Engagment party

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Why is it rude to throw your own engagment party? If it is properly hosted, then isn't it just like throwing any other kind of party?

bethsmiles · November 2013

It's rude to throw your own engagement party for the same reason it's rude to throw your own bachelorette party or bridal shower. You shouldn't throw a party for yourself where you are the guest of honor (it makes you look like an attention whore) and engagement parties are often seen as gift giving occasion so it can be seen as gift-grabby.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

So is it rude to throw your own birthday party? Because I do that every year.

I guess I don't see the issue in putting on your own party but that's probably because I think that's the only way I'll be able to have one.

LDubHawksFan · November 2013

Depending on the level of a party you throw for yourself on your bday, yes it's inappropriate. An engagement party is not necessary at all. Not a big deal if you don't get one.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

lwoehlk said:
Depending on the level of a party you throw for yourself on your bday, yes it's inappropriate. An engagement party is not necessary at all. Not a big deal if you don't get one.

I guess it's not a big deal to you if FI and I don't have an engagement party but we want to have one and I would feel really rude asking someone to throw us one and apparently it's rude to throw our own, so there is nothing to be done etiquette wise if we want one and no one offers? I feel like that's crazy.

And I doubt anyone would consider any bday party I've ever thrown as rude. I know what you mean by "level of party".

misssunshine17 · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

Depending on the level of a party you throw for yourself on your bday, yes it's inappropriate. An engagement party is not necessary at all. Not a big deal if you don't get one.
I guess it's not a big deal to you if FI and I don't have an engagement party but we want to have one and I would feel really rude asking someone to throw us one and apparently it's rude to throw our own, so there is nothing to be done etiquette wise if we want one and no one offers? I feel like that's crazy. And I doubt anyone would consider any bday party I've ever thrown as rude. I know what you mean by "level of party".

Then you don't have one. It really is that simple.

That said, you could have a fabulous not-for-any-particular-reason party. And call it just that- a regular party. Inevitably, people will ask about your engagement but this kind of party is E approved and won't make you look like an attention whore.

doeydo · November 2013

If no one offers to throw you one, then you just don't have one, NBD. Yes, throwing your own birthday party would be rude, IMO.

SP29 · November 2013

Interesting... in my teens and now into my mid- 20s, my friends and I (different groups of friends) have always thrown are own birthday parties, because no one else does. Some people do plan their parties, some don't (and then there is no party). Often people ask, "What are you going to do for your birthday??".

Though these birthdays usually involve going out to dinner a restaurant (where everyone pays for themselves), meeting up at a bar or club, or going to the birthday person's house where drinks and food are supplied. Birthday presents are never given.

It has never seemed odd to me. To me, it seems that when one is a child one's parents plan the party, but then when one grows up, they take over in their parents' place. But wedding parties definitely seem odd to me to throw your own, because of the association with gift giving.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I'm the youngest of 4 and my brothers birthday is the day before mine. I throw my own party because I literally have to. I have some friends that would do it if I brought it up to them, but that seems more rude.

That being said I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm a birthdayZILLA! Every year! It's MY DAY! Or week maybe

and that's all in fun because I'm more excited then rude or crazy but my friends all have come to expect me to have some crazy something or another and certainly to be very obnoxious about my birthday. I don't think that etiquette comes into play at all! Attention whore barely begins to cover my birthday spirit!!! I don't expect any gifts though and rarely get any because everyone knows I don't want anything but the get together and for them to love me enough to put up with my obnoxious birthdayness for the day!! (And a birthday shake from country kitchen!)

Now I wish it was my birthday

lol

Jen4948 · November 2013

If you want to celebrate an occasion for yourself with a party, someone else has to throw you that party. Otherwise, you have to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve hosting other people.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Jen4948 said:
If you want to celebrate an occasion for yourself with a party, someone else has to throw you that party. Otherwise, you have to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve hosting other people.

I'm sorry your being singled out here!!!

This is one of the reasons I feel like so many people get offended including me sometimes. If I want to celebrate an occasion for myself without being rude someone has to throw it for me.

It's not that I couldn't host my own party, it's just that I couldn't do it without being considered rude by these standards.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

scribe95 said:
Look, meeting for drinks after work I don't consider throwing yourself a party. But sending out invites for your own party? Uh uh. And that's what you would do with an engagement party. Come celebrate me! I mean how self-involved can you be?

It could be a self hosted pot luck with cash only gifts please written on the invites and then I could not invite them to the wedding! Ergh barf!

MobKaz · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

Look, meeting for drinks after work I don't consider throwing yourself a party. But sending out invites for your own party? Uh uh. And that's what you would do with an engagement party. Come celebrate me! I mean how self-involved can you be?
It could be a self hosted pot luck with cash only gifts please written on the invites and then I could not invite them to the wedding! Ergh barf!

missmo14 · November 2013

Host exactly what you have in mind but just dont 'label' it an engagement party. You will still get to mix and mingle with your friends and family before the wedding which I assume is what you are looking for in an " engagement " party?

[Deleted User] · November 2013

missmo14 said:

Host exactly what you have in mind but just dont 'label' it an engagement party. You will still get to mix and mingle with your friends and family before the wedding which I assume is what you are looking for in an " engagement " party?

Nope, I really think I'm being kind of attention whore-y I'm super excited about my engagement!!! I want everyone else to be just as excited I guess. I hate that it has to be a presents things because its not about that at all. PLUS, I guess I'm just a little bummed that my mom didn't jump on the chance to throw me one. (she actually said "oh well I guess your officially in a committed relationship now huh" when we told her and FI almost died.)

I was hoping everyone would say it's rude for everyone but you because your a snowflake or better yet, its rude but no one really thinks so anymore, OR if its hosted well then its kinda rude but not bad.

MobKaz · November 2013

clairekundinger said: missmo14 said: Host exactly what you have in mind but just dont 'label' it an engagement party. You will still get to mix and mingle with your friends and family before the wedding which I assume is what you are looking for in an " engagement " party?
Nope, I really think I'm being kind of attention whore-y

I'm super excited about my engagement!!! I want everyone else to be just as excited I guess. I hate that it has to be a presents things because its not about that at all. PLUS, I guess I'm just a little bummed that my mom didn't jump on the chance to throw me one. (she actually said "oh well I guess your officially in a committed relationship now huh" when we told her and FI almost died.) I was hoping everyone would say it's rude for everyone but you because your a snowflake

or better yet, its rude but no one really thinks so anymore, OR if its hosted well then its kinda rude but not bad.

Per the title of your own thread, you definitely put the GAG in

Engagment party.

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

It is quite possible that your mother did not jump on the bandwagon, because the bandwagon in question was just recently cobbled together and she never heard of it before.

Traditional engagement parties fall in to two categories. The kind I think of first is the general just-because party where you get all your friends in one place, and then take advantage of the assemblage to announce your engagement. You know it's an engagement party when you plan it, but your guests do not. Guests show up with the idea of partying, not with the idea of honouring you, and as long as you actually facilitate their partying and take a minimum of their time and attention to make your announcement, you can host this kind of party yourselves. But if you have already made the general announcement -- if you have changed your facebook status, for example -- this ship has sailed.

The other kind of party is the now-we're-engaged-let's-introduce-the-families party. Far from being honoured by such a party, the new fiances are usually fraught with anxiety. Since the gathering is all family anyway, standing on your dignity about who hosts and who honours is not really called for anyway. You can definately host this one yourselves.

Children "host" their own birthday parties because that's a good opportunity for them to learn and practice the duties of a host -- greeting their guests at the door, serving the cake to the guests first and themselves last, saying thank-you to everyone for coming. The basic training should be complete by the time a child finishes grade school, and the present-and-cake kind of parties can end. Unfortunately, birthday parties also let the little hosts practice expecting presents, and some parents follow the custom of letting the little host go first in every game and get the first piece of cake and be the centre of attention because she's "the birthday girl". Those lessons seem to sink in more easily than the put-your-guests-first lessons, and the modern kind of engagement party where the couple are the centre of attention and recipients of gifts is a new innovation that seems to have been based largely on the birthday-party model. If that's the kind of party you want then, being over twelve, you do indeed need someone to throw it for you.

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

scribe95 said:
I think you need to temper your excitement or you are going to be super disappointed when the rest of the world doesn't care about your engagement like you do.

I don't think I'm ever going to stop being excited. I was excited that FI and I were together before we got engaged. I hope I'll never stop being excited about being with FI.

I already know that no one cares as much as me, that will not be a shocker.

I don't understand why everyone else's excitement should temper mine or why anyone would expect other people to care as much as the B&G.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

This thread is confusing. OP it sounds like you really don't give a damn about etiquette when it comes to engagement parties and who should and should not throw them so just throw yourself the damn party because this thread is just going around and around in circles.

NYCBruin · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

I think you need to temper your excitement or you are going to be super disappointed when the rest of the world doesn't care about your engagement like you do.
I don't think I'm ever going to stop being excited. I was excited that FI and I were together before we got engaged. I hope I'll never stop being excited about being with FI. I already know that no one cares as much as me, that will not be a shocker. I don't understand why everyone else's excitement should temper mine or why anyone would expect other people to care as much as the B&G.

I think scribe was getting at the fact that you need to temper your expectations of other people's excitement.

Be super excited about your engagement. But don't expect others to show up to a party you throw yourself to celebrate yourself. That's just rude.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Oh and "really wanting" to have an engagement party is not an excuse to throw one for yourself.

There are lots of things I'd like but can't have. That's life.

climbingsingle · November 2013

scribe95 said:

I think you need to temper your excitement or you are going to be super disappointed when the rest of the world doesn't care about your engagement like you do.

I agree. I am crazy, insanely excited about my engagement. But the world keeps on turning, girl. People have their own lives. My engagement and wedding is not the most important thing in everyone else's lives.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I have never once said that I was having one or that I didn't care about etiquette. I don't think that being told that I'm going to be let down if I don't temper my excitement about how little everyone else cares about my engagement has anything to do with a party. I don't think it's all about me but I don't think that my excitement should have anything to do with other peoples excitement.

daveANDkristen · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

missmo14 said:

Host exactly what you have in mind but just dont 'label' it an engagement party. You will still get to mix and mingle with your friends and family before the wedding which I assume is what you are looking for in an " engagement " party?

Nope, I really think I'm being kind of attention whore-y I'm super excited about my engagement!!! I want everyone else to be just as excited I guess. I hate that it has to be a presents things because its not about that at all. PLUS, I guess I'm just a little bummed that my mom didn't jump on the chance to throw me one. (she actually said "oh well I guess your officially in a committed relationship now huh" when we told her and FI almost died.)

I was hoping everyone would say it's rude for everyone but you because your a snowflake or better yet, its rude but no one really thinks so anymore, OR if its hosted well then its kinda rude but not bad.

1) well, they're not going to be.

2) well-mannered people know that it is rude to draw attention to yourself in that "look at me! celebrate me! "ain't I special?!" sort of way. If you don't care how you come across, then you are free to disregard etiquette.

Are engagement parties the norm in your circle? Because in mine, they aren't. But DH's parents insisted that we "must" have one, so they threw it for us. I felt like an awkward AW just having an e-party...

Seriously, you can avoid the negative conotations by just throwing a "just because" party, without dubbing yourselves the guests of honor. If you were recently engaged, many of your guests will ask about the ring, proposal, etc. anyway.

Jen4948 · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

If you want to celebrate an occasion for yourself with a party, someone else has to throw you that party. Otherwise, you have to find other ways to celebrate that don't involve hosting other people.
I'm sorry your being singled out here!!! This is one of the reasons I feel like so many people get offended including me sometimes. If I want to celebrate an occasion for myself without being rude someone has to throw it for me. It's not that I couldn't host my own party, it's just that I couldn't do it without being considered rude by these standards.

I'm not being singled out. But yes, if nobody chooses to throw you an engagement party, then politeness requires you to forgo it.

daveANDkristen · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

I'm not being singled out. But yes, if nobody chooses to throw you an engagement party, then politeness requires you to forgo it.

She knows that, but per her OP... WHY?! 2nd coming of jashley?

Jen4948 · November 2013

daveANDkristen said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not being singled out. But yes, if nobody chooses to throw you an engagement party, then politeness requires you to forgo it.
She knows that, but per her OP... WHY?! 2nd coming of jashley?

Look, read all the other responses and an etiquette book as well. Stop asking me!

MobKaz · November 2013

daveANDkristen said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm not being singled out. But yes, if nobody chooses to throw you an engagement party, then politeness requires you to forgo it.
She knows that, but per her OP... WHY?! 2nd coming of jashley?

Do not say that name out loud!

Maggie0829 · November 2013

This is the weirdest thread.

I agree. I just don't understand the point of it.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

Maggie0829 said:

This is the weirdest thread.
I agree. I just don't understand the point of it.

Me three. And I don't understand owning up to being so self absorbed.

Engagment party

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