Not Engaged Yet

Pre-engagement to do lists

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Re: Pre-engagement to do lists

  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    If you called a vendor to ask about packages and pricing they would first say "OMG congratulations on your engagement!" Then ask when your date is, what your budget is, what your guest list looks like, if it's going to be religious or not, etc. You would probably be embarrassed to say you're not engaged but you HAVE discussed marriage with your boyfriend. If you were honest with them, they would be irritated because you're wasting their time. And when you got off the phone they would turn to their co-worker, roll their eyes and complain that you just wasted their time. Just my opinion (and probably most vendors).

    Just to be clear, I'm in real estate (not a vendor).



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    If you called a vendor to ask about packages and pricing they would first say "OMG congratulations on your engagement!" Then ask when your date is, what your budget is, what your guest list looks like, if it's going to be religious or not, etc. You would probably be embarrassed to say you're not engaged but you HAVE discussed marriage with your boyfriend. If you were honest with them, they would be irritated because you're wasting their time. And when you got off the phone they would turn to their co-worker, roll their eyes and complain that you just wasted their time. Just my opinion (and probably most vendors).

    Just to be clear, I'm in real estate (not a vendor).
    I guess I still don't get how its rude. If they do plan on using the venue how is it a waste of time for the vendor?


  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I went home from work and then went out to dinner and then got busy and missed stuff aaaaaah.

    @BriSox81 Thank you, that's pretty much what I was trying to get across.

    My partner and I have not contacted any vendors (and will not do so until we're engaged). We've been researching online and trying to get an idea of pricing. The only wedding purchases we've made have been paying for our engagement rings, which should be finished in early August.

    I mentioned this topic to him earlier tonight (like, "Hey, does it bother you that we're saving for the wedding and looking at pricing even though we're not engaged?"), and he and I got into a discussion about how this just feels right for us. We don't really even know how we got to the point where we knew we'd be engaged and then married, and we both independently came up with the idea that we'd live together for a year before getting engaged, and then we could get married on our anniversary about a year later.

    Kudos to everyone who's able to plan their wedding in a short number of months and pay for it. We make crap money; 20% of his paycheck goes to student loans, I had to spend all my savings last year on a medical crisis, and we live in Boston, where the cost of living and the cost of weddings are both high. So we decided to start figuring out our budget early.

    The way we're going about it isn't for everyone, but it works for us. We're happy with it.
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  • phira I understand making crap money. My FI and I are in the same boat. Thats why we are having a longer engagement than most (18 months total.) 

     Although I am am the fence for saving for a wedding before a wedding it sounds like you should be engaged end of august. (rings are purchased.) My FI and I had separate savings account prior to getting engaged that was used as savings for the future. None of which has gone to the wedding and nor will it. If we want the wedding of our dreams we are going to have to work for it. We refuse to dip into our savings already, thats for emergencies and such.  

    Dreamergirl8812 that its rude to contact vendors for pricing and stuff prior to being engaged. Their job is to make sales. Not being a serious 'buyer' any time soon is just wasting their time. They are generally very busy with other customers who have already committed to their services or they can be redirecting their time to serving a serious client. Its like going to a car dealership and sitting down with the sales person, making them go through the process of pricing the car and then saying. "Great! When I get my license in a few years I'll come back!."  
    Swazzle
  • SandraSandra member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its

    I have no idea that there was a pre engagement list to do. If you are thinking of getting engage, then do it but why would you start preparing and thinking about a future that does not exist. 

    You cannot force your boyfriend to propose, if you are so desperate then do it yourself, but if you start pushing too much he will walk away.

    Think about it, if he has not done it yet, what makes you think he wants to do it at all.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Sandra said:

    I have no idea that there was a pre engagement list to do. If you are thinking of getting engage, then do it but why would you start preparing and thinking about a future that does not exist. 

    You cannot force your boyfriend to propose, if you are so desperate then do it yourself, but if you start pushing too much he will walk away.

    Think about it, if he has not done it yet, what makes you think he wants to do it at all.

    Okay, that is just a ridiculous statement. Just because a guy hasn't proposed yet doesn't mean he won't in the future.


    KeptInStitches[Deleted User]CLoGreenEyesJean0715
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @Jean0715 Yeah, I mean, the situation we're in is definitely not the traditional relationship narrative version of how people go from being "not engaged" to "engaged." We are definitely not actually reaching out to ANY vendors.

    We have thought about changing our planned wedding date so we'll have more time to save. However, neither of us wants to wait much longer to get married than we already are waiting. We're also being very stingy about what would be absolutely necessary, in terms of ways we'd be able to cut costs and not have to wait even longer to get married.

    I have asked him if we could just, you know, NOT spend the money and just hit up the courthouse and elope, but it's very important to him to have our friends and family see us get married and celebrate with us. So goodbye, awesome money, it was nice having you for a bit.
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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oh @desertsun I miss you around these parts!!



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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @desertsun - I miss you! You are always give the best advice :)



  • @Swazzle and @bethsmiles, thanks ladies! I pop in sometimes on Fridays and Saturdays when it's slow at work. But it seems like the board is pretty dead at those times. :( 

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  • @desertsun miss you around here too!

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  • Pre-engagement to do list:
    • Meet each others friends AND families at least once each
    • Make sure you have the same ideas about money, sex, gender roles, babies.
    • Make sure you actually like each other, and enjoy spending time together.
    • Move in together
    • Have a fight about something serious. Work it out until you're on the same page again. Have make-up sex.
    • I mean it about the money, sex, gender roles, and babies expectations. Those each deserve their own separate conversations. Long ones. With credit scores and timelines and career goals and concrete things.
    • Also not joking about making sure you like each other. A stupid number of people marry partners they don't actually really like all that much.

    Don't do any of the weddingy crap on your "checklist" until the above is solid. How do you know the above is solid? When you don't feel anxious about weddingy crap anymore.

    "I wish yo azz all tha dopest up in yo' marriages"
    phiraCLoGreenEyesKeptInStitcheslabro
  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    As usual, @desertsun articulates things way better than I ever could. Her post is pretty much exactly what I was trying to say... but way better. Obviously. Love you, lady :)



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