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Donation bar worse than cash bar or no bar???

tdredtdred member
Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Ok, so I started looking into the idea of setting up a donation jar at the bar to help cover costs and was really surprized to see just how harshly people react to the idea of asking for donations as opposed to having a cash bar or no bar at all. I mean, I understand that its impolite to ask the guests to help pay for the wedding itself, they are guests. But still, as a guest, would you really prefer having no option of drinking alcohol or being forced to pay for any alcohol that you want rather than being given the option of having free alcohol? I guess I just would have expected that the idea of a donation jar would have been more acceptable than a cash bar because you are not forcing your guests to pay for the party, if they don't want to, for whatever reason, they don't have to, but you can still provide them with alcohol and keep it within the budget. Am I really the only person who thinks this way? Just curious. :)
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Re: Donation bar worse than cash bar or no bar???

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    TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Just my opinion, but as a guest I would rather just have a cash bar and be done w/ it. It's a party, I would like a drink, and I really don't mind paying for it if you have a limited budget. I reallly, really don't care, I'm there to celebrate you.
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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    I would honestly rather be able to have alcohol even if I had to pay for it, but I wouldn't be happy about  it. I think that a donation jar would confuse me though. I would probably think it was for tips for the bartender or something. I've never heard of a donation jar for the bar.
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    Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    I would also be confused and think it was a tip jar. Did you price out just offering a couple of beer and wine options? I think when people object to this, their point is that it would be preferable to cut out something else (flowers? DJ?) if offering alcohol is important to you. I'm also from a circle where partial cash is common, but I won't advocate it on the E board. Official etiquette says hosted alcohol or none at all.
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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2013

    Is there anything else you can cut in order to just pay for the bar?

    Less expensive flowers? Less/no decor? No Favors? Mini-moon verus a fancy honeymoon?

    Or maybe pick up a weekend job until the wedding?

     

    I don't carry cash...so finding a cash bar of any sort at a wedding would be disappointing.

    ETA: A donation jar would make me feel guilty that I didn't have anything to contribute.

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    MayDay513MayDay513 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2013
    tdred said:
    Ok, so I started looking into the idea of setting up a donation jar at the bar to help cover costs and was really surprized to see just how harshly people react to the idea of asking for donations as opposed to having a cash bar or no bar at all. I mean, I understand that its impolite to ask the guests to help pay for the wedding itself, they are guests. But still, as a guest, would you really prefer having no option of drinking alcohol or being forced to pay for any alcohol that you want rather than being given the option of having free alcohol? I guess I just would have expected that the idea of a donation jar would have been more acceptable than a cash bar because you are not forcing your guests to pay for the party, if they don't want to, for whatever reason, they don't have to, but you can still provide them with alcohol and keep it within the budget. Am I really the only person who thinks this way? Just curious. :)
    I say provide what you can. If you can't then skip it. As a guest I do not expect alcohol at weddings, if it is there I will grab a drink or two, if not I'll get over it. I don't like guests opening their pockets at weddings. Think of it this way that you are hosting your guests as a thank you. Host them the best you can. No one can complain there.

    Edit to add: Also I would feel like a big asshole, if I ordered a what would be $9+ martini and put $4 in the jar. Take the math out of it. Don't let your guests pay for your party.
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    I would be confused and think it was a tip jar for the bartenders. As a matter of fact, the first thing I thought of when you said "donation bar" was some sort of a bar where you were required to make a charitable donation to drink, which I would say is definitely worse than a cash bar.
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    ElcaBElcaB member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Dislike. IMHO, it's worse than a cash bar because it would guilt guests into leaving a donation. Besides, donations are for charities.   

    Tell me this: When you have a friend over for dinner and want to buy steak but it stretches your budget, do you ask your buddy to donate upon sitting down to enjoy it? Probably not. 

    Also, do you know what immediately popped into my head while reading your post? This: 
    image

    image
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    TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Definitely skip donation jar. Another idea - if you have family who will likely give gifts, you could ask them to cover the bar. Obv this woudl have to be done tactfully, and maybe yoru parents could suggest that, but my brother and I are doing that for my cousin's wedding. She doesn't have a lot of money, and I know she really wants to host an open bar. So we're going to cover it for her. Maybe there are friends or relatives who will do this? Just an idea.
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Dislike. IMHO, it's worse than a cash bar because it would guilt guests into leaving a donation. Besides, donations are for charities.   

    Tell me this: When you have a friend over for dinner and want to buy steak but it stretches your budget, do you ask your buddy to donate upon sitting down to enjoy it? Probably not. 

    Also, do you know what immediately popped into my head while reading your post? This: 
    image


    Can't get out of the box.  LMFAO.  And ditto.

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    tdredtdred member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    To be honest, this question isn't so much about what I will or won't do, but more so about people's responses to the idea. Its just really weird to me that guests would prefer to attend a wedding without any alcohol than one where they had to pay for the alcohol that was there, and prefer to have to pay for the alcohol that is there than have the option of having free alcohol. But like I said, this could just be me. 

    As for my own wedding and the idea of cutting down other costs, don't worry, we are. Everything is being cut down, to the point that we're not even having a honeymoon. And of everything being cut down the three non-negotiobles which will not be cut no matter what are food, alcohol, and music, and you know why? Because I care about making sure my guests enjoy themselves and have a good time. So before anyone starts labeling me as a douchebag who is just out for money and doesn't care about her guests maybe you should take another look at the world around you and realize that the plain fact is that there are plenty of people who just can't afford a fancy or expensive wedding, or even one that follows all of the rules of "etiquette". As it is, we are probably going to take the full expense of alcohol ourselves anyway, even though it will leave us with some credit card debt for the very reason that we care about ensuring our guests actually enjoy themselves. So maybe you should think twice next time before labelling someone as a douche who doesn't care about their guests. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    TheBaysideBride said:
    Definitely skip donation jar. Another idea - if you have family who will likely give gifts, you could ask them to cover the bar. Obv this woudl have to be done tactfully, and maybe yoru parents could suggest that, but my brother and I are doing that for my cousin's wedding. She doesn't have a lot of money, and I know she really wants to host an open bar. So we're going to cover it for her. Maybe there are friends or relatives who will do this? Just an idea.
    Please don't do this. There's no "tactful" way to ask people to fund your wedding. You shouldn't ask people to fund any part of your wedding - your flowers, your dress, your food, your bar... anything. No, no, no. If someone OFFERS (i.e. you don't ask, drop hints or anything of the sort), you can decide whether or not to accept. Money comes with strings.

    Donations are for charity. Your wedding is not a charity. I don't carry money to weddings unless it's in the card I'm giving as a gift. I would have to take money out of it to pay for my own drinks if you had a cash bar. What a shame.
    *********************************************************************************

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    SKPMSKPM member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    tdred said:
    To be honest, this question isn't so much about what I will or won't do, but more so about people's responses to the idea. Its just really weird to me that guests would prefer to attend a wedding without any alcohol than one where they had to pay for the alcohol that was there, and prefer to have to pay for the alcohol that is there than have the option of having free alcohol. But like I said, this could just be me. 

    As for my own wedding and the idea of cutting down other costs, don't worry, we are. Everything is being cut down, to the point that we're not even having a honeymoon. And of everything being cut down the three non-negotiobles which will not be cut no matter what are food, alcohol, and music, and you know why? Because I care about making sure my guests enjoy themselves and have a good time. So before anyone starts labeling me as a douchebag who is just out for money and doesn't care about her guests maybe you should take another look at the world around you and realize that the plain fact is that there are plenty of people who just can't afford a fancy or expensive wedding, or even one that follows all of the rules of "etiquette". As it is, we are probably going to take the full expense of alcohol ourselves anyway, even though it will leave us with some credit card debt for the very reason that we care about ensuring our guests actually enjoy themselves. So maybe you should think twice next time before labelling someone as a douche who doesn't care about their guests. 
    ... Exactly zero people called you a douche. Where did that come from?

    And second, your follow up states that the question is not about what you will or won't do, but your original post says the following, which is probably what led some posters to believe you were considering the idea:
    tdred said:
    Ok, so I started looking into the idea of setting up a donation jar at the bar to help cover costs and was really surprized to see just how harshly people react to the idea of asking for donations as opposed to having a cash bar or no bar at all. I mean, I understand that its impolite to ask the guests to help pay for the wedding itself, they are guests. But still, as a guest, would you really prefer having no option of drinking alcohol or being forced to pay for any alcohol that you want rather than being given the option of having free alcohol? I guess I just would have expected that the idea of a donation jar would have been more acceptable than a cash bar because you are not forcing your guests to pay for the party, if they don't want to, for whatever reason, they don't have to, but you can still provide them with alcohol and keep it within the budget. Am I really the only person who thinks this way? Just curious. :)


    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    tdred said:
    To be honest, this question isn't so much about what I will or won't do, but more so about people's responses to the idea. Its just really weird to me that guests would prefer to attend a wedding without any alcohol than one where they had to pay for the alcohol that was there, and prefer to have to pay for the alcohol that is there than have the option of having free alcohol. But like I said, this could just be me. 

    As for my own wedding and the idea of cutting down other costs, don't worry, we are. Everything is being cut down, to the point that we're not even having a honeymoon. And of everything being cut down the three non-negotiobles which will not be cut no matter what are food, alcohol, and music, and you know why? Because I care about making sure my guests enjoy themselves and have a good time. So before anyone starts labeling me as a douchebag who is just out for money and doesn't care about her guests maybe you should take another look at the world around you and realize that the plain fact is that there are plenty of people who just can't afford a fancy or expensive wedding, or even one that follows all of the rules of "etiquette". As it is, we are probably going to take the full expense of alcohol ourselves anyway, even though it will leave us with some credit card debt for the very reason that we care about ensuring our guests actually enjoy themselves. So maybe you should think twice next time before labelling someone as a douche who doesn't care about their guests. 
    No one here called you a douchebag. That image is from the show The New Girl and is unrelated. Calm down.

    If your top three priorities are food, alcohol, and music, then those are things you should provide. You should not be asking guests to provide them.
    If you can't afford them, don't have them. You don't need a big fancy wedding. No one here said ya did. On THIS forum we don't judge people who don't have a lot of money and most of the brides on here paid for their own wedding.
    We would never encourage going into debt for a wedding, either. Why don't you just have a limited bar?

    If you can't afford the alcohol, don't put the cost onto your guests by making them pay for it.

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    Pepper6Pepper6 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I'm one of the rare people on here that don't mind cash bars, but probably because that's the majority of weddings in my circle.  However, I'd think it was weird to have a 'donation' jar.  I guess when I pay for a drink to the bartender, I feel like I'm paying the company that provides that service, but if I were asked to put money into a donation jar, I'd feel like I'm paying you, which would be a little off-putting.  I know it's essentially the same thing, but just having a cash bar is at least more straight forward.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ElcaB said:
    tdred said:
    To be honest, this question isn't so much about what I will or won't do, but more so about people's responses to the idea. Its just really weird to me that guests would prefer to attend a wedding without any alcohol than one where they had to pay for the alcohol that was there, and prefer to have to pay for the alcohol that is there than have the option of having free alcohol. But like I said, this could just be me. 

    As for my own wedding and the idea of cutting down other costs, don't worry, we are. Everything is being cut down, to the point that we're not even having a honeymoon. And of everything being cut down the three non-negotiobles which will not be cut no matter what are food, alcohol, and music, and you know why? Because I care about making sure my guests enjoy themselves and have a good time. So before anyone starts labeling me as a douchebag who is just out for money and doesn't care about her guests maybe you should take another look at the world around you and realize that the plain fact is that there are plenty of people who just can't afford a fancy or expensive wedding, or even one that follows all of the rules of "etiquette". As it is, we are probably going to take the full expense of alcohol ourselves anyway, even though it will leave us with some credit card debt for the very reason that we care about ensuring our guests actually enjoy themselves. So maybe you should think twice next time before labelling someone as a douche who doesn't care about their guests. 

    I strongly disagree with the bolded. A) I didn't call you a douchebag. I'm just telling you that the douchebag jar popped into my head while I read your post. 2) I'm a person who can't afford an expensive wedding. I'm not working with copious amounts of money, either, so I understand that there are budget limitations. And D) EVERYONE can afford to a wedding that follows proper etiquette. You do realize that a wedding and reception are not the same, right? The wedding is the marriage. You know, when you sign the paperwork. You don't have to have guests, other than a witness or two to abide with the law. You don't have to have a reception to have a wedding. You don't have to be rich to be polite to your guests. 

    *Extra points to any Knottie who notices the Home Alone reference in my post!
    I found it! I found it! 

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    ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Pepper6 said:
    I'm one of the rare people on here that don't mind cash bars, but probably because that's the majority of weddings in my circle.  However, I'd think it was weird to have a 'donation' jar.  I guess when I pay for a drink to the bartender, I feel like I'm paying the company that provides that service, but if I were asked to put money into a donation jar, I'd feel like I'm paying you, which would be a little off-putting.  I know it's essentially the same thing, but just having a cash bar is at least more straight forward.
    I feel the same. A cash bar doesn't bother me - you've basically just removed yourself from the alcohol portion and it's up to me if I want it. Fine. But offering a donation jar just seems weirdly cheap. Like it's guilting your guests who are taking advantage of your hospitality. "Hey I'm offering an open bar, but want you to help pay for it" seems worse than "I don't have anything to do with the alcohol, but you can get it from the venue if you want."
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    tdredtdred member
    Name Dropper First Comment
    I'm sorry if I came across as being harsh. As for the comment about being a douche, ok, I take that back, but it is true that some of the posters on here are definitely coming across as though if anyone even thinks of looking into options that involve the guests helping out in any way they must necessarily be someone who is just a cheapskate who doesn't care about their guests. Now, maybe thats not what you guys mean to imply, but thats how your posts come across. And that just struck a nerve with me, especially because the one thing I care about for the reception is that the guests enjoy themselves and have a good time.

    As for the point about etiquette, the only point of etiquette I was thinking about was the fact that the guests don't help out at all, which section of etiquette forbids even cash bars. I'm not in any way shape or form advocating being rude to ones guests. 

    And like I said, the point of this thread isn't to ask for advice about what I am doing for my wedding, it was because I was curious about other people's responses, because they are so very different from my own opinion (as a guest) about this matter. I'm sorry that I mentioned my own search at all because that seems to have confused the issue. I guess it wasn't really relevant, I was just explaining what led me to even think about this question from the point of view of a guest in the first place. But, honestly, I see that other people don't view it the same way that I do, but I really don't understand why and it really surprises me. I'd much rather the option of buying alcohol be available than that no alcohol be available whatsoever, and having the option of chipping in for the alcohol as opposed to being forced to pay for it seems like it would be another option to make sure that everyone can have something to drink, even those that either can't afford it, didn't bring money, or just don't feel like chipping in for whatever other reason. The one thing that does make sense is the fact that some people will probably end up feeling bad if they don't/can't pitch in or end up feeling pressured to put in more money than they would have if they were just buying their own drinks, and thats definitely something that I wouldn't appreciate as a guest. I guess its just that I personally wouldn't feel pressured that way, but I can see that others would. So maybe that explains it. 
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    How would I react, as a guest?  I would probably have an equally negative reaction to both a cash bar and a donation bar.  Both require me to purchase something that should properly be hosted for me.  I would much rather attend a dry wedding than a cash or donation bar.  It's just more polite and proper. Offering a limited selection of drinks is appropriate and would probably be a good compromise for you. Just offer things that you feel would appeal to the greatest number of your guests.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    alisonmarie658 said:
    @hisgirlfriday13 -- not to sound stalkerish, but FI's cousin got married in the same town you are getting married in last year and they definitely did the partially hosted bar with open beer/wine and cash mixed drinks. 
    LOL -- that cracks me up! We're doing hosted beer and wine (and soda, water, iced tea, and coffee, obvs). The reception is in a country club and there's a full open bar downstairs. Can I stop guests from going and buying a mixed drink? No. But I'm doing the best I can with the budget and the space we have available. 

    But there will be no sign about a cash bar, no "tips" or "donations" jars, so I'm feeling pretty good, etiquette-wise.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    GypsyWife_GypsyWife_ member
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    I would give a dollar in the donation jar.
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    Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would put a handful of pennies in the donation jar.



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