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Moms and Maids

Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!

So my sister is my matron of honor and my bff was my maid of honor in the summer. After drama issues, she told me she didnt want to be in my wedding so we are not friends anymore. I promoted my cousin from bridesmaid to maid of honor. Now im in the same position as before. My MOH, cousin Jackie, does not want to do anything. She doesnt want to give a speech, and i was fine with that. Then she said she cant afford to buy anything for the bachloreette party, bridal shower and anything that included $$$. Now she doesnt want to do the bridesmdaids dance. Not because she is shy or doesnt like it.. She doesnt want to do it because she doesnt FEEL like it.
I told her if she doesnt want any resposbilities that she can be a bridemsaid and i can have another one of my good friends be promoted to MOH. She told me shes not sure yet what she wants to do.
So what should i do??? We need her for the dance because we are in pairs. If shes not in the dance, we have to re-choreograph it. And if shes not reliable now, she might not be reliable later on for the more important stuff. She is my cousin and I love her. I dont want this to ruin our relationship. But if shes not going to help me then she doesnt deserve to be the MOH. Any suggestions?

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Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!

  • In Response to Re:Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:[QUOTE]So my sister is my matron of honor and my bff was my maid of honor in the summer. After drama issues, she told me she didnt want to be in my wedding so we are not friends anymore. I promoted my cousin from bridesmaid to maid of honor. Now im in the same position as before. My MOH, cousin Jackie, does not want to do anything. She doesnt want to give a speech, and i was fine with that. Then she said she cant afford to buy anything for the bachloreette party, bridal shower and anything that included . Now she doesnt want to do the bridesmdaids dance. Not because she is shy or doesnt like it.. She doesnt want to do it because she doesnt FEEL like it. I told her if she doesnt want any resposbilities that she can be a bridemsaid and i can have another one of my good friends be promoted to MOH. She told me shes not sure yet what she wants to do. So what should i do??? We need her for the dance because we are in pairs. If shes not in the dance, we have to rechoreograph it. And if shes not reliable now, she might not be reliable later on for the more important stuff. She is my cousin and I love her. I dont want this to ruin our relationship. But if shes not going to help me then she doesnt deserve to be the MOH. Any suggestions? Posted by rks421[/QUOTE]

    There's a whole lot wrong with this post. First, if you keep losing your friends because of your MOH expectations, you should have figured out that this is a problem with you. Not them. Second, the MOH has no duties beyond buying a dress within her budget and showing up sober. Anything else is voluntary. That includes planning or paying for parties. Third, MOH is an honor, a way to say thank you, not a job. Stop treating your friends like employees. Fourth, coreographed dances are work. Workers get paid. Remember that. Hopefully you realize all that's wrong here.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    Jen&Mike8
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What is a bridesmaid dance?
  • There is obviously not a problem with me. It is my day and all i ask is for my bridesmaids to do a dance with me.. thats not so hard to ask. And to help plan and organize the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which are typical of what the bridemsiads are supposeto do. Second, yes, maid of HONOR. They should honor the fact that i asked them to be in my wedding and should help me with the things i need the most. ORGANIZATION
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]So my sister is my matron of honor and my bff was my maid of honor in the summer. After drama issues, she told me she didnt want to be in my wedding so we are not friends anymore. I promoted my cousin from bridesmaid to maid of honor. Now im in the same position as before. My MOH, cousin Jackie, does not want to do anything. She doesnt want to give a speech, and i was fine with that. Then she said she cant afford to buy anything for the bachloreette party, bridal shower and anything that included $$$. Now she doesnt want to do the bridesmdaids dance. Not because she is shy or doesnt like it.. She doesnt want to do it because she doesnt FEEL like it. I told her if she doesnt want any resposbilities that she can be a bridemsaid and i can have another one of my good friends be promoted to MOH. She told me shes not sure yet what she wants to do. So what should i do??? We need her for the dance because we are in pairs. If shes not in the dance, we have to re-choreograph it. And if shes not reliable now, she might not be reliable later on for the more important stuff. She is my cousin and I love her. I dont want this to ruin our relationship. But if shes not going to help me then she doesnt deserve to be the MOH. Any suggestions?
    Posted by rks421[/QUOTE]
    FFS, really?  Did you bother to lurk at all?

    NO WP DANCE.  NO DUTIES.  NO REPLACEMENTS. 



  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!! : Ok, you are honoring THEM by giving them the title, not the other way around.  You've got it backwards.  Also, showers and bachelorette parties are gifts not mandatory requirements. You can't tell people to plan parties for you, it's not polite. Despite what the wedding industry people tell you, planning these things are NOT requirements of your bridesmaids.They are people you choose to stand beside you because you love and treasure them.  They're not hired party planners. My maid of honor was my 21-year-old sister because she is so special to me and wanted to honor her role in my life.  She was a flat broke college student who lived out of state.  As a result, she didn't help with either the shower or bachelorette. She wasn't demoted because of her situation; she remained maid of honor because she is a very special person in my life.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    This.  You need to dial back your expectations.  My little sister was also my MOH (also young, in school, financially tapped out because of that).  I never once thought anyone else - with more money, planning time, dance skills (please don't force people to dance) - should be standing up with me.  Get your FI to help you plan your wedding, drag him to dance lessons if you want a special routine, and realize you get very little say what kind of shower or bachelorette you get.  These are gifts given to you, not requirements to get married.

    ETA: grammar
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  • In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]There is obviously not a problem with me. It is my day and all i ask is for my bridesmaids to do a dance with me.. thats not so hard to ask. And to help plan and organize the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which are typical of what the bridemsiads are supposeto do. Second, yes, maid of HONOR. They should honor the fact that i asked them to be in my wedding and should help me with the things i need the most. ORGANIZATION
    Posted by rks421[/QUOTE]

    This post is a blow by blow of what the real problem is. You have bridezilla expectations.  Also. Bridal party dances are hated by guests.  It is one more dance they have to sit through before THEY can hit the floor.  Do the first dance and parent dances and let your poor guests hit the floor.  I wouldn't want to do your dance either.
    YOU are the problem here.
  • So, you say all you ask of your MOH is to do a dance, but then you go on to say that you also expect her to help plan your shower and bachelorette party AND help you organize the wedding? 1.If people keep wanting to drop out, then the problem is you. 2. You already have a matron of honor, why do you need a maid of honor? 3. Stop "promoting" people 4. MOH is supposed to go to who is closest to you, not who will help you the most 5. Ask your FI for help with the wedding if you need it 6. Wedding party dances are not fun 7. Pre-wedding parties are not a right, you don't have to have one and you can't EXPECT someone to throw you one
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  • I pretty much reiterate all that is said. You're an awful bride. These are your FRIENDS, and all they're really required to do is emotionally support you up to a normal amount. That does not mean catering to your tantrums.
  • In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]There is obviously not a problem with me. It is my day and all i ask is for my bridesmaids to do a dance with me.. thats not so hard to ask. And to help plan and organize the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which are typical of what the bridemsiads are supposeto do. Second, yes, maid of HONOR. They should honor the fact that i asked them to be in my wedding and should help me with the things i need the most. ORGANIZATION
    Posted by rks421[/QUOTE]

    Get over yourself!

     

  • Do not make your bridesmaids do a ridiculous dance.  They don't want to do it and the guests don't want to watch it.
  • Wow. Calm down.

    1) you already lost one friend over this. Are you willing to lose another (who is FAMILY no less) over the same thing?
    2) You are SIX MONTHS away from your wedding. Even if she doesn't want to do the dance (which I wouldn't want to either), you have SIX MONTHS to re-choreograph. I'm pretty sure you can manage to choreograph a silly little jig to a 3 minute song in 6 months. That's 1/2 a minute a month. You can do it.
    3) Parties are optional. It is really rude, disrespectful, and plain selfish to be angry at people for not buying you things.
    4) Being MOH is an honor to the person who is MOH not an honor to you. It is something you do because you love someone and want everyone to know how much they mean to you. It is not a job, it is not a wedding coordinator, and they don't need to be reliable for anything but showing up to the wedding. You say you don't want to ruin your relationship, so stop treating your friends like slaves and back off.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Wow! You are going through friends fast. You are expecting too much. Bridesmaids and MOHs are not, and never have been, expected to throw parties for the bride. Showers are a gift to the bride and can be hosted by anyone, except the bride or groom. Neither should they be expected to help plan the wedding. The wedding party dance went out about 20 years ago (thank God). Why in the world would you put your dear ones in the position of either dancing with a stranger or loosing your friendship?

    These are the real world duties of bms and the MOH: buy the agreed upon dress. Show up sober, on time and in a good mood the day of the wedding. Anything else they may volunteer to do is extra and you should make sure they know you are extremely grateful.

    Your wedding is very important. But it is a one day event and you will still want to have friends after it's over.
                       
  • Maids* of Honor*

    Sorry, that's been bugging me.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't think you are going to have any friends left after this wedding, if you keep treating them this way.  PP have stated it already. Lower your expectations and give up the bridesmaid dance! 
  • I think people have a lot of different ideas when it comes to MOH and bridesmaids' duties. In my experience the younger generation (including me) has taken the position that the bridesmaid (including MOH) just have to show up on the big day. However, old school notions prevail. Back in college, when I told one of my managers at my part-time job that I needed to take off to go to a Brial Shower, she started asking me questions about what I was doing for it. Truth was, I was GOING to it, and that was about it. Even going was a big deal for me because I was always broke at the time, and I had to drive 8 hours to be there. The bride's mother was throwing the shower. My manager gave me a long lecture on what it meant to be a bridesmaid in her day.

    From the beginning, you should really be clear with your party on what you expect from them, and if you have a lot of expectations, don't be angry if a few girls just can't commit. I have two MOHs. They are my FI's younger sisters. I don't expoect anything from them. I had hoped maybe they would take an interest in the wedding and want to help me, but to date they don't even answer my e-mails or texts. I just end up asking their mom, and she makes the decisions for her daughters. My MOHs probably won't even be able to come to the RD, and you know what, that's ok. I wanted to honor them as my future sister-in-laws, and I didn't want to pick amongst my good friends. Mission accomplished.

    If you need someone to help out with your wedding plans, think about a wedding coordinator. Hell, my mom helps me more than anyone. I know you are frustrated, but take a few days and read your comment again. You may be asking someone to do a job they never signed up for. A wedding is one day, friendshships and family are for much longer. 

    And if you don't get the shower or bachelorette party you wanted, so what? On the plus side it is one less event that you have to buy a white dress (that you'll likely never wear again) for. You'll get your presents at the wedding, and everyone can party it up then.

    Remember, you can't change your MOH, but you can change your expectations and save a loving relationship.
  • TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    Aimee, it is not a generational thing. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, all the stay at home mom friends of the MOB gave luncheons, showers, and parties for the bride and invited the WP. It is only since all the MOB's friends and herself are now working, and the younger generation is now working, that your generation is graciously hosting parties. rks421, the problem definitely is your expectations! Your WP may choose to give you parties or may choose not to give you parties. Same for any crafty wedding projects you dream up. Same for any gatherings, other than trying to make it to a bridesmaid dress shopping.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    Another dinosaur, here. Back in the ice age, bms were not expected to give showers. Usually, the moms had the biggest, best supplied caves.So one of them would invite the closest relatives and friends to sit around her fire (or another senior relatives fire) and celebrate the upcoming marriage and their love for the bride with simple gifts and refreshments. Usually, not always, the bms would act as hostesses - take coats at the door and help serve punch. Everyone would watch the bride open her gifts - toasters, can openers, placemats, baking pans, crocheted toilet paper covers  etc... we were very primitive back then, so there weren't usually extravagant gifts such as Dysons and Kitchenaide stand mixers. But we were happy. You know why? Because we didn't expect much.

    Also, the POB, not the bms, planned the wedding - because they were paying for it. But that's another story.
                       
  • tiny specktiny speck member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]Maids* of Honor* Sorry, that's been bugging me.
    Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

    Thanks you for this! It was bugging me too and I was just about to post something similar.

    OP, you really need to tone it down and take a long hard look at how you've been treating your friends.
  • sigh all these nasty entitlement issues are giving me a headache to read about. Imma go take a nap, not worth the time to explain to OP how nasty she's being if she can't figure it out herself.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    Wow - Bridezilla needs a reality check!  Yes it's your day to get married - thats it!

    Bridal showers and bachelorette parties - yes they are common in most circles. But they are not REQUIRED. If someone offers to throw you one of these then you can graciously accept but asking for one is WAY WAY out of line.  And you shouldnt be involved in planning them anyway.

    Maid of honor means that this is your closest person to you and you can't imagine not having them up there with you to share your special day. It does not mean she needs to honor you.

    And who are you to judge someone's financial situation?? People have their own lives, bills and expenses. You are not Queen of the universe and your wedding is not some grand celebrity event everyone is dying to attend.

    If you're this demanding of your friends I can't even imagine what you ask of your fiance. Sorry but you put a bad taste in my mouth. Get over yourself

    Edited - And FYI as for a a bridal party dance. Did you even bother to ask your WP if they are comfortable with this? I had one friend do this and it was. I had no idea who the guy was and my boyfriend at the time was at the wedding and it was super akward and uncomfortable.
  • In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]Aimee, it is not a generational thing. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, all the stay at home mom friends of the MOB gave luncheons, showers, and parties for the bride and invited the WP. It is only since all the MOB's friends and herself are now working, and the younger generation is now working, that your generation is graciously hosting parties. Posted by va4ryans[/QUOTE]

    In my experience, I have been expected by aunts and grandmothers and mothers to be more involved in the planning process than just "showing up and buying the dress." This is my experience. I grew up around weddings where the bridesmaid were expected to be very involved and were. A MOH was the bride's right hand woman. I've even been a bridesmaid in the type of wedding and dealt with a lot of WP drama in that wedding because everyone had a different expectation of what we were supposed to do.
     
    Might be a southern thing. Might be a generational thing. Point being, there is a point of view out there that bridesmaids and MOHs in particular help you plan. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but I've seen more of it from mothers and aunts. It's not what I expect from my maids. It would thrill me if my MOHs even asked me how the wedding plans were going. I'd be shocked and delighted if they even seemed happy about the wedding.

    And I never called anyone a dinosaur or a cave person. I want to be clear on that part.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    Aimee, we were being silly. I called myself a dinosaur. I was trying to say that back in my day, we did not expect the bm to plan showers, bps (actually my friends and I didn't have those), or help plan the wedding. From my vantage point, these ideas are promoted by the wedding industry and shows, such as Bridezilla.


                       
  • Retread... I knew the thing about Queen Victoria, but not much else. Interesting read. Thanks for sharing.

    I can't wait to tell my bridesmaids that their new goal rather than just showing up is to show up AND ward off demons. Scratch that purple dress. We're going for a Buffy the Vampire Slayer look now! They should get a kick out of that. :)
  • I didn't even start this thread. I just shared my experiences. I was looking for a place to talk to people about wedding stuff because it makes me happy, but not if I'm going to have to defend myself all the time and be told that the people I know and love are entitled. 
  • edited November 2012
    Ah. I love it here. I hope the OP actually read all this sage advice. And Retread...thank you. Best laugh of the night.
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  • Geeze, i thought this site was to help me. Not bash me and my thoughts. Ive only been to one wedding my whole life so im going into thi knowing nothing.. thanks for the rude/unhelpful comments
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  • Treating your family and friends with respect and not like your bridal servants has nothing to do with wedding knowledge. It's common sense.
  • edited November 2012
    Yeah, it was the bratty replies that made me too tired to try to be helpful. OP, you've gotten lots of info on how to be a gracious and loving good friend. If you don't care about that, fine, own it and be a complete unrepentant roughshod with people's feelings. They'll appreciate the upfront approach so they don't have to waste their time being friends, then have you turn on them at the full moon like you have been doing.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • In Response to Re: Maid of Honors are Hard to find!!:
    [QUOTE]I didn't even start this thread. I just shared my experiences. I was looking for a place to talk to people about wedding stuff because it makes me happy, but not if I'm going to have to defend myself all the time and be told that the people I know and love are entitled. 
    Posted by AimeeRab[/QUOTE]


    AimeeRab, I am sorry that I didn't make myself clear. You do not seem at all entitled or demanding. Only the OP seems to be. I called myself a dinosaur. Anyone can give the gift of a party. I agree that talking wedding is fun. I wish my DD lived closer so we could talk about her wedding nonstop.
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