Already Married?!?

wrigleyville · April 2013

I'm keeping my mouth shut IRL because it's not my place to say anything, so this is just a rant.

FI's friend is getting married in September. Her fiance (I mean *husband*) joined the Marines in June 2012, so they postponed their wedding. Everyone understood, and we've all been very happy for them.

I wrote to her to ask for a link to her engagement announcement in the paper. I wanted to make a wedding scrapbook for her. I never heard back, so I Googled it just to see if they published one.

What I found instead was the "Vital Statistics" page that lists all of the marriage licenses that have been filed. They were married in May 2012, right before he left for basic training.

While I can't blame them for wanting to get married before he left, it makes me sooooo angry that people may not know about this. I haven't surveyed our friends, because I don't feel I have the right to spill the beans, and I don't know if her family knows. For all I know, they do know, and they're okay with this PPD. She continually calls him her "fiance", though, and my head spins every time I see that.

So, I'm sitting here stewing, not wanting to bring it up with her or anyone else we know because it's not my place. We're simply going to decline the invitation, and we aren't buying them a gift. FI wants to give them a vow renewal card, but I told him that's mean and petty. I said it's more adult of us to simply decline the invitation and keep mum about the issue, even though I'm seething at the audacity of all this. As I said, I understand why they wanted to get married before he left, but having this huge PPD she's planning is just ridiculous. They could have had a very nice dinner with people after the ceremony, as our county does civil ceremonies on Friday afternoons.

I just hate that I know about this and can't say anything. I hate being an adult sometimes.

It also hurts me that she's been lying about all of this. I would have been thrilled to attend a dinner party after the civil ceremony, and I would have been fine with some type of "hey, we got married before he left, but we want to have a big party when he comes home on leave next Fall". I would have cooked a potluck dish and everything. But now that she's lied and is deceiving us? Oh, HECK no...

I guess... let this be a lesson to anyone contemplating eloping and then lying about it. People can and will find out at some point.

AJuliaNJ · April 2013

They've definitely broke etiquette, but I don't think you should let this bother you so much. If you intend to continue this friendship, I would go to the event, bring a gift, and wish them well. If this is so offensive to you that you can no longer consider them friends, then, yes, decline it and send a vow renewal card.

wrigleyville · April 2013

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I JUST found out, so I realize my emotions are overriding logic right now.

I might sit down with her, privately, and tell her I found the public record of their marriage. Then I can figure it out from there.

If her family and close friends know, then I don't have as big a problem with it, I guess. I'm just irritated she didn't tell everyone, and I'm not sure why she didn't. That's why we need to have a talk.

FI is against going, since he'd have to grit his teeth through the entire ceremony, but if she and I have a good talk about it, I might reconsider. Even if we don't go, we will likely give them a gift. FI won't be happy about that, but he'll get over it. Bottom line, he realizes that's the polite thing to do. He's just upset, like me.

Maggie0829 · April 2013

Honestly, I get why you are hurt. Your good friend is lying to you and it seems like to everyone else as well. There is a big difference between a friend telling you that a pair of pants doesn't make your butt look big when they do and lying to your face about their marital status. That is just rude and hurtful.

QueerFemme · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]I think you should come clean about knowing. You have a reasonable explanation for how you happened on the info. I'd give her a small gift and a card, and tell her you wished you'd known sooner, and then decline the "wedding" invitation.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

cosigned !

Kate61487 · April 2013

I'd sit down and talk it out with her. Encourage her to come clean so others aren't as hurt as you are by discovering she's been lying. I also might mention that I'm not comfortable lying for her to mutual friends so the truth will come out at some point...

banana468 · April 2013

If my friend lied to me about being married, what else has she lied about? I'd go for the one on one sit down so she knows you know.

misssunshine17 · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]I think you should come clean about knowing. You have a reasonable explanation for how you happened on the info. I'd give her a small gift and a card, and tell her you wished you'd known sooner, and then decline the "wedding" invitation.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I'm with this, too. I totally understand being upset about it.

jennylee813 · April 2013

See? This is why we keep telling people NOT to have the do-over, the 'real' wedding (their words, not mine), the PPD ... it doesn't matter what you call it, people are being hurt when they find out the truth.

I'd come clean with her as well, but I would also be declining the invitation. I might send a card, but no gift, simply because knowingly deceiving those around you to have a PPD is very gift-grabby and rude. It is not rude to decline an invitation for a fake event, and unless all of the guests know that they are already married and they are not doing a pretend ceremony or any of the other 'traditional' wedding things like having a bridal party and cake cutting etc, then it is indeed a fake event.

The day you say your vows and sign the licence is the day you are married, whether it's a civil service or a church wedding. Lying about it isn't cool.

I'm sorry that your friend has been lying to you and you have every right to be hurt. I'm with PP - I'd wonder what else she's been keeping from you.

vk2204 · April 2013

I knew someone that did this too. All over FB they both posted how they couldn't wait for their wedding and to be married to one another and blah blah. One night, a few of my friends were out at the bar with her and they were all comparing their ID's because one of them just got their new license with a new picture on it. The girl who was getting married had already changed her last name but left it her maiden name on FB so no one would know. They called her out on it and she was basically caught in a lie. She then refused to think she was in the wrong, even for lying to her friends. They went through with the PPD - fake ceremony and everything. It was kind of pathetic.

saric83 · April 2013

I totally understand you being upset and not wanting to go, but I actually disagree with PP's about you confronting her since you described her as your FI's friend, not yours. Obviously, she could be both, but since you actually described her in the post as his friend not as your friend, I think it would be pretty awkward if you were to say something to her.

I wouldn't go regardless, but I guess I would feel differently (in terms of how upset I got and how personally offended I felt) if this was one of my best friends versus my husband's friend. Go with whatever he wants to do!

arendiva · April 2013

I would probably send a "congratulations on your marriage" card now. I wouldn't give a gift though. I'm not sure if I would attend the do-over. Having fake vows just seems disrespectful of the seriousness of marriage. i don't know, maybe it's skip the ceremony but celebrate with them at the reception. I wouldn't worry about keeping things hush hush though. It's not your responsibilty to keep their dirty secret, she didn't come to you in confidence or anything, you found it out on your own via the public record. I probably would ask people if they new bride and groom were already married.Whether or not other people knew would probably impact whether or not I'd attend the event.

MuppetFan · April 2013

I know it's against etiquette, but it doesn't offend me when a couple marries sooner and hosts their wedding reception later. I just don't personally care.

I DO care if they lie about it. I feel it's a complete violation of our trust and relationship, particularly if I see this person and they parade around as unmarried. Not okay. I understand your hurt. I would have to talk to her about it before I RSVP'd anything but no.

lyndausvi · April 2013

I would call them out. Mostly likely in front of everyone after a few beers at a bar. I'm mean like that.

I don't buy the whole "It's not your secret to tell" bit. It's a matter of public record. Which by-the-way would never work if I got married in DE. My mom and aunts and such read the public records in the newspapers everyday. That is how they know who got married, divorced, died or got arrested. She is just lucky she doesn't have family/friends who reads that stuff.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

Are you certain they're married and haven't just filed for a marriage license? The county we got married in posted that we applied for a marriage license in February (which we did), but we did not use it nor get married until April (it was valid for six months). Is there any chance that's the case with your friend?

artbyallie · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]Are you certain they're married and haven't just filed for a marriage license? The county we got married in posted that we applied for a marriage license in February (which we did), but we did not use it nor get married until April (it was valid for six months). Is there any chance that's the case with your friend?
Posted by von1976[/QUOTE]

Except that OP specified that the record said last May...

[Deleted User] · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married?!? : Except that OP specified that the record said last May...
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

I didn't overlook that fact... they could have applied for the license last May and never used it! (Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here...)

lyndausvi · April 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]While I am against do overs in general, this one needs more information before I pass judgement. Have they been living together? Are there other signs of marriage, like name changes, etc? Getting married may have been the only way to name her as beneficiary for any life insurance policies, or to give her the rights to his remains. It's something scared kids would do, and I would have to give them a pass on this one, especially if they hadn't been living like married people this whole time.
Posted by EllaYoung[/QUOTE]

Sorry I do not think there is ever a good reason to lie about getting married to anyone.

People like cmglin would give their eye-teeth to have the same benefits these 2 are taking for granted. They want the benefits of being married, yet keep it a secret in order to have the "benefits" of a big wedding.

They suck.

Now if she still wants the PPD and everyone knows I really do not care. They way they are are going about it is fraud IMO.

hannahlce · April 2013

If her husband is in the Marine corp, then i one hundred percent understand this. Put yourself in her shoes. She probably didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, and it's her life. To be honest, I know a ton of people who were married because of one reason or another (lots of military families) and then had their celebration later. I don't see why someone elses choices about their own lives would hurt you so much.

Also, I am trying really hard not to sound rude, since I'm really not trying to be, so if it comes across that way, I apologize. I just wanted to place devil's advocate a little bit. If she's your friend, and it hurt your feelings, say something, but there's no reason why you shouldn't still celebrate with her.

lyndausvi · April 2013

I understand getting married. While not a fan, I also "get" PPD.

I do not understand lying about your martial status.

Let's just say something did happen to him when deployed. Do you really think that is the best time to inform his family they didn't get the phone call because the next of kin is really the wife they didn't know about?

There is ZERO reason to lie about. Apparently the gov't agrees or marriage licenses and divorces would not be a matter of public record.

Also these things always get out. People get over an elopement much faster than being lied to in order to get a fancy party for years.

hannahlce · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]I understand getting married. While not a fan, I also "get" PPD. I do not understand lying about your martial status. Let's just say something did happen to him when deployed. Do you really think that is the best time to inform his family they didn't get the phone call because the next of kin is really the wife they didn't know about? There is ZERO reason to lie about. Apparently the gov't agrees or marriage licenses and divorces would not be a matter of public record. Also these things always get out. People get over an elopement much faster than being lied to in order to get a fancy party for years.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

What makes you think they didn't tell the parents? Or the siblings? Or the closest people in their lives?

Maggie0829 · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]If her husband is in the Marine corp, then i one hundred percent understand this. Put yourself in her shoes. She probably didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, and it's her life. To be honest, I know a ton of people who were married because of one reason or another (lots of military families) and then had their celebration later. I don't see why someone elses choices about their own lives would hurt you so much. Also, I am trying really hard not to sound rude, since I'm really not trying to be, so if it comes across that way, I apologize. I just wanted to place devil's advocate a little bit. If she's your friend, and it hurt your feelings, say something, but there's no reason why you shouldn't still celebrate with her.
Posted by hannahlce[/QUOTE]

Why don't you run on over to the Military Brides board and run the idea of a secret marriage and then a big PPD day over with them and see what they say.

There is no reason at all to lie. If you want to be tacky and have a huge PPD after you are already married then go for it but at least own what you are doing. By lying you basically know what you are doing is wrong and don't want to look bad to others.

ridedatbike · April 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:[QUOTE]While I am against do overs in general, this one needs more information before I pass judgement. Have they been living together? Are there other signs of marriage, like name changes, etc? Getting married may have been the only way to name her as beneficiary for any life insurance policies, or to give her the rights to his remains. It's something scared kids would do, and I would have to give them a pass on this one, especially if they hadn't been living like married people this whole time. Posted by EllaYoung[/QUOTE] He went to boot camp though

lyndausvi · April 2013

In Response to Re: Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Already Married?!? : What makes you think they didn't tell the parents? Or the siblings? Or the closest people in their lives?
Posted by hannahlce[/QUOTE]

You are right I don't. But there is still no reason not to tell you guest list you are already married. If they family knows then they are just as bad.

You have provided a good reason to get married, but still haven't provided one to lie so some or all of your guests.

wrigleyville · May 2013

To answer some questions:

The county record lists their marriage date along with the date of application for the license. They are married.

They were living together and sharing expenses for approximately two years beforehand.

I understand why someone would want to rush a civil union and then have a big reception later; it's the lying I'm pissed about.

I do not know if her family and friends know, but I doubt it (unless they're playing along). FI asked me to sit down with her, as he is not comfortable asking, and she and I have talked many times.

They are athiests, so the PPD would not be the "real" ceremony in their eyes. I could understand that too, if a couple had to rush the civil union but then wanted to have a religious ceremony to seal the covenant with God. I would totally get that too.

I have zero doubt in my mind they did this so she'd get the military benefits, and that (plus the lying) pisses me off. She had a part-time job when he enlisted, and she has not worked since.

As far as I know, she has not changed her name. I'm also not sure if her husband has been portraying himself as single, but if she's on his benefits, then I sincerely doubt it.

sxviolante · May 2013

I'm still not getting why you care if she's doing it for the military benefits when she is entitled to them when they are married. So they got married earlier than planned, she is still entitled. And I definitely don't get all of the adjectives used to describe the situation... manipulative, fraudulent, etc. How are the guests being manipulated? And how does the wedding gift even come into play here? Either you planned on giving one or you didn't, how you think she all of a sudden doesn't deserve one is absurd.

banana468 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:[QUOTE]I'm still not getting why you care if she's doing it for the military benefits when she is entitled to them when they are married. So they got married earlier than planned, she is still entitled. And I definitely don't get all of the adjectives used to describe the situation... manipulative, fraudulent, etc. How are the guests being manipulated? And how does the wedding gift even come into play here? Either you planned on giving one or you didn't, how you think she all of a sudden doesn't deserve one is absurd. Posted by sxviolante[/QUOTE] If she's married and they're inviting people to their wedding then they're lying because they want the guests to think they're single. At least one half if TGIF couple is lying by omission. Do you really not see that as a huge manipulation of the guests and their trust? As far as the gift goes, I think people are less likely to open their check books if they find out that a close person deceived them.

Mrs OAJM · May 2013

In Response to Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]I'm keeping my mouth shut IRL because it's not my place to say anything, so this is just a rant. FI's friend is getting married in September. Her fiance (I mean *husband*) joined the Marines in June 2012, so they postponed their wedding. Everyone understood, and we've all been very happy for them. I wrote to her to ask for a link to her engagement announcement in the paper. I wanted to make a wedding scrapbook for her. I never heard back, so I Googled it just to see if they published one. What I found instead was the "Vital Statistics" page that lists all of the marriage licenses that have been filed. They were married in May 2012, right before he left for basic training. While I can't blame them for wanting to get married before he left, it makes me sooooo angry that people may not know about this. I haven't surveyed our friends, because I don't feel I have the right to spill the beans, and I don't know if her family knows. For all I know, they do know, and they're okay with this PPD. She continually calls him her "fiance", though, and my head spins every time I see that. So, I'm sitting here stewing, not wanting to bring it up with her or anyone else we know because it's not my place. We're simply going to decline the invitation, and we aren't buying them a gift. FI wants to give them a vow renewal card, but I told him that's mean and petty. I said it's more adult of us to simply decline the invitation and keep mum about the issue, even though I'm seething at the audacity of all this. As I said, I understand why they wanted to get married before he left, but having this huge PPD she's planning is just ridiculous. They could have had a very nice dinner with people after the ceremony, as our county does civil ceremonies on Friday afternoons. I just hate that I know about this and can't say anything. I hate being an adult sometimes.

It also hurts me that she's been lying about all of this. I would have been thrilled to attend a dinner party after the civil ceremony, and I would have been fine with some type of "hey, we got married before he left, but we want to have a big party when he comes home on leave next Fall". I would have cooked a potluck dish and everything. But now that she's lied and is deceiving us? Oh, HECK no... I guess... let this be a lesson to anyone contemplating eloping and then lying about it. People can and will find out at some point.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

To be honest with you, I'm actually going to be doing the same thing. My Fiance is in the army and it is just easier. He is stationed 5,000 miles away and I will see him two more times before our wedding (the second time being the week or so leading up to the wedding). The ONLY reason we are doing it is to get the ball rolling through the military. It sometimes takes a very long time for the military to "accept" your marriage. So we will be going to the court house about 4 months before our actual wedding. We won't be giving rings and I won't be changing my name. We aren't really going to consider ourselves married, yet. The bottom line is: it's for the PAPERWORK, nothing more and nothing less.

I, personally, won't be telling people about it because I don't think it's any of their business. If WE don't consider ourselves married, why should they? It won't make our "big wedding" any less special. I still want to be surrounded by our friends and families. I want a wedding, just like anybody else. We wouldn't be doing it if it weren't for the Army. The Army is his career; it does not define our relationship and will not define our wedding. I want a wedding. The same wedding I've dreamed of since I was a little girl! I don't want a "vow renewal"

I guess, being in her shoes, and understanding the necessity of it all, I would be very very hurt if that was your reason for not attending. Don't take it out on them. There are so many benefits to getting married in the military. One of them being command sponcership, which allows the military to pay for the spouse to move. Without command sponcership I would have to pay (out of pocket) to ship all of my things to Hawaii.....there is no way I can afford that!

So, in my opinion, I would sit down and CALMLY talk to them about it. Don't get upset until you understand the reasons behind it. Going to the court house before the actual wedding is a very common thing in the military...like I said, it just makes things easier. I understand that you are upset because you feel they "lied" to you. And yes, I suppose in reality, it is a lie. But, maybe in their hearts, it's not......

Just some food for thought from a fellow military S/O

banana468 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:[QUOTE]In Response to Already Married?!?:I'm keeping my mouth shut IRL because it's not my place to say anything, so this is just a rant. FI's friend is getting married in September. Her fiance I mean husband joined the Marines in June 2012, so they postponed their wedding. Everyone understood, and we've all been very happy for them. I wrote to her to ask for a link to her engagement announcement in the paper. I wanted to make a wedding scrapbook for her. I never heard back, so I Googled it just to see if they published one. What I found instead was the "Vital Statistics" page that lists all of the marriage licenses that have been filed. They were married in May 2012, right before he left for basic training. While I can't blame them for wanting to get married before he left, it makes me sooooo angry that people may not know about this. I haven't surveyed our friends, because I don't feel I have the right to spill the beans, and I don't know if her family knows. For all I know, they do know, and they're okay with this PPD. She continually calls him her "fiance", though, and my head spins every time I see that. So, I'm sitting here stewing, not wanting to bring it up with her or anyone else we know because it's not my place. We're simply going to decline the invitation, and we aren't buying them a gift. FI wants to give them a vow renewal card, but I told him that's mean and petty. I said it's more adult of us to simply decline the invitation and keep mum about the issue, even though I'm seething at the audacity of all this. As I said, I understand why they wanted to get married before he left, but having this huge PPD she's planning is just ridiculous. They could have had a very nice dinner with people after the ceremony, as our county does civil ceremonies on Friday afternoons. I just hate that I know about this and can't say anything. I hate being an adult sometimes. ; It also hurts me that she's been lying about all of this. I would have been thrilled to attend a dinner party after the civil ceremony, and I would have been fine with some type of "hey, we got married before he left, but we want to have a big party when he comes home on leave next Fall". I would have cooked a potluck dish and everything. But now that she's lied and is deceiving us? Oh, HECK no... I guess... let this be a lesson to anyone contemplating eloping and then lying about it. People can and will find out at some point.Posted by wrigleyvilleTo be honest with you, I'm actually going to be doing the same thing. My Fiance is in the army and it is just easier. He is stationed 5,000 miles away and I will see him two more times before our wedding the second time being the week or so leading up to the wedding. The ONLY reason we are doing it is to get the ball rolling through the military. It sometimes takes a very long time for the military to "accept" your marriage. So we will be going to the court house about 4 months before our actual wedding. We won't be giving rings and I won't be changing my name. We aren't really going to consider ourselves married, yet. The bottom line is: it's for the PAPERWORK, nothing more and nothing less.nbsp;I, personally, won't be telling people about it because I don't think it's any of their business. If WE don't consider ourselves married, why should they? It won't make our "big wedding" any less special. I still want to be surrounded by our friends and families. I want a wedding, just like anybody else. We wouldn't be doing it if it weren't for the Army. The Army is his career; it does not define our relationship and will not define our wedding. I want a wedding. The same wedding I've dreamed of since I was a little girl! I don't want a "vow renewal"nbsp;I guess, being in her shoes, and understanding the necessity of it all, I would be very very hurt if that was your reason for not attending. Don't take it out on them. There are so many benefits to getting married in the military. One of them being command sponcership, which allows the military to pay for the spouse to move. Without command sponcership I would have to pay out of pocket to ship all of my things to Hawaii.....there is no way I can afford that!So, in my opinion, I would sit down and CALMLY talk to them about it. Don't get upset until you understand the reasons behind it. Going to the court house before the actual wedding is a very common thing in the military...like I said, it just makes things easier. I understand that you are upset because you feel they "lied" to you. And yes, I suppose in reality, it is a lie. But, maybe in their hearts, it's not......Just some food for thought from a fellow military S/O Posted by Mrs OAJM[/QUOTE] Did you get NOTHING out of the other posts?! You're about to lie by omission to everyone in your lives. Cut the BS. You want the government of the United States to see you as married but you still want the white dress. That's so wrong on too many levels.

Mrs OAJM · May 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Already Married?!?: Did you get NOTHING out of the other posts?! You're about to lie by omission to everyone in your lives. Cut the BS. You want the government of the United States to see you as married but you still want the white dress. That's so wrong on too many levels.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Okay, I'll cut the BS. I'll tell you the truth. I've been away from my fiance for the past two years. Between him being in basic, AIT, stationed 5,000 miles away, and spending 367 days in Afghanistan. Honestly, I cann't afford to live in Hawaii. Sorry, I'm not made of money! I will be moving to Hawaii to be with him. I will be leaving everything I have ever known. My family, my friends, the town I grew up in, along with my job. I will be moving 5,000 miles away with NOTHING. Is it so wrong to want a house to live in when I get there? We can't get a house until we are legally married. So, sorry, if I would like that process expedited. Would you like to move that far away and not have a place to live? Yea....I didn't think so.

And yes, I do want the white dress. What girl doesn't? Did you have a white dress and a big party to celebrate your love? ....probably. I am just as deserving as the next person.

Before you judge and criticize, try walking a mile in my shoes. You try being away from your fiance/husband for that long and THEN tell me that you wouldn't do anything and everyhing in your power to be with them. Once you've done that....then we can talk. But until then, your rude and completely ignorant comments have absolutely zero affect on how I run my life.

Thanks for your time!

Mrs OAJM · May 2013

In Response to Re:Already Married?!?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Already Married?!?: Did you get NOTHING out of the other posts?! You're about to lie by omission to everyone in your lives. Cut the BS. You want the government of the United States to see you as married but you still want the white dress. That's so wrong on too many levels.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Okay, I'll cut the BS. I'll tell you the truth. I've been away from my fiance for the past two years. Between him being in basic, AIT, stationed 5,000 miles away, and spending 367 days in Afghanistan. Honestly, I cann't afford to live in Hawaii. Sorry, I'm not made of money! I will be moving to Hawaii to be with him. I will be leaving everything I have ever known. My family, my friends, the town I grew up in, along with my job. I will be moving 5,000 miles away with NOTHING. Is it so wrong to want a house to live in when I get there? We can't get a house until we are legally married. So, sorry, if I would like that process expedited. Would you like to move that far away and not have a place to live? Yea....I didn't think so.

And yes, I do want the white dress. What girl doesn't? Did you have a white dress and a big party to celebrate your love? ....probably. I am just as deserving as the next person.

Before you judge and criticize, try walking a mile in my shoes. You try being away from your fiance/husband for that long and THEN tell me that you wouldn't do anything and everyhing in your power to be with them. Once you've done that....then we can talk. But until then, your rude and completely ignorant comments have absolutely zero affect on how I run my life.

Thanks for your time!

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