S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Victimless etiquette "crimes":
- printed labels
- special drinks for the bride and groom (as long as it's not super obvious they're getting special treatment)
- tuxes before 6pm
- "half after" versus "half past" versus "4:30" - as long as I know when to be there... whatever

Wait, which is the proper etiquette for the last one??

half after is correct.

ashleyep · August 2013

NYCMercedes said:

We also paid for purses to carry (optional), hair done, and a small personalized thing. They also didn't pay for a shower, nor for her share of the bachelorette. I guess it's not victimless, but I felt she was generous, as I feel they were extremely generous to her.

I'm probably doing all, or most of, the same. We got clutches at the same friend's wedding that didn't match the dress, but I've actually used it since.

I'm planning to pay for hair and makeup and will get them a gift as well, but I don't think gifts should be considered mandatory.

banana468 · August 2013

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation.

Tuxes before evening don't bother me either.

We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.

svc2014 · August 2013

banana468 said:

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation. Tuxes before evening don't bother me either. We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.

I agree with the bolded part! With printers now-a-days you can print the reception info on the back of the main invite. I've gotten many invites like that and I actually like it better because I have less info cards to lose!

Maggie0829 · August 2013

banana468 said:

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation. Tuxes before evening don't bother me either. We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.

You are supposed to have a separate reception card? What? Well add that to the list of things I did "wrong". I just included that info on the invite. At the bottom I put "Reception immediately following" because everything was at the same place.

I also hate invites that have about 500 different enclosure cards. With the internet I do not need lists of nearby hotels or directions/map or area attractions/restaurants all listed out. It is called google and mapquest.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

SP29 said:

Same as above- the only reason we are getting a small cake to cut is for the tradition of cutting the cake. I suppose we could cut a cupcake, but thought it would look a bit silly with a big cutting knife and little cupcake .

@Gisellerina- I *think* the purpose of the unwrapped gifts is so they can be displayed on the table for the other guests to see so the bride does not have to spend the time opening the gifts in front of everyone.

I've never been invited to such a shower, but I don't think I would care either way, if the bride really wanted it that way, I'll save the $2 from the gift bag and ribbon (though some registries will gift wrap free of charge anyway...)

You would be surprised how many times over on the Food board that people will say having a small cake on display and to use for a cake cutting is seen as rude since you aren't serving it to all of your guests. You would also be surprised how many people hate cupcakes...the craziness!

phira · August 2013

I know that some people don't like the whole cupcake trend, and I respect that ... but seriously, you're a guest, tonight we have cupcakes, ENJOY AND SHUSH.

I also think that all the info cards are reeeeeally overkill. Have a wedding website and put the majority of information on there. Last invitation I got had about 5 additional pieces of paper (the bride is not a fan of such formal invites, but her parents, who are paying for the whole wedding, are very traditional).

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

Maggie0829 said:

SP29 said:

Same as above- the only reason we are getting a small cake to cut is for the tradition of cutting the cake. I suppose we could cut a cupcake, but thought it would look a bit silly with a big cutting knife and little cupcake .

@Gisellerina- I *think* the purpose of the unwrapped gifts is so they can be displayed on the table for the other guests to see so the bride does not have to spend the time opening the gifts in front of everyone.

I've never been invited to such a shower, but I don't think I would care either way, if the bride really wanted it that way, I'll save the $2 from the gift bag and ribbon (though some registries will gift wrap free of charge anyway...)

You would be surprised how many times over on the Food board that people will say having a small cake on display and to use for a cake cutting is seen as rude since you aren't serving it to all of your guests. You would also be surprised how many people hate cupcakes...the craziness!

Yes! I never really got that either. To each their own I guess, but if its the same cake inside I seriously don't get that one. I actually prefer cupcakes; if our package hadn't included a cake it would have been cupcakes for everyone.

FutureMrsN3312 · August 2013

Victimless Crimes:
-I have no problem with clear labels on STDs or shower invites.
-I rather the B&G pay for my hair/makeup as a "gift" rather than something that will collect dust.
-I rather have an edible favor. (We're actually considering doing one...how many picture frames, candle holders, measuring spoons does one person need?)
-In my early 20's and single days I didn't mind being on the same invitation as my parents.

What Grinds my Gears:
-My FI still receiving invites from family/close friends that say "and Guest". I have a name please use it.
-Giant invitations. To the point where it takes up a lot of room on the fridge or doesn't fit at all.
-"Black Tie Requested" for a Sunday wedding.

That's all I can think of for now...

banana468 · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation.

Tuxes before evening don't bother me either.

We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.

To the bolded: I definitely get this but I really wouldn't find it offensive until I was done with college. Flame me all you want for this, but I have a hard time seeing an 18-22 year old college student who is 100% supported by their parents as an independent adult who needs their own invitation. Particularly guys who couldn't give a flying frick about invitations.

You assume a college student is fully supported by his parents. You know what assumptions ate right? ;-)

banana468 · August 2013

Ate = are

phira · August 2013

Ugh I HATE "and guest" when the guest is a significant other. From experience, it makes me feel like I'm unwanted, or like my SO is unwanted.

I also don't care when people donate to charity instead of giving favors. I think favors are pointless for the most part (if it's not edible, I don't even want it), and since I'm getting a free meal and having a blast at a party, I'm fine with not receiving one. So when I find out that instead of paying for a bunch of useless favors, the happy couple has donated to charity, I'm satisfied.

kefryar · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation. Tuxes before evening don't bother me either. We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.
To the bolded: I definitely get this but I really wouldn't find it offensive until I was done with college. Flame me all you want for this, but I have a hard time seeing an 18-22 year old college student who is 100% supported by their parents as an independent adult who needs their own invitation. Particularly guys who couldn't give a flying frick about invitations.

I'm sending family invites to friends of my FIs family. The kids are in college and honestly I have no idea where they will be in a year, so it seems easier to send a family invite. Also, I have personally met the parents but not the children. We are, however, sending their son in California his own invite, as he is a close friend/in the wedding and living on his own.

I think this is the best course of action, as the other kids live at home when school isn't in session.

banana468 · August 2013

I'm on the fence on the donations instead of favors thing. There are a few charities I really don't want to support so if you donated to PETA or Susan G Komen, I'd whisper my opinions to DH over my wine.

ashleyep · August 2013

kefryar said:

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

Some of these I don't see as victimless. I'd be pissed to be old enough to drink but still be on my parents' invitation. Tuxes before evening don't bother me either. We also didn't use a reception card. All the information was on the invitation. I fail to see how that is offensive.
To the bolded: I definitely get this but I really wouldn't find it offensive until I was done with college. Flame me all you want for this, but I have a hard time seeing an 18-22 year old college student who is 100% supported by their parents as an independent adult who needs their own invitation. Particularly guys who couldn't give a flying frick about invitations.

I'm sending family invites to friends of my FIs family. The kids are in college and honestly I have no idea where they will be in a year, so it seems easier to send a family invite. Also, I have personally met the parents but not the children. We are, however, sending their son in California his own invite, as he is a close friend/in the wedding and living on his own.

I think this is the best course of action, as the other kids live at home when school isn't in session.

I just texted my cousin for his address and his response was "you can send it to my parents." I told him no, way that I was sending him one, but I agree that there's a lot of people who just won't care.

itzMS · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

ashleyep said:

NYCMercedes said:

My daughter gave her BM's beautiful jewelry to wear to her wedding.

My friend got us all a necklace that had a pearl on it and our initial. At first I was like "well I'm never going to wear this again" - but I actually wear it a lot now. I don't have a lot of casual necklaces.

She did get us other stuff, but even if she didn't, I don't see the big deal. I don't like the bridal party should have an expectation of a gift, just like a bride and groom shouldn't expect gifts. A nice thank you card should suffice. Paying for hair and makeup and calling it a gift is dumb, but not because it's not a "good enough" gift.

I agree with the bolded, but I would actually PREFER the bride/groom to help pay for hair/makeup/shoes/dresses/hotel rather than get me any sort of gift. Weddings are freakin' expensive to be in and to attend.

I'm on the anti-bridesmaids gift train. I'd always prefer the bride pay for my dress and hair/makeup over a gift...even though it's technically "against etiquette" to not get your bridesmaids a personal gift.

I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses (an actual quality brand they could resell or consign), as well as their hair and makeup. Because I wanted to, not because I wanted it matchy-matchy. It ended up being like $300 per BM...if they were upset that they didn't get an additional personal gift...tough cookies.

phira · August 2013

banana468 said:

I'm on the fence on the donations instead of favors thing. There are a few charities I really don't want to support so if you donated to PETA or Susan G Komen, I'd whisper my opinions to DH over my wine.

Ugh, yes. I'm thinking of my brother's wedding, where the donation was for Millions for Marriage; by coincidence, the wedding was the day after marriage equality passed in New York. I'm not the biggest fan of HRC for a lot of reasons, but for a lot of straight folks, it's THE LGBT organization.

I am trying to convince my partner to not do favors because I dislike them so much, and to donate to the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center, which is an organization both of us supported before we even started dating.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

csuave said:
The new fluffy towels we got at our shower.....we are using them.

What does this have to do with the post?

Maggie0829 · August 2013

I am with everyone on the rather have the bride pay for my dress or hair/makeup then get me a BM gift train. I spent over $200 on a BM dress that I will never wear again and will either toss or give to Goodwill and an additional $125 on hair/makeup. I would have much rather had the bride buy the dress or pay for the hair/MU then spend money on the random bracelet, small coach clutch, and bottle of body spray that I got for a gift.

ashleyep · August 2013

GypsyWife_ said:

The new fluffy towels we got at our shower.....we are using them.
What does this have to do with the post?

It's poor etiquette to use your shower gifts before the wedding.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@gypsywife_, it's a faux pas to use shower gifts before the wedding. The thought is that you should return the gifts if the wedding is cancelled.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I had no idea.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

PrettyGirl's List of Outrageous Wedding Etiquette Outrage that PrettyGirl Doesn't Give Any BLEEPs About:

- Address Labels- Calligraphers are outrageously overpriced and there are a million free calligraphy and script fonts available to use.
-Registry inserts in the invitations- No, I don't want to Google your name or call you and ask for this info.
-Tuxes Before 6pm- Men look good in tuxes, no matter what time of day.
-Champagne Toast for Bride and Groom/Wedding Party Only- Whoopee, it's one drink!

phira · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirl's List of Outrageous Wedding Etiquette Outrage that PrettyGirl Doesn't Give Any BLEEPs About:

- Address Labels- Calligraphers are outrageously overpriced and there are a million free calligraphy and script fonts available to use.
-Registry inserts in the invitations- No, I don't want to Google your name or call you and ask for this info.
-Tuxes Before 6pm- Men look good in tuxes, no matter what time of day.
-Champagne Toast for Bride and Groom/Wedding Party Only- Whoopee, it's one drink!

Hells. Yeah.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

phira said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirl's List of Outrageous Wedding Etiquette Outrage that PrettyGirl Doesn't Give Any BLEEPs About:

- Address Labels- Calligraphers are outrageously overpriced and there are a million free calligraphy and script fonts available to use.
-Registry inserts in the invitations- No, I don't want to Google your name or call you and ask for this info.
-Tuxes Before 6pm- Men look good in tuxes, no matter what time of day.
-Champagne Toast for Bride and Groom/Wedding Party Only- Whoopee, it's one drink!

Hells. Yeah.

http://www.elementsofstyleblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/jackdonaghy-tux.jpg

ashleyep · August 2013

itzMS said:

alisonmarie658 said:

ashleyep said:

NYCMercedes said:

My daughter gave her BM's beautiful jewelry to wear to her wedding.

My friend got us all a necklace that had a pearl on it and our initial. At first I was like "well I'm never going to wear this again" - but I actually wear it a lot now. I don't have a lot of casual necklaces.

She did get us other stuff, but even if she didn't, I don't see the big deal. I don't like the bridal party should have an expectation of a gift, just like a bride and groom shouldn't expect gifts. A nice thank you card should suffice. Paying for hair and makeup and calling it a gift is dumb, but not because it's not a "good enough" gift.

I agree with the bolded, but I would actually PREFER the bride/groom to help pay for hair/makeup/shoes/dresses/hotel rather than get me any sort of gift. Weddings are freakin' expensive to be in and to attend.

I'm on the anti-bridesmaids gift train. I'd always prefer the bride pay for my dress and hair/makeup over a gift...even though it's technically "against etiquette" to not get your bridesmaids a personal gift.
I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses (an actual quality brand they could resell or consign), as well as their hair and makeup. Because I wanted to, not because I wanted it matchy-matchy. It ended up being like $300 per BM...if they were upset that they didn't get an additional personal gift...tough cookies.

Is it really etiquette that you have to get your BMs a gift? Aren't gifts never required or expected with etiquette?

banana468 · August 2013

You're supposed to give them but you also shouldn't expect them.

harper0813 · August 2013

I love threads that ask this question!

We are committing a crime but are doing it to keep my mom from freaking out.

We're doing a wine pour with dinner as our venue requires the bar to be closed for the 45 minutes that servers are milling about. My mom is allergic to red and white wine, but not champagne. We are providing her with a glass of champagne. Our bar package does have champagne, so if someone really wants a glass before or after dinner, they can have some. We are not doing a champagne toast.

We are also providing cupcakes to guests with allergies - but they will be different flavors from the regular cake. That's what the cakemaker could offer. The rest of our guests are getting two options, so if someone complains about allergic guests receiving chocolate cupcakes when they have two flavors to choose from, they're silly, IMHO.

As for other faux pas that don't bother me:
- I would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding - but perhaps that's because every wedding I've been to up until I was 22 was cash. I would never complain about either, and I would never dream of hosting a cash bar.
- A wedding guest that wears white
- Tuxes worn during the day

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

We had Woodchuck hard cider available to our guests at the bar. But I prefer Angry Orchard hard cider. So I had some Angry Orchard just for myself. I drank it out of a glass, so no one saw me drinking from a bottle, but if I had been questioned I would have shared some of my 6 pack since I didn't need all of it for myself.

phira · August 2013

zobird said:

I love threads that ask this question! We are committing a crime but are doing it to keep my mom from freaking out. We're doing a wine pour with dinner as our venue requires the bar to be closed for the 45 minutes that servers are milling about. My mom is allergic to red and white wine, but not champagne. We are providing her with a glass of champagne. Our bar package does have champagne, so if someone really wants a glass before or after dinner, they can have some. We are not doing a champagne toast. We are also providing cupcakes to guests with allergies - but they will be different flavors from the regular cake. That's what the cakemaker could offer. The rest of our guests are getting two options, so if someone complains about allergic guests receiving chocolate cupcakes when they have two flavors to choose from, they're silly, IMHO. As for other faux pas that don't bother me: - I would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding - but perhaps that's because every wedding I've been to up until I was 22 was cash. I would never complain about either, and I would never dream of hosting a cash bar. - A wedding guest that wears white - Tuxes worn during the day

Count me in for not caring about cash bars, and about wedding guests wearing white.

I wouldn't host a cash bar because I feel awkward asking people to pay for booze, but I would not give any brides or grooms any crap for having one. Although a caveat--I would be upset about it if beer were free but wine was not, or something weird like that.

Most wedding guests know better than to wear white, but sometimes it happens. Sometimes it's intentionally rude, which is irritating. But I've never been to a wedding where I HAVEN'T been able to tell who's the bride.

I am not planning on wearing white, so there's a very real chance that other guests will wear the same exact color dress as me by accident. I'm not going to ask anyone to NOT wear navy.

S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

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