How to handle family member wanting to bring their baby

KickAssMOH · August 2013

We have chosen to have no babies or children at our wedding. My cousin is a single mom with a 1 year old, and will be driving from out of town to attend my wedding. She's known for quite some time that we planned to have no children at our wedding, and all along, we offered to help her find childcare for that evening. She asked if she could bring her son to the wedding to avoid having to leave him with a stranger, and I said "i'm so sorry, but we decided to have a wedding with no children. We have close friends and other family members who also have babies and they are hiring sitters as well. We hope you understand." I found both a highly reccomended nanny who my friend uses and a 2nd option for her as well - a coworker/friend of mine who does nannying on the side. I understand, however, that some people do not feel comfortable leaving their children with sitters they've never met before. She thanked me for the reccomendations and said she hired the nanny and we were all set.

My cousin has now apparently changed her mind and gone over my head, through our parents, requesting again that she bring the baby to the wedding (she did this by having her father speak to my father about it). I feel that she did this in hopes that my father would side with her and force us to just let it go and have the baby to our wedding. She and I are both in our 30's - no need to have our parents resolve any issues...especially ones I thought were already resolved. What do I do from here? I have 3 bridesmaids and several close friends attending without their babies (people who I am much closer to than my cousin) and I would not want to upset anyone. I also do not want bad blood with my Cousin.

AprilH81 · August 2013

You have two choices.

1) Let her bring the baby.

2) Tell her no and understand that she may not come at all.

You did nothing wrong by planning a child free wedding (providing you didn't put "no children" or "adults only" on the invitations.

courtski2004 · August 2013

Did your dad give your uncle the impression that it would be okay? What was the result of that conversation?

harper0813 · August 2013

What did you dad say? Regardless, I would reach out to her and apologize for any confusion but you cannot invite everyone to wedding that you'd like to invite and you hope she can still come. And remind her what a great nanny you've heard so-and-so is.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I hope your father didn't say anything to make her think she can bring the baby.

In your shoes, I would stick with your initial plan to not let anyone bring their children. Her decision about what to do with her child is her responsibility.

She has a right to not leave her child with a stranger, but any parent that makes that decision should also know that she is making a decision to miss out on adult-only events.

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

I would (politely, of course) stick to your guns and tell her it won't be possible. That is super frustrating she involved your parents. If it was a very young infant I might say otherwise, but I think one year olds are above the "infant exception" line.

MayDay513 · August 2013

I'd be so pissed if someone tried to pull that on me. Keep it classy girl. Hope your dad said no, or at least to take it up with you. Stand your ground.

SomethingBeautiful08 · August 2013

This is a tough situation for both of you, but if you let her bring her kid, your friends will probably be mad for not letting them bring their kids. If you believe that your dad backed up your choice I would just let well enough alone. If you suspect that he didn't, I'd be tempted to get a hold of her and just let her know that you are excited to see her at the wedding and hope that her little one enjoys the sitter / nanny.

KickAssMOH · August 2013

Luckily Dad said "Let me call the bride and see what she decides". I am just not sure if it's a comfort thing or a money thing. I think my next step is going to be to find that out, and then offer a compromise - maybe we pay? Maybe the sitter can stay with the baby in the bridal suite to the side of the reception room?

And, we followed the rules when wording out invitations. We did not put "adults only", but we did list only adult names on the envelopes.

bunni727 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Luckily Dad said "Let me call the bride and see what she decides". I am just not sure if it's a comfort thing or a money thing. I think my next step is going to be to find that out, and then offer a compromise - maybe we pay? Maybe the sitter can stay with the baby in the bridal suite to the side of the reception room?
And, we followed the rules when wording out invitations. We did not put "adults only", but we did list only adult names on the envelopes.

You could offer her both options, and hope for the best. Let her know you'd love to see her there, but can't accommodate the baby.

manjermj · August 2013

AprilH81 said:

You have two choices.

1) Let her bring the baby.
2) Tell her no and understand that she may not come at all.

You did nothing wrong by planning a child free wedding (providing you didn't put "no children" or "adults only" on the invitations.

Agreed! We had a similar situation with my cousin and his wife - he totally understood, but his wife wouldn't let it go. I stuck to my guns and in turn my cousin came and his wife stayed home with the baby. It happens, but if you make exceptions for some people, other people will get upset.

Jen4948 · August 2013

If you don't want her to bring the baby, be very firm: "Cousin, when I told you that the baby is not invited and cannot be accommodated, that was my final answer. If you aren't able to come without the baby, I'm sorry, and we'll miss you; however, expecting my father or anyone else to intercede is not going to change that. Please consider the subject closed."

Any bad blood that results from this is due to your cousin's lack of respect for your boundaries-not due to anything you did or didn't do or say.

getoverwhatever · August 2013

Well there is a third option to present to you cousin. It ALL depends on what, where, and the type of venue you have.

Rather then bring the baby to the nanny, is it possible to bring the nanny to the baby? Maybe your cousin will be more comfortable with the baby on site, in another area/room at the venue where she can check on him/her?

IF that is at all possible and I hope it is.

You go to your cousin, and before you tell her the option and Start with, "I HAVE a solution" and I'm so excited, because NOT only do YOU!! get to be there, BUT, I was probably in the WORSET predicament I have EVER been in, in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (very quickly go into explaining) I was freaking out...My FI BOSS (or some very important family member) called my FI just the other day to say; "That their sitter had CANCELED, and was there ANYWAY way possible they could bring their kids. I KNOW My FI felt so bad, he told them NO they couldn't. So you could Imagine why I was FREAKING out so bad! I mean seriously, what a way to start a marriage. I tell My FI, to tell his family NO. THEN, MY cousin shows up with a BABY !! YEAH I WAS FREAKING OUT!! BUT at least we have enough time to call them, and let know the nanny I coming here.

If she says "NO I STILL don't want to leave him/her' Well then at least you get to see how much your cousins care about you. After hearing what you just told her, she should turn around and walk out. IF she has the NERVE to ask again, I would have her THROWN OUT!!!!

KickAssMOH · August 2013

Hahaha i like that story! Thanks for the suggestion

So, all along the plan has been for the nanny to come to our hotel/venue. They would be in the same small building as us, just a few floors up.

krizzo17 · August 2013

Are there any older teenage cousins who aren't coming? At this point, she might be more comfortable leaving the baby with a relative - and it will likely cost her less than hiring a sitter too, since I usually babysit my cousins for free or just the cost of gas to get to their house.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

getoverwhatever said:

Well there is a third option to present to you cousin. It ALL depends on what, where, and the type of venue you have.
Rather then bring the baby to the nanny, is it possible to bring the nanny to the baby? Maybe your cousin will be more comfortable with the baby on site, in another area/room at the venue where she can check on him/her?
IF that is at all possible and I hope it is.
You go to your cousin, and before you tell her the option and Start with, "I HAVE a solution" and I'm so excited, because NOT only do YOU!! get to be there, BUT, I was probably in the WORSET predicament I have EVER been in, in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (very quickly go into explaining) I was freaking out...My FI BOSS (or some very important family member) called my FI just the other day to say; "That their sitter had CANCELED, and was there ANYWAY way possible they could bring their kids. I KNOW My FI felt so bad, he told them NO they couldn't. So you could Imagine why I was FREAKING out so bad! I mean seriously, what a way to start a marriage. I tell My FI, to tell his family NO. THEN, MY cousin shows up with a BABY !! YEAH I WAS FREAKING OUT!! BUT at least we have enough time to call them, and let know the nanny I coming here.
If she says "NO I STILL don't want to leave him/her' Well then at least you get to see how much your cousins care about you. After hearing what you just told her, she should turn around and walk out. IF she has the NERVE to ask again, I would have her THROWN OUT!!!!

Is this for real? Are you advising that the OP lies to her cousin and fabricates some bogus story? And further advising the OP to use this lie to test how much her cousin cares about her? And then advising the OP to kick her cousin out based on her reaction to the lie?

Generally, lying isn't considered good etiquette...

APDSS22 · August 2013

Major props to your dad for making it clear you decide who is (and isn't) invited to your wedding! Continue to be polite, but firm. Don't go making up lies that you could get caught up in later.

harper0813 · August 2013

getoverwhatever said:
Well there is a third option to present to you cousin. It ALL depends on what, where, and the type of venue you have.
Rather then bring the baby to the nanny, is it possible to bring the nanny to the baby? Maybe your cousin will be more comfortable with the baby on site, in another area/room at the venue where she can check on him/her?
IF that is at all possible and I hope it is.
You go to your cousin, and before you tell her the option and Start with, "I HAVE a solution" and I'm so excited, because NOT only do YOU!! get to be there, BUT, I was probably in the WORSET predicament I have EVER been in, in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (very quickly go into explaining) I was freaking out...My FI BOSS (or some very important family member) called my FI just the other day to say; "That their sitter had CANCELED, and was there ANYWAY way possible they could bring their kids. I KNOW My FI felt so bad, he told them NO they couldn't. So you could Imagine why I was FREAKING out so bad! I mean seriously, what a way to start a marriage. I tell My FI, to tell his family NO. THEN, MY cousin shows up with a BABY !! YEAH I WAS FREAKING OUT!! BUT at least we have enough time to call them, and let know the nanny I coming here.
If she says "NO I STILL don't want to leave him/her' Well then at least you get to see how much your cousins care about you. After hearing what you just told her, she should turn around and walk out. IF she has the NERVE to ask again, I would have her THROWN OUT!!!!

What is this even?

arrippa · August 2013

getoverwhatever said:

Well there is a third option to present to you cousin. It ALL depends on what, where, and the type of venue you have.

Rather then bring the baby to the nanny, is it possible to bring the nanny to the baby? Maybe your cousin will be more comfortable with the baby on site, in another area/room at the venue where she can check on him/her?

IF that is at all possible and I hope it is.

You go to your cousin, and before you tell her the option and Start with, "I HAVE a solution" and I'm so excited, because NOT only do YOU!! get to be there, BUT, I was probably in the WORSET predicament I have EVER been in, in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! (very quickly go into explaining) I was freaking out...My FI BOSS (or some very important family member) called my FI just the other day to say; "That their sitter had CANCELED, and was there ANYWAY way possible they could bring their kids. I KNOW My FI felt so bad, he told them NO they couldn't. So you could Imagine why I was FREAKING out so bad! I mean seriously, what a way to start a marriage. I tell My FI, to tell his family NO. THEN, MY cousin shows up with a BABY !! YEAH I WAS FREAKING OUT!! BUT at least we have enough time to call them, and let know the nanny I coming here.

If she says "NO I STILL don't want to leave him/her' Well then at least you get to see how much your cousins care about you. After hearing what you just told her, she should turn around and walk out. IF she has the NERVE to ask again, I would have her THROWN OUT!!!!

What's up with the random capitalization?

[Deleted User] · August 2013

So just to make sure I'm reading your previous reply correctly (Can't quote for some reason)...the nanny and baby will be onsite just a few floors above your wedding so that your cousin can go check on him (her?) at any time- and she STILL wants to bring the baby to the wedding? She's acting childish- you've done everything you can so I would just let her know, final answer is no she cannot bring the baby and let her deal with it...

KickAssMOH · August 2013

Yes, that is the situation exactly. I am trying to be sensitive of her feelings as I am not a mother myself and not sure how I would feel in her shoes, but at the same time I think the end result of standing my ground at this point would be that she will not be emotionally present at my wedding (meaning, she will either be upset b/c her child is not there, or she'll be running back and forth checking on him the entire time). My friends with babies have suggested I cave and let her bring him and that I would not even notice he was there, but at this point I'm just annoyed out of principle....and I'm probably REALLY overanalyzing this situation.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

I think if you want a no child wedding, then have a no child wedding. It is your wedding and you have communicated this to her mutliple times, it is not a surprise- she is the one being rude trying to force your hand so I would say stick to your guns.

Jen4948 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Yes, that is the situation exactly. I am trying to be sensitive of her feelings as I am not a mother myself and not sure how I would feel in her shoes, but at the same time I think the end result of standing my ground at this point would be that she will not be emotionally present at my wedding (meaning, she will either be upset b/c her child is not there, or she'll be running back and forth checking on him the entire time). My friends with babies have suggested I cave and let her bring him and that I would not even notice he was there, but at this point I'm just annoyed out of principle....and I'm probably REALLY overanalyzing this situation.

Even if you don't notice he's there (and you will just by seeing him), someone else who was told not to bring their kids may-and they'll be justifiably upset that the policy wasn't enforced across the board.

And I find the "you won't even notice he's there" argument to be BS. If the kid is not invited, he's not invited-whether or not he sleeps the whole time or yells and screams throughout, which babies from newborns to 2 year olds have been known to do. It doesn't excuse the rudeness in demanding to bring someone who is not invited.

KickAssMOH · September 2013

Revisiting this issue - I am now 1 week out from my wedding date and just today my cousin contacted the two sitters I reccommended (I gave her their contact info over 2 months ago). One of them is "overpriced" in her opinion, and the other is no longer available. She refuses to leave her child with a stranger, so unless I know the person (or lie to her?) then she will not hire them. So, I really have no one left who I can reccommend.

I believe my cousin's plan is to now bring her child into my wedding because she "has no other choice."

UGH WEDDINGS!

photokitty · September 2013

I'd tell her "sorry, we'll miss you." I wouldn't cave in. She sounds like she is trying to manipulate you. I'd be temped to pay for the "overpriced" sitter or ask how much is acceptable and pay the difference. Sorry, that sucks!

OjitosVerdes · September 2013

photokitty said:

I'd tell her "sorry, we'll miss you." I wouldn't cave in. She sounds like she is trying to manipulate you. I'd be temped to pay for the "overpriced" sitter or ask how much is acceptable and pay the difference. Sorry, that sucks!

This. I feel like it's coming down to a battles of wills at this point and I would understand if you just wanted to drop it and let her bring the kid. But because I have no tolerance for that kind of manipulation, I'd probably do the bolded.

KickAssMOH · September 2013

she expected $15 per hour, and i found someone who is charging $18. The difference for 5 hours is $15 total. It's laughable. i know i just need to suck it up and pay the difference. I'm just being vent-y. Wah.

photokitty · September 2013

KickAssMOH said:

she expected $15 per hour, and i found someone who is charging $18. The difference for 5 hours is $15 total. It's laughable. i know i just need to suck it up and pay the difference. I'm just being vent-y. Wah.

Totally worth $15 - heck I'd pay $15 just to WIN. Think of the $15 worth of pleasure you'll get out of it being done and perhaps even an evil laugh for your victory!! GL! And happy wedding week!

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Tell her to hire the $18/hr babysitter, hand her a $20 bill and tell her to give the sitter a $5 tip. If she doesn't want to do that... "Sorry cous' we'll miss you!

Jen4948 · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Tell her to hire the $18/hr babysitter, hand her a $20 bill and tell her to give the sitter a $5 tip. If she doesn't want to do that... "Sorry cous' we'll miss you!

This.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

I disagree with the others.

I would not shell out a dime for her childcare. Are you paying for the childcare of the other guests who DIDN'T try to manipulate you? No.

So why does she get financial help?

I call bullshit.

I'd call her up and tell her, in no uncertain terms, "The wedding is adults only. I am not making an exception for you because that will offend all of the other guests who had to find childcare. If you cannot find childcare that you are comfortable with, we will miss having you at our wedding. If you arrive at our wedding with the baby, you will be escorted out, Junior in tow."

What a manipulative gem

How to handle family member wanting to bring their baby

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