggested...she's going overboard by suggesting going to non-bridal shops maybe you wanna sit down and asked her how she really feels. Instead I get you called her fat you're a horrible person! dwl, right. </div><div>
</div><div>I know money is not an issue for her, we just went shopping recently and she spent $100 on sandals and trinkets. So her now stating the dress is too expensive is indicative of something.... </div><div>
</div><div>P.S the box would be for the belly which boquets hide really well so it would better serve as my cake holder ;)</div>

mbcdefg · April 2012

Why is it a bad thing to go to a "non-bridal store"?

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:04f51be5-f4db-44a3-a3fa-ad6825dd8497">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally feel there are times when it is appropriate to "let go" of a bridesmaid. Almost had to do it myself. Luckily I valued the relationship more. :-/ BUT If she wasn't reliable in the first place, why did you ask her? Just to even out sides? YOU created your OWN stress by asking her. Now, if you ask someone else they are going to feel like a replacement too. Honestly, at this point I would kick her out because it doesn't sound like you (especially you) or she care much about the friendship anyway, especially if she was just a filler to even out sides. Yucky reason, hon. Good luck!
Posted by megsch88[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the good luck wishes. I'm gonna sit her down and talk to her about it, she doesnt voice her concerns easily she'd just rather not show up which I cant afford. She's has a big heart and is the type that will not say no, but cave under pressure. </div><div>
</div><div>I dont know but you guys seem to give weddings a more definitve measure for relationships than I do. My wedding is between me and my husband everybody else is there for support. I cant imagine our friendship ending because I ask her to step out. I'm not gonna say okay youre too fat I dont want you in my wedding! She does NOT have 30lbs to lose so her suggestion that she needs to loose that before ordering the dress is a red flag to me. </div><div>
</div><div>I asked her because on a sacred day like my wedding day I want the people like her there. She just doesnt have to be a bridesmaid. We are adults this isnt "oh Im not good enough for your bridal party then Im not your friend anymore situation" there's a high chance she'll prefer being in the audience as opposed to being on the stage. We are too old for that. Our relationship has weathered worse storms. </div>

msuprincess04 · April 2012

You don't get to tell someone what they spend their money on. Just ask her what her budget is and what kind of dresses make her comfortable and work from there. It is ok to tell her that you prefer your BM dresses all go together so you'd prefer if you all shop at the same store or from the same brand. A great dress can come from Target or Macys and not just a bridal shop. They have some awesome sales going on right now.

The fat thing was just an example of people trying to point out the flaws in your thinking. Though what you ultimately choose to do to your BM is up to you. Just remember that they are friends first and foremost because any other day that's what they are, not bridesmaids.

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:d41ebcaa-bb6c-4f21-ba75-2d9443eee89a">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]This, to me, is the worst part: The worst part is I've already started ordering personalized gifts etc do you think someone would notice an "e" in stead of an "a" ;) I have another friend who I could give the tote to with a similar name but hers is spelt with an "a" while my to-be-demoted bridesmaid is spelt with an "e" If she is no longer in the wedding, DO NOT REPLACE HER. And do not kick her out. As PPs said, it is a friendship ending move. I had a friend try to 'give me an out' once and I'm still not happy about it. And you know what the most hurtful thing she said was (well, one of them)? "I can't replace you either because I already ordered the personalized gifts and they're non-returnable!" If you want to end this friendship, then go right ahead and kick her out. If you want to make another friend feel like a replacement, then go ahead and 'replace' the original girl. We're just trying to keep your friendship with this person alive, and telling you the consequences of your potential actions.
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I get you, and appreciate you and a few others being rational. </div><div>
</div><div>The other friend with the similar name is not in the country and most likely not coming to the wedding and she wouldnt be a replacement. I was just kidding, the totes did not cost that much and that's all I've ordered so far but I wish she had thought to tell me "you know this might not work" at one of our multiple sessions in the bridal shops. </div><div>
</div><div>The honest truth is some people are not up to the task to being bridesmaids they just dont realize it until they are in the position. </div><div>
</div>

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:bdee9305-2e67-4211-80a6-7b12662b268f">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't get to tell someone what they spend their money on. Just ask her what her budget is and what kind of dresses make her comfortable and work from there. It is ok to tell her that you prefer your BM dresses all go together so you'd prefer if you all shop at the same store or from the same brand. A great dress can come from Target or Macys and not just a bridal shop. They have some awesome sales going on right now. The fat thing was just an example of people trying to point out the flaws in your thinking. Though what you ultimately choose to do to your BM is up to you. Just remember that they are friends first and foremost because any other day that's what they are, not bridesmaids.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

<div>Yet another rational response, I appreciate your point on the money issue. And totally agree with you. But remember I didnt pull a catalogue point to a dress and say that's it. </div><div>
</div><div>I went to the store with multiple bridesmaids multiple times this particular one more than some and SHE CHOSE the dress. I can give it time the wedding is not till September.</div><div>
</div><div>Your last point is even stronger to me, this is my friend, and I intend to keep her my friend, as a bridesmaid? well we'll see how it works out. </div>

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:7e7d7636-ca93-4075-aa82-b8df469150a4">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : I get you, and appreciate you and a few others being rational. The other friend with the similar name is not in the country and most likely not coming to the wedding and she wouldnt be a replacement. I was just kidding, the totes did not cost that much and that's all I've ordered so far but I wish she had thought to tell me "you know this might not work" at one of our multiple sessions in the bridal shops. <strong> The honest truth is some people are not up to the task to being bridesmaids they just dont realize it until they are in the position</strong>.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]

<div>WTF is wrong with you? The problem is not that she's not up for it, the problem is that the bride is a crazy person. All she has to do is stand there and smile for pictures. There is nothing to suggest she can't handle it. </div><div>
</div><div>People are not defensive. People are shocked by how you think of someone you call a friend. Normal people care more about a stranger on the street than you do about this girl. </div>

jemmini6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:49f6e902-40a6-47a7-92bb-35b71413b2be">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : Thanks for the good luck wishes. I'm gonna sit her down and talk to her about it, she doesnt voice her concerns easily she'd just rather not show up which I cant afford. She's has a big heart and is the type that will not say no, but cave under pressure. I dont know but you guys seem to give weddings a more definitve measure for relationships than I do. My wedding is between me and my husband everybody else is there for support.<strong> I cant imagine our friendship ending because I ask her to step out.</strong> I'm not gonna say okay youre too fat I dont want you in my wedding! She does NOT have 30lbs to lose so her suggestion that she needs to loose that before ordering the dress is a red flag to me. I asked her because on a sacred day like my wedding day I want the people like her there. She just doesnt have to be a bridesmaid. We are adults this isnt "oh Im not good enough for your bridal party then Im not your friend anymore situation" there's a high chance she'll prefer being in the audience as opposed to being on the stage. We are too old for that. Our relationship has weathered worse storms.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]

You better start imagining it, because that's how it's going to happen.

H was kicked out of a WP once, he's no longer good friends with him. It's so incredibly rude and truly speaks volumes about your character that you think your one day party and having matching dresses and using your friends as props is more important than your friendships. Judging the responses you've given though, I think you'll be doing her a favor....

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:c0724a2a-1898-4bd0-8b45-9806afc73cb8">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]At this point I think you'd be doing her a favor if you booted her from your wedding. You should like a shiitty friend.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Yup.

You come across as very self-absorbed and entitled. Judgy McJudgerson.

msuprincess04 · April 2012

Because being asked to be a bridesmaid is an honor. By taking that away, you dishonor her and your relationship.

frantastic12 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:49f6e902-40a6-47a7-92bb-35b71413b2be">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : Thanks for the good luck wishes. I'm gonna sit her down and talk to her about it, she doesnt voice her concerns easily she'd just rather not show up which I cant afford. She's has a big heart and is the type that will not say no, but cave under pressure. I dont know but you guys seem to give weddings a more definitve measure for relationships than I do. <strong>My wedding is between me and my husband everybody else is there for support.</strong> I cant imagine our friendship ending because I ask her to step out. I'm not gonna say okay youre too fat I dont want you in my wedding! She does NOT have 30lbs to lose so her suggestion that she needs to loose that before ordering the dress is a red flag to me. I asked her because on a sacred day like my wedding day I want the people like her there. She just doesnt have to be a bridesmaid.<strong> </strong>We are adults this isnt "oh Im not good enough for your bridal party then Im not your friend anymore situation" there's a high chance she'll prefer being in the audience as opposed to being on the stage. We are too old for that. Our relationship has weathered worse storms.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]

Your MARRIAGE is between you and your FI. Your wedding, however, is no longer just between you and him the second you involve other people, whether it be by inviting them or by including them in the WP.

If your event is so "sacred", then why did you ask someone to be in the WP for as trivial of a reason as evening out sides?

I'm sure kicking your self-conscious friend out of your WP will work wonders for her self image....

ETA: And I believe what you meant to say was "OUR wedding".

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:3ff1a5d0-fe2c-471d-b63d-b9e2d4fe0d52">Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]So my self conscious yet one of my closest friends in town was the last person I reluctantly asked to be in my party. I didnt even entertain the thought of having her as a bridesmaid just because I knew she wouldnt enjoy taking a billion pics. All my other bridesmaids are over 5'6" and slender enough to fit nicely in any dress so I went dress shopping with this particular person for something flattering to her. While at salons she gravitated toward anything with a broach or belt no matter how hideous. I kept reinforcing that my dress is simple and plain and Id want the bridesmaid dresses to compliment it.She also looked at more expensive dresses which I cautioned I wanted the cost to be affordable for all. She retorted that even tho its my day bridesmaids need to look nice too and price should not be a factor. We finally found a dress that she found flattering it was a corsette type for $185, because I bought my dress there there's a $20 discount so $165 which is above what Ithought would be ideal but decided to make it up to them with gifts etc. She stated she would lose some weight before ordering (its late April wedding in Sept, dresses need to be ordered 8-10 wks ahead of time). While chit chatting about weight loss programs she mentioned that almost $200 was way too much to spend on a dress and she's gonna look around at Ross or Burlington for something nice. Then added the only problem with sopping in these places is you always find things you dont need but cant resist buying. Background info on her, she a spendthrift and buys anything that she rests her eyes on. Income is not an issue she's a nurse. She's disappointed me once before which worked out in my best interest but overall she's a great person and awesome friend. However, at this point I REALLY want to releave her of the stress of being in my bridal party because I can see it going down hill really quickly from here. How do I break it to her gently?
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]

JIC.....

OliveOilsMom · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:c98ef41e-860c-4223-af05-ee60cae3f489">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : Honestly I never herd of uneven sides before reading blogs last night. She wasn't just a filler in my eyes, I thought I'd give her the opportunity to be in the wedding she's never been in one, and was excited about it, but she's more like a behind the scenes type person, not into the lyme ligt at all. Replacement bride lol okay you got jokes now. Im not asking for her to be replaced I just dont want the drama.
<strong>I love weddings actually if someone wants me to fill in I'll jump in! I'd think its an honor to be asked to share in the festivites, thats the most important event in ones life (unless youre religious then its your baptism etc) I've been enough to know what a bridesmaid can do to help as well as hurt, I would want to be helpful.
</strong>She was SERIOUS about going to ROSS!!!!! I can laugh now because I've vented and made up my mind.
Posted by Salandria[/QUOTE]

You said it right here that its an honor to be asked to share in the festivities. Now think about how it would feel if you were a BM and the bride asked you to NOT be one anymore. Don't you think it would hurt? Don't you think you would look at your friend, the bride differently after that happens?

Also, you mentioned how your friend doesn't like having her picture taken. My H hates having his picture taken, should we have excluded him from the day, just so that he didn't have to be in any pictures? He's an adult and he sucked it up! I'm sure your BM will do the same for you. Besides, after a while, you don't even notice the photographer.

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:62693f0e-6ca1-47b8-86d1-0513c3e83e3d">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : You better start imagining it, because that's how it's going to happen. H was kicked out of a WP once, he's no longer good friends with him. It's so incredibly rude and truly speaks volumes about your character that you think your one day party and having matching dresses and using your friends as props is more important than your friendships. Judging the responses you've given though, I think you'll be doing her a favor....
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>Hmmm I wonder how that groom feels about the loss of your hubbys friendship and more so how he felt about his character that prompted him to remove him from his most sacred ceremony....- you might feel its incredibly rude because of your husbands experience and naturally you've taken his side in the matter. But there are always three sides to a story. </div><div>
</div>

Salandria · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-dress-drama-ugh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:244533b4-2eef-44c9-8924-6c44a58ced34Post:89fee226-ae5f-48db-ab8d-d68f82f48891">Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid dress drama ugh! : You said it right here that its an honor to be asked to share in the festivities. Now think about how it would feel if you were a BM and the bride asked you to NOT be one anymore. Don't you think it would hurt? Don't you think you would look at your friend, the bride differently after that happens? Also, you mentioned how your friend doesn't like having her picture taken. My H hates having his picture taken, should we have excluded him from the day, just so that he didn't have to be in any pictures? He's an adult and he sucked it up! I'm sure your BM will do the same for you. Besides, after a while, you don't even notice the photographer.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

<div>If only we could just like posts ;) </div><div>
</div><div>Maybe I would but it totally depends on the circumstances if I had gone through dozens of dresses and found one and was overjoyed and declared that to be the dress only then to state its too expensive after I scoffed at the idea of money being a problem uummmm I would expect some reprecussions and certainly would NEVER have done this. Actually the only wedding I had a say in my dress was when I was a maid of honor. The other weddings I was told what the dress was and I gladly got it and enjoyed every bit of being a bridesmaid. </div><div>
</div><div>As for your hubby, that is so typical of men. They come around eventually. Im trying to get my FI to take pics for our invitations you'd think I was pulling teeth from him with pliers. </div><div>
</div><div>Points taken though. </div>

Bridesmaid dress drama ugh!

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