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Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
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Does a marrige have to be legal?
My boyfriend and I have been discussing getting married. We would like to have a church wedding. We want to be married in the eyes of god, not the government. We don't want to take on each others debt/credit, we don't need any tax breaks, there is no work benefits to share. Is there a way to have a wedding without having a marriage license? My parents aren't to happy with us just living together, and I don't want to wait seven years to have a common law husband. Any Ideas?
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Re: Does a marrige have to be legal?
Also, not all jurisdictions still have CL, so I would check on that.
I ditto PPs; there are many benefits to marriage you don't seem to be taking into account. It reads to me like you're trying to appease your parent and/or you partner doesn't want a legal marriage ('I don't want to wait seven years for a common-law husband.')
I know some branches of Protestants will do religious 'blessings' of non-legal marriages, but it's usually for older couples who don't want to lose a deceased spouse's pension.
It sounds like you want the party without the commitment, and that's doing things wrong way round.
You'll have to check with your pastor or priest. Most will not perform the ceremony if you aren't being married in a legal fashion. It's a waste of their time and most reputable officiants won't want to (and cannot) perform a phony ceremony.
How old are you, and why do you care if your parents are upset if you're living together? Aren't you an adult?
So if your bf is in a terrible accident, you dont want to be able to see him and make decisions on his behalf? There are alot more benefits to getting married than a tax break.
I would check about common law, we dont have it in Illinois.
I wish you the best of luck on your wedding.
The debt/credit thing really makes no difference. I have terrible credit and my H has spotless credit. I'm working to improve mine, so right now all things are being put into H's name since he gets the better interest rate. Even when we go to buy a new house next year, the mortgage will be in his name and the deed will be in both our names.
And as PP said, there are much more important government benefits than tax breaks. Also, your parent's pressure to marry, just because you two are living together should not be a deciding factor in anything.
When you're married, the 1,000-something benefits are optional.
When you aren't married, the government blocks you from having any options.
I'm not saying you should get married, though. I'm just helping you be more informed.
How come you're okay with a common law marriage in the future, but not a legal marriage now?
It's possible to be married just in the eyes of the Lord, but not many religion leaders will take part in it.
@boston2823 what's the difference between common law marriage and legally getting married?
As for the OP, would your parents know this wasn't a "real" wedding (ie: not a legal wedding)? Because putting on a pretend wedding just to make them think you're really married is a terrible idea. But hopefully that's not the case. I know you can be legally married without religion being involved, but I don't see how you can have a religious "marriage" without being legally married as well. Not in the US at least.
What is the big deal over the benefits? How could they hurt anything in the situation you've described?
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
I don't get it. So you want to be common law without the 7 year wait? Why not just sign the piece of paper??
Frankly, if you live in a common law state and you do the big hoopla, you may well be legally married, like it or not, depending on your state's finer nuances in the law, and should anything go south down the road your BF could decide to exercise his rights as a married man and there would be nothing you could do about it. I've handled cases where it's happened. They're ugly.
Either get legally married or don't but the half way thing... yeah, I just wouldn't go there.
That is a religious question. You should ask your church/religious leader what constitutes "married in the eyes of god" in your particular religion.
Other that that, you are not married, if you dont get legally married, as far as the government is concerned.
You can have a commitment ceremony, but depending on your faith, they may or may not allow you to do that in your church. If you would go that route, just make sure you are inviting everyone to a commitment ceremony and not a wedding. To me it wouldn't seem right to tell everyone it's a wedding when it's a commitment ceremony, which is like a big lie to everyone & then lying in a church really seems wrong to me.
I totally get the reasons you don't want to legally be married but think of this as a spouse you
-Get a say in emergency medical treatment
-Aren't restricted to visitation or access to medical information as just the girlfriend/boyfriend
-You get no say in anything in the event of death (unless you get wills drawn up then it won't matter)
All of this. And even if you have powers of attorney, wills, living wills, etc drawn up to try to get some of the protections that marriage would give you, your families could still challenge these. There's a chance a court would disregard such documents. Even if you eventually won and the legal document was upheld, you'd be wasting a lot of time and money.
To the bolded: When I read that I totally saw Michael Scott yelling out "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!" on The Office. I feel like if he was to declare himself in a common law marriage, he would have done it the exact same way!
Also, FYI: just because you are married doesn't mean you are taking on the other persons debt. I have more debt than my fiance but I do not expect him to take any of it. I accrued the debt prior to us getting engaged so I am taking responsibility for it. I know other people have different views on that so it really just depends on how you want to handle it. But just so its clear to you, just because you are married does not mean you have to share debt. That is a conversation that you will need to have with one another.
I do not understand that point of having a church "wedding" but not making it legal. To make your marriage legal you need a marriage license.
It depends on where you live, and I urge you to research your state's common law marriage statutes before making any decisions. For instance, here in Texas, common law marriage only takes 6 months of living together OR simply referring to each other as husband and wife in public - like say, at a Church ceremony.
And whether or not there is a license on file, community property laws are attached to common law marriages, in the states where they apply. So basically, what I'm saying is, sorry - but there's no "marriage lite." 
Of course, you can have a commitment ceremony anywhere, with any Officiant who will perform them, but generally, a church doesn't do that sort of thing. They are usually reserved for legal unions and require premarital counseling within the church. But talk to them and see what they say. They might help you figure out what it is that you and your boyfriend really want to accomplish, and the best way to achieve it.
Goo luck!