FH Father is legit the BIGGEST POS I have ever met in my life!

KitCat13 · June 2013

So a short backstory, my soon to be husband's dad basically washed his hands with FH when he was a teenager and has tried to "mend" their relationship when it's convenient for for him (the dad).

He hasn't spoken to Joe since November and this includes Joe's birthday and Christmas. (Joe's dad wished him a happy birthday via FB to look like a good dad but never picked up the phone or sent a text)

So last night Joe receives a text from his dad saying just checking in with you, didn't hear from you on my birthday (which was Thurs) Joe just said he's been busy and hoped he had a good birthday he said that he did and he's dating a new lady and she made him all the trimmings. Joe said oh you have a new girlfriend he said yup and she is helping me pick out a gift for you I know it's a wedding but what do you want because you won't get anything just for you... WTF It's a wedding a gift should be for the both of us... Joe said we are registered at X & Y you can look there.

Well a few texts later it was implied that this new girlfriend would be coming with Joe's dad to the wedding.... hold the phone, what how does someone invite someone who isn't on the invite... Joe replied back with until 30 mins ago I didn't know this woman even existed and now you're telling me you're bringing her home for the wedding, I don't think so, we didn't budget for you to bring a guest and your invites and Save the date was addressed to you only (and I might add this man has add nothing money wise to the wedding or anything else besides complaining where it is at)

Joe's dad went on to say that they are moving in with each other and how could he be so cruel not to invite the new girl friend and he will bring her if he wants too, and all this other stuff... Joe said if she means that much to you and clearly have been dating for awhile if you are moving in with one another then you should have told me sooner we are not about to have a person we don't know at the wedding.

I am beyond myself. I HATE this man... for more reasons then this.. but I swear if we get back his RSVP card and her name or plus one is on it I am going to flip. I understand he is dating her but he should have said something a hell of a alot sooner then this. And we are already at max people and we can not afford to have another person "tag" along. I do not understand people like this... sorry for the vent but this really makes me mad.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

Ask yourself if this is a hill you want to die on. It sounds like your FFIL is going to be bringing this woman regardless of whether you tell him he can of not. All SOs of guests should be invited, and the general cut-off is the RSVP date. No one who starts a new relationship after that cane reasonably expect to bring their SO.

This is a decision your FI needs to make. He needs to decide whether he wants to risk alienating his father and ruining whatever relationship they have by not allowing this woman to come.

If your RSVP date hasn't passed yet, I think you should allow her to come. Is FFIL being tacky? Us. But this isn't worth fighting over. And as for capacity, you will likely have at least one RSVP 'no,' so your head count should be fine.

KitCat13 · June 2013

I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your advice.

But if this woman who has been in FFIL for however long (we aren't sure) just that it's been long enough that they are moving in with each other meant so much to him then he should have told Joe long before now.

Joe doesn't want some random woman (and I 100% agree with this) that he has never met and who knows how long she will be around, in our wedding pictures. FFIL should respect Joe's decision not to invite this stranger because that who she is, to our wedding.

Their relationship is already rocky but FFIL should be a grown up and when his son says he doesn't want a stranger at the wedding respect that. Which FFIL doesn't seem to understand.

If he was paying ANY money towards the wedding then maybe it would be considered but he hasn't... and up until not has showed 0 interest in this wedding. and the 1st time we would met this woman is at the wedding.

We both made a pack that said if we don't know a person's guest or if they haven't been in a seriously relationship for more then a year then they wouldn't get invited.

It's Joe's decision at the end of the day that this lady will be welcomed or not, but as of right it's an absolute no, and his father should respect his son's decision ,and if that means he refuses to come to his only son's wedding then that is his choice...

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

It is not your place to judge the seriousness of a relationship. I'm sorry, but that's just rude. You have no right, or place, or business, saying that one person's relationship is or is not serious enough. A year is an arbitrary cut-off date. FI an I are getting married eight days after our one-year anniversary. By your rule, we wouldn't be 'serious enough.'

Whether you and Joe like it or not, this woman may be in your lives for a long time. It's really not worth the fight you're spoiling for over it.

Also, having your FFIL's SO attend the wedding doesn't mean she's going to be in your photos. She's coming as a guest; guests aren't in photos. She will come, as his guest, you'll say 'hi' to her for all of five seconds, and at the end of the day, you won't really notice her.

KitCat13 · June 2013

But she'll sit with him in the front of the church and she will be in pictures. And we don't want a complete stranger in our pictures.

This man thinks because she is with him then she gets to do everything a family remember gets to do, and she isn't family.... she is a stranger.

But with all due respect I do believe I should have a say in who and who can't just bring a guest to a wedding that I'm paying for.

Up until last night we had no idea this woman existed, if he meant so much to her then he could have spoken up to FH and told him about her and be more up front about it. FH does not want this woman at the wedding, and if it was serious he wouldn't be hiding her from FH... I am allowed to judge that, and wonder just how serious they can be about each other... if you serious about a person then you like to talk about that person... I am allowed to wonder why if hasn't if he is moving in then why he can't be up front about her.

For all we know this could be a fling, we have no idea. But we do have the right to decide who gets invited.

If Joe doesn't want this woman being at the wedding then that is his decision, and I support him in it. His father doesn't get a say in who he can bring to the wedding, if an invitation is address to someone then you don't get to decide to bring a tag-me-long.

As I have said before, until last night Joe had no idea his father was dating someone or even moving in with a woman. If Joe's dad was this serious about a woman then he should have said something. So no she isn't invited and if Joe feels strongly about that then I support him.

At the end of the day his dad is not putting anything towards this wedding and never has even offered too. If he was maybe it would be a different situation and maybe she would get invited if we knew about her but we don't and we still don't know much about her other then they are dating and moving in... therefore she is a stranger to us.

AddieCake · June 2013

It's rude to not invite SOs. Who cares if she is a stranger to you? How does it affect you? There were husbands of a couple of my colleagues at my wedding that I had never met before. Was I supposed to not invite them b/c I had never met them? It's not like 30 random strangers are crashing your wedding. It's your FFIL's girlfriend, for fuck's sake.

KitCat13 · June 2013

OK first being married and just dating or just finding out about him dating someone is 100% different... they (they married couple) are in a commident relationship and clearly have been for years.

Not a I just met this person and haven't mentioned this person to anyone until last night but oh hey we are moving in with each other.

If we don't want a stranger who is just dating someone then that is our choice... not FFIL or his g/f if he TRULY has deep feelings for this person then he should have been more forth coming then what he has been... we don't want a stranger at our wedding that we don't know... and that we don't know how long their so called relationship is going to last.

We have every single right to extend an invite to someone or not. We are the ones hosting and paying for the wedding. Not him.

And if Joe does not want this woman at the wedding then he has every single right to say so and to not invite her. It's not his dad's choice, or the girlfriends, who we don't even know her name.

KitCat13 · June 2013

If it's rude for Joe to either feel comfortable at his own wedding or not then yes we will chose to be rude to make sure the groom has the people he wants there in support of him.

If his dad was truly a parent he would respect his son's wishes and not make an argument out of the fact that Joe doesn't want a person he has never met or heard about until less then 24 hours ago at his wedding.

How is it rude that we are paying for this wedding and Joe decides that if he can't be forth coming and tell him his son about this woman then she shouldn't get invited.... how is it rude to not want a stranger that we don't' know how long will be in the picture at our wedding?

AddieCake · June 2013

HoorayForSoup said:
You are correct, it is your choice. You can choose to be rude and not invite the SO. Or you can choose to be a good and gracious host.

This. What was your point in posting about this, then? To say THIS IS WHAT I'M DOING, AND I JUST WANTED TO LET ALL YOU INTERNET STRANGERS KNOW ABOUT IT.....?

KitCat13 · June 2013

No the point was to vent... but also get support.... how can it be alright to have someone TELL you what you're going to do to have someone TELL you no matter what you say I'm still going to bring this person.

We're not wrong... how can anyone sit here and say oh yeah FFIL is right he hasn't' told his son about a woman he is dating and moving in but yet he has the right to bring her to his son's wedding even though the son has has no he doesn't want him there. Guest don't get to choose who they can bring to an event they are invited too. It doesn't work that way.

KitCat13 · June 2013

if he was a GOOD FATHER then he would respect his son's wishes....

If Joe doesn't want this woman invited to HIS wedding then HE has the CHOICE to make that decision.

It's in good etiquette to also introduce your girlfriend to your son especially when you want to bring her to an event as big as your son's wedding.... it's also in good etiquette to respect the wishes of the ones who are hosting the event in question.

AddieCake · June 2013

I'm not saying he hasn't been a dick of a dad. I'm just saying it's wrong not to invite people's SOs.

KitCat13 · June 2013

yeah after MONTHS of dating and deciding to move in together... that's not forth coming. Not knowing her name, or anything about her is not forth coming. It's shady.

And if he doesn't want a stranger at his wedding who he has never met who will be seating with family who will be in pictures who will be around then that is his choice and I will support him because that is what you do when you are in a relationship.... there is a difference between a co-worker bring a husband you you have never met and your father bringing a girl you knew nothing about until last night... that is not forth coming... We don't want someone 20 years down the road in our pictures that we met once who happened to be FFIL flavor of the month... that isn't fair to us either.

And you're right there are bigger issues at hand but FFIL doesn't get to decide that it's ok to bring a date, when his son has made it perfectly clear that a date isn't welcome (and it not just her but it would be anyone, that he would try to bring)

fmbyo · June 2013

I don't have an issue with him inviting his soon to be live-in girlfriend, but why is the Dad invited at all? He hasn't been a part of his son's life, by choice, for many years. If you guys were going to make a stand, it should have been that.

Just saying.

KitCat13 · June 2013

I didn't make them up... but if FH doesn't want someone he has NEVER met or heard of in his life then by all means he has that right.

I will support my FH with whatever decision he makes because that is what you do, if he doesn't want his father's girlfriend there that he has never heard about then that is his decision. And people should respect that.

If Joe's dad would have been forthcoming about this sooner then this wouldn't be an issue but the fact of the matter is his dad hide it for months and now things every one to do what he wants to do and that isn't right nor is it justified.

fmbyo · June 2013

How much is your per head that this is such a massive imposition?

KitCat13 · June 2013

He was invited because Joe's grandmother and sister made FH feel guilty, telling them it wasn't fair that he would be the only one left out in the family invited and he needs to invite his father to his wedding. So for his grandmother and his sister he invited him.

Oh and to add either of them knew until Thurs he was dating someone...

KitCat13 · June 2013

Not that it really is any of your concern how much it is but 125 p.p.

fmbyo · June 2013

LOL, I apologize. The next time you whine on a public message board about how much of an imposition it is to have to add one person to your guest list and how it doesn't fit into the budget I'm sure no one will ask about the cost.

6fsn · June 2013

How long until the wedding? Get to know the woman. Case closed.

KitCat13 · June 2013

It's not rude when FH was completely rightist up and told his father how he felt he has every single right to tell him this and it became a huge issue with FFIL kept saying he was bringing her anyways.

It's not rude to hear out of the blue that he is bringing someone that no one has never heard of... sorry ... FH was truthful and told him that he didn't want her there. Fh has every single right to feel this way, and his father should be respect that.

KitCat13 · June 2013

I don't see how a specific cost down to the dollar amount should matter.... and it's not whining it's venting there is a difference but thanks for clearing that up for me.

6fsn not enough time. And they live out of state, so unless FH changes his ways and tries to be a dad and contact his son more then 6 months I really don't see that happening the 1st and only time we would met this woman would be at the wedding.

Which I will add it's not the woman fault is the father fault.

SBmini · June 2013

I don't think the problem here is your FFIL's girlfriend. The problem is how you and your fiance feels about his dad in general. You are looking for things to point to in order to justify the feelings. I can relate because I have found myself doing the same. But this isn't the battle to choose. It makes you look like the bitch and your FFIL look like the victim.

This really does not need to be a problem. There's nothing that says she needs to be in your photos. But the drama you are going to cause by causing a huge ordeal about not wanting her there is going to be far more painful than spending a few minutes with the woman at your wedding.

KitCat13 · June 2013

Are you kidding me... we should have contacted Joe's dad and asked if he was dating someone wow... that is funny.

I don't think a son should have to pick up the phone especially when the father can't pick up the phone to call his son on his bday or Christmas but we should pick it up and ask if he is dating someone .... wow..

Maybe I should because then I wouldn't get stupid answers like that... calling him to ask him... that's a good one. Oh and BTW when FH was in a wedding and we were JUST dating a month of two into our relationship they asked if him he would be offended if I wasn't added on the invite because they didn't know me and either of us thought it was rude we both completely understood. SO IT HAS HAPPENED

smalfrie19 · June 2013

Ya know. if someone has rsvp'd no ...there should be no issue whether she's been budgeted for. However, I think you are being entitled. I personally don't like my FFIL either but if he was actually in a relationship at the time we get married, of course I would invite this woman.

6fsn · June 2013

The big question here is if Joe wants a relationship with his dad. If he does then get over the girlfriend. Send her and email or set up a time to Skype. You can get to know somebody without actually seeing them in person.

If Joe doesn't care to have his dad in his life then leave the girlfriend out. You can stomp your feet and say you are right all you want, but it's not going to change how things have played out. You can't go back in time and change things, but you can set different expectations for your future.

FWIW I would be hurt about my dad not calling on my bday, but I also know I can pick up the phone on Christmas. I remember sitting in a safety meeting and someone talking about the person in the crosswalk having the right of way. While this is true, the person in the car can still hit them. Would you rather be dead in the cross walk knowing you are right, or safe on the sidewalk knowing the car was wrong? Would you rather not have the FIL in your life and know you are right? Or would you rather know that your FIL was a jerk, but you salvaged the relationship.

MuppetFan · June 2013

Just add her to the invite and grow up. This is silly. It doesn't matter what his relationship with his father has been in the past, it's good enough now to invite him to the wedding. It also doesn't really matter who the girlfriend is to you. She doesn't have to be in your family photos.

It would behoove you to support a relationship between them if they are both willing instead if helping to drive a wedge. My ffil wasn't present a lot previously but I've been inviting them over and things are actually nice. He had a lot of hurt about the past but got over it because we don't get to choose our parents or change the past and they aren't getting any younger,

It would be rotten of you not to Invite her.

MuppetFan · June 2013

Also I agree with pp. Your fiancé is an adult and is also capable of picking up the phone. Let the past be in the past and stop bringing your personal emotions into this. It's not about you.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2013

KitCat13 said:

yeah after MONTHS of dating and deciding to move in together... that's not forth coming. Not knowing her name, or anything about her is not forth coming. It's shady.

And if he doesn't want a stranger at his wedding who he has never met who will be seating with family who will be in pictures who will be around then that is his choice and I will support him because that is what you do when you are in a relationship.... there is a difference between a co-worker bring a husband you you have never met and your father bringing a girl you knew nothing about until last night... that is not forth coming... We don't want someone 20 years down the road in our pictures that we met once who happened to be FFIL flavor of the month... that isn't fair to us either.

And you're right there are bigger issues at hand but FFIL doesn't get to decide that it's ok to bring a date, when his son has made it perfectly clear that a date isn't welcome (and it not just her but it would be anyone, that he would try to bring)

If you're going to play the "you support someone when you're in a relationship with them" card, then be prepared for Joe's father to stand by his GF and support her right to attend this wedding as his date.

Look, you're going to do it anyway, and we all know that. We're trying to save you from being a rude, ungracious, petulant hostess, but we clearly can't. Just be prepared for the fallout from this if you go ahead with your plans.

Also, please learn the difference between "then" (an indication of order) and "than" (a comparative).

KitCat13 · June 2013

There already have been a fallout, Joe has no desire to have a relationship wit his father for choices his father has made...

At the end of the day this HAS nothing to do with my decision it has everything to do with Joe... and I support his decision there is more then just his dad springing his new girlfriend on us... but this was the icing on the cake. I will be a gracious host to people I know and people I have known about for more then 24 hours.

I don't understand how a son, who has been completely blinded sided and then told that this woman would be coming against a Joe asking his father to respect him is being rude... it's rude to assume it's fine to bring a tag me long. It's not fare to us.

And you're right the decision has been made and I will stand by Joe and his feelings...end of story... if that means that his father will choose his new fling then shame on him... he already bailed on his high school graduation for a school college graduation and now he is choosing not to come because his son asked for a simple request...

There is nothing wrong with Joe wanting something, and his father should respect him and his decision.

MuppetFan · June 2013

If you don't care for our advice, why ask for it or keep coming back? It sounds like you just wanted validation for you poor decisions and you aren't going to get it.

Why invite him to the wedding in the first place if he doesn't want a relationship with him? Think long and hard about the decisions you make today because the guy might not be alivr if joe changes his mind later. Just be clear that you are the ones in the wrong here and you're setting him up to make a decision that you think will prove his poor fatherhood if he chooses to honor his girlfriend. It's rotten if you to put him on that decision. You shouldn't have invited him in the first place if he didn't want him there

FH Father is legit the BIGGEST POS I have ever met in my life!

Re: FH Father is legit the BIGGEST POS I have ever met in my life!

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