Jack and Jill Request = Muppet Explosion

MuppetFan · May 2013

Every time I get an update from the best man in our wedding about his own wedding (where FI is his best man), I feel like I'm in the middle of the most magnificently written MUD and then I realize that no, this is reality. So far, we got 2 married people who get engaged to other people a few months after, leave their spouses and move in together, friend finds out new girlfriend is talking to men, but proposes to her anyway for an immediate wedding. He just got out of bankruptcy and we find out that she's now having him run bills up they can't afford.

A few weeks ago she asked me to bring food for their potluck wedding. She asked the girl with me to bring a dish too in the same breath that she was introducing herself (she had to ask the girl's name when writing down what she would bring). I decided I would do this but that the food would be their gift. I got over it.

Monday, he asked to talk to FI because he wants to make sure he's doing the "right thing". Yesterday, they both were divorced (and attended each others divorce hearings which i thought was odd). FI is supposed to meet with him on Friday. At this point, he's struggling supporting this marriage but he's decided that once he hears the guy out and provides his feedback, at that point, he's done his part as his friend at least.

Today, they asked us to host their Jack and Jill, fundraisers and all FOR 110 PEOPLE so they could get money to pay for their wedding (which we are providing the food for) and honeymoon that she already paid for (as it was originally a cruise for her now ex and she). She also noted that they will not do bach parties because she doesn't want to be apart from him. I just flippin lost it. I LOST IT!!! My poor fiance's ear. WTF.

Simply Fated · May 2013

Please tell me your fiance turned down this request. Please.

MuppetFan · May 2013

He said he would ask me. He didn't understand what they were asking at first. He's turning it down, but will probably do it on Friday when he talks to his friend.

Seriously, now that we had the information that they didn't want showers or bach parties, we would've considered doing an engagement party. Even though they are getting married in July, they also just got engaged. But to ASK us this? THIS? Now, I'm just sick to my stomach about this I'm so mad. I can't remember being this mad in recent history. I think maybe 5 years ago when my boss publicly belittled me about something I didn't do was the last time.

I seriously want to re-think attending the wedding but I don't want to mess up FI's friendship with his own best man....so I'll think about that over the next 2 months.

Kate61487 · May 2013

man this situation just keeps getting better and better.

Please say you/he declined.

ETA - saw he plans to decline. I'd have a really hard time biting my tongue on that one

MuppetFan · May 2013

and what happened to my new siggy photo.....gah.

MuppetFan · May 2013

right? like why not just have your wedding here? I'll just pay for the whole flipping thing. I don't have my own wedding to pay for or anything.

At least she hasn't asked me to decorate her a cake yet, there's that.

FizzySips · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

At least she hasn't asked me to decorate her a cake yet, there's that.

You could make her a special snowflake cake!! Since they're sooooo verrrrry special!

MuppetFan · May 2013

I'd have to present it to her in her special snowflake flipping hair.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

KindaSparkly said:

The want you to finance a party for 110 people? Absolutely not. I would have lost my mind, too.

No, not really, because a Jack & Jill is a party people pay to attend, so really, there isn't much for OP to do, other than send out rude invitations.

I hate Jack & Jills. My Canadian friends are all "I don't understand going into debt for your wedding when all these people could have paid for it." Shut the hell up.

mstallae · May 2013

hey!! I'm Canadian and I don't like Jack and Jills either haha! Just sayin'

and yeah .. please do keep us all updated on this as I pop some corn and settle in to watch the drama unfold!

[Deleted User] · May 2013

mstallae said:

hey!! I'm Canadian and I don't like Jack and Jills either haha! Just sayin'

and yeah .. please do keep us all updated on this as I pop some corn and settle in to watch the drama unfold!

I think it's a certain area in Canada, maybe? These two friends live near each other, so that would explain it. I kept telling them how rude it was, and they wouldn't believe me. We're not friends anymore.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

It sounds like it's time to upgrade the size of the popcorn tub for this one.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

What's a Jack and Jill?

And about this- "Monday, he asked to talk to FI because he wants to make sure he's doing the "right thing". "

The Friend wants to talk to FI to make sure FI is doing the right thing, i.e. marrying you? Or Friend wants FI's validation that Friend is doing the right thing?

And Friend and Friend's FI became engaged to each other while still married to other ppl?! Holy shit. . .

[Deleted User] · May 2013

cmsciulli said:

What's a Jack and Jill?

And about this- "Monday, he asked to talk to FI because he wants to make sure he's doing the "right thing". "

The Friend wants to talk to FI to make sure FI is doing the right thing, i.e. marrying you? Or Friend wants FI's validation that Friend is doing the right thing?

And Friend and Friend's FI became engaged to each other while still married to other ppl?! Holy shit. . .

A Jack & Jill is a wedding fundraiser. The bride and groom make people buy tickets, and pay for their own drinks/food and games. It's to raise money for the wedding. So. Not only do the guests have to pay for a shower gift, a wedding gift, and possibly travel, but they are essentially paying for the wedding. The bride and groom pay for nothing.

banana468 · May 2013

Is this guy so out of touch that he doesn't *get* how out of line he is? Or is he spotting your FI as an easy target?

I just find it hard to believe that someone is this out of touch with the bounds of appropriateness.

MuppetFan · May 2013

In this case, they expect the bridal party to cover the costs of the food so they can get the money for the event. They also want a dinner as their bachelor/bachelorette party in addition to this (I misunderstood FI when he originally texted to me). So they want more than I thought.

CMScuilli, Best man, Let's call him Noah, wants to talk to my fiance about whether he's making the right decision to rush into the wedding with his Fiance. This debacle has nothing to do with my wedding except that Noah is our best man several months later.

Banana, I actually truly don't believe the groom knows anything about what is or isn't rude. He's never had a wedding that wasn't at a courthouse before (and this is his 4th). I also don't think the bride thinks she is rude, and if she is aware, I don't think she cares. She's very klassy, as you can tell.

I've been having the debate about whether the pot luck wedding is rude and people from the area they are from here seem to think they are acceptable overall, but think that her asking people she's not close to is ridiculous. I think her asking anyone is ridiculous. FMIL thinks that pot lucks are normal and said that her first wedding was one and she thinks I'm over sensitive (says the woman who verbally invited her friends to my wedding) ...but she does think its rude to ask people you don't know.

I've calmed down a little bit. Can't wait for FI to get home.... The only thing I'm prepared to offer is a dinner instead of their bachelorette parties.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

Domino04 said:

cmsciulli said:

What's a Jack and Jill?

And about this- "Monday, he asked to talk to FI because he wants to make sure he's doing the "right thing". "

The Friend wants to talk to FI to make sure FI is doing the right thing, i.e. marrying you? Or Friend wants FI's validation that Friend is doing the right thing?

And Friend and Friend's FI became engaged to each other while still married to other ppl?! Holy shit. . .

A Jack & Jill is a wedding fundraiser. The bride and groom make people buy tickets, and pay for their own drinks/food and games. It's to raise money for the wedding. So. Not only do the guests have to pay for a shower gift, a wedding gift, and possibly travel, but they are essentially paying for the wedding. The bride and groom pay for nothing.

TY for the explanation!

MuppetFan · May 2013

That was like my face earlier!!!! Only... a little more crazy, disgusted and blondel

MuppetFan · May 2013

and I just got the official facebook invitation. super klassy.

I also made the mistake of buying chocolate covered macadamias tonight. Is this stuff from the Gods?

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I'm angry and I don't even know these people.

jenn5628 · May 2013

I am also Canadian. I have lived, or have family/friends all across the country. Jack and Jill's or Stag and Doe's/Buck and Does as I've more commonly heard, exist everywhere. It seems to be more of a small town/country thing though. I've never really heard of them in larger cities. People generally expect it as part of the wedding celebrations. The wedding party sells tickets and they are actually fun to attend. It's like a fun night out that you wouldn't normally get in a small town. I've actually been to wedding receptions of people that I didn't know very well too. Sometimes people will have 'open receptions' after the meal and speeches etc. Now THERE's a great way to finance your wedding!

For the record, FI and I are doing NEITHER of these things.

Angelface225 · May 2013

I would also like to defend Canadians. They may be common, but it doesn't mean we all think that they are ok. The cash grabby thing has always made me squirmy.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Domino, FI thinks I pay way to much attention to TK and what my friends think is rude or unnecessary (like dollar dances and the chicken dance) and he's probably right (which is why I gave into the chicken dance). But while originally he was annoyed that I was annoyed about when she first mentioned having pot luck...he totally thinks this whole thing is a mess now and that it's all rude. I'm so absolutely relieved he sees this so clearly because I'd have to bite my tongue right off just to get through July (when their wedding is)

Jenn, I remember them being kind of popular in the 80s. My (ex) aunt's family is this amazing gigantic Portuguese bunch who really love family events and going all out (think My Big Fat Greek Wedding only with different, also awesome food). Their shower, jack and Jill and wedding were all huge events where everyone attended. No one thought it was rude, in fact, they would've thought it was rude to decline. I was the FG at like 8 and I remember thinking that the Jack and Jill was basically the same as their wedding (with DJ and full buffet). From that and from their wedding gifts, they had enough for a house downpayment.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I meant to ask at the end of that, were they "accepted" in the 80s? Anyone figure how to edit posts yet?

ETA. oh so i see it now. Thanks!

jenn5628 · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

I meant to ask at the end of that, were they "accepted" in the 80s? Anyone figure how to edit posts yet?

If you hover your mouse over your post there is a little 'wheel' icon that pops up in the top right corner which is the edit button.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Correction....I guess FI offered our house as a possibility (as did the MOH) in brief discussion, not knowing what a Jack and Jill is. I guess the bride didn't specify that (she just asked for it period). He and the MOH are going to talk about it on Monday. Essentially he's going to say that if she wants to do that, we will not participate.

We are going to offer whatever he wants for a bachelor party or dinner. We may offer to serve as the location for the RD...but not the host of it. We'll see how the conversation between FI and "Noah" goes on Friday.

He's stressing out how to carefully verbalize what he wants to say to Noah. We both think he's just going to go home and say "My best man just told me.....x y z..." and she takes him out of our life. FI doesn't have a lot of close friends.

NerdyLucy · May 2013

Interesting. I've never encountered one of these "Jack & Jill' weddings.

..and I love these GIFs. I'm probably making those same facial expressions.

jennylee813 · May 2013

Another Canadian chiming in:

I've only heard of Jack and Jills being co-ed showers, not fundraisers...

This whole thing blows my mind. I hope your FI tells him no, but be prepared for fallout from the BSC bride.

It also makes me appreciate how normal my life is. Today. Just today. That will likely change.

lisabeats · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

Correction....I guess FI offered our house as a possibility (as did the MOH) in brief discussion, not knowing what a Jack and Jill is. I guess the bride didn't specify that (she just asked for it period). He and the MOH are going to talk about it on Monday. Essentially he's going to say that if she wants to do that, we will not participate.
We are going to offer whatever he wants for a bachelor party or dinner. We may offer to serve as the location for the RD...but not the host of it. We'll see how the conversation between FI and "Noah" goes on Friday.
He's stressing out how to carefully verbalize what he wants to say to Noah. We both think he's just going to go home and say "My best man just told me.....x y z..." and she takes him out of our life. FI doesn't have a lot of close friends.

I feel badly for your FI having to have this conversation. If they're close enough friends to be each other's BM, I don't think expressing concern is out of line. Could he approach it as something like "I support you and want you to be happy [do boys talk like this to each other??], but I want to make sure you're not getting in over your head with the wedding. If the marriage is what you're sure you want, you don't need to go over the top just for a party. I'm also concerned about how other people will feel about the J&J party. Would you want to buy a ticket for OUR wedding party? It's not necessary, just host what you can afford. You and NoahsFI don't want to start your marriage off on a bad foot".

Honestly, I feel for your FI. Very awkward shoes for him, and for you!

MuppetFan · May 2013

lisabeats said:

MuppetFan said:

Correction....I guess FI offered our house as a possibility (as did the MOH) in brief discussion, not knowing what a Jack and Jill is. I guess the bride didn't specify that (she just asked for it period). He and the MOH are going to talk about it on Monday. Essentially he's going to say that if she wants to do that, we will not participate.
We are going to offer whatever he wants for a bachelor party or dinner. We may offer to serve as the location for the RD...but not the host of it. We'll see how the conversation between FI and "Noah" goes on Friday.
He's stressing out how to carefully verbalize what he wants to say to Noah. We both think he's just going to go home and say "My best man just told me.....x y z..." and she takes him out of our life. FI doesn't have a lot of close friends.

I feel badly for your FI having to have this conversation. If they're close enough friends to be each other's BM, I don't think expressing concern is out of line. Could he approach it as something like "I support you and want you to be happy [do boys talk like this to each other??], but I want to make sure you're not getting in over your head with the wedding. If the marriage is what you're sure you want, you don't need to go over the top just for a party. I'm also concerned about how other people will feel about the J&J party. Would you want to buy a ticket for OUR wedding party? It's not necessary, just host what you can afford. You and NoahsFI don't want to start your marriage off on a bad foot".

Honestly, I feel for your FI. Very awkward shoes for him, and for you!

We are not supporting the JJ party and he's going to tell the MOH that and why. If she wants to organize it fine, but we are not attending or contributing and we don't think most people that they know have money to attend this anyway. He's not having this conversation with Noah.

He and Noah are meeting tomorrow because Noah is expressing concerns about going through with the wedding at all, or postponing it. There's a lot we want to say about this whole thing but we've been biting our tongues for months. The fact that Noah asked for this meeting with him specifically gives FI the most appropriate opportunity to express what he feels. But, my advice was 1) to let Noah say what is on his mind first and comment and then 2) to be very very very careful about expressing FI's concerns. At this point, it's like "We respect that you are adults and are capable of making decisions, but are concerned at the haste and the comments you've made, have you considered postponing"?

He also has to have a vasectomy reversal so they can have kids. He's 49 and had 3 kids in their late 20s and early 30s. She's mid 40s and obsessed with biological clock, which i get... but he could start that process now...it's going to be a while before they can have kids...why not take their time getting married...?

lisabeats · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

lisabeats said:

MuppetFan said:

Correction....I guess FI offered our house as a possibility (as did the MOH) in brief discussion, not knowing what a Jack and Jill is. I guess the bride didn't specify that (she just asked for it period). He and the MOH are going to talk about it on Monday. Essentially he's going to say that if she wants to do that, we will not participate.
We are going to offer whatever he wants for a bachelor party or dinner. We may offer to serve as the location for the RD...but not the host of it. We'll see how the conversation between FI and "Noah" goes on Friday.
He's stressing out how to carefully verbalize what he wants to say to Noah. We both think he's just going to go home and say "My best man just told me.....x y z..." and she takes him out of our life. FI doesn't have a lot of close friends.

I feel badly for your FI having to have this conversation. If they're close enough friends to be each other's BM, I don't think expressing concern is out of line. Could he approach it as something like "I support you and want you to be happy [do boys talk like this to each other??], but I want to make sure you're not getting in over your head with the wedding. If the marriage is what you're sure you want, you don't need to go over the top just for a party. I'm also concerned about how other people will feel about the J&J party. Would you want to buy a ticket for OUR wedding party? It's not necessary, just host what you can afford. You and NoahsFI don't want to start your marriage off on a bad foot".

Honestly, I feel for your FI. Very awkward shoes for him, and for you!

We are not supporting the JJ party and he's going to tell the MOH that and why. If she wants to organize it fine, but we are not attending or contributing and we don't think most people that they know have money to attend this anyway. He's not having this conversation with Noah.

He and Noah are meeting tomorrow because Noah is expressing concerns about going through with the wedding at all, or postponing it. There's a lot we want to say about this whole thing but we've been biting our tongues for months. The fact that Noah asked for this meeting with him specifically gives FI the most appropriate opportunity to express what he feels. But, my advice was 1) to let Noah say what is on his mind first and comment and then 2) to be very very very careful about expressing FI's concerns. At this point, it's like "We respect that you are adults and are capable of making decisions, but are concerned at the haste and the comments you've made, have you considered postponing"?

He also has to have a vasectomy reversal so they can have kids. He's 49 and had 3 kids in their late 20s and early 30s. She's mid 40s and obsessed with biological clock, which i get... but he could start that process now...it's going to be a while before they can have kids...why not take their time getting married...?

I think this is best. I was reading it more as "I'm I handling this party right?" vs. "Should I really be getting married?" I don't know enough about them obviously to freely judge whether or not they should be getting married, but it does seem like a little extra time/thought wouldn't be a bad thing!

Jack and Jill Request = Muppet Explosion

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