When did you "know?" (sort of long)

Elle1036 · January 2013

One of my friends (a guy who goes to school with H) got engaged recently. He seems really happy, so I'm happy for him, but I can't help side-eyeing a little due to a combination of factors:

His new fiancee is barely 22 (and he's 24).
They've been dating for 5 months.
They've been long-distance for 4 of those 5 months.
He was engaged before and ended that engagement in December 2011 -- a little over a year ago.
They're planning to get married this summer, at which time they'll have been together about year.

Also, he's been using that whole "when you know, you know" line. (I mean, if a newb came on here describing her relationship with the stats above, we would all side-eye at least a little, right?)

But that's not the point of this post.

I was talking to him about it the other night and he handled my skepticism gracefully -- agreed that it was fast, laughed when I teased him about being "an expert at proposals by now," etc. And then he started talking about how he knew after one date that he wanted to be with her forever and started planning the proposal right away and 5 months was just the longest he could make himself wait.

I started feeling a little wistful because I never felt that way about H and I'm pretty sure he never felt that way about me. I definitely knew right away that he was a wonderful person and I hoped I would have him in my life in the future, and there were several events - spaced out over several years - that helped us grow closer and closer, but our relationship grew steadily and, alas, slowly. I could have walked away after the first month (or even the first year, really) and not been too broken-hearted over it. Am I the only one?

If I'm honest with myself, I still don't "know" that H is the right one for me. I don't really think it's possible to know something like that, but my friend sure seems to.

Anyway, I wrote this whole novel just to ask: was there a moment when you "knew?" When did it happen? How? If you haven't had that moment, do you ever wish you had? Basically, just talk to me about how your relationship progressed from first meeting to now.;

lilphillips14 · January 2013

When FI and I met the first time (after knowing each other for a while over the internet as best friends and then people who were interested in each other), I knew. He walked in the door, I saw him, and I just....knew. He and I locked eyes and I have never forgotten that moment, even as forgetful as I am. I knew I liked him before that, but I knew I really loved him in that moment before he even spoke a word to me.

Peaseblossom55 · January 2013

Before I go to bed....

For me with my BF it was not right away either. I knew right off the bat he was handsome, funny, kind and we got along really well. It took a few months for to realize he was the one, less than 6 months though 4 may be. It knew right away he was a great guy and was treating me great! I think I had issues from being screwed over by my last boyfriend to really trust my instincts and fall without being hurt.

I've dated long enough to know without a doubt BF and I are a great pair. I know I deserve him and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I am quite greatful for years of bad relationships and online dating. I hope I make sense this late at night and after a beer.

Shiroyasha · January 2013

I know I'm NEY, but as stupid and BSC as this may sound, I knew within the first six months that I could see myself marrying him. However, it took a small break in the relationship just before our 2 year anniversary for me to realize that whether he ever proposes or not, I'd gladly be with him until one of us kicks the bucket. It took walking away from my BF for me to realize just how much he meant to me.

I thought that this would be much wordier than it is. I guess I just sort of knew I wanted to be with only him once we had some time apart to think about ourselves and the relationship.

Sorry if the thoughts are sort of muddled.

PrincessJas · January 2013

Hi OP. I know exactly how you feel (and am so glad someone else feels this way!)! I have always believed (and still believe), that there is not just one perfect person to be in a relationship with out there - I believe you could be happy with any number of people, and it's just a matter of the one you stumble upon and realize is the right match for you first (lucky him!). After that, the desire to keep looking goes away.

I knew from the first conversation with my FI that he and I could be good friends, and when we became great friends, I could see the potential for an amazing lifelong relationship because of how much we enjoy each other's company, how many interests we share and the fun we have, how well we work together (more importantly, even), and our identical life goals . As that relationship developed and we learned the extent of our compatability, I knew for sure that I could marry him and live as happy a life as a person can. But I also recognized from the outset that there will be hardships along the way, times when I will be sure I made the wrong decision in marrying him, and that we will have to rely on being friends and people who respect and communicate with one another to get through those times.

So, no, there was never a "when you know, you know" fairytale "everything will be perfect from here on out" moment as you are describing. Maybe I'm just too practical and skeptical to believe in love at first sight, though.

PS - My fiance informed me a couple of weeks ago that he never, ever expected to be romantically involved with me, much less to marry me! Keep in mind we worked together for about 2 years before we even starting hanging out. From the outset, he said that I wasn't his type (physically or behaviorally), but he did want to be good friends with me because I was so fun to bum around with. So, I guess my perspective is mutual in our relationship.

kiddodarling2010 · January 2013

I knew my H was the one 3 months into our friendship. Unfortunately he was with someone at the time so I had to wait until he was single and then after 2 weeks of dating he told me that I was his one.

leia1979 · January 2013

Elle, I absolutely get what you're saying. About six months in, I was confident enough in our relationship to want to live together. At that point, we both agreed to live together with the thought that we intended this to be serious, with marriage as the likely outcome. However, I can't say I *knew*. I'm just too cautious a person for that. On the other end of the spectrum, my grandparents knew after one day and married a week later. They were married for 50 years.

ravenray · January 2013

I didn't really know until after I came back from Germany. I actually had kind of wanted to break up with him before I left but he told me he wasn't sticking around if I did, so I hung on. But after all we went through dealing with long distance hell I knew that our relationship was worth it and that we could go all the way. That was a little after 7 months into our relationship.

I feel like evaluating your relationship next to other people's relationship is kind of like expecting sex to be like romance novel sex. I have never vibrated when a man has touched me, and maybe some people do, but in my story, I never will. Likewise, some people have the “I knew” moment and others don’t.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

FI and I were classmates and began to spend time together outside of class. The problem was he was in a relationship going on four years. It was very shaky and not something we're proud of but we both knew that our feelings for each other were strong and genuine. He ended the relationship and we began our relationship. We both lost friends and the respect of a few fellow classmates but we don't regret our decision to be together. Our wedding is at the end of this year, our families are happy for us, we're getting a house together and are excited about starting a family when the time is right.

cu97tiger · January 2013

DH and I interacted through email, texts, phone calls, and videos for 2.5 months before we met. The day we met, maybe two hours after we first laid eyes on each other, I knew. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was home when I was with him. However, I was still practical enough to tell him 'let's wait' when he wanted to get married shy of a year after we met. While I loved him, the truth is it is impulsive and risky to not spend the timing getting to know someone better before you marry them. Yes, it can work out ex: Leia's grandparents but really there is very little upside. And ohysiologically, you cannot tell the difference between love and lust at the early stages of a relationship. TL:DR I knew day 1. Waited almost four years to marry him.

buddysmom80 · January 2013

Elle,

I totally get where you're coming from. I never had that moment of "yup, I want to spend the rest of my life with you". If you ask him when he felt that way, it would've been on our first trip to Mexico. We were only together for five months, he told me he loved me. I told him I felt the same way but I don't think I had the same moment like he did.

I was hurt so bad in a past relationship. It was three years of abuse, lies, cheating (and getting an 18 year old pregnant) that I had my feelings boxed up for a while. I'll be honest I'll still hold back. I don't want him to freak out and leave. If he left though, I think I'd be okay.

When we first started talking, I didn't think that two years later we'd be living together and talking marriage. But, he's the only guy I've been with that's made me happy every day.

Swazzle · January 2013

I never had an actual moment where I was like "omg I'm going to marry him". We talked about marriage pretty early on in our relationship. We started dating in June, moved in together in October, and talked about marriage in December. We were only 22 at the time and so it wasn't 100% serious but we both knew that someday when we were older, more mature, and settled with our jobs, we would get married. I had never felt that with anyone before, including my very serious college boyfriend who I was with for 4 years.

Chipmunk415 · January 2013

It took a while. When we first met, I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go on another date with him. But I figured "one date is not enough for this decision" and went out again. A few weeks later, we cooked dinner at my place, discussing life and individual goals. I mentioned how I loved my nieces, he said he loved kids, and asked if I thought I wanted them myself. I responded yes, but not until I had a ring on my finger, at which point he put down the tequila (he was cooking fajitas for cinco de mayo, his tequila and lime fajitas are the best I've ever tasted), and asked what kind of ring would I want. Completely serious.

It wasn't till a few months later that I realized I'd fallen in love with this man, and he with me. We'll have been together for three years this April, have a place together, and next week the family heirloom ring will be done with resizing! I can't wait!

loves2shop4shoes · January 2013

When H and I met, I immediately knew he was different than anyone I had ever met. We dated semiseriously for the first year and it slowly got progressively more serious. The first time he went with me to spend the weekend at my mother's house, and he got to see her insanity for all it's glory, and saw how I grew up, he never judged me. He never said anything bad besides, "I'm so sorry. All this time I thought you were exaggerating, but I've never been so exhausted in my life." Then a few months later, I was very very sick. I had to be hospitalized for dehydration because I'd had a fever for a week, and I was losing water faster than I was taking it in. Well, H brought me to the hospital at 3am. He sat by my bed. He called my parents. He met my dad for the first time in that hospital room. I woke up to him saying, "Hello Mr. F. I'm J. I've been dating your daughter." Our relationship had a few bumps early on, but was overall consistently amazing, never abusive, and never felt like work, I knew for sure out 2nd Christmas together. I had gotten into a HUGE fight with my mother. So bad that I had to spend 100 on a cab to get me to a train that would take me from NY to Boston. H met me at the train station and gave me a hug. He never said a word. He just listened and said "I'm here for you. I'll take care of you. It's going to be alright." At that point I knew that he was my best friend. The best friend I'd ever have. And he'd always support me, even through my crazy family nonsense. At that point I knew that I found "it".

[Deleted User] · January 2013

H and I were close friends who dated briefly and broke up. a little later, the second (and last!) time we dated, he said that he knew if I would get back together with him that he would marry me.

we didn't date very long the second time before we got engaged. I can't say that I "knew" at any certain point, but from the beginning I never doubted it. does that make sense? I don't know how else to describe it. there was never really an "aha!" moment that I can remember thinking, THIS IS IT!... but from the beginning I never doubted we would marry; I just didn't know when. and it turned out sooner, rather than later.

CASK85 · January 2013

I don't think I ever had an ah ha moment. I knew he was special about 3 months in to our dating. I knew I wanted to marry him about a year after we moved in together. But now, just about every day I have a moment where I'm just in awe of how perfect we are for each other.

peekaboo2011 · January 2013

I basically knew from the get go.

We started talking while I was in SC for work before I went to FL, and after a friend of my roommate's tried to break into my room drunk one night to sleep with me, he flipped out (we were doing 3 hour skype sessions, nightly).

Our first date he did a ton of research to make sure I didn't get sick at the restaurant he picked, and he brought me a dozen gluten free cupcakes as a birthday present. I knew at that point he was pretty freaking special and I wasn't going to let go easily.

A few weeks later I went to FL for an internship, and the family that I was renting a room from was horrible. Three days after being there I went for a sunset run on the beach and managed to lose my car. I called him bawling, called the police, and he was halfway out the door to get an oil change so he could drive down to come get me. The police drove me down another half mile and we found my car. He flew down the second weekend I was there to surprise me and make things better.

When I came home and got a job, and then quit four months later, he held me while I cried, kept me pushing when I was temping, and even spent a full week before the conference I put together making sure I stayed sane and fed.

When we got pizza a few weeks ago, and it turned out to not be gluten free after I ate an entire slice, he ran to the store to get me as much medication as possible to make me comfortable, and spent a full 20 minutes before I fell asleep trying to help me get comfortable. When I woke up from my benadryl coma at 3am, he was asleep on the floor because he didn't want to move me.

For Christmas he bought me a leatherbound Alice In Wonderland and other stories Lewis Carroll anthology, and promised me that some day he'd be able to get me the first edition I want.

And all week, he's been at my new apartment late with me, setting up my new furniture, carrying all of the boxes up the stairs, and insisting I come stay with him instead of sleeping on an air mattress.

Basically, ever since the beginning, it's been about us. Not about him or me, although he's been amazing to me, but about making sure that we're both happy and healthy and moving forward. Before him, I hadn't been with anyone who not only cared so much about my well being, but didn't resent me for my gluten issues. Knowing how he treats me, I know that eventually, he's going to make an amazing father. And I know that while I deserve him and all of the happiness, I still feel incredibly lucky to have him in my life. Also, the sex is amazing.

Excuse me, I'm crying in happiness over here. You can go vomit now.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Elle - I think what you're feeling is completely normal.

I probably have very different views than some gals, but I've never believed that there is only 1 person out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people I could fall in love with for very different reasons. I've always felt that the most successful relationships are based on a deep self awareness and the confidence of each person to express the truest version of themselves to their partner. Does this make sense?

There was a very specific moment when I realized I could see myself with FI long term. We had a very open and honest conversation (about 2-3 months in) where I shared a part of myself that I've never shared with anyone, event to this day. Being able to have that level of comfort with each other, to be able to share something with him that was so personal and private - and his ability to hear and accept it so gracefully...that is what blew me away.

I still believe that if for any reason things ended between FI and I (not that I could even imagine that)...I'd be able to eventually pick up the pieces and move forward. I still believe there would eventually be others I could fall in love with.

By acknowledging that each person in the relationship has other "options"...you come to the realization that your partner is making a conscious decision each and every day of their lives to share their life with you. How amazing is that? It is such a powerful gift...and in this way, I feel we will never take each other for granted.

Just my two cents though...

Hummingbird125 · January 2013

I think it was a little tough for me because while I was really into BF from the moment we met, he was also my first very serious relationship, so I didn't really 'trust' myself for a while. I think, for a while, I was just hoping we made it to four months, then eight months, then a year - just so I could say I had a relationship that lasted a while! BF and I have talked about our first few weeks/months together many times, and we both were "afraid to mess it up" for a while. It was like we both thought "Wow - this is really good!" but since neither of us had been in a serious relationship as an adult, we weren't sure how it compared to other relationships, or - even if it was a great as we thought it was - if it would last very long.

Like you, Elle, I don't remember one specific moment when I was like "This is it!" It was just a series of little moments and big milestones throughout the past 2 years. Deciding to move in together after only 8 months (I was SO worried that was a big mistake), spending all of our first holidays with my entire family, going on vacation together, going on vacation with his family, spending holidays with his family, moving to a new apt. together, and getting a puppytogether, have all strengthened our relationship by leaps and bounds. I've probably imagined marrying him once in a while since we had been together for about 6mos...but I just feel more and more certain of it every day.

BF has been mentioning little wedding/marriage-related things here and there lately, so I know it's on his mind. I'd bet every dollar I have that we're going to get engaged this year, so I'm just enjoying every day we have as BF/GF. It's a good place to be.

Peaseblossom55 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-did-you-know-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45065d97-d7fa-4f02-af50-2532d995cafdPost:a362a1fa-68ab-47d1-8f84-eed0efc0b2fa">Re: When did you "know?" (sort of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Elle - I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I probably have very different views than some gals, but I've never believed that there is only 1 person out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people I could fall in love with for very different reasons. I've always felt that the most successful relationships are based on a deep self awareness and the confidence of each person to express the truest version of themselves to their partner. Does this make sense? There was a very specific moment when I realized I could see myself with FI long term. We had a very open and honest conversation (about 2-3 months in) where I shared a part of myself that I've never shared with anyone, event to this day. Being able to have that level of comfort with each other, to be able to share something with him that was so personal and private - and his ability to hear and accept it so gracefully...that is what blew me away. I still believe that if for any reason things ended between FI and I (not that I could even imagine that)...I'd be able to eventually pick up the pieces and move forward. I still believe there would eventually be others I could fall in love with. By acknowledging that each person in the relationship has other "options"...you come to the realization that your partner is making a conscious decision each and every day of their lives to share their life with you. How amazing is that? It is such a powerful gift...and in this way, I feel we will never take each other for granted. Just my two cents though...
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]
Wow beautifully put and so true!

Hummingbird125 · January 2013

Allusive, that was all very well put. Whenever someone asks me about my relationship with BF, I always tell them that one of the reason it works so well is that we both feel like we found someone "too good to be true!". He feels like "Omg, I can't believe how lucky I am. Do NOT mess this up!" and I feel exactly the same way. For that reason, we never bicker over little things, we each go out of our way to do nice things for the other person all the time, and never take each other for granted.

Liv - I loved your little story about the soda. Moments like that are so much more meaningful than they might look from the outside!

beanbot2002 · January 2013

Met El Senor when we were about 10, and then again our freshmen year in high school. We were fast friends. I knew then, that we would always remain great friends. I knew he was 'the one' shortly after Bean was born (probably when he was about a year old), but our relationship didn't progress further than being the best of friends (much to my dismay), until Bean turned 7. Then we were friends with benefits for about a year before making more of a commitment to one another.

tuarceatha · January 2013

First off, my mom just asked me this same question last week. Too funny.

Anyways, I understand your concern for your friend, but I think it really comes down to the person.

I didn't have a moment that I can remember. I just got used to the idea of being with him as long as he would be with me. I like who I am with him. I like who he is on his own. I like us together. I love his family. And I want all of his babies.

Elle1036 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-did-you-know-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45065d97-d7fa-4f02-af50-2532d995cafdPost:a362a1fa-68ab-47d1-8f84-eed0efc0b2fa">Re: When did you "know?" (sort of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Elle - I think what you're feeling is completely normal.<strong> I probably have very different views than some gals, but I've never believed that there is only 1 person out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people I could fall in love with for very different reasons. </strong>I've always felt that the most successful relationships are based on a deep self awareness and the confidence of each person to express the truest version of themselves to their partner. Does this make sense? There was a very specific moment when I realized I could see myself with FI long term. We had a very open and honest conversation (about 2-3 months in) where I shared a part of myself that I've never shared with anyone, event to this day. Being able to have that level of comfort with each other, to be able to share something with him that was so personal and private - and his ability to hear and accept it so gracefully...that is what blew me away. I still believe that if for any reason things ended between FI and I (not that I could even imagine that)...I'd be able to eventually pick up the pieces and move forward. I still believe there would eventually be others I could fall in love with. By acknowledging that each person in the relationship has other "options"...you come to the realization that your partner is making a conscious decision each and every day of their lives to share their life with you. How amazing is that? It is such a powerful gift...and in this way, I feel we will never take each other for granted. Just my two cents though...
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

I totally agree. I haven't ever referred to H as "the one" because I don't really believe in that. I do believe that I'm lucky to have him, he's lucky to have me, and we're pretty compatible. Really, I think that's all anyone can ever "know," but the conversation I had with my friend the other night made me realize that I never had one of those "wow" moments and I just wish I could have experienced it. I think (as Ray and Leia kind of mentioned) it might just be me. It's not in my nature to react to something that way. I don't think it's a bad thing or anything, I was just curious about others' experiences.

Thanks for sharing, everyone!

Elle1036 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-did-you-know-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:45065d97-d7fa-4f02-af50-2532d995cafdPost:d4e40593-e3b2-44d0-8cc2-ea3da9541e6d">Re: When did you "know?" (sort of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, my mom just asked me this same question last week. Too funny. Anyways, I understand your concern for your friend, but I think it really comes down to the person. I didn't have a moment that I can remember. I just got used to the idea of being with him as long as he would be with me. I like who I am with him. I like who he is on his own. I like us together. I love his family. <strong>And I want all of his babies</strong>.
Posted by jenjenniferf[/QUOTE]

You really need to get on this. Now.

steign · January 2013

I also don't think I believe in "the one". I only say that because I think you meet people for a reason as corny as that sounds. Sometimes things don't work out because of timing or other issues. I dated a guy for 3 years in high school who was a great guy, and he still is. I think if I had met him when I was out of high school, we might have ended up getting married.

My relationship with BF has not always been easy but, it's been beyond worth it for me. The first year of our relationship I had to deal with his crazy ex, being long distant and my trust issues. I know for a fact that him standing by me through all of that and vice versa means everything to me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. No one has ever made me feel as happy as he does. He does little things for me everyday that I appreciate more than flowers, candy, or gifts. In previous relationships I never felt anything close to the way I feel about him currently.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

I just saw this quote on Pinterest and though it was kind of a good fit for this conversation:

"Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt

*Jen - was this on one of your pins maybe?

[Deleted User] · January 2013

H is not "the only one", but he is "the chosen one". I also don't believe that there is ONE person out there, but he is the ONE person that I have chosen to spend my life with based on compatibility, chemistry, personality traits, shared values and goals, etc.

also, I just want to post this video, because everytime this type of discussion comes up, I think of this video. and that was way too many commas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XlOSiLkeic

horrible quality, sorry ladies.

tuarceatha · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-did-you-know-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45065d97-d7fa-4f02-af50-2532d995cafdPost:5fdb63e3-fb9f-4486-b9a9-05e3885aa7f3">Re: When did you "know?" (sort of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I just saw this quote on Pinterest and though it was kind of a good fit for this conversation: "Comparison is the thief of joy" - Theodore Roosevelt *<strong>Jen - was this on one of your pins maybe?</strong>
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

Me? Nope. But I like it. :)

loves2shop4shoes · January 2013

I sort of have a different opinion. I DO agree that a person can be compatible with many people, and can fall in love with multiple people.

But I do believe in soul mates. So, while I think you can love multiple people, I think there is one person that will be more right for you than anyone else could be...

peekaboo2011 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-did-you-know-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:45065d97-d7fa-4f02-af50-2532d995cafdPost:33c08411-22dc-47a7-bb22-96f4318f1ed7">Re: When did you "know?" (sort of long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I sort of have a different opinion. I DO agree that a person can be compatible with many people, and can fall in love with multiple people. But I do believe in soul mates. So, while I think you can love multiple people, I think there is one person that will be more right for you than anyone else could be...
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with all of this.</div>

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