Acceptable Gap?

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

belle2015 · June 2013

snippet17 said:

belle2015 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I'm sorry, but I'm really REALLY not buying this whole "I go straight from the plane to the wedding" thing. Nobody feels awesome and put together after travelling. Here's the list of things that the majority of humanity likes to do after getting off the plane:

1.) shower, like immediately
2.) Get over being groped/looked at naked by random strangers
3.) Get the fuck away from humanity for 2 freakin minutes.
4.) Get reaquainted with the fact that your limbs actually move
5.) Get out of clothes that let your body swell twice it's size

If guests are so excessively poor at planning that they can't get themselves checked into a hotel and to the wedding on time, that is NOT my problem. I am NOT making the rest of the guests suffer rudeness to cater to some knucklehead who can't get their shit together and get checked into a hotel on time.

I should have clarified. I wasn't the one who said I'd go straight from a plane to a ceremony. I'm saying if guests are driving/training an hour or two to your wedding. Or are local but want to stay at the wedding hotel so they don't have to worry about driving after partying. And when I do fly to a wedding it's not uncommon for me to get there the night before but stay with friends or a different hotel, especially if the wedding isn't in a particularly "happening" part of town. For example, the original poster who brought up this idea said she was getting married in Long Island. If I was going to a wedding in Long Island, I would probably want to spend the night before in New York City and then take the LIRR out the day of the wedding. I would imagine most people flying in from OOT for a wedding in the New York area would probably rather spend the "extra" night in the city rather than LI.

When I am only driving 2 or 3 hours to the wedding I don't mind checking in at 9pm or whenever we leave the wedding. If it is that big of a deal to us we would not go to cocktail hour and would check in at that time.

I have only been to 2 weddings where I would either drive 6+ hours or went via plane to get there. We stayed in the same place both nights. To me it doesn't make sense booking two hotels for that weekend

I totally get that. I guess I just have friends and family who like to get married about an hour or two away from big cities. If I have to fly into Chicago's airport (or whatever fun city I'd like to visit) for a wedding, but the wedding is more than an hour outside the city, I'm definitely spending the first night in Chicago, not in some random suburb I've never heard of. Even though that means booking two hotels. Other weddings I've gone to, I've stayed with a friend or family member the night before because if I'm in town I want to see them. I'll stay at the hotel for just the night of the wedding. My family and friends all do the same thing unless they need to be at the RD. I fully understand that gaps are rude if that isn't the way that your circle operates. But mine does. And I doubt mine is the only one. I've been to family weddings, friends' from high school's weddings, friends' from college's weddings, and random weddings as a guest of two exes and they have pretty much all run that way aside from the Friday night weddings (everyone checking in during the gap). I guess I feel like if you know that your guests are planning on only staying at the hotel for the one night and know that this is how they like to do things, I think it'd be ruder to have a gap than to not have one. I understand that's a big if, but if it applies to you then I think your guests' preference should trump the standard rule. Definitely something I'll consider if I ever get married, though, since apparently my "normal" is in the minority!

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Ok honestly - the "guests checking into the hotel" is a red herring and, IMHO, is used as an excuse to justify an unnecessary gap.

I believe that the primary reason for a gap is not because the B&G are trying to be considerate of the guests who need to check into a hotel (what about all their other guests?). I believe the primary reason is because they wanted an evening reception and/or they want to take photos.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok honestly - the "guests checking into the hotel" is a red herring and, IMHO, is used as an excuse to justify an unnecessary gap.

I believe that the primary reason for a gap is not because the B&G are trying to be considerate of the guests who need to check into a hotel (what about all their other guests?). I believe the primary reason is because they wanted an evening reception and/or they want to take photos.

The primary reason is 1) the church requires an early ceremony time and 2) the couple does not want a lunch reception (or simply this isnt an option in the location), and yes would prefer to serve their guests dinner and have a formal nighttime reception.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok honestly - the "guests checking into the hotel" is a red herring and, IMHO, is used as an excuse to justify an unnecessary gap.

I believe that the primary reason for a gap is not because the B&G are trying to be considerate of the guests who need to check into a hotel (what about all their other guests?). I believe the primary reason is because they wanted an evening reception and/or they want to take photos.

The primary reason is 1) the church requires an early ceremony time and 2) the couple does not want a lunch reception (or simply this isnt an option in the location), and yes would prefer to serve their guests dinner and have a formal nighttime reception.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But the issue is that having your cake (your early ceremony) and eating it too (your formal night time reception) is based on what the B&G want. NOT what's most convenient for guests. That's exactly where this type of thinking diverges from the RECEPTION being just that: receiving your guests and thanking them guests for coming to the ceremony. The reception should be all about what's best for your guests and if you plan it based around what's convenient for YOU and what YOU want, it loses the meaning it was supposed to have in the first place.

ETA: quote boxes not working... can't fix it.

Pepper6 · June 2013

I think you are using a poor excuse for a gap. It is your guests responsibility to plan their travel accordingly and most people will probably arrive the night before your wedding, therefore making any gap the day of completely unnecessary and solely for your benefit.

If I wanted time to see NYC, I would arrive a few days before the wedding, or stay a few days later. What I would NOT do is plan to make the drive to Long Island on the day of the wedding and go straight to the wedding from the car. Not only is that inconvenient for me, but also a logistical nightmare as you have no idea what traffic might be like.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Geez, I guess Prince William and Duchess Kate were terribly rude in having a gap between their post-ceremony celebration, and then nighttime reception. Tsk tsk.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Infact, I just cross referenced the timeline. The ceremony of William + Kate ended at 12:15, the Queen-hosted reception didn't begin until 1:40. That reception ended at 3:30. At 7 PM the nighttime reception began.

Sadly, none of us here are future-Princesses, however we can take a que from royal etiquette that "gaps" are not poor etiquette. You may dislike them, but they aren't breaking any etiquette code.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Infact, I just cross referenced the timeline. The ceremony of William + Kate ended at 12:15, the Queen-hosted reception didn't begin until 1:40. That reception ended at 3:30. At 7 PM the nighttime reception began.

Sadly, none of us here are future-Princesses, however we can take a que from royal etiquette that "gaps" are not poor etiquette. You may dislike them, but they aren't breaking any etiquette code.

Don't take your cues from royalty, this is like comparing apples and oranges. Or maybe do. . . because I believe several guests in attendance actually *gasp* wore white to Kate's wedding! So if Kate doesn't give a fuck, ladies neither should you.

Seems like the 7pm tea was more of an after-party if it had been in the States. Significant gaps between the ceremony and reception are widely considered rude in the US. .. rationalize your choices however you want to.

banana468 · June 2013

When I someone on this board has a wedding that's a WORLD EVENT such as William and Kate's they can consult the royal wedding planners to see how the rest of the guests were hosted.

Until then, it's downright laughable to say "but Will and Kate did it so I can too."

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Infact, I just cross referenced the timeline. The ceremony of William + Kate ended at 12:15, the Queen-hosted reception didn't begin until 1:40. That reception ended at 3:30. At 7 PM the nighttime reception began.

Sadly, none of us here are future-Princesses, however we can take a que from royal etiquette that "gaps" are not poor etiquette. You may dislike them, but they aren't breaking any etiquette code.

This is worse justification I have ever heard. First it was, "I'm catholic" then it was "I wanted an evening reception" now it's "well William and Kate did it".... You're really grasping at straws here. Give it up. It's rude - just accept it and own it. We all make etiquette mistakes, but it's better to learn from it so your don't perpetuate a cycle of bad manners.

Full disclosure: I had attire and "adults only" on my website before I realized it was rude. Then I fessed up and took it down. Now I know better. You're just confronted with so much information on why it's rude and you don't care. It's like explaining to a kid why you should put your napkin on your lap and he keeps saying he likes it on the table. Fine, but it's still rude.

KDM323 · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Infact, I just cross referenced the timeline. The ceremony of William + Kate ended at 12:15, the Queen-hosted reception didn't begin until 1:40. That reception ended at 3:30. At 7 PM the nighttime reception began.

Sadly, none of us here are future-Princesses, however we can take a que from royal etiquette that "gaps" are not poor etiquette. You may dislike them, but they aren't breaking any etiquette code.

Actually, the royal couple left the Abbey and went directly to Buckingham Palace. The journey took them just over 15 minutes or so.   And this was a GRAND CARRIAGE PROCESSION with thousands of people lining the streets.

They went IMMEDIATELY to the location of their reception. No "gap". They went FROM THE CHURCH TO THE PALACE. And then were inside, with their GUESTS for a little over an hour before being seen on the balcony around 1:27pm.

No gap. The reception began immediately after the wedding. The 1:27pm is when the couple was SEEN ON THE BALCONY for the "kiss". Not when the reception began.

The second event...that evening would be what many individuals here on the Knot refer to as an "after party".   It was only 300 or so of their closest friends and family...many if not all of whom had been at the ceremony. The OFFICIAL reception was the event immediately following the ceremony where EVERY guest that was at the ceremony was invited. Heads of state, foreign dignitaries, family members, friends, etc.

The evening event was an after party celebration for only their closest friends and family. The "gap" between the RECEPTION (held immediately after the wedding ceremony) and the evening party allowed the guests to go to their respective hotels, etc. and change, etc.

So...when you're going to try to use ROYALTY as a reason for poor etiquette, please get your facts right and don't make false assertions. Because there was NOTHING about the royal wedding that was an etiquette mistake. not one single thing.

They had a wedding. At the Abbey. They went IMMEDIATELY to the palace where a full afternoon reception was hosted. And then they had a 2nd party for only 300 of their original guests in the evening.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

I have my facts straight honey.

http://www.eonline.com/news/238972/kate-middleton-s-wedding-dress-here-s-the-exact-moment-we-ll-get-our-first-glimpse-clip-n-save

12:15 p.m. Bells will herald the newlyweds' departure

12:30 p.m. The duo arrives at Buckingham Palace.

1:25 p.m. Kiss me, Kate!

1:30 p.m. A flyover courtesy of the Royal Air Force and Battle of Britain Memorial Flight will mark the occasion.

1:40 p.m. The Queen-hosted reception begins at the palace, as 600 guests sip champagne and devour canapés at the buffet-style brunch service.

Liatris2010 I'm not a troll, I just happen to disagree with you, and other PP's on this particular point. If you want to think your afternoon lunch reception was worth not having a gap for, fine by me. I've just made the point that having said gap is not breaching etiquette. And, the only "evidence" anyone has supplied of it being against etiquette is "I dont like them" and Miss Manners who's brief paragraph on it only chides people who don't offer their guests any type of hosted event during the gap, which is not an issue for myself or other PP's who have said they will provide some form of hosted entertainment.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

drexelkathy said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Infact, I just cross referenced the timeline. The ceremony of William + Kate ended at 12:15, the Queen-hosted reception didn't begin until 1:40. That reception ended at 3:30. At 7 PM the nighttime reception began.

Sadly, none of us here are future-Princesses, however we can take a que from royal etiquette that "gaps" are not poor etiquette. You may dislike them, but they aren't breaking any etiquette code.

Actually, the royal couple left the Abbey and went directly to Buckingham Palace. The journey took them just over 15 minutes or so.   And this was a GRAND CARRIAGE PROCESSION with thousands of people lining the streets.

They went IMMEDIATELY to the location of their reception. No "gap". They went FROM THE CHURCH TO THE PALACE. And then were inside, with their GUESTS for a little over an hour before being seen on the balcony around 1:27pm.

No gap. The reception began immediately after the wedding. The 1:27pm is when the couple was SEEN ON THE BALCONY for the "kiss". Not when the reception began.

The second event...that evening would be what many individuals here on the Knot refer to as an "after party".   It was only 300 or so of their closest friends and family...many if not all of whom had been at the ceremony. The OFFICIAL reception was the event immediately following the ceremony where EVERY guest that was at the ceremony was invited. Heads of state, foreign dignitaries, family members, friends, etc.

The evening event was an after party celebration for only their closest friends and family. The "gap" between the RECEPTION (held immediately after the wedding ceremony) and the evening party allowed the guests to go to their respective hotels, etc. and change, etc.

So...when you're going to try to use ROYALTY as a reason for poor etiquette, please get your facts right and don't make false assertions. Because there was NOTHING about the royal wedding that was an etiquette mistake. not one single thing.

They had a wedding. At the Abbey. They went IMMEDIATELY to the palace where a full afternoon reception was hosted. And then they had a 2nd party for only 300 of their original guests in the evening.

I just royally loved your post.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

@LavenderHoneyBee - I'm genuinely curious how you would respond to this:

southernbelle0915 said:

The primary reason is 1) the church requires an early ceremony time and 2) the couple does not want a lunch reception (or simply this isnt an option in the location), and yes would prefer to serve their guests dinner and have a formal nighttime reception.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But the issue is that having your cake (your early ceremony) and eating it too (your formal night time reception) is based on what the B&G want. NOT what's most convenient for guests. That's exactly where this type of thinking diverges from the RECEPTION being just that: receiving your guests and thanking them guests for coming to the ceremony. The reception should be all about what's best for your guests and if you plan it based around what's convenient for YOU and what YOU want, it loses the meaning it was supposed to have in the first place.
ETA: quote boxes not working... can't fix it.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2013

It has been discussed that overseas some things are different than they are in the US. So not a good comparison. Even if it were, I highly doubt the royal couple or the Queen left all their guests to fend for themselves for that hour (if there really was a gap as I'm more inclined to believed drexelkathy on the timeline). Guests should be hosted from the beginning to the end of your wedding and never left on their own.

And the Catholic thing just doesn't fly. If you must have a nighttime reception then you don't get married in the church. If you must get married in the church you have an earlier reception. Pick one.

KDM323 · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

I have my facts straight honey.

http://www.eonline.com/news/238972/kate-middleton-s-wedding-dress-here-s-the-exact-moment-we-ll-get-our-first-glimpse-clip-n-save

12:15 p.m. Bells will herald the newlyweds' departure

12:30 p.m. The duo arrives at Buckingham Palace.
1:25 p.m. Kiss me, Kate!
1:30 p.m. A flyover courtesy of the Royal Air Force and Battle of Britain Memorial Flight will mark the occasion.
1:40 p.m. The Queen-hosted reception begins at the palace, as 600 guests sip champagne and devour canapés at the buffet-style brunch service.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ned9FxO-dAE

It took quite some time for all the cars full of guests, etc. to ARRIVE at the Palace considering the processional. They were driving slowly on streets LINED WITH PEOPLE WATCHING AND CHEERING...and every second of the entire processional was being broadcast around the world by news media.

Do you really think the Queen let her guests stand around just twiddling their thumbs as they were arriving at the palace? Seriously? Do you not think they were greeted and offered refreshments, etc. (oh, I don't know...something along the lines of a COCKTAIL HOUR) as they were arriving?

The "meal" portion of the reception started at 1:40pm...after all 600+ guests had arrived, etc. and the new couple kissed for the crowds, etc.

(I can't believe I even have to spell this out...or that anyone is accusing the ROYAL FAMILY of committing etiquette mistakes or having a "gap" in a ROYAL WEDDING. Or better yet, using that non-existent gap as a rationality for having their very own gap)

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Liatris2010 Lookie at that, we agree on something!

3. It isn't a "gap" if there is something hosted

Other PP's have argued on here that even if something is hosted, it's still rude. Which I would agree with to an extent, none of the weddings with gaps I've been to have had anything hosted - but it never bothered me. For my own personal event, I will have something hosted during this time just bc I think it's a nice gesture.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Geez, I guess Prince William and Duchess Kate were terribly rude in having a gap between their post-ceremony celebration, and then nighttime reception. Tsk tsk.

I don't think it means what you think it means:

Dreamergirl8812 · June 2013

Who needs IQ tests when we have the etiquette board?

NYCMercedes · June 2013

Earlier this week, Porscha got rid of one dense and argumentative poster. Just sayin.

sdg2502 · June 2013

I'm British and was actually at the Royal Wedding so I think that probably means I'm an authority on the subject!
Ok I was down in London with FI and we were part of the crowd lining the streets outside Buckingham Palace, but still! I was there!
Us Brits were willing to make an etiquette exception for the Royal Wedding to give Wills and Kate an opportunity to have a procession through the streets and a balcony kiss. If there is great public demand for FI and I to have a procession through the streets and to kiss on a balcony in front of a cheering crowd, I might even consider a gap myself.

I have learned pretty quickly that there is no sense in me chipping in on a normal etiquette thread because the norm in Britain is pretty different. I had never heard of a cocktail hour until I saw an episode of Four Wedding USA.
I have never been to a wedding with an open bar, if you search wedding venues in the UK you will see the drinks packages are all basically wine with the meal, drink for cake cutting, one for speeches and one on arrival for evening guests.
Which brings me to another difference...in the UK, almost all weddings have day guests and evening guests. Day guests attend the ceremony and meal and stay for the party. Evening guests arrive after the meal (around 7:30pm).
I'm not sure what the timescale looks like at a US wedding, but for us, the ceremony is usually about lunchtime, with the meal about 4pm and the evening lasting until midnight/1am.
I had never heard of a potluck or cake and punch reception until I started posting here.
We don't have wedding showers or Bridal showers.
The bride and groom usually pay for the outfit for anyone they ask to be in the wedding party (like bridesmaids and ushers).
I am sure there are probably more things but that's all I can think of right now

So, to sum up, I was at the Royal wedding and yes, you may curtsey.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

sdg2502 insert curtsey here :-)

Pookieson · June 2013

This thread is still alive??? Holy crap. Well, I guess if she insists on having a gap, she can go to Britain and do it. Here in the states...we frown upon that sort of thing. Though I will still stay I don't believe the royal couple had a gap, I'm sure no one at Buckingham palace was sitting around wishing they had some cheese and crackers, I'm sure they were well taken care of.

tammym1001 · June 2013

Shannon1401 said:

This thread is still alive??? Holy crap. Well, I guess if she insists on having a gap, she can go to Britain and do it. Here in the states...we frown upon that sort of thing. Though I will still stay I don't believe the royal couple had a gap, I'm sure no one at Buckingham palace was sitting around wishing they had some cheese and crackers, I'm sure they were well taken care of.

I can't believe it's still alive either. I started it and I gave up on it a long time ago.

kryan32 · June 2013

@tammym1001 - what did you decide to do with your situation? I liked the idea of having refreshments at the church...

tammym1001 · June 2013

I think that's what we're going to do, but I have to check with the church first.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

sdg2502 said:
I'm British and was actually at the Royal Wedding so I think that probably means I'm an authority on the subject!
Ok I was down in London with FI and we were part of the crowd lining the streets outside Buckingham Palace, but still! I was there!
Us Brits were willing to make an etiquette exception for the Royal Wedding to give Wills and Kate an opportunity to have a procession through the streets and a balcony kiss. If there is great public demand for FI and I to have a procession through the streets and to kiss on a balcony in front of a cheering crowd, I might even consider a gap myself.

I have learned pretty quickly that there is no sense in me chipping in on a normal etiquette thread because the norm in Britain is pretty different. I had never heard of a cocktail hour until I saw an episode of Four Wedding USA.
I have never been to a wedding with an open bar, if you search wedding venues in the UK you will see the drinks packages are all basically wine with the meal, drink for cake cutting, one for speeches and one on arrival for evening guests.
Which brings me to another difference...in the UK, almost all weddings have day guests and evening guests. Day guests attend the ceremony and meal and stay for the party. Evening guests arrive after the meal (around 7:30pm).
I'm not sure what the timescale looks like at a US wedding, but for us, the ceremony is usually about lunchtime, with the meal about 4pm and the evening lasting until midnight/1am.
I had never heard of a potluck or cake and punch reception until I started posting here.
We don't have wedding showers or Bridal showers.
The bride and groom usually pay for the outfit for anyone they ask to be in the wedding party (like bridesmaids and ushers).
I am sure there are probably more things but that's all I can think of right now

So, to sum up, I was at the Royal wedding and yes, you may curtsey.

How interesting, thank you for posting this! I love seeing different wedding customs from around the world.

sdg2502 · June 2013

Thanks @peledreamsofrain!

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