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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sharpschruter22
member
Dear Sharpie,
Thank you for reserving 2 seats for us at the reception, but we are a family of 5.
We hope everything goes smoothly and know that it will be a beautiful wedding.
I received a delightful RSVP today
We are having an adults only wedding. Because I knew that writing Adult Only Reception on your reception cards is rude, I came to you all asking for ideas. My friends/family just wouldn't have understood to not write in their kids if I addressed the envelopes only with the names of the adults on them. I received a great idea to have (blank) seats are reserved in your honor. This worked wonderfully and we had no write in's! Today, I received this lovely note attached to a declined RSVP.
Thank you for reserving 2 seats for us at the reception, but we are a family of 5.
We hope everything goes smoothly and know that it will be a beautiful wedding.
With Best Wishes, xxxxx
Nice, right? She also talked about my FMIL behind her back to the other relatives and tried to create more drama. As a result, two other guests are not coming.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I received a delightful RSVP today
[QUOTE]Wow. That was written in such a way where I'd feel like I was punched in the face when I read it. We aren't inviting any children to the wedding and I am absolutely dreading inevitable RSVPs like this.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]
<div>That is exactly how I felt. </div>
I don't know where to start.
First off, family is what you make if it. I am closer to my bf than I am to most of my blood related family. I don't grade importance based on shared DNA.
Not every event is for kids. That's a choice the host gets to make. Just like when one of my friends or I host Girls Night and boyfriends or husbands aren't invited. The host chooses who gets to attend.
In an event that celebrates the joining of a couple into a legal and or religious union, to separate a couple is, logically, poor etiquette.
The fact that you never met the person's SO is irrelevant because it isn't the bride or the groom dating him or her.
[QUOTE]I would not have extended the invitation to the children after that nasty RSVP....at all.
Posted by leighbie87[/QUOTE]
Exactly this. She shouldn't be rewarded for her attitude toward you.
I do not understand why people with children get offended when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me?
While I do not have any children myself, my siblings have 11 and anytime they are invited a wedding without their kids they have never been offended. They see it as a date night where they can go and enjoy themselves and not have to worry about chasing little Jimmy around or making sure Lilli doesn't have her fingers in the cake.
[QUOTE]I do not understand why people with children get offended when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me? While I do not have any children myself, my siblings have 11 and anytime they are invited a wedding without their kids they have never been offended. They see it as a date night where they can go and enjoy themselves and not have to worry about chasing little Jimmy around or making sure Lilli doesn't have her fingers in the cake.
Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. Even my brother doesn't know if he wants to bring my two nieces (1 & 3) to the wedding. He wants a night off too and he's blood. Plus they have a strict schedule of getting the girls in bed by 8pm. I don't get it either.
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People with kids - especially young kids, usually can't go to weddings without their kids. Its hard to find babysitters (and expensive), plus if they have young kids, they might not want to spend the day without their kids. If you specify on your wedding that you don't want kids, you need to anticipate that some adults simply will not be able to attend. Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. when you have kids of your own you will understand.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-received-a-delightful-rsvp-today?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9eb69e45-e05a-4e47-9efc-3081ccb90343Post:82595b7f-1d30-43c6-aef5-69d43ca1c246">I received a delightful RSVP today</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having an adults only wedding. Because I knew that writing Adult Only Reception on your reception cards is rude, I came to you all asking for ideas. My friends/family just wouldn't have understood to not write in their kids if I addressed the envelopes only with the names of the adults on them. I received a great idea to have (blank) seats are reserved in your honor. This worked wonderfully and we had no write in's! Today, I received this lovely note attached to a declined RSVP. Dear Sharpie, Thank you for reserving 2 seats for us at the reception, but we are a family of 5. We hope everything goes smoothly and know that it will be a beautiful wedding. With Best Wishes, xxxxx Nice, right? She also talked about my FMIL behind her back to the other relatives and tried to create more drama. As a result, two other guests are not coming.
Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]This is one of those things that when you have kids you will understand. People with kids - especially young kids, usually can't go to weddings without their kids. Its hard to find babysitters (and expensive), plus if they have young kids, they might not want to spend the day without their kids. If you specify on your wedding that you don't want kids, you need to anticipate that some adults simply will not be able to attend. Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. <strong>when you have kids of your own you will understand</strong>. In Response to I received a delightful RSVP today :
Posted by Butterfly898[/QUOTE]
<div>Get out of here. How petty of you to write.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: AlsoPlusAnd, Some people can't have kids, or have a very difficult time trying to have them. Does that mean that we will just never '<em>get it</em>'? Think outside your own world for just a second before you type, or jeez, open your mouth. I hope you're more thoughtful IRL.</div>
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
[QUOTE]This is one of those things that when you have kids you will understand. People with kids - especially young kids, usually can't go to weddings without their kids. Its hard to find babysitters (and expensive), plus if they have young kids, they might not want to spend the day without their kids. If you specify on your wedding that you don't want kids, you need to anticipate that some adults simply will not be able to attend. Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. when you have kids of your own you will understand. In Response to I received a delightful RSVP today :
Posted by Butterfly898[/QUOTE]
<div>What a load of horsecrap. My parents had two children and went to weddings/parties all the time without kids. They looked forward to an adult evening. They understood that kids weren't always welcomed everywhere and that the hosts had a right to dictate who is invited. I despise the sense of entitelment in this attitude. </div>
[QUOTE]This is one of those things that when you have kids you will understand. People with kids - especially young kids, usually can't go to weddings without their kids. Its hard to find babysitters (and expensive), plus if they have young kids, they might not want to spend the day without their kids. If you specify on your wedding that you don't want kids, you need to anticipate that some adults simply will not be able to attend. Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. <strong>when you have kids of your own you will understand. I</strong>n Response to I received a delightful RSVP today :
Posted by Butterfly898[/QUOTE]
Well that's not condescending at all. How about some of us don't ever want kids, so let's not make assumptions, OK?
Also, not being able to attend because of children is a CHOICE. And one that absolutely does not require the snotty and snide response OP got on her RSVP card. Is that kind of attitude something you only get when you have kids, too?
I don't think declining an invitation because you can't get a babysitter or don't want to leave your kids for a few hours is the issue. It is the attitude shown by some. Entitlement is not attractive. The woman in question could have simply and politely declined. Not every event in the world is for kids.
[QUOTE]<strong>Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. </strong> when you have kids of your own you will understand. In Response to I received a delightful RSVP today :
Posted by Butterfly898[/QUOTE]
OK, then how about the people with kids try not taking it so personally that not everyone wants kids around at everything? <div>
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I received a delightful RSVP today : Get out of here. How petty of you to write.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]
Made me LOL! Like.
[QUOTE]<strong>This is one of those things that when you have kids you will understand.</strong> People with kids - especially young kids, usually can't go to weddings without their kids. Its hard to find babysitters (and expensive), plus if they have young kids, they might not want to spend the day without their kids. If you specify on your wedding that you don't want kids, you need to anticipate that some adults simply will not be able to attend. Try not to be offended...its nothing personal against you. when you have kids of your own you will understand. In Response to I received a delightful RSVP today :
Posted by Butterfly898[/QUOTE]
Careful saying things like that; some women don't want kids, and some can't have kids. There is no reason to think they are less able to understand because of it. I can understand parents wanting to be near their kids and I can understand not wanting the expense of a babysitter. I can understand being disappointed that you have to skip the wedding because you can't find a babysitter. What I can't understand is writing mean notes to hosts when a simple decline would suffice.
OP had every right to not invite kids, and the adults should have declined if they didn't want to attend without them. Instead, they chose to send a nasty, uncalled-for note to OP.
[QUOTE]I do not understand why people with children get offended when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me? Posted by Jlp818[/QUOTE]
I'm not offended, but I can say why people will say no to these invites. Sometimes it's more of a hassle than it's worth if your kids are small. Babysitters are hard to find, and I wouldn't trust someone from out of town (if I'm at a wedding away from home where a B&G have got a babysitter). DH and I go on date nights or daytime dates on our own, so we're not dying for a night out alone. The argument that a wedding without our kids is some kind of savior for us doesn't really hold up. For some people it does, I know, but maybe because our kids are so small, it's more trouble than it's worth for anyone but close friends or family. We'll make it work for those folks, but more often than not, we'd decline.
It seems to me like OP's FMIL set her up, as I read the additional posts. "She was under the impression from my FMIL that it was because we didn't want poorly behaved children running amuck and assumed that we think her children are poorly behaved." - sounds to me like FMIL said something she shouldn't have - or am I reading that wrong? If I heard that was said about my children, I'd be hurt. I wouldn't go to the wedding, but I also wouldn't mark the RSVP up as Cousin did either. I would probably tell another relative why I wasn't going though if they asked, and I'd be upset with the B&G for thinking poorly of my family, but I wouldn't confront anyone. They think my kids are brats but want me to attend and bring them a gift? Just a simple no thank you to the invite and be done with it.
This seems like a misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. Etiquette says that people are not supposed to request more invites or ask why someone was not invited - but Cousin was expected to confront OP and ask why, or explain why she was offended? If she did that, people would be outraged that she dare assume her kids were accidentally not invited, or ask "couldn't she just read the invite." I don't blame the OP - I see the FMIL as having a part in this mess-up. Cousin apologized for the misunderstanding. She WAS way out of line to blow up and make a big deal on the RSVP card, but I think her apology over the phone should have been enough. No need to invite her kids.
We get it. You have kids and may not want to leave them with the sitter. No one said they didn't get this.
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone is this entire thread ever said anything about "Why don't they just come to the wedding and leave the kids home?" I don't even get where this argument is coming from. People were angry that they left a snotty note on the RSVP. NO ONE was mad that they decline; they were upset about the snarky and unnecessary response on the card. We get it. You have kids and may not want to leave them with the sitter. No one said they didn't get this.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
jlp818 asked: "I do not understand why people with children get offended when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me?" - I believe that's where at least some of the conversation is coming from. That's what I was replying to in my post, before I started discussing the RSVP itself.
OP's choice to have no children there is being defended over and over by people's anecdotes about how everyone at their wedding was grateful for a night off, or all of their friends wanted a date night. People didn't seem like they were only angry about the RSVP - a good number seem to doubt why this scenario wouldn't be wonderful and welcomed for the Cousin. I believe that's what's prompting the responses explaining the hassle of a no-kids wedding for families. Not an outrage that OP is not inviting them.
I think Cousin was in the wrong, and I think OP was right to be upset and was treated poorly. I think it's shitty that someone here basically said "you'll understand when you have kids." Not everyone feels the same way. Cousin should have been polite about it, said yes or no, and moved on.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I received a delightful RSVP today : jlp818 asked: "I do not understand why people with children get offended when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me?" - I believe that's where at least some of the conversation is coming from. That's what I was replying to in my post, before I started discussing the RSVP itself. OP's choice to have no children there is being defended over and over by people's anecdotes about how everyone at their wedding was grateful for a night off, or all of their friends wanted a date night. People didn't seem like they were only angry about the RSVP - a good number seem to doubt why this scenario wouldn't be wonderful and welcomed for the Cousin. I believe that's what's prompting the responses explaining the hassle of a no-kids wedding for families. Not an outrage that OP is not inviting them. I think Cousin was in the wrong, and I think OP was right to be upset and was treated poorly. I think it's shitty that someone here basically said "you'll understand when you have kids." Not everyone feels the same way. Cousin should have been polite about it, said yes or no, and moved on.
Posted by purplebear17[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>..I don't think that she literally meant that she did not understand where it was coming from, I think it was more an expression of being taken aback. Thank you, however, for the cliff notes version of this.
</div>
'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I received a delightful RSVP today : ..I don't think that she literally meant that she did not understand where it was coming from, I think it was more an expression of being taken aback. Thank you, however, for the cliff notes version of this.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]
It didn't seem that way to me, but I can understand your interpretation.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I received a delightful RSVP today : jlp818 asked: "I do not understand why people with children<strong> get offended</strong> when their children are not invited to a wedding. Can someone explain this to me?" - I believe that's where at least some of the conversation is coming from. That's what I was replying to in my post, before I started discussing the RSVP itself. OP's choice to have no children there is being defended over and over by people's anecdotes about how everyone at their wedding was grateful for a night off, or all of their friends wanted a date night. People didn't seem like they were only angry about the RSVP - a good number seem to doubt why this scenario wouldn't be wonderful and welcomed for the Cousin. I believe that's what's prompting the responses explaining the hassle of a no-kids wedding for families. Not an outrage that OP is not inviting them. I think Cousin was in the wrong, and I think OP was right to be upset and was treated poorly. I think it's shitty that someone here basically said "you'll understand when you have kids." Not everyone feels the same way. Cousin should have been polite about it, said yes or no, and moved on.
Posted by purplebear17[/QUOTE]
But she said she doesn't get why parents get offended. Not that she doesn't see why they would be inconvenienced. We know it's a bit of a hassle. People without kids still have hassles. Lots of things are hassles, but not every hassle is a reason to get offended.
My mom had a surgery recently that means she's unable to drive. So if she gets invited to something, and I don't, she will either decline, or I take her and entertain myself for a couple hours in the area. Is it a hassle? Absolutely. Is anyone offended that I wasn't invited? Nope.
Being offended because you and your spouse were invited to something but not your kids seems ridiculous. No one is obligated to invite your kids anywhere. Just like you aren't obligated to attend a wedding that is too big of a hassle for you to attend (can't find a baby sitter, can't leave kid alone, etc.)
And even if you are "offended" - YOU are the rude one if you write some sort of passive aggressive snarky response on the response card. Just no. You're not in middle school.
[QUOTE]I think the OP is entitled to her kid-free wedding for whatever reason she chooses. But we repeatedly tell people that this choice will likely offend/upset someone and to be prepared for it. Obviously this is one of those situations. And now the OP is upset that the mom was upset.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]
No, I think OP was more upset that the mom felt as if she was <em>entitled </em>to 5 invitations instead of 2, and not only choose to write a very passive aggressive note, almost assuredly written to make OP feel guilty, but that she was also causing drama amongst other guests.
I can't decide if she's a troll or just a stupid snatch.
I agree that the response that she sent to you was ridiculously rude, but you said that you're having a destination wedding so what are the people who have children supposed to do with them during your wedding if they are in a strange city and all the adults they know there will be at your wedding?
[QUOTE]We are having an adults only wedding. Because I knew that writing Adult Only Reception on your reception cards is rude, I came to you all asking for ideas. My friends/family just wouldn't have understood to not write in their kids if I addressed the envelopes only with the names of the adults on them. I received a great idea to have (blank) seats are reserved in your honor. This worked wonderfully and we had no write in's! Today, I received this lovely note attached to a declined RSVP. Dear Sharpie, Thank you for reserving 2 seats for us at the reception, but we are a family of 5. We hope everything goes smoothly and know that it will be a beautiful wedding. With Best Wishes, xxxxx Nice, right? She also talked about my FMIL behind her back to the other relatives and tried to create more drama. As a result, two other guests are not coming.
Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]
I feel your pain. That is horrible and rude. I am so so sorry that you have to go through this!
201 Invited
[QUOTE]I agree that the response that she sent to you was ridiculously rude, but you said that you're having a destination wedding so what are the people who have children supposed to do with them during your wedding if they are in a strange city and all the adults they know there will be at your wedding?
Posted by tammym1001[/QUOTE]
That really isn't the OP's problem. What's the party line? It's an invitation, not a subpoena.
The invitee shouldn't be offended that Aiden, Caiden, and Braiden didn't get invited. Just like the OP shouldn't be offended when the invitee declines the invitation.
That doesn't excuse the poor manners of the invitee in that horrific decline note, or the sense of entitlement that her crotchfruit should be invited to every event.
ETA: Edited for clarity