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Autistic/mentally retarded sister....

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Re: Autistic/mentally retarded sister....

  • kiddodarlingkiddodarling member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    @libby2483 the OP actually said the reason she's having it in VA because their guest list is there not FI family and that it's cheaper. What I'm trying to get across is that its silly to say that you love your sister more than anything but you didn't think of her when you chose your location but now you want to honor her in some way. I was raised with the thinking of those who have special needs should be put before our wants because think of how terrible it must be to be trapped like they are and to not be able to experience the things 'normal' people can. That's why I'm so like you should have thought of her first instead of after. @MariePoppy I love that you said I respectfully disagree! Idk why but that's my favorite saying ever! I agree that in the situation with what your daughter did in that situation! It sounds like you raised a great person! However the OP didn't mention her sister having issues with being in new places, just the travel. So I assumed just the traveling part would be an issue. With my sister no matter what city we are in we can keep her schedule the same so she doesn't have issues. I was hoping OP's sister was similar. I also should have mentioned in my original comment that I agreed with your original comment. It was good advice. @Grabows14 I agree 100% with what you're saying! I need to work on my tact cause this is what I was aiming for with my meds comment.
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    @libby2483 the OP actually said the reason she's having it in VA because their guest list is there not FI family and that it's cheaper. What I'm trying to get across is that its silly to say that you love your sister more than anything but you didn't think of her when you chose your location but now you want to honor her in some way. I was raised with the thinking of those who have special needs should be put before our wants because think of how terrible it must be to be trapped like they are and to not be able to experience the things 'normal' people can. That's why I'm so like you should have thought of her first instead of after. @MariePoppy I love that you said I respectfully disagree! Idk why but that's my favorite saying ever! I agree that in the situation with what your daughter did in that situation! It sounds like you raised a great person! However the OP didn't mention her sister having issues with being in new places, just the travel. So I assumed just the traveling part would be an issue. With my sister no matter what city we are in we can keep her schedule the same so she doesn't have issues. I was hoping OP's sister was similar. I also should have mentioned in my original comment that I agreed with your original comment. It was good advice. @Grabows14 I agree 100% with what you're saying! I need to work on my tact cause this is what I was aiming for with my meds comment.
    ::Side eyes suspiciously::

    Is there something else going on here @kiddodarling? Have you been snubbed from a wedding or something?

    This "black and white" garbage and "if you really loved her" BS seems like you're emotional about something that has nothing to do with OP. We all made decisions about our weddings and there are tons of competing interests that we have to find a way to balance in order to plan a wedding. If it wasn't so fucking complicated, this forum wouldn't exist.





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  • @libby2483 the OP actually said the reason she's having it in VA because their guest list is there not FI family and that it's cheaper. What I'm trying to get across is that its silly to say that you love your sister more than anything but you didn't think of her when you chose your location but now you want to honor her in some way. I was raised with the thinking of those who have special needs should be put before our wants because think of how terrible it must be to be trapped like they are and to not be able to experience the things 'normal' people can. That's why I'm so like you should have thought of her first instead of after. @MariePoppy I love that you said I respectfully disagree! Idk why but that's my favorite saying ever! I agree that in the situation with what your daughter did in that situation! It sounds like you raised a great person! However the OP didn't mention her sister having issues with being in new places, just the travel. So I assumed just the traveling part would be an issue. With my sister no matter what city we are in we can keep her schedule the same so she doesn't have issues. I was hoping OP's sister was similar. I also should have mentioned in my original comment that I agreed with your original comment. It was good advice. @Grabows14 I agree 100% with what you're saying! I need to work on my tact cause this is what I was aiming for with my meds comment.
    ::Side eyes suspiciously::

    Is there something else going on here @kiddodarling? Have you been snubbed from a wedding or something?

    This "black and white" garbage and "if you really loved her" BS seems like you're emotional about something that has nothing to do with OP. We all made decisions about our weddings and there are tons of competing interests that we have to find a way to balance in order to plan a wedding. If it wasn't so fucking complicated, this forum wouldn't exist.


    I have never been snubbed from a wedding. 

    I am emotional because autism and how people treat individuals with autism is a big issue with me. I work in the field and my mom and I are my sisters primary care-givers. I see things like this happen everyday. Mothers leave their kids with autism and move to different states and then never see their kid but once a year. Or when its time for family vacation, families leave their kid in a group home, because they just don't want to have to deal with their childs needs. 

    To me, this situations IS black and white. It is not complicated. but thats just MY opinion, which is what I gave. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @libby2483 the OP actually said the reason she's having it in VA because their guest list is there not FI family and that it's cheaper. What I'm trying to get across is that its silly to say that you love your sister more than anything but you didn't think of her when you chose your location but now you want to honor her in some way. I was raised with the thinking of those who have special needs should be put before our wants because think of how terrible it must be to be trapped like they are and to not be able to experience the things 'normal' people can. That's why I'm so like you should have thought of her first instead of after. @MariePoppy I love that you said I respectfully disagree! Idk why but that's my favorite saying ever! I agree that in the situation with what your daughter did in that situation! It sounds like you raised a great person! However the OP didn't mention her sister having issues with being in new places, just the travel. So I assumed just the traveling part would be an issue. With my sister no matter what city we are in we can keep her schedule the same so she doesn't have issues. I was hoping OP's sister was similar. I also should have mentioned in my original comment that I agreed with your original comment. It was good advice. @Grabows14 I agree 100% with what you're saying! I need to work on my tact cause this is what I was aiming for with my meds comment.
    ::Side eyes suspiciously::

    Is there something else going on here @kiddodarling? Have you been snubbed from a wedding or something?

    This "black and white" garbage and "if you really loved her" BS seems like you're emotional about something that has nothing to do with OP. We all made decisions about our weddings and there are tons of competing interests that we have to find a way to balance in order to plan a wedding. If it wasn't so fucking complicated, this forum wouldn't exist.


    I have never been snubbed from a wedding. 

    I am emotional because autism and how people treat individuals with autism is a big issue with me. I work in the field and my mom and I are my sisters primary care-givers. I see things like this happen everyday. Mothers leave their kids with autism and move to different states and then never see their kid but once a year. Or when its time for family vacation, families leave their kid in a group home, because they just don't want to have to deal with their childs needs. 

    To me, this situations IS black and white. It is not complicated. but thats just MY opinion, which is what I gave.

    I disagree that autistic people and others with special needs automatically get to have everyone else schedule everything around their needs.

    I read a lot about how people without those needs often feel neglected because everything else automatically does get scheduled around the needs of other family members with whatever has been designated as "special needs."  They don't get things their friends get; money gets spent on the special needs person that doesn't get spent on them; the special needs people need medical and other attention and get it in disproportion to their other siblings.

    So I can't blame the non-special needs people for wanting, at least for one day of their lives that is supposed to be a one-time occasion, to have their own needs prioritized, even over the special needs.  Sometimes it is fair to expect even special needs people to take lower priority.

    That said, I also agree that if it's really important to have a special needs person at one's wedding, that person's needs should be provided for as much as possible-but only to a reasonable extent, which can vary depending on the needs and other factors-not to the extent that it cancels out every other consideration.

  • @Jen4948 I have met siblings who have felt like they missed out on things. I really want to slap those people. Yes my parents spent a lot more time and energy on my sister than they did with me or my brother. However, think of all the things a "regular" or "normal" person can do that a handicapped person can't. Then tell me you're neglected or missing out. People with severe autism or even Asperger's have to go through so much and they don't understand whats wrong with them. Most will never get married, have babies, or even drive a car.

    I agree with you that it would be wrong to blame someone for wanting their needs prioritized during one time occasions. However, a need is different from a want. Such as, the wedding doesn't NEED to be in VA. The OP made the decision that the wedding in VA is what she wanted more than her sister being at the wedding. Did she necessarily think of it like that? Probably not. Is her sister not being there wrong? No (even if I think its wrong), but she shouldn't than try to honor her sister when she's the one who essentially decided her sister couldn't come by choosing a venue that was across the country. I hope that makes sense.

    I also agree with your last paragraph.

    I'm not trying to come off as rude or super judgmental. I'm simply giving my honest opinion on a subject that's dear to my heart.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    @Jen4948 I have met siblings who have felt like they missed out on things. I really want to slap those people. Yes my parents spent a lot more time and energy on my sister than they did with me or my brother. However, think of all the things a "regular" or "normal" person can do that a handicapped person can't. Then tell me you're neglected or missing out. People with severe autism or even Asperger's have to go through so much and they don't understand whats wrong with them. Most will never get married, have babies, or even drive a car.

    I agree with you that it would be wrong to blame someone for wanting their needs prioritized during one time occasions. However, a need is different from a want. Such as, the wedding doesn't NEED to be in VA. The OP made the decision that the wedding in VA is what she wanted more than her sister being at the wedding. Did she necessarily think of it like that? Probably not. Is her sister not being there wrong? No (even if I think its wrong), but she shouldn't than try to honor her sister when she's the one who essentially decided her sister couldn't come by choosing a venue that was across the country. I hope that makes sense.

    I also agree with your last paragraph.

    I'm not trying to come off as rude or super judgmental. I'm simply giving my honest opinion on a subject that's dear to my heart.

    I think it depends on what has to be balanced against her sister's being there.  It's not just the OP's wedding, remember-it's also her FI's.  Maybe it's not just her wanting the wedding to be on the other side of the country, but for whatever reasons her FI can't go cross-country to where her sister is.  I think there's a lot we don't know here.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    @Kiddodarling - I think you're being harsh.

    I'm willing to take this bride's word for it that she loves her sister and wants to honor their relationship. I'm sure she could set up a little ceremony and party for her sister, where her sister is comfortable. She shouldn't be expected to give up her wedding with her family members, who she loves, also. 

    Everyone deserves some compassion, now and then, even those who care for the disabled. 
                       
  • @MariePoppy I'm not saying she should give up her wedding or not have a ceremony with her sister at a different time. Like I said I agreed with your original response. I just think the OP put herself in a hard place, as well as, her parents (if they're the ones that take care of their autistic daughter). The tough thing here is this is all speculation on a small paragraph and the OP is obviously not coming back. My response might change if I knew more of the situation. Perhaps there's more than just the travel issue?
  • @Jen4948 I completely agree with you. There are obviously other factors in this situation, but we don't know those factors. I'd love to know more of the story.
  • Okay I am just going to throw this in here right now. Was doing some lurking catching up on posts and junk and let me say I work with special needs children. It should NEVER be as easy as just taking some extra meds tho get through things. Lots of behavioral meds have negative side effects and can't just be taken on and off like that. You should never think that because they take as many pills as they do now one more will be okay. BECAUSE IT'S NOT OKAY! And its not about love or not it is about the emotional stress and the breakdowns that can occur from travel like that. Lots of people with special needs need one common thing. Routine. And sometimes when they routine is broken they can have a sever breakdown. But you say just pop a pill. It is not that easy. God forbid you ever do that to someone. It takes a lot of work and if her sisters caregivers can prepair her for that then that is great if not then that is fine. Just do something with her when you see each other.
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  • I have a sister that seems to fit what you are describing.  She will not be my MOH, but she WILL be a bridesmaid.  Our brother will walk her down the aisle, but then she will be seated instead of standing for the ceremony as she would not stay still long enough to stand.  She will be treated like any other member of the bridal party.  Most likely she will NOT come to the bachelorette, because that isn't something that she would enjoy, and it would put added stress on me, but in no way shape or form would I consider anything that would exclude her.  My parents do plan on getting her some extra anti-anxiety medication for the day of the wedding to help ease her unfamiliarness, but we are able to take her to the venue in advance to get her more familiar.  She would be unable to complete MOH duties, so I am still including her, just not in a responsible capacity.  I agree that it seems like you are making excuses to exclude her.  I understand where you are coming from, as for once the attention should be on you, but I would find a way to have her there.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    @jenfromjersey - it sounds like your sister lives within driving distance to the venue, since you can take her there to get used to the surroundings. Someone will be able to take your sister home, if the wedding day isn't going well for her. That's not the case for OP. Also, not everyone can add an extra anti-anxiety med to their Rxs for the day. Each situation is different. There's no one size fits all. What's best for your sister may not work at all for OP's sister.

     I didn't get the impression that OP just wants to be the center of attention for her wedding day. 
                       
  • You people are Fucking disgusting to say she must not love her sister enough or that she's making up excuses. Pull that holier then thou additude out of your ass and realize sometimes things just don't work the way you would want them to. Not everyone is the same. Her sister can't make the trip and stay in a good state of mind. There is nothing wrong with that.
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