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Not living together before marriage... anyone else???
My fiance and I are both 24. We've been dating since high school and we both went to a local college. We both still live at home with our parents and will not be living together until after the wedding. Is anyone else doing it this way??? People are always surprised when they find out that we don't live together, but I didn't think that we were doing anything abnormal. Please tell me that we are not alone!
PS. I don't want to offend anyone, I'm just realizing that living together is more common than I thought.
PS. I don't want to offend anyone, I'm just realizing that living together is more common than I thought.
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Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else???
I have started to favor the idea of living together before marriage, just because there are things you learn about a person that you can't know without living with the, or at least traveling with them and sharing space for a good month or so.. :P And often those are the things that you'd later think "If I'd known that, I would have reconsidered the wedding.. or at least gone in more prepared."
Currently, though, I have a 4 yr old son, and my BF (who we will eventually get married but for now it's conversations of "when we get married then..." ) has an 8 yr old.. so the idea of living together first is a little more complex, and we may not. Though we almost do now.. I spend the blocks of days when we both don't have our kids with us, at his place. This has taught me a lot about him, plus he is just more open than my ex ever was, , and it's noticible, so no amount of living together would have shown me all of what I needed to know about my ex.
Long story short: I thin it's wise and gives you information that's not available any other way. BUT I don't think you have to. Just realize that if you don't, or you don't sleep at the same place and deal with your own "daily life" issues in each others' presence early on, you may be asking for trouble when you finally do wed.
We did live apart for awhile and it was a huge PITA because I would be over at his apartment late and too tired to drive home. So then I'd stay over but have to get up extra early to go home and shower and have clothes and things. The times we didn't live together just seemed inconvenient. But that was our way of doing things and either way is perfectly fine.
[QUOTE]I think that moving in together, being intimate for the first time, and getting married are all giant steps in a relationship that can really bring up serious issues that might never have come up before. So I tend to think that couples who do all three at once are going to face a lot more difficulties than couples who take those steps separately. Not to say that you can't do it that way, but you need to be aware that you're going to have to learn to work together as lovers, roommates, and spouses all at once, and sometimes those roles can intersect in complicated ways.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
<div>I agree with this. I have some friends that moved out of their parents' houses and in together when they got married. The first year or two was really difficult for them. Now they are doing ok, but they really didn't know if they were going to make it for a while there. </div>
Really I think most people can make it work, I'm just glad we lived together for so long beforehand so I have one less transition to make in July!
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[QUOTE]I agree that living with someone gives you information about them that you really have no other way of knowing, and living together is a big step in a relationships so it may make the marriage transition a bit rougher. What always concerns me is when people have never lived by themselves or with non-related roommates before getting married. I think living on your own teaches you SO much about yourself! ANd living on your own is another huge step... But you didn't say you never lived alone so I'm not assuming this is the case with you. Really I think most people can make it work, I'm just glad we lived together for so long beforehand so I have one less transition to make in July!
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]
This. Exactly.
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Edit: nefariousmango was way right about living alone though. I would be more worried about it if neither one of us had ever lived away from parents' homes, just because I had friends that did that and it was a very rocky first year of marriage for them.
I heard somewhere that although the divorce rate is high in both circumstances, its actually higher for people who live together before marriage. I didnt look up the source on that, just heard it before.
He bought a house in October, before we were engaged, so he lives in his house while I stay with my Dad until the wedding. Not living together before was important to us, so we decided to wait.
That said, we are semi-LDR, so we spend the weekends together (and I often stay for a week or so when I visit him), so we know a lot about each other's habits and quirks. It works for us. I don't care if people want to live together before they're married are not.
I don't think there is a one size fits all answer for living together or not living together before marriage. The first year of sharing space is going to be hard regardless of whether that's before or after the wedding. And if you don't live with the parents or have the option of living with your parents, living apart when you know you're going to marry eventually can be an unncessary financial and logistical burden. But I know plenty of couples who didn't live together until they were married, for whatever reason, and it has worked well for them.
The statistics surrounding living together before marriage are flawed. I could go on and on, but it's long and I won't. But no matter what statistics say, your marriage isn't doomed if you live together before saying "I do."
There are things we're both realizing about each other, but it's something we would have seen if we lived together before marriage. No deal breakers, just habits.
I like Heels' (<- is that punctuation right?) answer. I just don't think it's the same answer for everyone.
In my area, I know very few couples who live together before marriage.
Yet, on TheKnot, there are many Knotties who DO live with their FIs, and many of them boast about it a lot. Whatever.
There's always an adjustment period when changing living situations, especially when living with another person, but I think it's a pretty self-centered person that thinks that being just married and just staring to live together could cause that big of a strain in the marriage. I think the biggest challenge comes in living away from your parents' house, not in necessarily getting a "roommate."
I find it ironic when people say living together first is better. How did all of those marriages in the "old days" ever last? And I've heard, too, that couples who don't live together first tend to have lower divorce rates. But numbers, shmumbers. I guess we're all supposed to do what we want now, anyway, right?
However, with my ex, we were LD for 3 years. Meanwhile, he was married to someone else and I had no idea until I moved to the town he lived in. He left her and moved in with me. I should have sent him packing, but I stayed for 3 more years, through the birth of their daughter. Living together didn't help our relationship at all, except that it helped me realize what a douche he was. On the upside, I am still close with his daughter.
I know people who have done both methods. I know that living with FI made the most sense for me, emotionally and financially. It made no sense to maintain 2 households if we were always at only one of them. Also, we bought a house together before we were engaged. i thought the house was my engagement ring, so to speak. That contract is more binding than a diamond!!
Moving in together made us much closer, wouldn't have done it any other way.
[QUOTE]I think there's not motivation to plan the wedding and spend the money when you're already living together. .
Posted by krissydawn16[/QUOTE]
I disagree. We have plenty of motivation, but we aren't rushing into anything just so we can play house. We want to have kids and I won't unitl I am married. We thought that buying a house was a better investment than buying a piece of jewelry or planning a party, and that maintaining 2 separate households did not make financial sense when we could combine and save the difference for the rest of our life together, not just the wedding. The wedding is only one day. We have created a financial basis together for the rest of our lives.
If you live with your parents, then that's a different situation, as you are not paying any separate living expenses. FI and I had both lived on our own for over 10 years by the time we met. Our parents don't even live in the same state.
With FI things are different...I had graduated from college been working full time living with a roommate for 1 year. He had moved to this city for a new job. We pretty much "lived" with each other spending night here and there. It truly was aweful when we were at one house and was like Man I wish I had this but its at home! Once pets got involved like children that complicated everything and we needed to stay more with the pets or travel with them. It was a waste of money either way that we were paying for 2 apts and only using 1 really. So when my roomie announced he was moving out of town financially I needed a roommate. I really couuldn't afforded a place by myself and had extra money for those tiny things like gas and food. So FI and I decided that we should move in together and we are saving money not paying 2 light bills 2 rents etc. It was a great decision and we have learned so much about each other!!
Everyone has their own path...it sounds like you are lucky enough to have a place to stay before you get married with your parents. Its where you find yourself when you are engaged. Don't feel bad just remember you will have so much to learn that first year what annoys you what you like etc. Its a lot to take in.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not living together before marriage... anyone else??? : I get this same look! My FI is currently living in the house we bought together, and he too has been living there since November. I may be a traditionalist, but there is just something about making that special for marriage. Not only am I counting down the days I get to marry my best friend, but also when I get to move in to our house!
Posted by socialworksarah[/QUOTE]
We talked about me moving in to his apartment before the wedding, but I said that living together would make me feel like we're already married and nothing would change after the wedding. I'm looking forward to that change happening all at once.
Maybe I just have an old fashioned, "taboo" feeling about it. I didn't realize that it had become so normal and accepted by society (again, not to offend anyone!). I guess it's because people are getting married when they are older now, so there aren't so many couples moving straight out of their parents house. I can understand the financial reasons for living together rather than supporting two separate households. And I know that pre-marital sex is not as taboo as it used to be, but I just feel like living together tells people that you're doing it, and I would feel embarrassed by that :)