Gift Expectations...

PolarBearFitz · October 2013

Stop having them. Guests are not required to give gifts. Stop judging anyone who didn't get you anything or what you really wanted from your registry. The end.

itzMS · October 2013

I agree.

I think it's fine to be a little teensy bit disappointed, though.

DH & I were both raised that weddings are no question gift giving events. So we were a bit naive to the fact that so many people attend without even so much as a card (including people we're very close to like DH's brother).

All you can do is brush it off and move on, though.

climbingwife · October 2013

Word.

PolarBearFitz · October 2013

itzMS said:

I agree. I think it's fine to be a little teensy bit disappointed, though. DH & I were both raised that wedding are no question gift giving events. So we were a bit naive to the fact that so many people attend without even so much as a card (including people we're very close to like DH's brother). All you can do is brush it off and move on, though.

Same, I always bring a gift but I'm just annoyed at people complaining about 'I didn't get blah blah' or 'they didn't even bring anything.' Somewhat of a minimalist rant.

Edited: Not sorry.

natswild · October 2013

I have to admit, it's pretty sad if you can't afford a couple bucks for a card, though

PolarBearFitz · October 2013

True.

Jen4948 · October 2013

aefitz29 said:

Stop having them. Guests are not required to give gifts. Stop judging anyone who didn't get you anything or what you really wanted from your registry. The end.

Times 1,000,000,000,000

grumbledore · October 2013

natswild said:

I have to admit, it's pretty sad if you can't afford a couple bucks for a card, though

I agree with you and I think it's shitty when people don't at least give an empty card. But we've all seen the outlandish expectations of some posters on TK. They need a reality check big time.

emmyg65 · October 2013

itzMS said:

I agree. I think it's fine to be a little teensy bit disappointed, though. DH & I were both raised that weddings are no question gift giving events. So we were a bit naive to the fact that so many people attend without even so much as a card (including people we're very close to like DH's brother). All you can do is brush it off and move on, though.

This. My husband's brother didn't give a gift or a card and we were both a little hurt. But we didn't complain to anyone, or ask how we might inquire about the whereabouts of our gift, or even dwell on it for long.

mommapizano · October 2013

I definitely don't have expectations. But I agree with several posters that a nice card would be great. It is pretty crazy that people get so angry at people who do give gifts, especially when people get them a gift off their registry.

aurorajanette · October 2013

I agree 100%. I get so annoyed when I get on here, and at least once per day there is someone bitching about how so-and-so didn't get them anything. So now you're implying to us that on top of being a whiny, self-entitled bridezilla, you also can't read (as in the 5000 other posts that are exactly like yours and have a ton of comments of people telling them to get over it).

I do agree about the card though. Even a note scratched on some stationary and put in a generic envelope, costing nothing would be a gift. I feel like people don't give them because they feel as if they are drawing attention to the fact that they didn't give a monetary or boxed gift, not realizing that it's the sentiment that counts.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

I agree.

My cousin's wedding was 9 months or so before ours. My cousin's parents paid for her wedding entirely. DH (FI at the time) and I paid for our own wedding, and were living on his salary alone, since I was a law student at the time. Money was tight. So, I got my cousin a beautiful $200ish dollar (I can't remember the exact price) Waterford crystal picture frame.

She went and badmouthed me to my whole family saying that I was cheap and that I should've given more since I brought a "date" (my FIANCE)!!!

Then at our wedding, she gave us a glass bowl with a price tag still on it (from Marshall's). Which was fine with me, but was obviously done to spite me.

So pathetic.

KickAssMOH · October 2013

One of our groomsmen (who is putting himself through grad school and saving up to propose to his gf) gave us no gift. He did, however, give us a beautiful card with a sweet note inside, AND the card itself happened to match something that we wrote on our RD invitations so we know that he put thought into selecting a card. It meant alot, and we are both happy that he didn't write a check. Sometimes it's better NOT to receive a gift from a friend who is not in a positoin to be giving.

daveANDkristen · October 2013

aurorajanette said:

I agree 100%. I get so annoyed when I get on here, and at least once per day there is someone bitching about how so-and-so didn't get them anything. So now you're implying to us that on top of being a whiny, self-entitled bridezilla, you also can't read (as in the 5000 other posts that are exactly like yours and have a ton of comments of people telling them to get over it).

I do agree about the card though. Even a note scratched on some stationary and put in a generic envelope, costing nothing would be a gift. I feel like people don't give them because they feel as if they are drawing attention to the fact that they didn't give a monetary or boxed gift, not realizing that it's the sentiment that counts.

I think that is true for some people. My friend's sister got married recently, and my friend was talking about all these people who gave only a card - not specifically that they didn't bring a gift, but as if card-only is worse than nothing at all. I found it very weird.

Vivandiere8 · October 2013

Since being on the knot there has been a ton of wedding etiquette brought to my attention that I had no ideas about (cash bars open, plus ones), but there are also a lot of sad things I am now aware of that I never was before, like the fact that many brides expect a gift as payment to get into a wedding. My mind set before has always been that some guests would give a gift, and some guests wouldn't, and it would be a nice surprise to see who did! I just know the mind set of expecting a gift from every last person is a new trend and I hope it doesn't grow with time, but I'm afraid with the mind set of the current culture it will only get worse. I would not be surprised if in our life time brides started putting down on the invite the cost of meal per guest so that they knew how large of a gift to get them.

lea717171 · October 2013

My FMIL told me that I should have a black tie wedding because people will give more money / more expensive gifts.... SMH

kerbohl · October 2013

I'm actually considering at this point asking for no gifts, since I've already gotten anything I really need from my showers. So I would love if people just gave cards with a nice note. It really is the thought that counts, and cards put those thoughts into words.

Viczaesar · November 2013

grumbledore said:

natswild said:

I have to admit, it's pretty sad if you can't afford a couple bucks for a card, though

I agree with you and I think it's shitty when people don't at least give an empty card. But we've all seen the outlandish expectations of some posters on TK. They need a reality check big time.

I don't do cards. It's not part of my life experience; my family is not big on giving cards. If I gave a card at a wedding without a check inside I would feel extremely self-conscious that the bride and groom would be disappointed to open my card and find nothing inside but congratulations. I give my congratulations in person instead.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Might I also add:

Gifts: don't list your damn registry on your invitations!!!!!!!

NYCBruin · November 2013

aefitz29 said:

Might I also add:

Gifts: don't list your damn registry on your invitations!!!!!!!

Quoted because this should be repeated.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Was over on the registries board lurking for when to begin one...

Saw sooooooo many posts about how to get money instead of gifts or how to post registry info on invites. Yikes!

cidefi · November 2013

Vivandiere8 said:
Since being on the knot there has been a ton of wedding etiquette brought to my attention that I had no ideas about (cash bars open, plus ones), but there are also a lot of sad things I am now aware of that I never was before, like the fact that many brides expect a gift as payment to get into a wedding. My mind set before has always been that some guests would give a gift, and some guests wouldn't, and it would be a nice surprise to see who did! I just know the mind set of expecting a gift from every last person is a new trend and I hope it doesn't grow with time, but I'm afraid with the mind set of the current culture it will only get worse. I would not be surprised if in our life time brides started putting down on the invite the cost of meal per guest so that they knew how large of a gift to get them.

I totally agree. I have learned so much from TK, so much so that my views on certain things have changed concerning weddings. I have even learned that I have sometimes been a terrible guest and feel really really bad about it.

cidefi · November 2013

So how do you address telling people "no gifts please"? I mean this is my 2nd wedding, and my house is already established. I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. So how do I tell people that?? Am I offending people by saying that? However I do like a giftcard :-) Can I ask for those only?

Viczaesar · November 2013

cidefi said:

So how do you address telling people "no gifts please"? I mean this is my 2nd wedding, and my house is already established. I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. So how do I tell people that?? Am I offending people by saying that? However I do like a giftcard :-) Can I ask for those only?

No, you can't. You should just not register and if anyone asks you what you want you can tell them that you don't need anything. Never ask for money, but you can say that you don't need anything but are saving up for XYZ if you wish. No asking for gift cards. Don't put anything about gifts in your invitations at all, even to say that you don't want any.

aurorajanette · November 2013

cidefi said:

So how do you address telling people "no gifts please"? I mean this is my 2nd wedding, and my house is already established. I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. So how do I tell people that?? Am I offending people by saying that? However I do like a giftcard :-) Can I ask for those only?

Just don't mention gifts at all and don't register. You can spread the word that you don't want gifts, but don't put it in writing.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

aurorajanette said:

cidefi said:

So how do you address telling people "no gifts please"? I mean this is my 2nd wedding, and my house is already established. I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. So how do I tell people that?? Am I offending people by saying that? However I do like a giftcard :-) Can I ask for those only?

Just don't mention gifts at all and don't register. You can spread the word that you don't want gifts, but don't put it in writing.

Exactly this. If you do not need/want gifts then you do not need to register for things you don't want. People usually take the hint and either bring a gift of their choosing or go the money route.

cidefi · November 2013

Thanks. And no I wasn't going to put it in writing at all.

minskat30 · November 2013

Agree with this entirely. About 1/4 of our guests didn't get us a gift. A lot of them were poor and getting to the wedding (even gas for a two hour drive here and back the next day...I put them up in hotels once they got here) was about all they could afford. I feel blessed they could make it.

grumbledore · November 2013

Viczaesar said:

grumbledore said:

natswild said:

I have to admit, it's pretty sad if you can't afford a couple bucks for a card, though

I agree with you and I think it's shitty when people don't at least give an empty card. But we've all seen the outlandish expectations of some posters on TK. They need a reality check big time.

I don't do cards. It's not part of my life experience; my family is not big on giving cards. If I gave a card at a wedding without a check inside I would feel extremely self-conscious that the bride and groom would be disappointed to open my card and find nothing inside but congratulations. I give my congratulations in person instead.

I get that, but from an etiquette standpoint, the appropriate thing to do is give the empty card.

Viczaesar · November 2013

grumbledore said:

grumbledore said:

natswild said:

I have to admit, it's pretty sad if you can't afford a couple bucks for a card, though

I agree with you and I think it's shitty when people don't at least give an empty card. But we've all seen the outlandish expectations of some posters on TK. They need a reality check big time.

I don't do cards. It's not part of my life experience; my family is not big on giving cards. If I gave a card at a wedding without a check inside I would feel extremely self-conscious that the bride and groom would be disappointed to open my card and find nothing inside but congratulations. I give my congratulations in person instead.
I get that, but from an etiquette standpoint, the appropriate thing to do is give the empty card.

According to etiquette you should give a gift if you are able. There is no etiquette requirement that I'm aware of for sending a card to express congratulations and well wishes. I give those in person instead (though technically one ought not to express congratulations to the bride, only the groom, and say best wishes to the bride).

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

Viczaesar said:

According to etiquette you should give a gift if you are able. There is no etiquette requirement that I'm aware of for sending a card to express congratulations and well wishes. I give those in person instead (though technically one ought not to express congratulations to the bride, only the groom, and say best wishes to the bride).

This is one of the places where the Post Institute -- very foolishly, as it was bound to create not only mercenary expectations on the part of brides, but cynical suspicions on the part of guests who suspect they were invited in the hopes that they would decline and send a gift -- breaks not only with traditional etiquette and standard protocol, but also with the advice of Mrs Post herself. The Post Institute has announced that guests are supposed to send a gift in response to an invitation. Traditional etiquette holds that giving a gift presumes a level of intimacy with the recipient and the giver should therefore use jugement, based on the relationship, about whether or not a gift is acceptable.

Traditional etiquette does hold, though, that a note (not necessarily a card, since personal engraved stationery is in better taste) should be sent expressing congratulations and well-wishes. But it is not delivered at the wedding. You are there in person: sending a letter with what you can say yourself is just silly. The congratulatory note is supposed to be sent promptly as soon as you know the couple is engaged.

Incidentally, true sticklers will also send a second note after the wedding or any other substantial entertainment, to their hostess which of course in some circumstances is the bride's mother or kinswoman rather than the bride herself, thanking her for her hospitality.

Notes are required by traditional and standard etiquette. Gifts are required by the Post Institute.

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