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My Maid of Honor is 19, in college, and doesn't want to be "overly involved"? HELP!

GinaD63GinaD63 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
May I rant?

My Maid of Honor is my little sister. It's a family tradition that a sister becomes the maid of honor, and I've always felt this was right since I was a kid, plus it makes it easier to not choose between best friends. She says she doesn't want to be "overly involved" and the vibe I'm getting from her is she has a lot on her plate, and also that she doesn't want to be involved at all. And she lives in a different part of the country right now.

She also gave me this whole "you need to know that weddings are stressful" speech via text right after I asked for her help. (I was thinking, yeah, I know that already!). It was really rude. I've been polite and after I asked for her involvement and got the rude response, told her she can be as involved or uninvolved as she wants to be, because I was understanding of the circumstance. But I'm starting to think she is too young and not a reliable person to be my MOH now or even later. 

For me, it's about fulfilling fairness. I've had my other bridesmaids step up to the plate and show pure excitement. One of my best friends is really good at event organization (the logistics). And I really would rather her be my maid of honor. She's been by my side since the day I got engaged. Plus she's met my husband-to-be, and they get along great. My sister has never met him (due to travel issues).

My fiancé is making his best friend Best Man, and he has a younger brother too. But they don't have the same custom in their family. 

Has anyone ever had a sister-MOH dilemma? Or can anyone please offer some advice?
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Re: My Maid of Honor is 19, in college, and doesn't want to be "overly involved"? HELP!

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    GinaD63GinaD63 member
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    edited October 2013
     
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    GinaD63GinaD63 member
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    That's just what I needed to hear. Thank you for drawing from your experience.
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    GinaD63GinaD63 member
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    Lobster1987 said:

    Being a MOH has nothing to do with "stepping up to the plate". You need to change your expectations because they do not need to plan parties or be involved other than showing up on your wedding day ready for pictures in the dress they bought for it.

     

    Replacing her as a MOH is a bitchy move, especially since MOH don't have to do anything. If she wants to help out with things, she can...but you can't expect anyone to help with anything.

     

    Parties are a gift, not a right. You aren't entitled to one. If anyone wants to throw you a shower, they will. It does not have to be a BM or MOH. Family members can do this too, if they WANT to. Asking them to or expecting them to is gift-grabby and rude.

     

    I like your first point, so thank you. But that's really not what I was getting at later on, especially with parties and feel entitled. Maybe my first post came across the wrong way. I don't have expectations. I just have amazing friends who I can count on, who want to be there for me more than my sister has. I haven't asked them to do this. But it's nice that they are, and it feel crummy that my own sister doesn't feel that way. After all, she is family. But I can't make her change her mind. And yes, it would be unfair to take her maid of honor title (which she doesnt care about) away.
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    GinaD63GinaD63 member
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    Oh, thanks TheKnot.com!

    http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-tips-for-planning-from-afar.aspx
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    GinaD63GinaD63 member
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    I'm sorry no one is excited about your wedding. That must really suck. But hell, as long as you and your fiancé are excited, that's all that matters. Plus if you're having guests show up, they must be excited too! 
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    melbelleupmelbelleup member
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    edited October 2013
    May I rant?

    My Maid of Honor is my little sister. It's a family tradition that a sister becomes the maid of honor, and I've always felt this was right since I was a kid, plus it makes it easier to not choose between best friends. She says she doesn't want to be "overly involved" and the vibe I'm getting from her is she has a lot on her plate, and also that she doesn't want to be involved at all. And she lives in a different part of the country right now.

    She also gave me this whole "you need to know that weddings are stressful" speech via text right after I asked for her help. (I was thinking, yeah, I know that already!). It was really rude. I've been polite and after I asked for her involvement and got the rude response, told her she can be as involved or uninvolved as she wants to be, because I was understanding of the circumstance. But I'm starting to think she is too young and not a reliable person to be my MOH now or even later. 

    For me, it's about fulfilling fairness. I've had my other bridesmaids step up to the plate and show pure excitement. One of my best friends is really good at event organization (the logistics). And I really would rather her be my maid of honor. She's been by my side since the day I got engaged. Plus she's met my husband-to-be, and they get along great. My sister has never met him (due to travel issues).

    My fiancé is making his best friend Best Man, and he has a younger brother too. But they don't have the same custom in their family. 

    Has anyone ever had a sister-MOH dilemma? Or can anyone please offer some advice?


    You don't really have a dilemma. You're making it bigger than it should be. My MOH is my sister in-law, which she's my only one (until 3 weeks after my wedding), but I didn't pick her because she's my sister, partly, but mainly because she's been in my life since I was in 8th grade. That being said, your sister is correct, weddings are stressful to people. BUT the only thing she is liable to pay for is her dress, within her budget that she sets. There is no other jobs for MOHs. They don't have to help you plan, pick your dress, do DIY projects, plan your showers/bachelorette parties, nothing. Their job is to stand next to you at your wedding and smile in the dress you both agreed upon. That's it. Please do not replace your sister as MOH or you will be opening up a lot of uneccassary drama since you already asked her. Your BM is certainly welcome to help you more than your MOH. Heck, my one has. Even my friend not in my WP has helped more than my MOH.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    As a 19 year old in college, of course she has priorities over your wedding.  When I was her age, all I was interested in was saving my money so that I could travel internationally on my spring break and in the summer. 

    As long as your sister buys the dress and shows up on time and ready to smile, she has fulfilled her "job" as MOH.  If your other friends are around and willing to help, then accept their help.

    Remember, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.  Stop bugging your sister, just let her focus on college!
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Unless you want to destroy your relationship with your sister, you really can't remove her as your MOH. I think you need to lower your expectations on what you think her input should be and be thankful you have other friends that are willing to help/be involved. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Sounds like your sister is being responsible, which is awesome. If you're worried about the other bridesmaids doing more and being offended she's the maud of honor and they aren't- don't. They don't have to do anything extra either, they probably understand perfectly well why you chose your sister, and are happy to be involved.
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    ei34ei34 member
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    I'd keep my sister as my MOH, even if she can't do as much as you'd hoped.  I think it's a touch weird on her part to announce that she didn't want to be "overly involved"...if I couldn't be as hands-on with one of my sisters' weddings I don't think I'd take that approach, and instead I'd be apologetic.

    That being said, it's great that you have other friends who are enthusiastic and eager to help out.  You'd be surprised, though, how much a bride does herself or with her fiancé.  I was a hands-on bride...my sisters (the co-MOHs) organized my shower with our mom, but that was it.  I handled everything else, and it was nothing. 

    You said it though, weddings can be stressful.  Try and remember that the end goal is the happiest day in your life, and lean on those in your life who want to be there for you.  Best of luck with everything! :)

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    Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    I promise you, none of your BMs will be bummed that they are more excited about wedding stuff than your sister, but don't get to be MOH while she does. The only thing the MOH might do differently than the other BMs is hold your bouquet. Otherwise, it is all the same. The distinction is a minor one and not one to fret about. Just leave things as they are, and if people want to help you with wedding planning or host parties for you, they will volunteer. When they do, they will be doing it as a nice thing for their friend and not as a way to win the MOH badge.
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Not everyone gets excited about weddings. Some women hate planning weddings and just don't get into it like we do. I don't have anyone who's excited about mine either. It sucks but there isn't much I can do about it.

    STUCK IN THE BOX!

    I'll be excited for you!!!!!!!

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    ashleyepashleyep member
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    edited October 2013
    My cousin got married last weekend. Her sister, a 21 year old college student who goes to school across the country, was the Maid of Honor. Her best friend was a bridesmaid and did the bulk of the work for the shower, the bachelorette party, and running around the day of the wedding making sure the bride had what she needed (included getting her flats during the reception!). 

    I asked my aunt, the mother of the bride, the next day why the bride didn't have a Maid and Matron of Honor to honor her friend. She said that the BM has been friends with the bride for a very long time and understands that the bride wanted to honor her sister with that title. Your sister will be with you for life, she said, and your friend may or may not be. Plus it's tradition in a lot of Catholic families to have your MOH and Best Man be the God parents of your first child. 

    You're honoring your sister by giving her the title of Maid of Honor. But that doesn't mean she has to be your party planner and do all of that work for you. If you have another bridesmaid who wants to "step up to the plate" so to speak, then let them - but that doesn't mean they have to be "Maid of Honor". I planned my friend's bachelorette party since the Maid of Honor lived across the country and I was local. That doesn't mean I thought I deserved the title - nor did I want to give a speech at the wedding, ha! Accept their offers for help, and send them a heartfelt thank you card after the wedding thanking them for all of their help.
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    mommapizanomommapizano member
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    My sister is my MOH and she is older than me. She has not had a lot of involvement because she works full time, has a 10 year old son and doesn't live close by. But I am honestly happy to have her stand by me because that's what I want on my wedding day and she has been beyond supportive. And that's all I expect from her and my bridesmaids. 

    If I were you, I would keep my sister as the MOH and be happy to accept your friends help. Nobody is obliged to help you beyond showing up the day of with the attire you choose for them. If a friend is offering help, that is great and totally above and beyond.
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    Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    edited October 2013
    Agree with PPs and only 1 thing to add: I understand needing support, involvement, and excitement about your wedding. That's what your fiance is for.

    ETA: Congratulations on your wedding!



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    sarahmarie409sarahmarie409 member
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    my little sister is my maid of honor, she is only 17 and in high school. I understand that she is busy and hasn't been able to come to vendor meetings, tastings, blah blah blah... if someone has a MOH that does those things and does it because THEY want to and are not being asked/forced to then that would be amazing obviously, unfortunately for most of us that is not the case. My sister did however come dress shopping with me and has been researching stuff for bach parties and has been super excited about those 2 aspects and has made time for them. Your MOH and BM's will contribute how and when they want to if at all and you just have to except that.
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    ceceibsonceceibson member
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    My 14 year old daughter was my maid of honor.  I can't get the kid to clean her room, let alone help with anything else And, BTW, I would have never asked. Even though she's my daughter, I am fully in the "MOH's only duties are to show up dressed, sober and on time" camp.

    MOH picked her own dress.  I wanted short, she wanted long.  She won.  She's 14 [prime pick your battles age].

    I had no pre-wedding parties.  

    The only thing my MOH was interested in was the cake tasting. She loves cake.  She picked all the cakes, fillings, frosting and decoration and did a darn fine job.  People are still talking about that cake.

    Our children and grandchildren were thrilled we were getting married. They had a great time at the wedding.  But that doesn't mean they wanted to -- nor were they expected to -- participate in the planning.  Not their job.  DH's and my job.
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    OjitosVerdesOjitosVerdes member
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    Gina - it sounds like you get it so I'll just share my experience in the hopes it makes you feel a little better. My sister/MOH has been in Uganda & Ghana for the three months leading up to my wedding. Zero involvement whatsoever - in fact, she barely even got her dress on time, but I understand that her life is crazy right now. Definitely adjust your expectations, and be thankful for your friends who are so excited and wiling to help. 
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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    The last wedding I was a BM in, the MOH was the bride's sister and they were not that close (due to large difference in age, etc.).  She was not that involved in planning things.  I stepped up and planned the bachelorette party, and did not mind even though I didn't have the MOH title.  I think people understand that family members are often given that position, even though friends of the bride may be more involved in planning events.
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    GinaD63 said:
    May I rant?

    My Maid of Honor is my little sister. It's a family tradition that a sister becomes the maid of honor, and I've always felt this was right since I was a kid, plus it makes it easier to not choose between best friends.  Pick whoever you are closest to, not based on some silly "tradition".  She says she doesn't want to be "overly involved" and the vibe I'm getting from her is she has a lot on her plate, and also that she doesn't want to be involved at all. And she lives in a different part of the country right now.  Is it possible she is low on cash and trying to tell you that she won't be able to/can't afford to do many "extras" as a MOH?  Not that she isn't interested.

    She also gave me this whole "you need to know that weddings are stressful" speech via text right after I asked for her help. (I was thinking, yeah, I know that already!). It was really rude. I've been polite and after I asked for her involvement and got the rude response, told her she can be as involved or uninvolved as she wants to be, because I was understanding of the circumstance. But I'm starting to think she is too young and not a reliable person to be my MOH now or even later.  

    For me, it's about fulfilling fairness. I've had my other bridesmaids step up to the plate and show pure excitement. Step up to the plate?  All that is required is for her to buy a dress and show up at your wedding.  She is not required to fan over you every day of your engagement or help you with planning.  One of my best friends is really good at event organization (the logistics). And I really would rather her be my maid of honor.  Because you are closer to her, or because you want to use her for her planning/organization skills?  She's been by my side since the day I got engaged. Plus she's met my husband-to-be, and they get along great. My sister has never met him (due to travel issues).

    My fiancé is making his best friend Best Man, and he has a younger brother too. But they don't have the same custom in their family. 

    Has anyone ever had a sister-MOH dilemma? Or can anyone please offer some advice?

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    MrsLillyGMrsLillyG member
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    I would be sad too if my MOH wasn't excited and not offering to help.  I would not demote her.  If you want, you can promote your BM so that you have 2 MOHs.
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    Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    MrsLillyG said:
    I would be sad too if my MOH wasn't excited and not offering to help.  I would not demote her.  If you want, you can promote your BM so that you have 2 MOHs.
    Why? Does she get a raise with her promotion?



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    WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
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    My MOH lives across the country from me and was in the middle of her masters on the other side of the country from her home during my wedding planning.  My jobs duties for her included picking out a dress she wanted to wear and showing up at the wedding on time and relatively sober.  She had told me that whenever I got married, I had to give her time to get to wherever I was getting married, cos I wasn't allowed to do it without her.  She was happy and excited for me, but she also had other more important things going on in her life (school, work, etc.)

    Your sister will be excited for you, but maybe not until your wedding.  She's got other different things that are more important to her at this point.  It sounds like you're not sure about carrying on the family tradition of having your sister as MOH.  If you've already asked her though, you need to keep her as MOH.  Find a friend who is more interested to go over detail with if you need that, or lean on your FI.  It's his wedding too.  Since my MOH lives out of town, I asked another friend if she wanted to come dress shopping with me (not a BM either), since I know she loves that kind of stuff.  She was happy to tag along.  Do you have anyone like that??

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    MrsLillyGMrsLillyG member
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    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    MrsLillyG said:
    I would be sad too if my MOH wasn't excited and not offering to help.  I would not demote her.  If you want, you can promote your BM so that you have 2 MOHs.
    Why? Does she get a raise with her promotion?
    No, I guess you don't like the word promote because its usually linked with a job.  I'm not good with words, but I do think being MOH is a bigger honor than just being a BM.  So no she would not get a larger financial compensation which is what you get at a place of employment but for being a MOH over a BM she would be honored more....
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    Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    MrsLillyG said:

     

    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    MrsLillyG said:
    I would be sad too if my MOH wasn't excited and not offering to help.  I would not demote her.  If you want, you can promote your BM so that you have 2 MOHs.
    Why? Does she get a raise with her promotion?
    No, I guess you don't like the word promote because its usually linked with a job.  I'm not good with words, but I do think being MOH is a bigger honor than just being a BM.  So no she would not get a larger financial compensation which is what you get at a place of employment but for being a MOH over a BM she would be honored more....
    I agree completely. It is more of an honor, but does not have any additional requirements.



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    MrsLillyGMrsLillyG member
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    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    MrsLillyG said:

     

    Dreamergirl8812 said:
    MrsLillyG said:
    I would be sad too if my MOH wasn't excited and not offering to help.  I would not demote her.  If you want, you can promote your BM so that you have 2 MOHs.
    Why? Does she get a raise with her promotion?
    No, I guess you don't like the word promote because its usually linked with a job.  I'm not good with words, but I do think being MOH is a bigger honor than just being a BM.  So no she would not get a larger financial compensation which is what you get at a place of employment but for being a MOH over a BM she would be honored more....
    I agree completely. It is more of an honor, but does not have any additional requirements.
    I never wrote anything about the MOH having additional requirements.  The OP didn't want her sister to be her MOH anymore and she wanted her friend to be the MOH.  I told her to make them both MOHs.
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    phiraphira member
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    @MrsLillyG I think the point that @Dreamergirl8812 is trying to make is:

    If the point of being maid/matron of honor is that it is an honor, then there is no reason to "promote" someone else to be a co-maid/matron of honor. If the point of being maid/matron of honor is to have responsibilities and go dress shopping and organize pre-wedding parties, and show X amount of interest in the wedding, then it's not an honor anymore--it's a job.

    What we're suggesting to the OP is that she shouldn't take away the honor from her sister and give it to someone else because it should be an honor. Not a job.
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