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Etiquette

Bride trying to exclude underage bridesmaids from the bachelorette party - HELP

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Re: Bride trying to exclude underage bridesmaids from the bachelorette party - HELP

  • It's perfectly reasonable to back out of planning.  I don't really have an opinion on whether the underage bridesmaids have a right to be included, but the time for the bride to voice her opinion on that was when you were asking her about the party, not now.  Tell her you've planned these activities, and if she would prefer something else, you are fine to cancel the activities and attend (but not plan) an alternate event.  

    You don't have an obligation to plan the party as MOH, and you certainly gave it a really good try in any case.  The bride is not being gracious here.

  • Does she plan on getting shit faced at dinner? I don't understand why the girls couldn't be there for that. I know I wouldn't be into rock climbing, but since she didn't give you anything to go by, you've done your best. I wouldn't be spending a cent on someone so ungrateful. Bach parties are not the end all be all like so many people act like they are. I didn't have one (we're spread out over the country) and I am still very much married and happy. 

    lc07
  • scribe95 said:
    I think the way the bride handled it is wrong. But if she had made clear from the beginning that she wanted an adult only bachelorette party I don't necessarily think that would be wrong of her.


    I agree with this. The bride was asked in the beginning and she gave no input. Now that everything is planned it is rude of her to want to change everything. She should have stated right away what she wanted but now it is too late.

    It isn't an argument about whether or not your daughters are age appropriate for a bach party - it is the fact that at first they were included and now the bride doesn't want them there. You need to talk to her and tell her that this is what you have planned; daughters included and if she doesn't like it then tell her you are sorry, you will cancel the plans but she will have to figure out something else to do. Good luck

    image 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I also want to point out that bachelorette parties don't always revolve around liquor, penises and strippers.  Basically a bachelorette party is an excuse to get together with your friends to celebrate the fact that you are getting married soon.  You can do a day spa, a fancy dinner, a trip to an amusement park, etc without the inclusion of naked men and penis shaped everything.

    I would like to second this.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    In your latest post it sounds like there were some money concerns. How would the other bridesmaids be paying extra for your children? I assume you would have been paying for all three shares plus your part of the birdes's costs.
    This is a good question.  Also, since your one child is 18, I would assume that she could pay her portion or at least some of her portion with your help.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • The bridesmaid who didn't participate in the planning didn't like the idea of rock climbing.  Rock climbing was chosen because the bride is a physical fitness instructor and I thought she would enjoy something outside the box and active like that, and also because the underage bridesmaids could participate.   This would have cost $20-$25 per person.   I spoke to that bridesmaid individually in October on the phone because she never answered any of my group messages (the bridal party and I agreed that would be the easiest way to communicate as a group).  When I told her my idea, she said she thought that was perfect for the bride.   Never had she given me any indication that she was concerned about money or not happy with the idea.  

    I would be paying for myself and my girls plus a portion of the bride's cost.  (3 times what anyone else is paying, so I was very considerate of budget!)   The way the bride and this other bridesmaid view this is that the activity is unnecessary and I am 'forcing' the other bridesmaids to pay that extra $20-$25 just so we can do something to include my children.    I was told by 2 of the other bridesmaids that they thought this plan was perfect.  

  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2013
    I also want to point out that bachelorette parties don't always revolve around liquor, penises and strippers.  Basically a bachelorette party is an excuse to get together with your friends to celebrate the fact that you are getting married soon.  You can do a day spa, a fancy dinner, a trip to an amusement park, etc without the inclusion of naked men and penis shaped everything.

    I would like to second this.
    Right? I've been to a number of bachelorette parties where moms and aunts are there. They don't go out at night and generally stay out of the debauchery, but if there's a day time girly activity, they come. They'll be at mine anyway. And when my cousin's have had their parties, we've always made sure to include our underage cousins for most of the day and leave them behind when the R-rated events happen.

    Not everyone's bachelorette parties are R-rated, especially for the entire duration. To imply that children don't belong at bachelorette parties as a flat out rule is silly. 

    Also, for what it's worth, every one I've been to, every guest pays their way, not just the bridal party. We all split lodging and food costs, and pay for the bride. It's never been a cost that falls solely on the bridal party like a shower usually does. 

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    Maggie0829PrettyGirlLost
  • This bride is sounding worse and worse.  Also, I have a funny feeling that the BM that really isn't into the rock climbing is probably whispering in the brides ear about how it is dumb and that kids shouldn't be allowed and thus causing the bride to also have these feelings.

    Maggie, I'm thinking the same thing.   Which is why I don't want to react in a drastic way like stepping down as MOH or declining to go to the bachelorette as my husband suggests (if I'm even still invited after all this).   I hope after the bride has a chance to talk to the other bridesmaids, she might have a more clear head.   Sadly, she works with this other bridesmaid every day.   Hard to combat whatever this woman is telling her.  

    Any thoughts on what I do next to try to mend things with the bride?   Do I just not initiate contact with her and let things play out or do I at some point try to reach out?

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @KCrispo - I think you should just let things play out.  Keep being friendly with the bride when you see her, but at this point the bride seems to be worked up and set in what she wants and trying to talk with her now will probably just go poorly.

    KCrispoPrettyGirlLost
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    After this latest update, I think you're in the right to step down from this shitshow.  Bride is ungrateful and bratty.  If she wanted something specific, she should have spoken up at the beginning. Now she's just being rude.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Another vote for the OP and against the Bride.

    My then-14 year old daughter was my MOH last summer.  One of my DH's daughters signed the license as she's over 18 and mine obviously isn't.

    My daughter was included in every pre-wedding and wedding related event.  Not just because she is my DD, but because she was my MOH.  I would have declined any parties to which she wasn't invited [assuming that the other, adult, members of the wedding party were].

    OP, I think your SIL has lost sight of what's important here.  And I also think it's pretty crappy to effectively say your daughters are good enough to be her pretty props on her wedding day, but yet not worthy of inclusion in a party designed to celebrate the bride and the women standing up for her.
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    KCrispo
  • OP, after reading through all the comments and updates I really feel for you.  What the bride did and is doing is pretty crappy.  If she wanted her party a certain way she should have told you.  I think you did the right thing by stepping down from the planning role, and I think you best be friendly with her and not stir the pot for a little while.  The bride needs to come back down to Earth and realize that she is being rude, but you trying to make her will only cause more hurt feelings.  good luck with everything and I hope the bride gets better not worse!
    KCrispo
  • I don't see anything wrong with wanting to exclude underage bridesmaids from this one particular event, but if that's how she felt, she should have made that clear before the fact, not once the planning had been completed.
    pittiemama14photokittyoffthemarket915
  • I'd lay low at this point.   She's your DH's sister and he has your back.     I think saying that someone else can do the planning is the best thing for right now.

    Is she always like this or is this wedding-induced snatchbaggery? 
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    ceceibson said:
    OP, I think your SIL has lost sight of what's important here.  And I also think it's pretty crappy to effectively say your daughters are good enough to be her pretty props on her wedding day, but yet not worthy of inclusion in a party designed to celebrate the bride and the women standing up for her.
    This this this!

    OP, the more you update us, the worse this bride sounds.  Lay low for now.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • cordsnipercordsniper member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited November 2013
    I don't think a bachelorette party is exclusive to the bridal party.  I also don't think bachelorette parties are appropriate for the ages of your daughters.  They should be included in other pre-wedding activities and the bride should make an effort with them.  Lunch, mani/pedi's, etc would seem much more appropriate.  I just don't see any point in a 10 and 18 year old at that sort of event.  If she felt that way, she should have let you know prior to planning instead of saying she was fine with whatever. 
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think that the bride and the bridesmaid are out of line for not being able to handle this like adults. If they cannot afford to go rock climbing even after agreeing to it (people's budgets can change quickly) then rock climbing could be canceled and everyone could still go to dinner before the girls' night out.

    I was grateful to have anything planned for me at all. So I have a big eye-roll for someone so ungracious. 
  • I understand where you are coming from but at the same time, I am choosing to exclude my young bridesmaid from my bachelorette.  Without knowing more about it, or having been there etc, it's hard to really take sides but maybe hearing my reasoning from my situation might help somehow.  My neice and I have always been close ever since she was born.  She's almost the only reason I put up with my sister (her mom) who I have never really gotten along with.  She is 11 now and will be 12 by the time of the wedding and all other activities such as the bachelorette.

    I thought it through and honestly, she wil be involved with all other parts of the wedding but I just don't want her to be there for this night.  It will be a night for me and my long time girlfriends to let loose and probably a decent amount of drinking will take place as well as adult conversation.  I don't want to have to censor myself or anyone else to have to do so.  I don't want anyone to feel like they have to watch what they say or do and I don't want our activities to be restricted because of her either.

    She will be there for all the other events such as the bridal shower and the bridesmaid luncheon.  I don't feel that keeping her from this one night is hurting her in any way.  Honestly, what is she going to do when everywhere we are going she likely wouldn't be let in?

    I get your idea of having two different parts of the night, but I personally didn't want to break up my night like that.  I wanted to have a fun "adult" night straight through.  I didn't really want to take time out from my night when I already only have a few hours for this once in a lifetime night.

    Something I would have been open to and that you might run by your bride is splitting it into two nights.  Do your original plan on one night and then follow it by another activity later on such as dinner or a movie or a slumber party for the whole bridal party with wedding themed movies!!  That way your daughters get to be part of a mini bachelorette party without incroaching on the real deal and you both get your way as much as possible.

     

    Hopefully you can come up with something that will make everyone happy.

    Good Luck!!

    AlexisA01PrettyGirlLost
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Before I say anything else, I'll say this: keep it in perspective.  This is one party.  There's the engagement party, the Bridal shower, the bridesmaids luncheon, the rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding.  There are PLENTY of wedding-related festivities that your daughters are going to be included in.  Just because the bride doesn't want them at the bachelorette party, doesn't mean that they should feel left out.
    As for wether or not they should be at the bachelorette party, it's really up to the bride.  I can see where you're coming from, they are bridesmaids and they are your kids, but I can also see where the bride is coming from.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe the bride's idea of a bachelorette party doesn't involve rock climbing with a 10 year old.  Not saying it's a bad idea, there are plenty of people who wouldn't have a problem with that and would find it really fun.  It's just different from person to person, and maybe that's just not that particular bride's cup of tea.  She probably has a wild night in mind for her bachelorette party, and that's it.  She might not necessarily want to go rock climbing or go out to eat first.  Don't take it personally,the problem she has with the current plans isn't your kids, it's just that it sounds like she wants to skip the kid-friendly stuff and go straight for the wild night.  
    I know a lot of the people commenting are picking on the bride and calling her rude for trying to change your plans, but you are planning a party FOR HER, so I don't see why everyone seems to think it's so unreasonable for her to suggest changes to the plans for HER party.  Frankly the only thing I think she did wrong was wait so long to tell you she didn't want your kids at the bachelorette party, but maybe she's just been assuming all this time they weren't coming.  
    (and to everyone calling the bride names and talking about what a bad person she must be- shut up. Not only have you never met this person, she's not even on this thread to explain herself or stand up for herself.  You know exactly one detail about her entire life and that is not enough to judge someone by.)    
    As for wether or not you still plan this thing, you said you have the plans finalized, so wether or not you continue planning would depend on HOW finalized. If everything is all set to go and there isn't much left to do, it would seem a bit like a tantrum if you then just dropped it and told her to find someone else to plan the party you already had planned.  If you still have a decent amount of work left to do, then you have every right to let the bride now you're not comfortable planning the party without inviting your kids, although I hope you can also understand where she is coming from, even if that doesn't change your decision to quit planning the party.  

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    jenniferursAlexisA01themuffinman16
  • @ReginaLambert13 and @ HaileyDancingbear - I totally get that she wouldn't want the kids there.   I really do understand the perspective - if you read my previous posts you'll see I even planned for that possiblity by having a convo with my girls so they wouldn't be hurt.  

    The problem I have is the bride refusing to communicate with me and leaving all the planning up to me, then lashing out at me the way she did when I pressed her for her real opinion.  She couldn't even come to me originally to say she had a problem with my plans, she sent her one  bridesmaid friend who is her coworker.   I got awesome feedback from the other 3 bridesmaids about what I was planning and how she would love it, and two of them are her childhood best friends that she has been close to for years.  I specificaly reached out to them since they know her better than I do.  

    All I ask for from anyone is common courtesy and respect, and she is showing me neither.   I reached out to her Friday afternoon and left her a voicemail.   I said that I hated the way things were left on Monday and that I didn't want things to be awkward or weird between us and I hoped we could get together soon to put things right.   She has yet to return my call.  

    PrettyGirlLost
  • So, if anyone is still following this, I could use some more advice.

    I backed out of planning the bachelorette.  I let two of the other bridesmaids take over, and gave them all the information I had gathered, including the reservations for Presidential Suite at the hotel that I got as a personal favor from a coworker.

    The bride did attempt to get together with me to discuss the situation, but I had no car and no babysitter, so I couldn't do it at that time.   She said she'd find another time for us to get together.

    So... my husband has seen the bride (his sister) twice since all this went down and hasn't spoken to her.   He's angry that she 'uninvited' our children and that she was so rude to me about it.

    The bride keeps telling everyone how devastated she is by what I did to her, yet she isn't sharing with me what I had done that was so horrible.

    She also avoided the family Christmas get-together because of all of this.   Now she is blaming me for my husband's behavior, and the fact that she couldn't have Christmas with her family and has kicked me out of the wedding party all together.  According to her, I've turned her brother against her and I haven't considered her feelings in this situation at all.   She says it's not about my girls at all, but she hasn't told me what it IS about.

    She told me what I should have done was apologize to her on day one and say that we could have done whatever she wanted at her bachelorette.   To me, that sounds like it's still about my girls, but I don't know.  And I did tell her we would do what she wanted to do, but I didn't apologize.   I feel like she wants me to kiss her ass and beg forgiveness and I'm just not going there.

    I'm so bewildered and hurt and beside myself over this.   I'm not even sure if I can go to the wedding at this point.  I know that would probably just make things worse, but I'm not sure I can pretend to be happy all day after all that has happened.  

    Any advice on how to deal?
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    KCrispo said:
    So, if anyone is still following this, I could use some more advice.

    I backed out of planning the bachelorette.  I let two of the other bridesmaids take over, and gave them all the information I had gathered, including the reservations for Presidential Suite at the hotel that I got as a personal favor from a coworker.

    The bride did attempt to get together with me to discuss the situation, but I had no car and no babysitter, so I couldn't do it at that time.   She said she'd find another time for us to get together.

    So... my husband has seen the bride (his sister) twice since all this went down and hasn't spoken to her.   He's angry that she 'uninvited' our children and that she was so rude to me about it.

    The bride keeps telling everyone how devastated she is by what I did to her, yet she isn't sharing with me what I had done that was so horrible.

    She also avoided the family Christmas get-together because of all of this.   Now she is blaming me for my husband's behavior, and the fact that she couldn't have Christmas with her family and has kicked me out of the wedding party all together.  According to her, I've turned her brother against her and I haven't considered her feelings in this situation at all.   She says it's not about my girls at all, but she hasn't told me what it IS about.

    She told me what I should have done was apologize to her on day one and say that we could have done whatever she wanted at her bachelorette.   To me, that sounds like it's still about my girls, but I don't know.  And I did tell her we would do what she wanted to do, but I didn't apologize.   I feel like she wants me to kiss her ass and beg forgiveness and I'm just not going there.

    I'm so bewildered and hurt and beside myself over this.   I'm not even sure if I can go to the wedding at this point.  I know that would probably just make things worse, but I'm not sure I can pretend to be happy all day after all that has happened.  

    Any advice on how to deal?
    Yikes.  It sounds like you dodged a huge bullet by backing out of planning the party (and getting out of the WP.  It sounds like she wants brideslaves).

    She's acting completely immature and bridezilla-ish.  She doesn't get to say what you do for her bachelorette party; she gets to say "thank you" for throwing one for her at all.  You had nothing to apologize for.  And now she's throwing a fit over it, including skipping the holidays?  CRAY.

    I would not try to contact her at all.  If Fi wants to patch up the relationship, it's his sister, so I would let him handle it unless she asks to talk to me.  Go to the wedding and be gracious.  Kill her with kindness.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    PrettyGirlLost
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sounds like you have a bridezilla for a sister in law. Sorry :(

    I'm 100% with you on this. She asked you to plan her bachelorette party and didn't say anything like, "I'd prefer an adults-only party with drinking." She let you start planning, and then she changed her mind. Your reaction made sense: first, you tried to compromise, and then you said that you'd prefer that someone else handle the planning.

    Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. I'm really sorry.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When did your SIL tell you that you needed to apologize, etc?  Did you hear this 2nd hand from someone else?  It seems like you haven't actually talked with your SIL yet.  

    If she ever speaks to you about how you have ruined her relationship with her brother, I think you are well within your rights to tell her how you feel.  You need to tell her that you planned a great b-party that the other BMs agreed upon.  Tell her it wasn't your fault that she didn't appreciate all the effort you went into to plan her b-party and how she treated your daughters by disappointing them by disinviting them.  Tell her that your H has seen all of this from the outside and can't believe that his sister would act this way towards his family.  Then tell her she is crazy to think that you need to apologize to her for anything as you have done nothing but try to plan a great party for her.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks ladies.   I'd gladly apologize if we would actually have a real conversation and she would explain what I did that hurt her.   She has only communicated with me via text so far (@oliveoilsmom that's how she told me all I needed to do was apologize - via text) and all those texts are blaming me for hurting her and not considering her feelings in all of this.   Emotions are really high for her regarding my husband's behavior toward her because first - it's a wedding and emotions are always high and second - they lost a sibling 15 years ago and she's feeling that loss extra hard right now plus feeling she's lost another brother to the situation.  She threw that one in my face too - i've stolen her brother away from her after she already lost one.   How she feels she can blame that on me is beyond me.     And before anyone suggests I should be more mindful of those feelings, I lost my own sister 18 years ago, so I totally know how she feels.   Especially since I was hoping being her MOH might lead to a closer relationship with my SIL.    I'm actually kind of pissed she was insensitive enough to throw that in my face at all.  

    I think you're right that I dodged a bullet - I just wish I could walk away from the whole thing and skip the wedding entirely.   Now I just worry about my girls still being in the WP without me to protect them from the craziness!
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    There's someone in my partner's family who isn't very well liked and a lot of people feel like she's taking away their family member. It can be hard to keep in mind that this family member made a CHOICE to be with her. Not saying that you shouldn't be well liked, but that you aren't taking her brother away from her. Her brother is able to form his own opinions!

    In that vein, I would not mention your husband's opinions on anything. It sounds like he's backing you up (good!), but if she brings him up (as stolen property), remind her that the problem here is between you and her and it's about the bachelorette party. I'd try my hardest to 1) keep the situation about the bachelorette party, 2) make it clear that you're trying to find a resolution for it, and 3) that you're sorry ... that such a small snafu has become such a big problem between the two of you. If you focus on the positives in your relationship with your future sister-in-law, hopefully she'll do the same.

    I'd leave ALL other bridesmaids out for now (e.g. do not ask for them to back you up), and emphasize that you backed out of planning because you did not feel like you could plan the kind of party she wanted (reframe the language--don't frame it like you backed out because you couldn't plan the kind of party YOU wanted, or like you were 100% in the right and she's being spoiled--even if it's true).
    Anniversary
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    MrsDeRuyter87PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2013
    Ugh... I wasn't here when you first posted this thread but after reading through it I have to say that I'm disgusted with this bride. She should have told you what she wanted from the get go instead of waiting for everything to be planned and more importantly she shouldn't have been such a bitch when she finally told you her real feelings about it. Honestly if I were you and if it wouldn't disappoint your girls (which I'm sure it would) I'd be tempted to let them be part of the wedding. I'd be worried she'd be awful to them. ETA: I'm not suggesting that she should pull her daughters out of the wedding. I'm just saying that if I were her it would be very tempting.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with PPs who stated that if your FSIL wanted an adults-only bachelorette party, she should not have asked any minors to be bridesmaids.

    She also should have made her wishes clear when she first asked you to plan this, and you could have told her that excluding your daughters was not a possibility.

    I think @phira is correct that you should limit your discussion with the bride to the bachelorette party and not involve anyone else-if you stay in.
    PrettyGirlLost
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