Wedding Etiquette Forum

NWR 3rd Baby Shower?

Mostly lurker here.... My cousin is having a baby in January, I have just received a baby shower invitation. This will be the 3rd baby shower for this cousin. I attended as well as brought a gift to the first two. The first was tragically stillborn so I had no issue with the second shower and bringing a second gift. However a 3rd seems excessive. Her son is now about 4 years old and she is having a girl this time around. I have little baby experience, is this the norm? Does the fact that she is having a girl this time warrant another shower is some way? Thank ladies.
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Re: NWR 3rd Baby Shower?

  • I think it's pretty normal to have a shower for each child. Seeing that her first child is now 4 years old, I would assume she no longer has "baby" items (bassinet, swing, bath, car seat, etc.).
    Blue_Bird
  • Normally you only have one shower but I'm with you and wouldn't have sided eyed the second one due to the circumstances.  

    However, like bridal showers should not be thrown by the bride, baby showers should not be thrown by the mother to be so is it possible that a friend is throwing a surprise shower without your cousin's knowledge?  
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  • The cousin registered so she must know. It's being thrown by her sister who's baby shower I did not attend because she posted that she couldn't wait it get all her gifts at her baby shower? It was also the same week that she posted how she just bought a cart full of groceries at the store all on the governments money (food stamps). But that's a story for another time.
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  • LisaA2014 said:
    The cousin registered so she must know. It's being thrown by her sister who's baby shower I did not attend because she posted that she couldn't wait it get all her gifts at her baby shower? It was also the same week that she posted how she just bought a cart full of groceries at the store all on the governments money (food stamps). But that's a story for another time.
    People register without having a shower planned.  They have people asking them what they need/want and it is a convenient way for the mom to keep track of what she needs/wants.  Plus some stores give things like completion discounts so you can buy the rest of the stuff yourself.  However, if her sister is throwing it there is probably a good chance she knows about it.  It's ultimately up to you what you want to do.   
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  • I threw a friend a second baby shower once without knowing it could come across as bad ettiquette in some circles, so I felt horrible after I found that info out later!  I'm still on the fence about it, but I know for a fact that I don't want to be that hostess again. 

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  • I'm in the camp of having a full-blown shower for anything other than the first baby is inappropriate. If she didnt save the stuff from the first baby (who is only 4), that's just poor planning.

    It's fine to have a 'sprinkle' where you give small gifts, like clothes and a few toys, but not the kind where you buy diaper genies or bassinets or whatever.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    nebullamameggiemo
  • When I was a little girl I remember that my mom and all her friends would throw a shower for any woman in the group every time she was expecting regardless of how many kids she already had (and  we were in a group that that tended towards larger families as well). Of course in those days no one ever registered, and the gifts were never expensive things like car seats and strollers but rather diapers, infant clothing, teething rings, etc, and it seemed more like an excuse for a fun evening for all as they always met at their favorite restaurant for desert, to chat and socialize.  They did the same thing for each ones birthday. It was really a mom's night out with a little celebration of some sort.

    No big party expense put on anyone person, no particular gift expectations, all good friends. I thought doing it that way was very nice, even though it still meant a shower for your forth child. Because of that I never thought it was odd to have one for every baby expected, but I guess I can see with the elaborateness of many showers today how that might seem like a lot. I don't mind it though. If my friend had a birthday celebration every year I wouldn't be annoyed because she had one last year, and the birth of a baby is certainly as important and wonderful as the birthday of an adult. But I kind of think a registry for anything but the first is a little much.
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    Blue_BirdOpenHeart0117
  • I don't see a problem with a low-key second shower, especially since she's having a girl…even if you save everything, you probably need some new stuff, and I'd enjoy getting my friend or relative some things for a new baby. If my friend were having a baby girl I'd get her some kind of present whether she was having a shower or not. Can showers be super excessive? Yes, absolutely. It's hard to know just from the title "shower" what kind of event it will be.
    Blue_Bird
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If this were a smaller type shower, the Sprinkle, as they call them.  I think that fine, especially since she is having a baby of the different sex.  She could probably use the clothes.  But when you have a kid the first time around, I think it's best to get gender neutral colored car seat, high chair, stroller, etc.  So you really only need to buy more clothes if you have a 2nd kid.

    However, it sounds like she just wants to have another shower.  I can understand having the 2nd shower after her first baby was stillborn.  But having a 3rd shower that is big enough that cousins are getting an invite?  That's a no.
  • I've heard of a new thing for when it's the second or higher child. Instead of "shower" it's called a "sprinkle". Some of my co-workers did it for a friend of theirs that was having a baby girl. The first was a boy. She still had her crib, stroller, etc (so all the big things) so they got her a few basics that generally need to be replaced with each kid like new pacifiers, bottles and a few onsies. It wasn't a big event, just about 6 girlfriends who got together with a few small gifts. It was sweet.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Another shower in your cousin's situation wouldn't bother me at all and I'd attend happily. What does bother me is when someone has a second shower for a baby of the same sex, especially when they're close together. Case in point - I have a friend that had a boy. She had a shower. A year later she was pregnant again with another boy. And she had another shower. That's just greedy. Certainly you can reuse a lot of the stuff you received at your first shower. How much more do you need? I always give a gift once the kid is born, as I know most people do. So that just seems a little greedy to me. 
  • Teddy917 said:
    What does the fact that she receives food stamps have to do with her having a baby shower?
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  • edited November 2013
    I always side-eye showers for subsequent children as gift grabby (miscarriages and stillbirths obviously exempt for tragic reasons). I don't care if it's a different sex, a child with a different father, a large gap between the kids, etc. For these types of showers, I would send a card as congratulations but not politely decline the invitation.

    ETA: Also, food stamps have absolutely nothing to do with having a baby shower. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]NYCBruin
  • I don't care how many showers a person has. There's cake, and I'm not paying for it.

     If I'm close enough to be invited to a shower, I would likely be making them a quilt anyway, so having a shower vs not doesn't grab them any extra gifts from me.
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    Inkdancerjessicabessica
  • I love the idea of a sprinkle! Just a little refresher for diapers, clothes, and bottles. I never heard of that before, but I'm going to remeber that. A full blown shower is overkill. I would go, but would prob just bring a couple girly onesies.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I always side-eye showers for subsequent children as gift grabby (miscarriages and stillbirths obviously exempt for tragic reasons). I don't care if it's a different sex, a child with a different father, a large gap between the kids, etc. For these types of showers, I would send a card as congratulations but not politely decline the invitation.

    ETA: Also, food stamps have absolutely nothing to do with having a baby shower. 
    ^^this
    I'll send a gift,of my choosing not off a registry, when the baby is born if I choose. But I don't go to second or more showers.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    My good friend is expecting her second (her first just turned one) and her H's family is insisting on thowing a shower for her second because "every baby deserves to be celebrated". Neither she nor I agree with it, but she doesn't want it to be a hill to die on (his family is kinda...forceful and childish).  
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  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My cousin had a second baby shower for her second child. She has one girl and another on the way. I judged her hard.
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I would totally go to a second shower, but that is because I love babies and I love spoiling babies. (My nephew was born yesterday and I've already bought him three presents.) But I also wouldn't buy anything big for it, and would probably give a weird look if the mom were hosting it herself.
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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My good friend is expecting her second (her first just turned one) and her H's family is insisting on thowing a shower for her second because "every baby deserves to be celebrated". Neither she nor I agree with it, but she doesn't want it to be a hill to die on (his family is kinda...forceful and childish).  
    I would do what she is doing and just not invite any friends or my family. If families have a tradition of doing it and they don't invite folks outside the family I don't mind :) 
    If I was in that situation I wouldn't register though and probably wouldn't call it a shower when talking to people outside his family ;)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Inkdancer said:
    I would totally go to a second shower, but that is because I love babies and I love spoiling babies. (My nephew was born yesterday and I've already bought him three presents.) But I also wouldn't buy anything big for it, and would probably give a weird look if the mom were hosting it herself.
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  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
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    @southernbelle0915

    Thank you! I couldn't be happier, unless he were mine. I love him like crazy.
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  • Teddy917 said:
    What does the fact that she receives food stamps have to do with her having a baby shower?

    I find it extremely inappropriate to 'gloat' on a social media site about how you just bought groceries on the governments money. And then a week later post about how you can't wait to get all your presents at your baby shower. Hence me not attending that baby shower.
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    [Deleted User]manateehugger
  • If this were a smaller type shower, the Sprinkle, as they call them.  I think that fine, especially since she is having a baby of the different sex.  She could probably use the clothes.  But when you have a kid the first time around, I think it's best to get gender neutral colored car seat, high chair, stroller, etc.  So you really only need to buy more clothes if you have a 2nd kid.

    However, it sounds like she just wants to have another shower.  I can understand having the 2nd shower after her first baby was stillborn.  But having a 3rd shower that is big enough that cousins are getting an invite?  That's a no.
    Car seats expire so depending on the gap between siblings they cannot be reused at all or will expire before the child is ready to be out of a seat.  Also, if the siblings are close in age the older one might still be using the seat.  I'm not saying that's an excuse for a second shower but carseats should not be lumped in with other "big" items to be used for multiple children.  
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  • I probably would side eye that one if not for the tragedy of losing her first baby.

    No, it's not correct etiquette but if it helps keep her focus on the babies she is having rather than the one she lost, I would let it pass and attend.  The gift doesn't have to be big, just a thought

  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    mobkaz said:
    I'm in camp "no shower".  

    If you plan on having more than one child, then the burden is on you to plan for those children.  Part of that plan involves looking ahead and preparing for the things you will need.  If the gender is different, the only new thing necessary would be clothing. 

    I will typically purchase a gift for any close family or friend whether or not a shower is held.  But I think society in general has gone overboard in celebrations for what I consider to be typical life events.  
    Couldn't agree with you more!  Technically - showers are meant to welcome the mother to be to motherhood, not celebrate the baby because the baby isn't there yet.  These women that justify a second full blown shower because they got knocked up soon after their first baby, they are having a boy and can't put it in a pink stroller because their planning was piss poor, and the ever popular "well we can't really afford another baby so we were really depending on the shower to get what we need" drive me nuts.  These are probably the same Special Snowflakes that had a honeymoon registry and cash bar too.  :)

    However I will say that some people are offered second showers and it is very hard to turn it down if subsequent showers are a norm for them.  Personally if I had another baby I would decline, but have attended some very small, low key "sprinkles" and didn't side eye it that much.

    And the new trend is to have a "gender reveal" party IN ADDITION to the shower.  You know, because everyone really wants to get together, give you another gift, and find out what genitals your baby has!

    ETA - the "well I had a boy and am now having a girl (or vice versa)" argument to have a second shower is probably the one I hate the most.  It's absolutely unfair to say someone is more deserving than another person based on something they can't control.  Just don't have a second shower - period.
    [Deleted User]
  • I've only seen second showers twice.  Once was for a co-worker who had lost her first child when he was 2.  A few years after he died, she got pregnant again, and we threw her a shower.  The other time was for a friend's mom.  He was an only child, and the year we graduated - she got pregnant again!  So yeah, no baby stuff in the house for 18 years, she needed new baby stuff!
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