Ex-Spouses?

ShallowSeas · November 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

This is the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.

You don't want to move on from your ex. Which makes it even more ridiculous that you're here planning a wedding to another dudge when you're not even engaged yet.

Thats not an excuse when its something that has actually happened. And I'm not planning a wedding since I am not engaged. Not once have I ever posted in a wedding planning board or have ever talked about wedding planning. I post in Chit Chat and NEY BECAUSE I'm not planning a wedding. Where you got this idea that I am planning a wedding is beyond me. Because I'm on TK? How many people are on here who arent engaged? Theres a board specifically for that! Not uncommon. Also, I love that you have commented on how this is "high school drama" and that I must like the drama, yet you continue to post snarky comments on a post that was not meant to be snarky. I was merely asking for advice. I don't give a shit that you make snarky comments on my posts. Thats perfectly fine. But don't sit there and say that I love drama when you are commenting on MY posts causing drama. I asked for advice and opinions, which you gave, so why continue making unnecessary comments? You seem like you're bored and want to cause drama.

climbingsingle · November 2013

You're not engaged and yet you're already asking for advice on how to tell your ex-husband.

I'm not trying to cause drama, sweetheart. Your post is full of total BS and I called you out on it.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You're not engaged and yet you're already asking for advice on how to tell your ex-husband.

I'm not trying to cause drama, sweetheart. Your post is full of total BS and I called you out on it.

I'm asking advice on how to tell him that I'm engaged when I become engaged. My ring is sitting in the closet and my BF is in the process of making arrangements for it to happen...its not too far-fetched to assume that I will be engaged soon considering that's what I've been told.

That's fine you think my post is total BS. You've made the clear. What I can't understand is why you continue to comment on it if you think its such BS. You got your point across, so what's the point? If I thought someone's post was total BS, I would either not comment on it period, or be done with it once I thought it was all BS.

jenniferurs · November 2013

I don't necessarily view things the way PPs do. How long ago was it that you and your ex-husband got divorced? I didn't tell any of my ex's that I got engaged, because it had been 4 years since I had even had any kind of relationship with any of them. Some of them, however, told me when they got engaged, because it was closer to the time when we had dated. I neither needed nor expected them to do that, but I did find it respectful. So for me, it comes down to how much time has passed since you two were together. The shorter the period of time, the more respect and courtesy I'd be inclined to extend.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

jenniferurs said:

I don't necessarily view things the way PPs do. How long ago was it that you and your ex-husband got divorced? I didn't tell any of my ex's that I got engaged, because it had been 4 years since I had even had any kind of relationship with any of them. Some of them, however, told me when they got engaged, because it was closer to the time when we had dated. I neither needed nor expected them to do that, but I did find it respectful. So for me, it comes down to how much time has passed since you two were together. The shorter the period of time, the more respect and courtesy I'd be inclined to extend.

Its been a year and a half since our divorce was finalized. 2 years since we separated.

kitty8403 · November 2013

Look--when my guy proposed, calling my most recent ex or wondering what he'd think was the LAST thing on my mind. If you're spending this much time obsessing over his response, then you have a problem. If legitimate stalking were taking place, I'd be speaking to you about protecting yourself, but it sounds like he's respected your request not to call. So don't call him. If he starts harassing you, then get your FI on the phone to tell him to back off. There is a lot you can do, small community or not.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

Look--when my guy proposed, calling my most recent ex or wondering what he'd think was the LAST thing on my mind. If you're spending this much time obsessing over his response, then you have a problem. If legitimate stalking were taking place, I'd be speaking to you about protecting yourself, but it sounds like he's respected your request not to call. So don't call him. If he starts harassing you, then get your FI on the phone to tell him to back off. There is a lot you can do, small community or not.

Its not that I wonder what he'll think. I could care less what he thinks. I care about his actions how they're gonna effect me.

jenniferurs · November 2013

shyannelise said:

jenniferurs said:

I don't necessarily view things the way PPs do. How long ago was it that you and your ex-husband got divorced? I didn't tell any of my ex's that I got engaged, because it had been 4 years since I had even had any kind of relationship with any of them. Some of them, however, told me when they got engaged, because it was closer to the time when we had dated. I neither needed nor expected them to do that, but I did find it respectful. So for me, it comes down to how much time has passed since you two were together. The shorter the period of time, the more respect and courtesy I'd be inclined to extend.

Its been a year and a half since our divorce was finalized. 2 years since we separated.

That's not a tremendous amount of time to jump from one marriage into another, especially since you started dating your bf prior to the divorce being final. That in mind, I'd be more inclined to feel for your ex.

I say you go ahead and break the news. I say this because your bf is okay with that course of action and because you said your ex handles things better that way, as evidenced by past experiences. If either of those conditions weren't true, I'd advise against it, but if they are, it's probably the best course of action considering the time sensitive nature of it all.

That being said, after that, I'd cut things off. He's clearly still in love with you and that requires a clean break so that he can try to move on.

kitty8403 · November 2013

shyannelise said:

kitty8403 said:

Look--when my guy proposed, calling my most recent ex or wondering what he'd think was the LAST thing on my mind. If you're spending this much time obsessing over his response, then you have a problem. If legitimate stalking were taking place, I'd be speaking to you about protecting yourself, but it sounds like he's respected your request not to call. So don't call him. If he starts harassing you, then get your FI on the phone to tell him to back off. There is a lot you can do, small community or not.

Its not that I wonder what he'll think. I could care less what he thinks. I care about his actions how they're gonna effect me.

Yeah, I get it. Let me try again.
You told him not to call you, right? Ok. So if he keeps calling and pestering and being an ass after you asked him to stop, then that's on him and you have a real complaint.
But if YOU start calling HIM, then you are opening the door to further communication and contact. If you don't want that, then you should not go out of your way to discuss your relationship with him.

jenniferurs · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

shyannelise said:

kitty8403 said:

Look--when my guy proposed, calling my most recent ex or wondering what he'd think was the LAST thing on my mind. If you're spending this much time obsessing over his response, then you have a problem. If legitimate stalking were taking place, I'd be speaking to you about protecting yourself, but it sounds like he's respected your request not to call. So don't call him. If he starts harassing you, then get your FI on the phone to tell him to back off. There is a lot you can do, small community or not.

Its not that I wonder what he'll think. I could care less what he thinks. I care about his actions how they're gonna effect me.

Yeah, I get it. Let me try again.
You told him not to call you, right? Ok. So if he keeps calling and pestering and being an ass after you asked him to stop, then that's on him and you have a real complaint.
But if YOU start calling HIM, then you are opening the door to further communication and contact. If you don't want that, then you should not go out of your way to discuss your relationship with him.

This is a good point.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

jenniferurs said:

jenniferurs said:

I don't necessarily view things the way PPs do. How long ago was it that you and your ex-husband got divorced? I didn't tell any of my ex's that I got engaged, because it had been 4 years since I had even had any kind of relationship with any of them. Some of them, however, told me when they got engaged, because it was closer to the time when we had dated. I neither needed nor expected them to do that, but I did find it respectful. So for me, it comes down to how much time has passed since you two were together. The shorter the period of time, the more respect and courtesy I'd be inclined to extend.

Its been a year and a half since our divorce was finalized. 2 years since we separated.
That's not a tremendous amount of time to jump from one marriage into another, especially since you started dating your bf prior to the divorce being final. That in mind, I'd be more inclined to feel for your ex. I say you go ahead and break the news. I say this because your bf is okay with that course of action and because you said your ex handles things better that way, as evidenced by past experiences. If either of those conditions weren't true, I'd advise against it, but if they are, it's probably the best course of action considering the time sensitive nature of it all. That being said, after that, I'd cut things off. He's clearly still in love with you and that requires a clean break so that he can try to move on.

Thanks for the advice. You're right, its not a tremendous amount of time at all. The reasons we divorced were messy and he knows he did wrong, so i think because of the circumstances it was a little easier for me to move on so quickly; also the fact that I've been friends with my BF for 7 years. I do plan on breaking things completely. I've already asked him not to contact me anymore, which he has respected, so I feel like an engagement would be the final "this is real" moment for him. He has handled things better when I show him respect and tell him, and my BF knows this also because he has seen it. I was just hoping someone out there on TK had an ex like mine who does better with hearing it first-hand, rather than from Joe Schmo.

I would love nothing more for him to move on, find someone else, and be happy with his life which is why i would like to show him some respect on something this serious. It has nothing to do with me still loving him or not being over him as PP's have said. I do not love him. I do not want to be with him, and I am completely over him. That doesn't mean that I dont have respect for him. At one point in my life, this man meant everything to me. I don't feel like I need to maintain a relationship with him any longer, but I would like for us to leave each others' lives on a positive note.

He probably will not have an extremely positive reaction when I do become engaged, but I do think that he will respect the fact that I came to him and told him before he hears it from friends or family.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

jenniferurs said:

kitty8403 said:

Look--when my guy proposed, calling my most recent ex or wondering what he'd think was the LAST thing on my mind. If you're spending this much time obsessing over his response, then you have a problem. If legitimate stalking were taking place, I'd be speaking to you about protecting yourself, but it sounds like he's respected your request not to call. So don't call him. If he starts harassing you, then get your FI on the phone to tell him to back off. There is a lot you can do, small community or not.

Its not that I wonder what he'll think. I could care less what he thinks. I care about his actions how they're gonna effect me.
Yeah, I get it. Let me try again. You told him not to call you, right? Ok. So if he keeps calling and pestering and being an ass after you asked him to stop, then that's on him and you have a real complaint. But if YOU start calling HIM, then you are opening the door to further communication and contact. If you don't want that, then you should not go out of your way to discuss your relationship with him.
This is a good point.

It's a very good point, definitely something to consider. I guess it could go either way. I could call him and let him know about the engagement when the time comes and maybe it will click in his head that this is for real and that I've completely, 100% moved on and so he needs to as well, or he could take it as an open invitation.

This is exactly why I am asking this question on TK. I want people's opinions and point of views that are helpful. I didn't think of it as being an invitation to continue talking. I guess if the situation was reversed and I was the one calling him and wanting him back, and he called and told me that he was engaged, I would stop calling him and let him live his life how he wants. He probably does not think that way.

Swazzle · November 2013

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

This is the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.

You don't want to move on from your ex. Which makes it even more ridiculous that you're here planning a wedding to another dudge when you're not even engaged yet.

Thats not an excuse when its something that has actually happened. And I'm not planning a wedding since I am not engaged. Not once have I ever posted in a wedding planning board or have ever talked about wedding planning. I post in Chit Chat and NEY BECAUSE I'm not planning a wedding. Where you got this idea that I am planning a wedding is beyond me. Because I'm on TK? How many people are on here who arent engaged? Theres a board specifically for that! Not uncommon. Also, I love that you have commented on how this is "high school drama" and that I must like the drama, yet you continue to post snarky comments on a post that was not meant to be snarky. I was merely asking for advice. I don't give a shit that you make snarky comments on my posts. Thats perfectly fine. But don't sit there and say that I love drama when you are commenting on MY posts causing drama. I asked for advice and opinions, which you gave, so why continue making unnecessary comments? You seem like you're bored and want to cause drama.

Maybe from THIS?

I agree with PPs, it doesn't make sense to continue to have any relationship with your ex-H when he obviously still has feelings for you unless you're not 100% over him and if that's the case you probably shouldn't be worrying about getting engaged to another man right now.

You said you started dating your now-BF in January of this year. You also said that you were dating him before your divorce was finalized and that was 1.5 years ago. Something just doesn't add up.

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

This is the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.

You don't want to move on from your ex. Which makes it even more ridiculous that you're here planning a wedding to another dudge when you're not even engaged yet.

Thats not an excuse when its something that has actually happened. And I'm not planning a wedding since I am not engaged. Not once have I ever posted in a wedding planning board or have ever talked about wedding planning. I post in Chit Chat and NEY BECAUSE I'm not planning a wedding. Where you got this idea that I am planning a wedding is beyond me. Because I'm on TK? How many people are on here who arent engaged? Theres a board specifically for that! Not uncommon. Also, I love that you have commented on how this is "high school drama" and that I must like the drama, yet you continue to post snarky comments on a post that was not meant to be snarky. I was merely asking for advice. I don't give a shit that you make snarky comments on my posts. Thats perfectly fine. But don't sit there and say that I love drama when you are commenting on MY posts causing drama. I asked for advice and opinions, which you gave, so why continue making unnecessary comments? You seem like you're bored and want to cause drama.

This, maybe?

shyannelise said:
Just wandering if anyone has been to a wedding there or looked at it. I came across it today while looking for venues online and it looks great, I'm just wondering how big the pavilion is. We're wanting to do the ceremony outdoors and use the pavilion as eating/dancing space. Also, the deck looks pretty large, so I'm wondering if that would be big enough for people to dance on. We're having about 100-150 guests.

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

Also, stop worrying about your ex. Don't call him, and don't take his calls. Ignore them. Is it annoying? Sure. But you really shouldn't be worried about your ex if you're so excited and happy to be marrying your BF. Who cares who he finds out from? If he's no longer involved in your life, DON'T ALLOW him to be involved in your life.

And if his calls/texts become harassing/incessant, file a police report. Nothing stops unwanted contact like a restraining order.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

Swazzle said:

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

This is the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.

You don't want to move on from your ex. Which makes it even more ridiculous that you're here planning a wedding to another dudge when you're not even engaged yet.

Thats not an excuse when its something that has actually happened. And I'm not planning a wedding since I am not engaged. Not once have I ever posted in a wedding planning board or have ever talked about wedding planning. I post in Chit Chat and NEY BECAUSE I'm not planning a wedding. Where you got this idea that I am planning a wedding is beyond me. Because I'm on TK? How many people are on here who arent engaged? Theres a board specifically for that! Not uncommon. Also, I love that you have commented on how this is "high school drama" and that I must like the drama, yet you continue to post snarky comments on a post that was not meant to be snarky. I was merely asking for advice. I don't give a shit that you make snarky comments on my posts. Thats perfectly fine. But don't sit there and say that I love drama when you are commenting on MY posts causing drama. I asked for advice and opinions, which you gave, so why continue making unnecessary comments? You seem like you're bored and want to cause drama.

Maybe from THIS?

I agree with PPs, it doesn't make sense to continue to have any relationship with your ex-H when he obviously still has feelings for you unless you're not 100% over him and if that's the case you probably shouldn't be worrying about getting engaged to another man right now.

You said you started dating your now-BF in January of this year. You also said that you were dating him before your divorce was finalized and that was 1.5 years ago. Something just doesn't add up.

You're right. My dates were confused. Separated 1.5 years, divorced almost 1. I had to stop and think about it for a minute. Not really dates I care to remember

ShallowSeas · November 2013

BriSox81 said:

Also, stop worrying about your ex. Don't call him, and don't take his calls. Ignore them. Is it annoying? Sure. But you really shouldn't be worried about your ex if you're so excited and happy to be marrying your BF. Who cares who he finds out from? If he's no longer involved in your life, DON'T ALLOW him to be involved in your life.

And if his calls/texts become harassing/incessant, file a police report. Nothing stops unwanted contact like a restraining order.

You're right. I was wanting to keep things civil and end things on a positive note, but in the long run, I guess it doesnt matter HOW it ends, just that it does, completely.

WonderRed · November 2013

Obviously you do care what he thinks. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice on how to tell him you're getting married again.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

WonderRed said:

Obviously you do care what he thinks. Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice on how to tell him you're getting married again.

No, like I said before; I care how he reacts because how he reacts effects me.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Again, I skimmed these because basically you're making excuses, but look:

1. You're not over him, just admit that.

2. If you WERE over him, you wouldn't be worried about what he'll think when he finds out you're engaged.

3. If someone is contacting you when you don't want them to, and you've told them to stop, that's called HARASSMENT, and you call the POLICE. Now, admittedly, that requires you to tell him to stop, but it's clear you're a drama-llama who thrives on the attention of having two men "want" you, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Again, I skimmed these because basically you're making excuses, but look:

1. You're not over him, just admit that.
2. If you WERE over him, you wouldn't be worried about what he'll think when he finds out you're engaged.
3. If someone is contacting you when you don't want them to, and you've told them to stop, that's called HARASSMENT, and you call the POLICE. Now, admittedly, that requires you to tell him to stop, but it's clear you're a drama-llama who thrives on the attention of having two men "want" you, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.

1. I am over him. Completely. If you knew my situation you would know that there is no way in hell I could have feelings for him anymore. Its ignorant to think that you know exactly how someone feels about someone else because you read a couple posts, but go ahead and believe what you want.
2. For the umpteenth time, I don't give a shit what he'll think, I care about how he reacts because that effects me. I don't care if he cries into his pillow every night about me being engaged.
3. I understand that is harassment. I told him not to contact me anymore and he hasn't. I'm hoping that hearing the news that I'm engaged won't change that, but if it does then I will figure something out when that time comes. I really can't even remember how many posts there are where I've said I told him to stop calling me and he has. If I enjoyed drama, I wouldn't have told him to stop or I would be calling him, which isn't happening. But for someone who likes to call others "drama-llamas", you are certainly being a hypocrite. Continually commenting snarky remarks on my post is causing drama. There is no need for you to continue posting on this thread. You said what you had to say. You got your opinion out. Why are you still here? To cause drama. To get a rise out of me. Exactly what you're accusing me of doing. I dont give a shit that you're making dumbass, snarky comments on my thread; that's fine. I'm glad you are finding some sort of entertainment from all of this. What I can't stand is your ignorance and hypocrisy.

smalfrie19 · November 2013

Its only ignorance because the person privy to the necessary information hasn't provided it.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Again, I skimmed these because basically you're making excuses, but look:

1. You're not over him, just admit that.
2. If you WERE over him, you wouldn't be worried about what he'll think when he finds out you're engaged.
3. If someone is contacting you when you don't want them to, and you've told them to stop, that's called HARASSMENT, and you call the POLICE. Now, admittedly, that requires you to tell him to stop, but it's clear you're a drama-llama who thrives on the attention of having two men "want" you, so I'm guessing that didn't happen.

1. I am over him. Completely. If you knew my situation you would know that there is no way in hell I could have feelings for him anymore. Its ignorant to think that you know exactly how someone feels about someone else because you read a couple posts, but go ahead and believe what you want.
2. For the umpteenth time, I don't give a shit what he'll think, I care about how he reacts because that effects me. I don't care if he cries into his pillow every night about me being engaged.
3. I understand that is harassment. I told him not to contact me anymore and he hasn't. I'm hoping that hearing the news that I'm engaged won't change that, but if it does then I will figure something out when that time comes. I really can't even remember how many posts there are where I've said I told him to stop calling me and he has. If I enjoyed drama, I wouldn't have told him to stop or I would be calling him, which isn't happening. But for someone who likes to call others "drama-llamas", you are certainly being a hypocrite. Continually commenting snarky remarks on my post is causing drama. There is no need for you to continue posting on this thread. You said what you had to say. You got your opinion out. Why are you still here? To cause drama. To get a rise out of me. Exactly what you're accusing me of doing. I dont give a shit that you're making dumbass, snarky comments on my thread; that's fine. I'm glad you are finding some sort of entertainment from all of this. What I can't stand is your ignorance and hypocrisy.

1. We only know the information you give us, which has thus far been inconsistent and contradictory. If you want informed opinions, give clear, accurate, and precise information.

2. Then take necessary precautions for such an event -- such as blocking his phone number and being willing to accuse him of harassment.

3. As to the rest of your thread: GTFO yourself.

climbingsingle · November 2013

Why do you care how he reacts? How is that going to effect you so much? Is he going to call? Don't answer. This is easy but you want to make it difficult. You're clearly not over him. It's pretty obvious and you seem to enjoy the attention he's giving you.

lc07 · November 2013

OP, are you concerned about physical violence from your ex-H? If not, do not tell him about your engagement and do not further your communication with him. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you for the most part. You're right that opening communication with him by contacting him to tell him something sends him the message that communication is now open again. Don't go down that path. If the worst you have to deal with is annoying phone calls and texts, just ignore them.

shaylagirl · November 2013

shyannelise said:

No, like I said before; I care how he reacts because how he reacts effects me.

Why? Why do you care how it will impact your life?

You're DIVORCED! You've told him to stop calling you/contacting you/blocked his number, so it shouldn't impact you in any way, shape or form (also, he sounds like he's harassing you if he's calling and you've told him to stop. Get the police involved and file a report about this harassment and potentially stalkerish behavior).

So he talks shit about you? Says crap about you? HOW does that impact your life? OH NO! People might think badly about you!! Do those people REALLY matter to you? If they're your friends or people you know, they should already know the truth.

You're making this out to be a bigger deal than it is.

I saw no need to tell ANY of my ex-ANYTHINGS I was engaged, much less getting married. I didn't see the need to tell my son's father (for reasons that don't relate to this particular situation), I didn't see the need to tell the man I dated for 12 years, or the man I'd dated for 3.5 years, or my ex-fiancee. Because they have NO bearing on my life.

I'm sure at least one of them shit-talked me. But I don't care. It has no bearing on my life or my happiness.

Stop talking to this man. Even if it's about his family. For goodness sake, what a lame excuse for you two to maintain contact. If his family is so important to you, then maybe you should only communicate directly with THEM, not ABOUT them THROUGH him.

shaylagirl · November 2013

shyannelise said:

No, like I said before; I care how he reacts because how he reacts effects me.

Why? Why do you care how it will impact your life?

You're DIVORCED! You've told him to stop calling you/contacting you/blocked his number, so it shouldn't impact you in any way, shape or form (also, he sounds like he's harassing you if he's calling and you've told him to stop. Get the police involved and file a report about this harassment and potentially stalkerish behavior).

So he talks shit about you? Says crap about you? HOW does that impact your life? OH NO! People might think badly about you!! Do those people REALLY matter to you? If they're your friends or people you know, they should already know the truth.

You're making this out to be a bigger deal than it is.

I saw no need to tell ANY of my ex-ANYTHINGS I was engaged, much less getting married. I didn't see the need to tell my son's father (for reasons that don't relate to this particular situation), I didn't see the need to tell the man I dated for 12 years, or the man I'd dated for 3.5 years, or my ex-fiancee. Because they have NO bearing on my life.

I'm sure at least one of them shit-talked me. But I don't care. It has no bearing on my life or my happiness.

Stop talking to this man. Even if it's about his family. For goodness sake, what a lame excuse for you two to maintain contact. If his family is so important to you, then maybe you should only communicate directly with THEM, not ABOUT them THROUGH him.

buddysmom80 · November 2013

I'm not divorced, and my abusive ex-bf is blocked from my phone via my phone carrier. It took one phone call to them to make that happen.

I can't wrap my head around why you would give a shit what he would think? You guys don't have any kids together, so who cares? He's an ex for a reason, ignore him and his obvious crazy behavior and move on!

If you were truly over your ex-H you'd have the whole "IDGAF" attitude that probably many divorced spouses have.

jenniferurs · November 2013

I'm surprised by all of those who think that once a relationship is over, one has to automatically stop caring about the other's feelings. You can decide you don't want to be with someone romantically and still care about their well being. It doesn't have to mean that you're not over them.

I dated someone while my fiancé and I were on a year long break. A year later, my fiancé and I were engaged. Now I didn't reach out to this person, out of respect for my fiancé, but there was a part of me that definitely felt for him and how I knew he'd react. That doesn't mean that I'm not over him. In fact, I literally cringe when I think about the fact that I ever dated him. But just because he wasn't for me doesn't mean that he's a bad person deserving of hurt and, as a human being, causing someone else to hurt, however indirectly, would definitely affect me, even if only for a moment. Heck, I get emotional when I see perfect strangers cry, let alone someone I actually know with me being the reason why.

So no, OP, I don't think you're a drama queen or still in love with your ex. I think you have a heart and care about how he'll react to news that's going to hurt him. Of course, you should care more about your current relationship than your former, so if your bf were uncomfortable with any type of contact, that should take precedence. But if he's not uncomfortable with it and you both agree that being sensitive to your ex's feelings will soften the blow and cause him to react in the most favorable way possible, I don't see any issue with you doing it. I don't think it says anything negative about you; I actually think quite the opposite.

ShallowSeas · November 2013

jenniferurs said:

I'm surprised by all of those who think that once a relationship is over, one has to automatically stop caring about the other's feelings. You can decide you don't want to be with someone romantically and still care about their well being. It doesn't have to mean that you're not over them. I dated someone while my fiancé and I were on a year long break. A year later, my fiancé and I were engaged. Now I didn't reach out to this person, out of respect for my fiancé, but there was a part of me that definitely felt for him and how I knew he'd react. That doesn't mean that I'm not over him. In fact, I literally cringe when I think about the fact that I ever dated him. But just because he wasn't for me doesn't mean that he's a bad person deserving of hurt and, as a human being, causing someone else to hurt, however indirectly, would definitely affect me, even if only for a moment. Heck, I get emotional when I see perfect strangers cry, let alone someone I actually know with me being the reason why. So no, OP, I don't think you're a drama queen or still in love with your ex. I think you have a heart and care about how he'll react to news that's going to hurt him. Of course, you should care more about your current relationship than your former, so if your bf were uncomfortable with any type of contact, that should take precedence. But if he's not uncomfortable with it and you both agree that being sensitive to your ex's feelings will soften the blow and cause him to react in the most favorable way possible, I don't see any issue with you doing it. I don't think it says anything negative about you; I actually think quite the opposite.

Thanks. I really appreciate that.

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