Wedding Etiquette Forum

afraid PPDs more common than we even think

You know, with all the threads lately with posters asking about the correct etiquette for their PPD, you'd have to wonder if some of them are, well, less than real stories. Except... I've mentioned before, I work in a clerk's office. People come in for marriage licenses every day, and in the summer, that's usually anywhere from 4 to 8 a day (it's not a big city office, but not a tiny one either). This year, there's been about one PPD a week. At least one couple tells us that they need a list of judges available because they're going to do a "quickie" justice of the peace ceremony now, then a big "wedding" later... but shhh, it's a secret! We're not telling our parents/friends/anyone!

Their reasons are everything you see on here, to get health benefits, to get a visa, military reasons, or just because it's convenient for them to get some legal benefit now, but have the party/presents/attention later. They don't think there's anything wrong with doing it, and in all honesty, most of the other people I work with think it's not a big deal either. Is the general public consensus becoming that this is an acceptable thing to do, despite etiquette? 

(Whatever public opinion is, personally, I just can't get past the lying part of it, so I would never be a fan, even if etiquette agreed, but that's just me.)
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Re: afraid PPDs more common than we even think

  • It sucks. At least some people are smart enough to not tell anyone. Like if you're going to be stupid, don't tell anyone about it!

  • I roll my eyes hardcore. There are a few situations when I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but none of those situations include lying to my face about it. Have the balls to tell me that you're having a PPD so I can at least respect that.




    PrettyGirlLost+misslisa
  • That's what I keep saying. Whatever private eyeroll I might do, that's fine, but just be upfront about it. I mean, if there's nothing wrong with having your do-over day, why lie to hide it?
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  • I don't know what it is about weddings that makes people so fucking unbearable.


    ETA spelling
    preach it sister. Weddings (ppds and otherwise) bring out the crazy.
  • It's fortunately becoming more acceptable, but that doesn't make it right. I've been anti-PPD for several years, for a couple reasons. One being that a boyfriend I was very in love with cheated on me with a woman who he ended up getting pregnant, they had a courthouse wedding, and all I heard through the grapevine after that was that they were going to have their "real wedding" later on when they could afford it. Of course I'm bitter and biased towards PPDs because of this experience. I hope their child never has to find out that his potential college savings got used on a re-do wedding. 

    The other big reason is, being that I work at a salon, the level of insanity and BSC that I see from a lot of brides is somtimes enough to make me never want to get married. To top it off, we've had clients that were having PPDs and it just baffles me how a person can get SO worked up and bratty and inconsiderate for an event that is really a non-event, because, THEY'RE ALREADY MARRIED. They're basically just playing dress-up and putting on a show for a bunch of people. The level of entitlement of these "brides" is unfathomable to me.

    I don't know what it is about weddings that makes people so fucking unbearable.
    Oy, I know. I'll even include myself in that one, sometimes. Why is this thing stressing me out so much? I don't think I've been unbearable to anyone else but honestly sometimes *I'm* sick of me and my wedding worries, and when these girls are describing their "it wasn't a real wedding" ceremony, part of me is thinking, "Oh, that sounds peaceful and nice. Can we trade?"

    But yikes, my sympathies. I don't blame you at all for that bias, if you can even call it that when, after all, you're right.


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    lizandmark2014
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2013
    And of course what follows will be that everybody's doing it so it mst be okay for me to do it too. Because, you know, if it's common, then it must be not against wedding etiquette. We're just married old hags with old fashioned ideas.
    grumbledore
  • NYCBruin said:
    When did the actual getting married part go from being the only requirement of the day to being an afterthought (or rather a before-thought)?  

    I blame TLC and all their god awful wedding shows.
    WORD.

    I just said to my FI today, the most important moment on that day, in my opinion, is going to happen about 10-15 minutes after I walk down the aisle. That's actually the *only* moment that really matters, the one where we're, you know, married. The rest is nice and hopefully fun, but it's just for extra.
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    PrettyGirlLostbnrandallshaylagirl
  • 32daisies said:
    Oy, I know. I'll even include myself in that one, sometimes. Why is this thing stressing me out so much? I don't think I've been unbearable to anyone else but honestly sometimes *I'm* sick of me and my wedding worries, and when these girls are describing their "it wasn't a real wedding" ceremony, part of me is thinking, "Oh, that sounds peaceful and nice. Can we trade?"
    I imagine you're pretty bearable, considering you spend time here and you probably know more etiquette than 3/4 of the people I know put together :) I just can't imagine the stress of it all. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you become husband and wife with the love of your life. I know the truth of the matter is that "Once you start inviting people, it's not just about you anymore" and that's where I think the stress originates: the pressure of coordinating an amazing, memorable event. 
    32daisies
  • 32daisies said:
    Oy, I know. I'll even include myself in that one, sometimes. Why is this thing stressing me out so much? I don't think I've been unbearable to anyone else but honestly sometimes *I'm* sick of me and my wedding worries, and when these girls are describing their "it wasn't a real wedding" ceremony, part of me is thinking, "Oh, that sounds peaceful and nice. Can we trade?"
    I imagine you're pretty bearable, considering you spend time here and you probably know more etiquette than 3/4 of the people I know put together :) I just can't imagine the stress of it all. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you become husband and wife with the love of your life. I know the truth of the matter is that "Once you start inviting people, it's not just about you anymore" and that's where I think the stress originates: the pressure of coordinating an amazing, memorable event. 
    Yes, that's almost exactly what my FI said. He said, "If you were planning a regular dinner for a couple hundred people, with drinks and dancing, no wedding involved at all, you'd be just as stressed about it coming off well." Yes, it's the event planning that's stressful, not the wedding.

    Thanks, though -- I hope I'm bearable. Because you're so right -- all that matters is that I get to marry the bestest guy ever. :)
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  • I also blame stupid TLC wedding shows for inducing wedding planning stress.

    The reception is a party, it should be fun to plan!

    As long as your guests are fed and watered and have a place to sit, it'll probably be a good time.  

    Step away from the Pinterest and turn off the David Tutera.  A perfect wedding is one where you end up married to the right person, even if you're wearing an off-the-rack dress or you didn't finish your DIY project.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    linnyv27PrettyGirlLostFLDivershaylagirl
  • NYCBruin said:
    I also blame stupid TLC wedding shows for inducing wedding planning stress.

    The reception is a party, it should be fun to plan!

    As long as your guests are fed and watered and have a place to sit, it'll probably be a good time.  
    I hope so. It's the OOT guests that are making me nervous about mine -- it's so much of the guest list. I just feel like they're making such an effort to be there, I want to make sure they're going to have fun.

    I haven't watched a lot of TLC shows, other than a few "Say Yes to the Dress" eps, which I found kinda, well, alien. But I think you might be right about that kind of thing feeding into PPD mania, at the very least.
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  • 32daisies said:
    NYCBruin said:
    I also blame stupid TLC wedding shows for inducing wedding planning stress.

    The reception is a party, it should be fun to plan!

    As long as your guests are fed and watered and have a place to sit, it'll probably be a good time.  
    I hope so. It's the OOT guests that are making me nervous about mine -- it's so much of the guest list. I just feel like they're making such an effort to be there, I want to make sure they're going to have fun.

    I haven't watched a lot of TLC shows, other than a few "Say Yes to the Dress" eps, which I found kinda, well, alien. But I think you might be right about that kind of thing feeding into PPD mania, at the very least.
    I'm frequently an OOT guest at weddings.  I always have a good time.  Seriously.  I love weddings.  I love watching people I care about join in marriage.  I love celebrating with them afterwards.  I've been to super low budget weddings in church basements and super fancy weddings in country club ballrooms.  I've loved them all.  It's great to catch up with friends and family I haven't seen in a while and/or meet new people.  Of course I may be biased seeing as I met FI at a wedding ;)

    So long as there's food, something to drink, and maybe some music, your guests will have an amazing time!
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    32daisies
  • NYCBruin said:
    32daisies said:
    NYCBruin said:
    I also blame stupid TLC wedding shows for inducing wedding planning stress.

    The reception is a party, it should be fun to plan!

    As long as your guests are fed and watered and have a place to sit, it'll probably be a good time.  
    I hope so. It's the OOT guests that are making me nervous about mine -- it's so much of the guest list. I just feel like they're making such an effort to be there, I want to make sure they're going to have fun.

    I haven't watched a lot of TLC shows, other than a few "Say Yes to the Dress" eps, which I found kinda, well, alien. But I think you might be right about that kind of thing feeding into PPD mania, at the very least.
    I'm frequently an OOT guest at weddings.  I always have a good time.  Seriously.  I love weddings.  I love watching people I care about join in marriage.  I love celebrating with them afterwards.  I've been to super low budget weddings in church basements and super fancy weddings in country club ballrooms.  I've loved them all.  It's great to catch up with friends and family I haven't seen in a while and/or meet new people.  Of course I may be biased seeing as I met FI at a wedding ;)

    So long as there's food, something to drink, and maybe some music, your guests will have an amazing time!
    Thanks, I needed to hear that!

    oooh, what a romantic place to meet your FI!
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  • 32daisies said:

    Thanks, I needed to hear that!

    oooh, what a romantic place to meet your FI!
    Anytime!  But really, your OOT guests are coming to your wedding because they care about you, want see you exchange vows, and want to visit with you.  The rest is just minor details :)

    And thanks! We like to think so!
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • PPD isnt always a negative thing. I'm having one for our 10th year being together. I'm not lieing about anything or even legally married at All. Maybe most arent mad about ppds they just don't like being lied to.
    GlassButton+misslisa
  • clg1213 said:

    Before coming here, it really never occurred to me to think twice about this issue.  I've read and understand many of the reasons people dislike it when the actual marriage occurred prior to the reception. But it is still not a problem for me personally.  People have their reasons, some of which they may not share, and I respect their choice (and understand they are involving all guests in that choice, but this guest is okay with it).

     

    Honestly, I tend towards feeling that big weddings are no less of a Pretty Princess Day when the couple is married on the day....IMO, it's still a big party and people aren't entitled to one, it's a matter of choice and economics.  Yes, I'm having a party myself...and intend to be wed at the event...it's a party that FI and I, along with some of my family, are throwing to celebrate an important moment and to celebrate finding each other and getting married...it's still a party, it isn't required (a ceremony may have requirements, but rarely is a DJ and food one of them).

    To me, getting married is something to celebrate. That's why a big to-do doesn't bother me. Pretending to get married isn't something to celebrate.


    To be fair, I always think a couple should plan within their means. The whole, "I deserve MY DAY!" makes me roll my eyes. No one deserves or is entitled to a huge celebration.
    image
    NYCBruinKeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostkipnus
  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited August 2013


    clg1213 said:



    To be fair, I always think a couple should plan within their means. The whole, "I deserve MY DAY!" makes me roll my eyes. No one deserves or is entitled to a huge celebration.



    This. All of this. I go to weddings to see a couple get married. It's a big deal and something I want to celebrate with them. The big party part is fun (if that's what the couple is having), but it's not really the reason I'm there.

    Weddings aren't cheap to attend either.I don't care how awesome your party is, I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars to attend unless you're actually getting married.

    Finding out after the fact that you lied to me about the getting married part would be a relationship ending move. Not even because I spent money to attend your fake celebration but because you fraudulently played my emotions to convince me to attend.

    Edited because I can't get out of the quote box. Grrr.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    32daisies
  • I've never been invited to a PPD (that I know of) so perhaps my response to this would change if I ever were. To me, as some PPs have mentioned, the issue is one of honesty. If I knew, for example, that a dear friend had decided to have a quick, private ceremony because of the their parents was dying and they wanted him/her to be there for it - and then a year later they decided to have a vow renewal and party (white dress, cake, etc.), then I would be fine with it. The reason I would feel that way, is because I would know all the circumstances and they would not be billing it as a wedding but as a renewal. They would have just survived a year of married life during a very tough emotional time, and that, I think, can be celebrated. I would probably feel the same way if, for example, a couple got legally married because one had a major health issue that required getting on the other's insurance immediately. To me, life and death scenarios are a bit different - again, as long as the couple is honest with everyone that it isn't a wedding but a renewal.
    image
    GlassButtonAjulianamargaretskye
  • TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing. 
    Of course there are bigger things for people to worry about, but this is a wedding website so people are going to share their opinions.  I think this place is a great way to find out people's real opinions (the ones your friends and family might not say to your face to spare your feelings).  For my two cents:

    I have a really hard time imagining a situation where I would knowingly attend a PPD.  I can't see anyone I know having one, my friends and family just aren't that AWish.  If someone I know did have one and invite me, at the very least it would change the way that I thought about that person.  And I doubt I'd attend.

    If I attended a PPD unknowingly and later found out the couple was already married, it would probably end the relationship.  I couldn't stay friends with someone who had lied to me about such a big thing.  How could I still trust them?

    So if someone wants to have a PPD, they should do so knowing that some of the people they'd invite might feel the same way I do.  And then they can decide for themselves if that's a risk they're willing to take and if their PPD is more important than their relationships.  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledoreAjuliana
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I don't really care about PPD's. Lying to people isn't cool but, enh, thats on them not me. 

    I also feel like the narrative of they're just selfish and want gifts doesn't add up, since I never really think anyone comes financially ahead of a wedding based on gifts. Of course, maybe my family's just cheap :)
    image



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  • chibiyui said:
    I don't really care about PPD's. Lying to people isn't cool but, enh, thats on them not me. 

    I also feel like the narrative of they're just selfish and want gifts doesn't add up, since I never really think anyone comes financially ahead of a wedding based on gifts. Of course, maybe my family's just cheap :)
    I don't think people try to make money on PPDs.  I think that they are super attention whorish.  So yes they are selfish in the sense that they are asking people to take time away from their lives to celebrate them for an event that already happened.  

    If you're cool with people lying to you about their marital status (which by the way isn't a private thing since you declare it on a lot of public documents), ok.  A lot of people aren't.  There are plenty of people in the world who aren't liars or AWs.  I'd rather hang out with them.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    Ajuliana
  • I don't know anyone in real life (aside from the couple we know who actually had a PPD) that thinks this is okay on any level.  If it were a close friend of mine and not my SO's I would have told them it was inappropriate and ridiculous, and I would not have attended.

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  • People are all about the industry and the AW time. They're so brainwashed that they think their wedding wasn't "real" if they didn't dress up like Cinderella, have a shower (or two), etc. Even if the lying wasn't part of it, it's still bullshit. People just want to have their cake and eat it too. They want health benefits, military benefits, tax benefits, yet they can't live without the frou frou affair so that everyone gives them presents and they get a minute in the spotlight. It's really sad how common that mindset is... and even more sad that people try to defend it. 

    I still never understand when they celebrate their anniversary.. Is it the day they became husband and wife, or the day they played dress up? I know when I'd celebrate it, but I'd probably be disturbed at how many would choose the latter. 
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