Wedding Etiquette Forum

afraid PPDs more common than we even think

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Re: afraid PPDs more common than we even think

  • bnrandallbnrandall member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
    Before getting engaged myself and turning to the world of wedding talk, I had no idea PPDs were even a thing, nor did they bother me. I never really cared until I got engaged myself. FI and I won't be tying the knot until 2015 because I want to finish my degree before we get married (I just don't want to distract myself with wedding planning when I have worked so hard to achieve this) When people found out when our anticipated date is, I had friends and family suggesting that FI and I get married legally at the court (for benefit reasons), then have our "big wedding" later...I can't tell you how many times I heard "So and so did it, why don't you?" and "Don't worry I wouldn't tell anyone"

    It honestly pissed me off. I really don't care what anyone else is doing. When I stand at that alter and vow the rest of my days to the man of my dreams, I want that to be one, solitary memory. And I want to be able to say my family witnessed it. If we wanted to get married quick and easy, that'd be my choice to do so, but you better believe I'd feel like a slapped ass standing in a big white dress however many days/months/years later reenacting my marriage. Not to mention the guilt I'd feel when looking at a pile of cards/gifts from people who think I just included them in one of the happiest moments of my life.

    Rant end.

    ETA: Rant typing caused me to miss a word
  • My question about PPDs: 

    Who marries them?? I assume a "real wedding" is more often times than not a church wedding... who marries a couple that's already married? I can't see a priest doing this, or do they? 
    Anniversary
  • TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.


    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
  • TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.


    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
  • TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.
    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    Can either of you ladies tell me when people who do PPDs celebrate their anniversary? Is it on the day they became husband and wife or the day they played dress up and pretended like they were getting married? I'm genuinely curious - no one ever answers that question!
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • My question about PPDs: 

    Who marries them?? I assume a "real wedding" is more often times than not a church wedding... who marries a couple that's already married? I can't see a priest doing this, or do they? 
    I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that would be willing to "perform" for the fake ceremony for a few hundred bucks.  Everyone wants a piece of the "wedding" industry.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.
    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    Can either of you ladies tell me when people who do PPDs celebrate their anniversary? Is it on the day they became husband and wife or the day they played dress up and pretended like they were getting married? I'm genuinely curious - no one ever answers that question!
    Our favorite person JeniD said she was planning on celebrating both.  Which surprises no one.  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.
    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    Can either of you ladies tell me when people who do PPDs celebrate their anniversary? Is it on the day they became husband and wife or the day they played dress up and pretended like they were getting married? I'm genuinely curious - no one ever answers that question!
    Our favorite person JeniD said she was planning on celebrating both.  Which surprises no one.  
    I can't see H going for that...it will be hard enough getting him to celebrate our actual wedding anniversary (not because he wouldn't want to, he is just very very bad with dates)
    Anniversary
  • People are all about the industry and the AW time. They're so brainwashed that they think their wedding wasn't "real" if they didn't dress up like Cinderella, have a shower (or two), etc. Even if the lying wasn't part of it, it's still bullshit. People just want to have their cake and eat it too. They want health benefits, military benefits, tax benefits, yet they can't live without the frou frou affair so that everyone gives them presents and they get a minute in the spotlight. It's really sad how common that mindset is... and even more sad that people try to defend it. 

    I still never understand when they celebrate their anniversary.. Is it the day they became husband and wife, or the day they played dress up? I know when I'd celebrate it, but I'd probably be disturbed at how many would choose the latter. 
    I've read so many rants on here by PPD "brides" that have said they'll celebrate their anniversary on their "real" wedding day... the day of their PPD. Usually because they got married earlier than that to reap the benefits in the meantime, but the day of their PPD has sentimental meaning for them and that's why they originally planned their wedding for that day.


    On the flip side, I remember a specific bride that wanted a sentimental wedding date, something about it being her mother's or grandmother's wedding date... but it happened to fall on a weekday. They want a "real" wedding celebration, so they'll secretly get married on their sentimental date, but everyone else will think their real wedding date will be that Saturday.


    image
  • edited August 2013
    TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.
    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    Can either of you ladies tell me when people who do PPDs celebrate their anniversary? Is it on the day they became husband and wife or the day they played dress up and pretended like they were getting married? I'm genuinely curious - no one ever answers that question!

    Miming becomes all too real yet again ...
    I think that they would have to celebrate the dress-up day because that's when everyone else would think they got married. But the dark part of me does really hope they squirm a lot on the day they actually got married, knowing that they could never confess to their friends and family.
    ETA: missing letter
  • +misslisa+misslisa member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
     
    My question about PPDs: 

    Who marries them?? I assume a "real wedding" is more often times than not a church wedding... who marries a couple that's already married? I can't see a priest doing this, or do they? 
    I doubt a Catholic priest would and I know the church I am getting married at wouldn't deal with it either (I'm Lutheran).


    We're having a Catholic convalidation next month, and my digging around on various Catholic websites indicates that the opinion seems to be split on the attire. Our deacon is performing the same ceremony, since it's the sacramental marriage taking place. I'm sure each Diocese and Church handles the situation differently.

  • +misslisa said:
     
    My question about PPDs: 

    Who marries them?? I assume a "real wedding" is more often times than not a church wedding... who marries a couple that's already married? I can't see a priest doing this, or do they? 
    I doubt a Catholic priest would and I know the church I am getting married at wouldn't deal with it either (I'm Lutheran).


    We're having a Catholic convalidation next month, and my digging around on various Catholic websites indicates that the opinion seems to be split on the attire. Our deacon is performing the same ceremony, since it's the sacramental marriage taking place. I'm sure each Diocese and Church handles the situation differently.

    I definitely get that for a convalidation, but what about for people who want their guests to not know that they've already been married?
    That's being a shady pile of jackassery. Yeah, I can't imagine any representative of any faith thinking it's a good idea.
  • I think they use a family.member or friend for the ceremony of the PPD a lot of the times. That's what I'm doing.
  • I think they use a family.member or friend for the ceremony of the PPD a lot of the times. That's what I'm doing.
    But didn't you say you weren't legally married yet? The PPD refers to couples that are already legally married. I'm just curious about the church wedding PPDs and how that would work. 

    Obviously anybody can hire a JOP and have a fake or real ceremony. 
    Anniversary
  • NYCBruin said:
    TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.


    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    I guess good for you that you don't care if your friends and family treat you like crap and lie to you, but I have too much self-respect to stay friends with people who think this behavior is ok.

    Gee Golly, I better not  go anywhere without my man I wouldn't know how to behave in public, or even how a little woman like myself would be able to read a map to get to such an event.. What is this 1940? Newsflash, not all couples need to be attached at the hip, and we are both fully capable of attending social events and (GASP) have fun,  without the other.
  • NYCBruin said:
    TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.


    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    I guess good for you that you don't care if your friends and family treat you like crap and lie to you, but I have too much self-respect to stay friends with people who think this behavior is ok.

    Gee Golly, I better not  go anywhere without my man I wouldn't know how to behave in public, or even how a little woman like myself would be able to read a map to get to such an event.. What is this 1940? Newsflash, not all couples need to be attached at the hip, and we are both fully capable of attending social events and (GASP) have fun,  without the other.
    On a day dedicated to the love you and your FI have for each other, you'd leave out the SO's of your dearest friends - just because they don't have engagement rings yet? If I were one of your friends, I would definitely RSVP no because that would show a great disrespect for my relationship with my BF (4.75 years or so now).

    Threadjack over.


  • I think they use a family.member or friend for the ceremony of the PPD a lot of the times. That's what I'm doing.



    But didn't you say you weren't legally married yet? The PPD refers to couples that are already legally married. I'm just curious about the church wedding PPDs and how that would work. 

    Obviously anybody can hire a JOP and have a fake or real ceremony. 

    No I'm not legally married. But its against the law to have a marriage ceremony without a certificate. So I can't find an officiant to do it. They only do commitment ceremonies and never say the word marriage or present you and husband and wife. So I'm having someone I know do it.
  • NYCBruin said:
    TerriHugg said:
    I just don't care. It's the couple's business and I don't feel the need scrutinize it. There are much bigger things for me to worry about. So no I don't feel offended, slighted, etc. if a couple was married before. Everybody has their reasons, and I don't feel like it's my place to decide whether it was the right thing.


    PERFECT! I don't care when the couple gets married- Do I like them? Am I happy for them? Then hell yea I'll show up to celebrate with them (even if my FI isn't an invited too)
    I guess good for you that you don't care if your friends and family treat you like crap and lie to you, but I have too much self-respect to stay friends with people who think this behavior is ok.

    Gee Golly, I better not  go anywhere without my man I wouldn't know how to behave in public, or even how a little woman like myself would be able to read a map to get to such an event.. What is this 1940? Newsflash, not all couples need to be attached at the hip, and we are both fully capable of attending social events and (GASP) have fun,  without the other.
    Um no, you're missing the point.  We go places without each other all the time.  I'm going to a wedding in a few months without him because he has a work event.  He was still INVITED though.  If a couple slighted my relationship by not giving us the option to attend together, then why should I go celebrate their love?

    I get that you're trying to save money by not including SOs.  Just know that the money you're "saving" may cost you some friendships.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • A lot of posts are focusing on either the lying and pretty princess aspect, or on "other reasons".  I'm going to bring up family as a valid "other reason"--- I think we'd see more elopements or weddings with parents/siblings only if not for family pressure. 
    Heck, my family was ok with having a parents/siblings only event--- but all my close friends were like "But... I want to come to your wedding!" and there was no way fiance's family would "let" him get married without all the aunts/uncles/cousins there too.  So now we're roped into having an event of 80 people or so and fiance is still fighting with his mom on where to draw the invitation lines.  It baffles me how hurt people get when they're not invited to witness and celebrate your special day.

    If people were being more or less coerced into throwing a "real wedding" and had to plan and save for a long time, yet also wanted/needed legal benefits of marriage far earlier than the feasible celebration date.... then yeah, I could understand the PPD.  
    ________________________________


  • A lot of posts are focusing on either the lying and pretty princess aspect, or on "other reasons".  I'm going to bring up family as a valid "other reason"--- I think we'd see more elopements or weddings with parents/siblings only if not for family pressure. 
    Heck, my family was ok with having a parents/siblings only event--- but all my close friends were like "But... I want to come to your wedding!" and there was no way fiance's family would "let" him get married without all the aunts/uncles/cousins there too.  So now we're roped into having an event of 80 people or so and fiance is still fighting with his mom on where to draw the invitation lines.  It baffles me how hurt people get when they're not invited to witness and celebrate your special day.

    If people were being more or less coerced into throwing a "real wedding" and had to plan and save for a long time, yet also wanted/needed legal benefits of marriage far earlier than the feasible celebration date.... then yeah, I could understand the PPD.  
    That's a crappy reason. No one "lets" you get married (besides the government). Your family has no say whatsoever. If this is the situation then I say it's time to get your big girl panties on and tell them that's not what you want.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • GypsyWife_GypsyWife_ member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2013



    I think they use a family.member or friend for the ceremony of the PPD a lot of the times. That's what I'm doing.

    But didn't you say you weren't legally married yet? The PPD refers to couples that are already legally married.
    I

    I am having a PPD because I am NOT having a legally binding marriagei t is against the law to California to have a marriage ceremony without a marriage certificate. so I can't find an offciant who will do it. I can have a commitment ceremony but they are not allowed to say the words marriage at all. Or even the words bride and groom, or present you have husband and wife therefore I am using a volunteer to do on your ceremoney

  • On the flip side, I remember a specific bride that wanted a sentimental wedding date, something about it being her mother's or grandmother's wedding date... but it happened to fall on a weekday. They want a "real" wedding celebration, so they'll secretly get married on their sentimental date, but everyone else will think their real wedding date will be that Saturday.

    I am a bride that's doing a sentimental date (my mother and grandmother's wedding date) and it falls on a weekday. However, we are doing everything that actual day, including our wedding celebration (i.e. the reception for the people who will watch our real ceremony). Obviously, we've had a lot of declines since it's (A) on a weekday and (B) a destination wedding. We knew that going in. And that's an easy way to avoid lying to all friends and family-just...don't.

    PPDs don't bother me IF I know it's a PPD. The lying is what gets me. I'm really really big on honesty (as most people are) to the extent that if someone lies to me about something more than the "Your dress looks fine" (because there's nothing else for me to wear and that ship has sailed), I generally cut them out of my life. 

    If you're upfront about it, I'll probably think you are being silly, but I would attend (if it's local) and celebrate and have a good time with my friends/family. I'm not going to buy a gift though. 

    Thing is, I can't see a single one of my friends doing this, so I doubt I have to worry about it.
  •  

    The only reason you're having a wedding is so everyone can be in one place?  Seems like a silly reason to get married.  ???????? yes in one place to witness our marriage and to celebrate with us. But what a great excuse it is to have everyone you love in one place.  Our family is spread accross the country, just a party wouldn't suffice, this is why i can sympathise with someone celebrating after the fact.  I am interested to know, does the U.S government recognize common law marriage?

    We are having a wedding because we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  We are inviting lots of people because we want them to witness us join in matrimony.  It's important to us to share that moment where we go from being two individual people to being one unit joined under the law and in the eyes of God with our loved ones.  We are having a big party afterwards (the reception) to thank them for coming to our ceremony.

    You can certainly have a party to see all the people you care about in one place.  You can do that without wearing a white dress or getting fake married.  Weird, I know.

  • niki&rob said:

     

    The only reason you're having a wedding is so everyone can be in one place?  Seems like a silly reason to get married.  ???????? yes in one place to witness our marriage and to celebrate with us. But what a great excuse it is to have everyone you love in one place.  Our family is spread accross the country, just a party wouldn't suffice, this is why i can sympathise with someone celebrating after the fact.  I am interested to know, does the U.S government recognize common law marriage?

    We are having a wedding because we want to spend the rest of our lives together.  We are inviting lots of people because we want them to witness us join in matrimony.  It's important to us to share that moment where we go from being two individual people to being one unit joined under the law and in the eyes of God with our loved ones.  We are having a big party afterwards (the reception) to thank them for coming to our ceremony.

    You can certainly have a party to see all the people you care about in one place.  You can do that without wearing a white dress or getting fake married.  Weird, I know.

    I have family from all over the country, too.  There's a reason why people won't always travel for "just a party" but will come for a wedding.  It's because they want to witness the actual wedding.  That's why PPDs are emotionally manipulative.  You are tricking your family into traveling for a party by calling it a "wedding" despite no one getting married.

    I understand wanting to celebrate with everyone.  I really do.  I'm traveling to Chicago in a few weeks to go to a celebration.  The couple wanted to wed privately and did so.  Their extended family is throwing them a big party to celebrate.  It will be a ton of fun.  But the bride won't be in a wedding dress and there will be no exchange of "vows."  They will still get to celebrate with all their loved ones.

    Common law marriage is recognized in a handful of states (less than 10 I believe) and in most of them it's not something that is automatically bestowed upon a couple after a period of time.  You still have to go to court and at bare minimum fill out some paperwork (some states require more).
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • niki&rob said:

    I read this quote today. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know NOTHING about, be kind.... ALWAYS.

    People are all about the industry and the AW time. They're so brainwashed that they think their wedding wasn't "real" if they didn't dress up like Cinderella, have a shower (or two), etc. Even if the lying wasn't part of it, it's still bullshit. People just want to have their cake and eat it too. They want health benefits, military benefits, tax benefits, yet they can't live without the frou frou affair so that everyone gives them presents and they get a minute in the spotlight. It's really sad how common that mindset is... and even more sad that people try to defend it.


    I honestly think that the benefits you have mentioned are legit reasons to get married if two people love each other. A PPD is probably not about the spotlight or presents either , it's probably more about celebrating with loved ones.  The only reason why i am having a big wedding is to have all of the people we love in one place to celebrate with us.  so tell me, why did you have a wedding? 
    I got married two weeks ago and the reason for our wedding is because my H and I wanted to marry each other. The reason we had a wedding was to become husband and wife.

    I'm surprised that the only reason you're having a wedding "is to have all of the people (you) love in one place to celebrate". That's what a party is for. If you decide to get married without your family and friends present, then just throw a party. No one here has any issues with someone throwing a party. We love parties! The issue is when people pretend they're getting married when they're already married.


    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Just saYing if so many people on this forum are against frivolous big princess weddings why on Earth did you choose the knot forum to hang out on?. Its like the mecca for over the top trendy , pretty princess day weddings. Like the target audience of TK wants a big fat reception for all their friends and family.
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