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KatyBride10588 · November 2013

Maggie0829 · November 2013

MY FSIL got engaged in June of this year and has set a date for next September. My fiance proposed in November and we are having significant trouble moving forward with any planning because of the anger from FSIL and his parents about 1) him proposing when he did in the first place and 2) that our wedding could be before hers or close after. We are 30 (2 years old than her) and don't see the need for a 1+ year engagement but are comfortable with next November because that would be a month and change after hers, but even after saying this there was been a lot of drama (keeping up with the kardashians-style drama). Sister has essentially cut off ties with my fiance and his parents are on her side. Wish there was no need for sides because I would like to keep the peace but having hard time finding a balance...between keeping peace and still going what we want to do for ourselves. Fiance is sad, embarrassed, and hurt by his family and how angry and vocal they have been about their unhappiness.

what can i do?

Your FI family are assholes. You and your FI are adults and are allowed to get engaged and married any damn time you please. At this point there is really nothing you can do. You and your FI should continue planning your wedding how you two would like and just hope that his family comes around in the end. If they don't, then they just look like entitled assholes.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

aurorajanette · November 2013

Maggie0829 said:

MY FSIL got engaged in June of this year and has set a date for next September. My fiance proposed in November and we are having significant trouble moving forward with any planning because of the anger from FSIL and his parents about 1) him proposing when he did in the first place and 2) that our wedding could be before hers or close after. We are 30 (2 years old than her) and don't see the need for a 1+ year engagement but are comfortable with next November because that would be a month and change after hers, but even after saying this there was been a lot of drama (keeping up with the kardashians-style drama). Sister has essentially cut off ties with my fiance and his parents are on her side. Wish there was no need for sides because I would like to keep the peace but having hard time finding a balance...between keeping peace and still going what we want to do for ourselves. Fiance is sad, embarrassed, and hurt by his family and how angry and vocal they have been about their unhappiness.

what can i do?
Your FI family are assholes. You and your FI are adults and are allowed to get engaged and married any damn time you please. At this point there is really nothing you can do. You and your FI should continue planning your wedding how you two would like and just hope that his family comes around in the end. If they don't, then they just look like entitled assholes.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

^^ This. I totally agree with Maggie. It's your lives. You plan your wedding how you want it to be, not based on the whims and tantrums of a self-important young woman.

lauralee1723 · November 2013

FI's family sounds ridiculous. I agree with PPs, just do your thing and if they come around, they come around, but if they don't, they don't, and you'll just have to move on. To me, family is more important than fighting about stupid BS like this, but I guess to some people, drama is more important than family. Just don't stoop to their level and you're golden.

climbingsingle · November 2013

Wow. I'm sorry your FI's family members are acting like a bunch of shitbags. I honestly don't think there's anything you can do at this point. Hopefully they'll come around.

melbelleup · November 2013

That's insane. I'm glad my parents aren't like that. I got engaged Dec 31st 2012, my brother got engaged in feb. I'm getting married June 28, brother getting married July 17th. No issues, all are happy.

I would just keep on planning. They will either put on their grown up pants and be adults about this or not show up and that's really sad on their part.

thelastdreamer · November 2013

That is effing insane. Plan your wedding and have it when you want. Nobody has "dibs" on an engagement period. You get ONE day. You can't expect the entire world to quit living their lives because now it's "your" special time. How absurd.

J+A 2013 · November 2013

While I think your FILs are acting a little (okay, a lot) immature about the situation, you do have to be mindful of having two weddings too close together with too many overlapping guests. Considering they are siblings, that could be 1/3 of your guest list.

Two weddings in 6 weeks wouldn't have gone over very well in my family. Mine and my cousins are 4 months apart (mine was first), and people were being asked to put down deposits for rooms before my wedding even happened. It put more than a few people in a tight spot. (She sent out a reminder email at 11 am the day after my wedding, which got a few looks from those of us who were eating brunch together and got the email on our phones.)

If your FILs were planning on helping out financially or giving you a large gift, they might be upset they can't do that twice in that short of a time frame. My parents gave H and I are large cash gift to use towards the wedding, and they plan on giving the same exact amount to my brothers - and I have a feeling that if two of us were engaged and planning a wedding at the same time, they would have preferred that we wait. As I found out with the planning of my wedding, families tend to get more involved and into it than you'd expect - even if they don't have anything to DO. I swear my mom talked more about getting ready for my wedding and was more stressed leading up to it than I was. A separation between two siblings' weddings would be kind of necessary.

However, I DO get the feeling they are mostly just being really dramatic, so I think it's up to your FI to determine if it's worth changing your plans to accommodate them.

NerdyLucy · November 2013

I'm really sorry that they're really that immature. You'd think they could be adults about it.

thisismynickname2 · November 2013

J+A 2013 said:

While I think your FILs are acting a little (okay, a lot) immature about the situation, you do have to be mindful of having two weddings too close together with too many overlapping guests. Considering they are siblings, that could be 1/3 of your guest list.

Two weddings in 6 weeks wouldn't have gone over very well in my family. Mine and my cousins are 4 months apart (mine was first), and people were being asked to put down deposits for rooms before my wedding even happened. It put more than a few people in a tight spot. (She sent out a reminder email at 11 am the day after my wedding, which got a few looks from those of us who were eating brunch together and got the email on our phones.)

If your FILs were planning on helping out financially or giving you a large gift, they might be upset they can't do that twice in that short of a time frame. My parents gave H and I are large cash gift to use towards the wedding, and they plan on giving the same exact amount to my brothers - and I have a feeling that if two of us were engaged and planning a wedding at the same time, they would have preferred that we wait. As I found out with the planning of my wedding, families tend to get more involved and into it than you'd expect - even if they don't have anything to DO. I swear my mom talked more about getting ready for my wedding and was more stressed leading up to it than I was. A separation between two siblings' weddings would be kind of necessary.

However, I DO get the feeling they are mostly just being really dramatic, so I think it's up to your FI to determine if it's worth changing your plans to accommodate them.

This. I was thinking the same. Maybe it has to do with money? One of my bridesmaids, long story, is not yet engaged but wants to get married in Hawaii next summer (and we live in Chicago). My wedding is in September. Again, long story short, if that happens (meaning her boyfriend of 8 years finally pops the question and they do agree to marry there), it puts me in a serious financial bind. I'm not upset that she wants to get married right before me per se, it's about the serious financial commitment she's springing on me at a bad time. And this is my best friend!! I share this because I really do feel OP's situation could be financially motivated.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

They are being assholes. Seriously. That said, I know my family members wouldn't have been happy about having to attend two weddings within six weeks of each other purely based on convenience of the guests, but definitely not the end of the world.

If it is an financial issue, they should not be making issue of anything else and should voice their concerns (or shut the F up) like normal adults. You should move forward and plan the wedding you want, when you want.

Andplusalso, I would not be taking any sort of financial gifts from these people since clearly it would only get worse from here.

KatyBride10588 · November 2013

thanks everyone. it feels good to just hear that i have not lost my mind. not financially motivated at all. my parents will be paying for bulk of our wedding.

tammym1001 · November 2013

KatyBride10588 said:

thanks everyone. it feels good to just hear that i have not lost my mind. not financially motivated at all. my parents will be paying for bulk of our wedding.

Even if they aren't directly giving you money for the wedding it could still be financially motivated. They may be worried about guests having to spend time and money on two weddings, showers, etc. so close together. Also, if people have to travel that could be a problem. Just because the money isn't coming directly to you doesn't mean that people aren't spending money on both of the weddings.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

tammym1001 said:

KatyBride10588 said:

thanks everyone. it feels good to just hear that i have not lost my mind. not financially motivated at all. my parents will be paying for bulk of our wedding.

Even if they aren't directly giving you money for the wedding it could still be financially motivated. They may be worried about guests having to spend time and money on two weddings, showers, etc. so close together. Also, if people have to travel that could be a problem. Just because the money isn't coming directly to you doesn't mean that people aren't spending money on both of the weddings.

I understand this as a concern, but the guests that are being invited have the option of either not coming or changing their gift budgets to allow for two weddings that are close to one another. I think people should be allowed to decide for themselves what they want to do. Will some decline one wedding over the other? Maybe. Will some people not attend showers or give as large a gift as they were originally going to because the weddings are close? Maybe. But I know that I have been invited to many weddings that occurred 2 weeks to 1 month apart from each other. H and I accepted the invites if our schedule allowed and we gave a gift according to our budget at that moment. I doubt this will be the first time some of these guests have been in this situation. Let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt that they are smart enough to figure out what will work best for them.

ashleyep · November 2013

I don't know, my mom and family wouldn't be too happy if my brother and I got married 6 weeks apart. Sure, at that point, it's up to the guests to decide what they can afford to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable putting them in that position in the first place. I think your FSIL is over-reacting, but I can see why they'd be upset about it.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

Maggie0829 said:

MY FSIL got engaged in June of this year and has set a date for next September. My fiance proposed in November and we are having significant trouble moving forward with any planning because of the anger from FSIL and his parents about 1) him proposing when he did in the first place and 2) that our wedding could be before hers or close after. We are 30 (2 years old than her) and don't see the need for a 1+ year engagement but are comfortable with next November because that would be a month and change after hers, but even after saying this there was been a lot of drama (keeping up with the kardashians-style drama). Sister has essentially cut off ties with my fiance and his parents are on her side. Wish there was no need for sides because I would like to keep the peace but having hard time finding a balance...between keeping peace and still going what we want to do for ourselves. Fiance is sad, embarrassed, and hurt by his family and how angry and vocal they have been about their unhappiness.

what can i do?
Your FI family are assholes. You and your FI are adults and are allowed to get engaged and married any damn time you please. At this point there is really nothing you can do. You and your FI should continue planning your wedding how you two would like and just hope that his family comes around in the end. If they don't, then they just look like entitled assholes.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.

^ This.

This is outrageous, entitled, childish behavior on all of their parts. They need to get the fuck over themselves and you need to help them do it. Here's how- plan your wedding the way you want to, for whenever YOU want it, and do not engage in any drama or manipulative behavior they try to pull. Give them necessary info as you would other family members and VIPs- the date and time, locations, etc. Ask them to participate if you wish, and then try to accept however they react if it is negatively, but do not give in to them.

They are having a fit and not talking to you guys now? I am very sorry they are acting like assholes, be prepared for them to boycott your wedding, and have a grand time without any of them if they do.

Don't give in to them. Ever.

KatyBride10588. I hope you both have a wonderful wedding day and life together. . . and I hope his family gets their damn acts together!

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

tammym1001 said:

KatyBride10588 said:

thanks everyone. it feels good to just hear that i have not lost my mind. not financially motivated at all. my parents will be paying for bulk of our wedding.

Even if they aren't directly giving you money for the wedding it could still be financially motivated. They may be worried about guests having to spend time and money on two weddings, showers, etc. so close together. This is a rationalization of their behavior, and their behavior is so poor that no excuses should be made for them. OP's FI family sound very controlling, and they need to realize that the lives of other adults are not their concern and they have no business worrying about things like this to the detriment of their son and his FI. Also, if people have to travel that could be a problem. Again, not something FI's family needs to be or should be worrying about. Just because the money isn't coming directly to you doesn't mean that people aren't spending money on both of the weddings.

My ire isn't directed at you, tammym, but I don't agree with rationalizing or making excuses for this family. They sound controlling and manipulative, the FSIL sounds like a drama queen AW, and I'd bet this isn't the first time she and FI's parents have acted in this manner.

ashleyep said:

I don't know, my mom and family wouldn't be too happy if my brother and I got married 6 weeks apart. But would they throw such a damn hissy fit? Sure, at that point, it's up to the guests to decide what they can afford to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable putting them in that position in the first place. I think your FSIL is over-reacting, but I can see why they'd be upset about it.

I think FSIL is upset about it because she won't be THE center of wedding attention for that entire year. The way she and her parents are acting as described by the OP leads me to think that none of the three of them give any fucks about anyone else, and that this fit has nothing to do with the fear of inconveniencing guests that may overlap both weddings, but rather has very selfish motivations.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

What do you do? Continue with your wedding as planned. These people are acting like children. Give them some space. They'll either: A) realize they're acting like idiots and knock it off or

continue their immature antics and at least you'll know which family to spend the holidays with!

ashleyep · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleyep said:

I don't know, my mom and family wouldn't be too happy if my brother and I got married 6 weeks apart. But would they throw such a damn hissy fit? Sure, at that point, it's up to the guests to decide what they can afford to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable putting them in that position in the first place. I think your FSIL is over-reacting, but I can see why they'd be upset about it.

I think FSIL is upset about it because she won't be THE center of wedding attention for that entire year. The way she and her parents are acting as described by the OP leads me to think that none of the three of them give any fucks about anyone else, and that this fit has nothing to do with the fear of inconveniencing guests that may overlap both weddings, but rather has very selfish motivations.

No, they wouldn't throw a hissy fit. They would have a conversation with me about why they thought that date was a poor choice. I agree that FSIL is way out of line on this. If it is about being the center of attention, then you're right, fuck her. But I also don't think it's out of line for FMIL to be worried about her family.

MuppetOverlord · November 2013

Just plan your wedding.

jenniferurs · November 2013

I think it's fair to be concerned over the monetary/time commitments of shared guests, if that is indeed their concern. But even if it is, they should be approaching it in a much different manner.

Blergbot · November 2013

I have two similar situations. One is that my FSIL got engaged in May and we started talking about marriage in August. We decided to wait until she set a date to get engaged. We didn't actually wind up waiting until then, just until she mentioned a ballpark (March). FI wanted to break the news to her first, just to make sure she was cool with it. That didn't wind up happening, either, because he couldn't get ahold of her, but in the end she was totally cool about us getting married next October. On my side of things, my dad's GF's daughter is getting married a month before us. It may be a slightly stressful time for my dad's GF, but, again, nothing but happy for us! Sorry these people are being such dicks.

FutureMrsN3312 · November 2013

If they are worried about other peoples finances they could just be adults and bring that to your attention. A hissy fit is ridiculous. "BTW do you think it will be a lot for guests to do 2 showers/weddings, etc so close together?" Doesn't mean you have to listen but maybe something you didn't think about.

We got engaged March 2012 and FSIL was getting married July 2012. So many people were like "omg you got engaged the same year FSIL is getting married?!?" (FI's sister and family was super excited they knew it was coming) Life happens. Plan your wedding. If they don't come around they are the ones loosing out on a major life event for their son.

Good luck!

Amyzen83 · November 2013

I had a similar situation with my sister, her engagement was much longer than mine and she had been with her fi since HS, I'm glad they waited, but it was their choice to have such a long engagement, My finace proposed and my sis didn't want me to get married before her. Fine, I want a spring/summer wedding anyway because I hate rain and cold weather. But she pitches a huge tantrum because my fiance and I decide to have our wedding 3 months after hers. My fi and I were angry with her self entitled attitude, but I expect nothing less from her because that's the type of selfish person she is. We decided, it's our wedding, we are already having over a year long engagement, I'm 5 and a half years older than her anyway, we were not going to put up with her BS.

I did have a conversation with her about it and found out that the reason she was upset was that she was afraid that I'd be too busy planning my own wedding that I'd have no time or desire to help her with hers because she wanted me as a bridesmaid, after talking everything through and much re-assuring that I'd still be there for her and I would set aside finances and time to be a good sister to her.I also told her that even if I wasn't getting married, she can't expect me to put my entire life on hold just because she is getting married. We are fine now, but knowing that this is a sensitive issue for her, I don't really bring up my wedding planning with her unless she asks, I share little to no information, unless I need something from her like buying her BM dress. Instead since she wants to be the only princess, I show interest in hers.

My suggestion is when it come's to fi's family, don't talk about your wedding, instead express interest in FSIL to keep the peace and hopefully she will come around and realize what a bridezilla and familyzillas they all are.

KatyBride10588 · November 2013

Your situation is pretty much identical. Thanks for the advice and we're going to give that a shot. You are a good sister.

tammym1001 · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

tammym1001 said:

KatyBride10588 said:

thanks everyone. it feels good to just hear that i have not lost my mind. not financially motivated at all. my parents will be paying for bulk of our wedding.

Even if they aren't directly giving you money for the wedding it could still be financially motivated. They may be worried about guests having to spend time and money on two weddings, showers, etc. so close together. This is a rationalization of their behavior, and their behavior is so poor that no excuses should be made for them. OP's FI family sound very controlling, and they need to realize that the lives of other adults are not their concern and they have no business worrying about things like this to the detriment of their son and his FI. Also, if people have to travel that could be a problem. Again, not something FI's family needs to be or should be worrying about. Just because the money isn't coming directly to you doesn't mean that people aren't spending money on both of the weddings.

My ire isn't directed at you, tammym, but I don't agree with rationalizing or making excuses for this family. They sound controlling and manipulative, the FSIL sounds like a drama queen AW, and I'd bet this isn't the first time she and FI's parents have acted in this manner.

ashleyep said:

I don't know, my mom and family wouldn't be too happy if my brother and I got married 6 weeks apart. But would they throw such a damn hissy fit? Sure, at that point, it's up to the guests to decide what they can afford to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable putting them in that position in the first place. I think your FSIL is over-reacting, but I can see why they'd be upset about it.

I think FSIL is upset about it because she won't be THE center of wedding attention for that entire year. The way she and her parents are acting as described by the OP leads me to think that none of the three of them give any fucks about anyone else, and that this fit has nothing to do with the fear of inconveniencing guests that may overlap both weddings, but rather has very selfish motivations.

Yeah I was definitely rationalizing their behavior, but not because I approve of what they're doing. I think they are being absolutely ridiculous. I just wanted to point out to OP that giving them money for their wedding wasn't the only financial issues that they might be worried about.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

I just have to agree with everyone else. Plan your wedding when you want to plan it, and let them deal with it. You're adults and it sounds like you have the planning and finances under control yourselves, so you can make your own decisions apart from them. SIL sounds like a brat, and I think we can all tell who taught her how to be one. There may be some friends or family members who have to choose one of the two weddings to attend, but that's just part of it. If they are silly and petty enough to miss their son's wedding because they don't agree with the timeframe, then they're the ones who look pitiful, not you guys.

shada19 · November 2013

I understand why they are angry. Everyone is acting a little entitled IMO. They seem like asses but you don't look so good either. She got engaged and set a date before you were engaged. Because you're older and don't feel the need to wait, you are going to set up back to back weddings for his family. I think that is horribly selfish on your part. You aren't going to die of old age next year and unless you are ill or something that makes getting married in November a necessity, you should back down from this one.

doeydo · November 2013

Your SIL and your FILs sound like crazy, jerks. She can't claim an entire year! You can get married any day, in any year you choose (aside from her wedding day) without being rude or taking away attention from her.

livelaughlove7909 · November 2013

I have a similar situation. FI and i got engaged Sept 2013 and his sister just got engaged this past friday. They havent set a date yet but ours is 6/28/14....as long as she doesnt get married in june i dont really care.

I understand you have a month in mind but why dont you consider a different time of year? or next november.

Or you could just elope

Bubblegum5586 · November 2013

I get how a wedding 6 weeks apart *could* be tough on his family but I think the biggest concern here is the fact they are not even happy about this engagement! That is so sad to me that OP FI doesn't feel he can celebrate and be happy about such an exciting thing because his family is *soooo mad*

And 6 weeks feels like more then it may sound this far away. My cousin booked her wedding 6 weeks before mine and I felt that was so close at the time. But when I attended her wedding and then 6 weeks later was mine... it felt soooo long ago!! Heck I have been married 6 weeks myself now and it feels like a long time ago!

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